Do I get anxious or board while here?
Yes I get anxious, they are doing tests, but don't have answers to where the fever came from...they have one bug, but it is not a clear answer. And the fever seems to lead to some messed up day time dreams and loss of energy and need to sleep. It maintains some level of confuson as to how long I will be here.
Where does that faith that I keep talking about cone in?
Noone ever promised it would ever be easy, any time any where - not Jesus, not Buda not any of the great Eastern thinkers nor any of the great american indian religions, none of them.
I actually think that if some one thought or said it would be easy, I would run, not walk away. I will also quickly say that I know I am like everyone else, I want the easyway out. And in this stay I gave that up at the begining.
Board? never, my life has never been board and even with my 'life' stopped dead in its tracks, I am not board. I can think of others, I can pray, I can try to peek at what God is doing and be mystified in a wonferful way cause I am not afraid.
When, I left off, I was an offical member of St John's Episcopal chuch and of course The community of St Lukes. EVERYTHING EXPRESSED IS STRICKLY MY OWN RECOLECTION OF A JOURNEY, NOT DISSIMILAR TO THE JOURNEY i AM ON NOW OR THE JOURNEY FROM HOUsTON THE STAMFORD.
More people came to help out in the ministries at St. Lukes and I do not remember the sequence of how they happened. A food co-op was formed for the neigborhood and we would go down to Hunts point once a week and buy things by the case and resell it at a 10% mark-up. People came and this got big. A small fee to join and people would come in and help setup and help sell and help clean up! It was exciting because it was something that was for people that was not an 'emergency' situation. There was also a free food pantry for those who really did not have that was also used alot. I loved working with the food coop, even getting up at 3 in the morning to go down to Hunts' point, where all these gruff dock workers wood guide us into the thins we should and should not buy and it wasn't always the cheapest, but they had a sespect for 'the church' and us and we had trust that they would guide us right. Mostly we brought back fruits and vegtables and learned about new fruits, the mango for instance, I had not seen before. we bought things that the people requested and then we expandend to cheeses. It was an incredible experience from start to finish, which was about 6 at Vakencias backery with a turniver and coffee. We unloaded and I went of to work and if I was a little late I would bring some fruit for everyone and work through lunch. I would get back in time to finish off the selling and clean up. t was wonderful.
A clothing exchange was set=up where again donations came in and we and helpers from the neighborhood would sort the good from the washable from the garbage. And agains we would sell bags of clothing the sameday we had the co-op.
Why sell? Weren't these people in need? Yes they were very much in need, but you want to preserve their dignity and if they pay even 10 cents for something, ther is a feeling of it being yours, not someones hand-me down. And if you volunteer at the place you bought it, It brings a whole new meaning to the word "Ownership".
The people in the neighborhood realized we were part of the neighborhood and we got respect for that.
Some people joined the services, and that was nice, but that was really not why we were ther (do not tell the episcopal church), The services were for ourselves.
The once despised summer camp became a highly respected one. Some other chuch members came in, some understanding... some not. Volunteers from other parts of the world (Japan and germany, I remember) came. One of the neigborhood children adopted us and particularly Frank. Things were good and then we started working with the stse mental health section to see if we couldn't work with that group of disabled people. We rented a house and started with 3 men, who were delightful, ut truely troubled.
Somewhere the donation end and food co-op end becane so big, that we rented a truck and then bought a van. We started to get furniture and that when through the clothing exchane. I remember working with the workfare people, who many were having alhocol problems, but they would come give completely, working hard. Going away with some food and the proper number of hours completed for a week. That was good.
Chuches would come in on Thursday nights to provide meals to the residents ofthe shelter and the volunteers(us too, remember this was done without a paycheck).
In all of this I won't claim any more than the grunt work portion, it really was Frank's vision and energy and dynamics that brough it all together and he and the executive secratary were the only peroson recieving a small salary. Me I got to learn what a ripe mango was, from one of the neighbor at the food co-op.
Things were not easy and there were many struggles, but we got through them.
There were some blackdays, one where I was involved with someone I shouldn'y have been, where I got to see how rathful the fundamentalist mind could be, Frank and Marie and Walter stood behind me and fought for me in that one.
Then Penny contracted(?) leukemia and died after only a very little bit. Then we saw how little the church in general really cared about us, cause they would not provide other volunteers so thst we could morn or take a day off for reflection or rememberance.
By this time I had been at the Health Department for several years, the environmental company had changed my results from some of my testing in a report to the parent company. I complained and was told the change was insignificant. I left and several years later the parent company folded over that misinformation - not too significant.
I had managed to reconsile with my parents and had even made a surprise visit to them in Houston, I had also deeply bonded with Frank's Father who was in his late 70's. We would go out to different diners amd places in the area ust to go out and have a bit of fun. Stamford was not on our list of having fun, Sleepy Hollow was, Mistic was, Rhode Island was. Sometimes the ice cream place by west beach was, mameroneck many times was. Sorry Stamford, you don't make the grade even for old people.
Public health was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I was brought in because of the applicants, I was the only one with experience in environment testing. My ranking in the testing was 4. So i got to learn the ropes, then I started changing things and learning things and I would make a couple of mistakes, mostly because in the winter and early spring we were not busy and it left me with too much time on my hands.
They sent me to an entomolegy class and a pool chemistry class and a class on running the blood machines, then they gave me a computer.
Slowly we turned up the volume on the environmental testing, I starting getting samples from local environmental groups, talked with the Noth Stamford association and got poeple interested in testing their wells. I started expanding the kinds of testing we were able to do and let my curiosity go wild. My boss encouraged all of this and now there is no down time (here this city residence) for me, just busier times. And no there is no way the person that is left and my boss can add to what they do either, so what I used to do is no longer occuring.
So todays dark news is that they still don't know the infection source, that the vanco didn't immediately fix it is also ther concern. They also found a small spot in the lungs, which makes them wonder if I am aspirating "things" anyway. They still have some tests pending and another one to do...and may be more because my hemoglobin has dropped significantly.
some of these might explain the crazy loss of energy I have been experiencing suddenly with no warning. I am not worried about the vanco - I don't care what antibiotic it is, things take time, we aren't spraying chlorox on the bacteria. The lung thing is a bit worring because I do not want to go through he forced cough therapy to clear it...it would hurt to much. The hemoglobin thing has me the most worried, cause I have never experienced low hemoglobin and tho it explains a lot, it is something new and I really do not waant to deal with any more 'new' things of this naature.
So read in peace all. Hope the randomization from the hospital bed give some insight in the person JoeyK
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Each new day
Has been better, but if i would look at yesterday vs today, it wiuld be worse. Why?
I am more discombobulate and confused, a few more tremors and no more clear vision. Am I worried? Not at all, becaue it is better than the day before, I seemed to have lost the fever with medicine change and hae foud the current management of the headache effective.
If I looked a week ago, I would not recognize me because there is such a great change.
Reality tho, I am still completely disabled at this time.
When I came to Stamford, in 1977, I came for a spiritual quest which I did not understand. Frank and Marie came for one they did inderstand and form them the area was mostly barren. Not saying people are not spiritual, just the way of being, your spirituality, was not first.
Finding people to understand what was wanted at St. Luke's was even harder. We did not want t be to whities who came in and did what thet thought would help and then go home to the safety of our middle class homes at night.
Walter and his wife, the german, Bob, Penny, Jill and myself moved into the building as it was still being changed...The neighbothood noticed. Two sisters who lived a couple of streets away came down and started helping, An organist from down the streets helped with services.
Several people in the beat up homes across the street, who did not and some who did came over. Some people from some of the oversight clergy's home churches came, Episcopal, in Greenwich, Old Greenwich and Darien and they spent much of their free time with us. With Frank ,Marie and their son, this was the initial communitty of St Lukes.
An Emergency Shelter for agencies to refer people to, a clothing exchange (think person to person) for the neigborhood, The large emergency shelter for the red cross to use was functional, but not a full reality yet.
The chapel had services again and the summer camp had some respect..but there was a lot more to come.
If I told you we came to perfect harmony each time, or even most of the time, it would be a lie. That most of us had to continually struggle with out ideas being the best or our way being the best was the truth. That we tried to substitute our ideas with what we believed together as real and would be the best for the people in the neighborhood was a struggle.
I may add more to this but I now need to rest.
I am more discombobulate and confused, a few more tremors and no more clear vision. Am I worried? Not at all, becaue it is better than the day before, I seemed to have lost the fever with medicine change and hae foud the current management of the headache effective.
If I looked a week ago, I would not recognize me because there is such a great change.
Reality tho, I am still completely disabled at this time.
When I came to Stamford, in 1977, I came for a spiritual quest which I did not understand. Frank and Marie came for one they did inderstand and form them the area was mostly barren. Not saying people are not spiritual, just the way of being, your spirituality, was not first.
Finding people to understand what was wanted at St. Luke's was even harder. We did not want t be to whities who came in and did what thet thought would help and then go home to the safety of our middle class homes at night.
Walter and his wife, the german, Bob, Penny, Jill and myself moved into the building as it was still being changed...The neighbothood noticed. Two sisters who lived a couple of streets away came down and started helping, An organist from down the streets helped with services.
Several people in the beat up homes across the street, who did not and some who did came over. Some people from some of the oversight clergy's home churches came, Episcopal, in Greenwich, Old Greenwich and Darien and they spent much of their free time with us. With Frank ,Marie and their son, this was the initial communitty of St Lukes.
An Emergency Shelter for agencies to refer people to, a clothing exchange (think person to person) for the neigborhood, The large emergency shelter for the red cross to use was functional, but not a full reality yet.
The chapel had services again and the summer camp had some respect..but there was a lot more to come.
If I told you we came to perfect harmony each time, or even most of the time, it would be a lie. That most of us had to continually struggle with out ideas being the best or our way being the best was the truth. That we tried to substitute our ideas with what we believed together as real and would be the best for the people in the neighborhood was a struggle.
I may add more to this but I now need to rest.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Beginings further on
Today was a good day, I do not wear the eye patch at night and for a brief moment when I opened my eyes I could clearly see my feet. It went away, but that was encouraging.
The pain med that they have been giving me gives me up to 10 hours of relief, sometimes (and it aint advil). The Tylenol has been keeping the fever under control, but I still get really tired very quickly. Swallowing is the harder isssue to understand, I can drink some liquids very, very carefully, and swallowing solid foods is imposible, but I can eat a banana.
I do not remember the month St Luke's opened, but the core of the community of St Lukes was formed long before we tore down one piece of sheetrock on Woodasnd Place. We were commited to helping each other (not simply and there were always struggles) . So survival in Stamford was not an issue, but it did not make Stamord a nice to live.
About this time, I was hat my third job in Stamford, an independant environment lab that sent me around the country, where I realized it was not me, it WAS Stamford!
With Dairy Queen, the Terrace club, movie theaters, the sitting room ( a restaurant where Bull's head diner is now), the and the beachonly places to go out(I am sorry the topless places were here then, but not interesting to me) and there are all the summer church fairs, which are small, but nice and the beaches which are also small and nice, there is NYC, much nicer.
So we went to Wyoming with the job for 3 weeks and everything is isolated there anyway and I did my work and didn't notice any thing with my NE, Stamford, NY coworkers.
The we had 2 three month stints in Huntington, West Virgina, and thats when my eyes were opened!
There were poeple in this town and diners and restaurants and my shift started at midnight
We were downtown Huntington and I would get up and go out, eat, see things and talk to people. Go into work, do my job, go to sleep and start over. On my off day, since I was topsy turvey sleep wise, at midnight I would go to a truck stop to talk to the waitress ( couldn't do more, cause the company cars were at the plant), But I got to see Tom Jones in concert ( a true riot) . My coworkers always stayed in the motel-unless they went en mass out to eat.
I actually did not notice, but one of my coworkers saw how I was with the locals and asked me; "you're not afraid?"
"of what I replied, thry're nice people."
They were afraid! So for 6 months, I got to enjoy the hospitality of another town and its people all on my companies money. I know the first part of the job was in early spring and it was not nice weather wise and I stayed in a lot also, but the spring was beautiful!
So what did I learn? That if a stammi(new) is not running some one down either literally or in some power mad scheme, they are to afraid to reach out to say hello. They are afraid of differences, afraid to be friendly because it might cost them more than they can afford. They afraid of even acknowledging someone is saying hello. I think their own fear of not having is costing their ability to be a warm and friendly people.
That was insight on Stamford from Huntington, West Virgiana.
The pain med that they have been giving me gives me up to 10 hours of relief, sometimes (and it aint advil). The Tylenol has been keeping the fever under control, but I still get really tired very quickly. Swallowing is the harder isssue to understand, I can drink some liquids very, very carefully, and swallowing solid foods is imposible, but I can eat a banana.
I do not remember the month St Luke's opened, but the core of the community of St Lukes was formed long before we tore down one piece of sheetrock on Woodasnd Place. We were commited to helping each other (not simply and there were always struggles) . So survival in Stamford was not an issue, but it did not make Stamord a nice to live.
About this time, I was hat my third job in Stamford, an independant environment lab that sent me around the country, where I realized it was not me, it WAS Stamford!
With Dairy Queen, the Terrace club, movie theaters, the sitting room ( a restaurant where Bull's head diner is now), the and the beachonly places to go out(I am sorry the topless places were here then, but not interesting to me) and there are all the summer church fairs, which are small, but nice and the beaches which are also small and nice, there is NYC, much nicer.
So we went to Wyoming with the job for 3 weeks and everything is isolated there anyway and I did my work and didn't notice any thing with my NE, Stamford, NY coworkers.
The we had 2 three month stints in Huntington, West Virgina, and thats when my eyes were opened!
There were poeple in this town and diners and restaurants and my shift started at midnight
We were downtown Huntington and I would get up and go out, eat, see things and talk to people. Go into work, do my job, go to sleep and start over. On my off day, since I was topsy turvey sleep wise, at midnight I would go to a truck stop to talk to the waitress ( couldn't do more, cause the company cars were at the plant), But I got to see Tom Jones in concert ( a true riot) . My coworkers always stayed in the motel-unless they went en mass out to eat.
I actually did not notice, but one of my coworkers saw how I was with the locals and asked me; "you're not afraid?"
"of what I replied, thry're nice people."
They were afraid! So for 6 months, I got to enjoy the hospitality of another town and its people all on my companies money. I know the first part of the job was in early spring and it was not nice weather wise and I stayed in a lot also, but the spring was beautiful!
So what did I learn? That if a stammi(new) is not running some one down either literally or in some power mad scheme, they are to afraid to reach out to say hello. They are afraid of differences, afraid to be friendly because it might cost them more than they can afford. They afraid of even acknowledging someone is saying hello. I think their own fear of not having is costing their ability to be a warm and friendly people.
That was insight on Stamford from Huntington, West Virgiana.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Beginings and new new beginings
Thankfulness
That has been a genral theme in the Hospital, even with the blur of days immediately after the surgery, when I knew really knew nothing I was thankful. I lived through the surgery, I was breathing and doing something akin to eating. My mom was here and was being taken are of the two people who I consider as brothers and my unknown relationship stepped up to the plate and had adopted my mom, so now she is family at the very least.
The people I am in community with, without them, I would not have survived or made most of the right choice when it came to the entire hospital thing and of cource their visits and prayers and calls and just plain support.
Things that I was thankful for that may surprise you - the hospital food - it was flavorful and tho not a kobe burger, what would I expect, kept me very happy. The nurses and staff have been very helpful and I am sure have kept me living many times.
So I am thankful, but there are very many struggles just staying alive, keeping my breath straight and swallowing under control. Sometimes now it is a atruggle to stay awake- I get so very tired.
I see all the petty struggles in the hospital, no different than the real world and I see the people rise above them, the people who cause them and people just caught inside of them.
Frank was always a very passionate person, full of energy and dynamics. The Chapel at St Luke's was the only building that was in okay shape and it was being rented in the evenings to a local Hatian chuch and the building attached had one clean office which housed the eposcople churches hatian ministry with one priest.
There was a karate class they used the "gym", but the floorboards were all warped. And small senior ministry, which I do not remember well next to the kitchen..
Most of the rest of the building was used as a crash pad for homelesss and a shooting gallery by drug users..In other words , a mess.
Frank was working at Greenwich hospital where we got to meet David and his father(a Lutheran pastor).
I have always had it in me to want to help others, if I could, but there are real limitations when you are alone and real dangers as well and truth be told, I would try to help people "my" way and that really isn't helping them, it is only giving something I think they want or that I am able to give them and that really is only me doing something to make me feel good whether it helps the other person or not.
An example is if some one asks for money on the street, it very often to collect enough for booze or cigareetes, so I would not have give it. I as with Franklin's father when someone approached asking for money to eat. He got his wallet and told me to go buy the guy a sandwich fron the nearby deli. The guy waited for me to learn. I learned some small thing that day, and my arrogance was kicked in the ass cause I would not have doneanything about it and would have missed a real opppurtunity to help someone.
I think that is true problem people growing up middle or upper middle class, we think it what we do that helps without ever really knowing the problem.
Comfort, I do like, sometimes to much.
The idea of St Luke's was great - a short term shelter which would have nine rooms, an emergency shelter which the red cross would use, the place had a summer camp(with a bad reputation) and we would try that.
Some form of outreach for the neighbor hood. That sounded okay.
Of course there were 10 of us ? and we all worked full time and most of us had a lot to learn about giving.
Next thing i remember is I was working with Scott (Frank's son) shoveling out derbies and junk with other people: the german (from Houston) Bob and Walter (from the first episcopal encounter in the area), Franklin, and Marie, Penny and Walter's wife Corey. This was hard work and dirty work and it was not easy and not fun and you knew eventually this would help people, but not yet. I do not remember any of the clergy helping.
I notice this headache stops me in mid motion and I drop letters ( which just got corrected in this last couple of paragraphs).
That has been a genral theme in the Hospital, even with the blur of days immediately after the surgery, when I knew really knew nothing I was thankful. I lived through the surgery, I was breathing and doing something akin to eating. My mom was here and was being taken are of the two people who I consider as brothers and my unknown relationship stepped up to the plate and had adopted my mom, so now she is family at the very least.
The people I am in community with, without them, I would not have survived or made most of the right choice when it came to the entire hospital thing and of cource their visits and prayers and calls and just plain support.
Things that I was thankful for that may surprise you - the hospital food - it was flavorful and tho not a kobe burger, what would I expect, kept me very happy. The nurses and staff have been very helpful and I am sure have kept me living many times.
So I am thankful, but there are very many struggles just staying alive, keeping my breath straight and swallowing under control. Sometimes now it is a atruggle to stay awake- I get so very tired.
I see all the petty struggles in the hospital, no different than the real world and I see the people rise above them, the people who cause them and people just caught inside of them.
Frank was always a very passionate person, full of energy and dynamics. The Chapel at St Luke's was the only building that was in okay shape and it was being rented in the evenings to a local Hatian chuch and the building attached had one clean office which housed the eposcople churches hatian ministry with one priest.
There was a karate class they used the "gym", but the floorboards were all warped. And small senior ministry, which I do not remember well next to the kitchen..
Most of the rest of the building was used as a crash pad for homelesss and a shooting gallery by drug users..In other words , a mess.
Frank was working at Greenwich hospital where we got to meet David and his father(a Lutheran pastor).
I have always had it in me to want to help others, if I could, but there are real limitations when you are alone and real dangers as well and truth be told, I would try to help people "my" way and that really isn't helping them, it is only giving something I think they want or that I am able to give them and that really is only me doing something to make me feel good whether it helps the other person or not.
An example is if some one asks for money on the street, it very often to collect enough for booze or cigareetes, so I would not have give it. I as with Franklin's father when someone approached asking for money to eat. He got his wallet and told me to go buy the guy a sandwich fron the nearby deli. The guy waited for me to learn. I learned some small thing that day, and my arrogance was kicked in the ass cause I would not have doneanything about it and would have missed a real opppurtunity to help someone.
I think that is true problem people growing up middle or upper middle class, we think it what we do that helps without ever really knowing the problem.
Comfort, I do like, sometimes to much.
The idea of St Luke's was great - a short term shelter which would have nine rooms, an emergency shelter which the red cross would use, the place had a summer camp(with a bad reputation) and we would try that.
Some form of outreach for the neighbor hood. That sounded okay.
Of course there were 10 of us ? and we all worked full time and most of us had a lot to learn about giving.
Next thing i remember is I was working with Scott (Frank's son) shoveling out derbies and junk with other people: the german (from Houston) Bob and Walter (from the first episcopal encounter in the area), Franklin, and Marie, Penny and Walter's wife Corey. This was hard work and dirty work and it was not easy and not fun and you knew eventually this would help people, but not yet. I do not remember any of the clergy helping.
I notice this headache stops me in mid motion and I drop letters ( which just got corrected in this last couple of paragraphs).
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Beginings Stamford
It was a difficult night, things happen that concerned doctors and nurses and my mom' I had a kind of cold seizure before dinner when my mom was here, but I wasn't cold. It lasted 5 to 10 minutes and I could not control the tremors and shaking.
Doctors and nurses thought it was due to a peaking fever. I accept that it might actually be part of the healing process. The medicals attacked the issues with tylenol, ice packs, samples of blood sputum and x-rays and the fever did break. And they do not know the origin yet.
I WAS NOT FRIGHTENED OR WORRIED, i JUST KNEW THINGS WERE PROGRESSING.
It was not easy, but I was okay., And i think there was progress.
The trip from Houston. I barely remember, because it wastraumatic and flilled with problems. I think it took 2 days to drive with a couple of overnight stops, but I really can't remember.
We arrived inStamford at the little broken down farm house from the 1890's memorial day weekend.
There wass lots to do and time was a blur- getting the house ready, unpacking, finding jobs, finding grocery stores, learning how to get along in this coorporate farm town.
Althoug Frank's family lived in Greenwich and his sister lived in Stamford. The people were generally unfriendly by my standards and I was frightened. Marie ,who lived in the Bronx before this, felt isolated. She had a strong Roman faith, but the chuch that brought us here, failed in ther promise. But we did meet on couple from the church who were genuine and after a few months moved down into Stamford and we became a community again.
I had found a job in Stamford as an analytical chemist at a major coorporation, but the car my dad found for me in Houston, died before winter.
Marie had a job at the school of her son and that was set.
Frank found a job, but was spiritually not happy, but we were going to a beautiful Methodist chuch with a lot of good people, trying to make a small difference. To me it was a sanctuary.
And i was not ready to go back. to Houston even though I was struggling immensly and Frank and Marie were worried about me, I hung in there and if you say that was my very stubborn Greekside, you might be correct.
Frank introduced me to a girl who was originally from Stonington, CT, but lived in Bridgeport and worked with Frank.
A very sweet country middle class woman, Penny who was my first girlfriend up here, but was also interested the concept of community even though she came from a very traditional Baptist background.
The first snow in Stamford was the most I had seen in my life in a place I lived. It seemed always cold from then on. I lost my job (I will attribute it to my own emotional immaturity) in the spring.
Money wise we struggled, and we got by and my mom kept in touch with me by mail.
I started getting temp jobs doing accounting, because I was good in numbers and got one in Arnold bakers in Greenwich. They then told me that ther was a temp job in the lab to fill in for a pregnacy/child leave. I took it.
Frank and Maries familties were very supportive and that was different because they were close knit Itlalian families and they accepted us as part of their family.
The arnold job was fun and would last for one year.
Meanttime the charismatic tried to "take" over the Methodist chuch and we went to a small congregational church in North Stamford.
We had spiiritual peace for a while, mean time the Episcopal chuch was knocking again.
Beacuse we really accepted a "Benidictine" type spiritualliy, we worked to pray and prayed while working and the houses we lived in changed and were repaired.
The first house was mostly ready by the first winter, but it was cold and I quickly hated the cold.
But Stamfors it self had very few places to enjoy for recreation, though we would go to the libraries and beaches. But I would say Stamford was a vey dull and dreary place with no entertainment.
We were two households now, with two families plus in each one and we really struggled in Stamford, to just be and survive.
At Frank's suggestion and started adrressing my letters home to my dad and tried to repair the damage of an only son leaving home and the parents were ready for this change.
What the Episcopal church had in mind was a small chapel and buildings in the South end. If something wasn't going to happen they would tear it down and lots of people did not want that.
Meanwhile I can say te nurses in the Stamford Hospital are very attentive and helpng me through this very difficult recovery.
Doctors and nurses thought it was due to a peaking fever. I accept that it might actually be part of the healing process. The medicals attacked the issues with tylenol, ice packs, samples of blood sputum and x-rays and the fever did break. And they do not know the origin yet.
I WAS NOT FRIGHTENED OR WORRIED, i JUST KNEW THINGS WERE PROGRESSING.
It was not easy, but I was okay., And i think there was progress.
The trip from Houston. I barely remember, because it wastraumatic and flilled with problems. I think it took 2 days to drive with a couple of overnight stops, but I really can't remember.
We arrived inStamford at the little broken down farm house from the 1890's memorial day weekend.
There wass lots to do and time was a blur- getting the house ready, unpacking, finding jobs, finding grocery stores, learning how to get along in this coorporate farm town.
Althoug Frank's family lived in Greenwich and his sister lived in Stamford. The people were generally unfriendly by my standards and I was frightened. Marie ,who lived in the Bronx before this, felt isolated. She had a strong Roman faith, but the chuch that brought us here, failed in ther promise. But we did meet on couple from the church who were genuine and after a few months moved down into Stamford and we became a community again.
I had found a job in Stamford as an analytical chemist at a major coorporation, but the car my dad found for me in Houston, died before winter.
Marie had a job at the school of her son and that was set.
Frank found a job, but was spiritually not happy, but we were going to a beautiful Methodist chuch with a lot of good people, trying to make a small difference. To me it was a sanctuary.
And i was not ready to go back. to Houston even though I was struggling immensly and Frank and Marie were worried about me, I hung in there and if you say that was my very stubborn Greekside, you might be correct.
Frank introduced me to a girl who was originally from Stonington, CT, but lived in Bridgeport and worked with Frank.
A very sweet country middle class woman, Penny who was my first girlfriend up here, but was also interested the concept of community even though she came from a very traditional Baptist background.
The first snow in Stamford was the most I had seen in my life in a place I lived. It seemed always cold from then on. I lost my job (I will attribute it to my own emotional immaturity) in the spring.
Money wise we struggled, and we got by and my mom kept in touch with me by mail.
I started getting temp jobs doing accounting, because I was good in numbers and got one in Arnold bakers in Greenwich. They then told me that ther was a temp job in the lab to fill in for a pregnacy/child leave. I took it.
Frank and Maries familties were very supportive and that was different because they were close knit Itlalian families and they accepted us as part of their family.
The arnold job was fun and would last for one year.
Meanttime the charismatic tried to "take" over the Methodist chuch and we went to a small congregational church in North Stamford.
We had spiiritual peace for a while, mean time the Episcopal chuch was knocking again.
Beacuse we really accepted a "Benidictine" type spiritualliy, we worked to pray and prayed while working and the houses we lived in changed and were repaired.
The first house was mostly ready by the first winter, but it was cold and I quickly hated the cold.
But Stamfors it self had very few places to enjoy for recreation, though we would go to the libraries and beaches. But I would say Stamford was a vey dull and dreary place with no entertainment.
We were two households now, with two families plus in each one and we really struggled in Stamford, to just be and survive.
At Frank's suggestion and started adrressing my letters home to my dad and tried to repair the damage of an only son leaving home and the parents were ready for this change.
What the Episcopal church had in mind was a small chapel and buildings in the South end. If something wasn't going to happen they would tear it down and lots of people did not want that.
Meanwhile I can say te nurses in the Stamford Hospital are very attentive and helpng me through this very difficult recovery.
Monday, August 25, 2008
beginings leaving houston
Discomfort - an Idea I don't like but am familiar with.
In the Hospital, I now have a low grade fever and they have discounted UTI, and chest problems, but they ran tests anyways and then some more tests and now I am on an antibiotic.
This is NOT frightening, just uncomfortable, The the now apparent bouts of hacking and coughing and snorting that has been going on. I am not alarmed, but I really did not want this going on at the same time as the problems that I consider serious, but that is not my choice. I want to out to my home pick the clothes I want and come back quickly (Nope, not happening) I would love to go out and eat mexican, ( nope still not happening)
I am still in survival mode and good food, drinks and being out are a far distance. I eat and drink exactly what I am able and I have no Complaints. And I still Struggle not to drown myself.
I am imoroving, but my ability to see is limited, but I know ther is improvement.
I also seem to have been surrounded by the sim,ple peopls of God. Who God bless me as they empty the garbage or clean my room or take me to excersise or a test. For this I am very grateful and I realy do not feel alone, ever.
ne of my struggles in Houston was being alone, I did not want to be and I really wanted to be as well.
In the cource of getting closer to household in Housto, I found that I didn't have to choose. We were together completely, except when we were apart and even then ther were bonds to didnot separate.
Ny girlfriend left me because she wanted the lower middle class life and that life made no sence to me. We fought constantly over stupid simple things and when we did break up, my dad said it really was for the best and was glad.
I was never the most aware kid and I do not know the sequence of things, but at some point
Frank and his wife would move to Stamford, but had no idea how it would happen. There were manythings in the way, a house, a school for his son and jobs.
They approached me. This was very serous and needed to pray, seek guidance etc to see if God would want me ther. I didnot know, I still needed to finish school, This had not offered the last class I needed to graduate and that was first - a "fleece" was laid. because it still wasn't offered in the spring semester.
I was uncomforatable about the unknown and really took my time with things.
They had been going to a large chuch episcopal, in River Oaks. When you think rich uo here you think Greenwich, westport darian etc, in Houston it is River Oaks were the wealth of all those towns I mentioned from up here pall compared to River Oaks. But most people when you met them on the street you would not kn ow it. The church was very traditional low to middle episcopal chuch and had a large congregation with 3 preist.
They helped guide Frank and Marie in their decision making process and supported them in many other ways as well. When the fourth ward clinic closed, they go the congrgation to support paid staff ( doctord, nurses, med techs, etc, to reopen it and it is opened to this day.
I had been a bit tainted by my short stint with the "Fundies" and might have been a bit Jesus freaky. Frank was not, keeping my parents informed, finishing school, seing them regularly if I moved in with them was a priority. I would not be tra-la-ling down any path. His concern for any relationship was strong and would be my main encouragement when I did move. He also Asked if I could stay two years and I was okay with that.
Marie, his wife was just as serious. She really did not want to move.
Franks sister found a house and they got a mortgage using Frank's 70 plus year old Father as a cosigner.
The Whitby school found a place for Scott and a job for Marie.
Then, the class I needed became available...I signed up. Then in December they decided they would cancel it because there were to few Students, but when time came to Start the Spring Semester, they opened again. The First class had 6 people in it and they threatened to close it.
This was my way of seeing if things would or would not happen, so I did not try to force anything and let things happen.
Reality, I was scared out my mind and very uncomforatable, but My life was not in any trouble or danger.
We left after my last test and I officially graduated in May.
In the Hospital, I now have a low grade fever and they have discounted UTI, and chest problems, but they ran tests anyways and then some more tests and now I am on an antibiotic.
This is NOT frightening, just uncomfortable, The the now apparent bouts of hacking and coughing and snorting that has been going on. I am not alarmed, but I really did not want this going on at the same time as the problems that I consider serious, but that is not my choice. I want to out to my home pick the clothes I want and come back quickly (Nope, not happening) I would love to go out and eat mexican, ( nope still not happening)
I am still in survival mode and good food, drinks and being out are a far distance. I eat and drink exactly what I am able and I have no Complaints. And I still Struggle not to drown myself.
I am imoroving, but my ability to see is limited, but I know ther is improvement.
I also seem to have been surrounded by the sim,ple peopls of God. Who God bless me as they empty the garbage or clean my room or take me to excersise or a test. For this I am very grateful and I realy do not feel alone, ever.
ne of my struggles in Houston was being alone, I did not want to be and I really wanted to be as well.
In the cource of getting closer to household in Housto, I found that I didn't have to choose. We were together completely, except when we were apart and even then ther were bonds to didnot separate.
Ny girlfriend left me because she wanted the lower middle class life and that life made no sence to me. We fought constantly over stupid simple things and when we did break up, my dad said it really was for the best and was glad.
I was never the most aware kid and I do not know the sequence of things, but at some point
Frank and his wife would move to Stamford, but had no idea how it would happen. There were manythings in the way, a house, a school for his son and jobs.
They approached me. This was very serous and needed to pray, seek guidance etc to see if God would want me ther. I didnot know, I still needed to finish school, This had not offered the last class I needed to graduate and that was first - a "fleece" was laid. because it still wasn't offered in the spring semester.
I was uncomforatable about the unknown and really took my time with things.
They had been going to a large chuch episcopal, in River Oaks. When you think rich uo here you think Greenwich, westport darian etc, in Houston it is River Oaks were the wealth of all those towns I mentioned from up here pall compared to River Oaks. But most people when you met them on the street you would not kn ow it. The church was very traditional low to middle episcopal chuch and had a large congregation with 3 preist.
They helped guide Frank and Marie in their decision making process and supported them in many other ways as well. When the fourth ward clinic closed, they go the congrgation to support paid staff ( doctord, nurses, med techs, etc, to reopen it and it is opened to this day.
I had been a bit tainted by my short stint with the "Fundies" and might have been a bit Jesus freaky. Frank was not, keeping my parents informed, finishing school, seing them regularly if I moved in with them was a priority. I would not be tra-la-ling down any path. His concern for any relationship was strong and would be my main encouragement when I did move. He also Asked if I could stay two years and I was okay with that.
Marie, his wife was just as serious. She really did not want to move.
Franks sister found a house and they got a mortgage using Frank's 70 plus year old Father as a cosigner.
The Whitby school found a place for Scott and a job for Marie.
Then, the class I needed became available...I signed up. Then in December they decided they would cancel it because there were to few Students, but when time came to Start the Spring Semester, they opened again. The First class had 6 people in it and they threatened to close it.
This was my way of seeing if things would or would not happen, so I did not try to force anything and let things happen.
Reality, I was scared out my mind and very uncomforatable, but My life was not in any trouble or danger.
We left after my last test and I officially graduated in May.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Beginings back to Houston
As I have time to reflect and think and pray I seem not have troube keeping ieas in the order
I hate the jumpyness in all computer products because I will be writing a tought and then there is a system or connection shake up and I AM WRITING IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, Caps go on and generaLLY i NEVER CARED HOW CLUMBSY MY HANDS BECAUSE i WOULD CATCH IT EASILT AND GO BACK. Now I do not know how the caps came on. and I am not retyping this.
My eyes focus on the keyboard and not thescreen and that really is enough.
So back to houston
The Epicapol Church I was interested in was dynamic and peaceful and full of dignity and that was good. The Chaarismatic porsion did not over welm the traditional portion and the traditional portion did not overwelm the charismatic portion. I went often, bur my girlfriend would not. it was too different from her traditional baptist backgrpund. And the best part was they never ever pushed anything.
I wanted to join went to a priest and he said I would need to join a household and move out of my parents house.
Who not ready for this, fear of the unknown, scaaared. Heck I wasn't ready to move out of my parents houseonmy own, I was way to comfortabe and I was 20.
So I kept visiting the church, going to school and visiting other places, including the Grek Church, which is very comfortable as a greek, but I did not know greek and it also was a forieghn land. (And the rality if you look a greeks they are fairly arogant especially with their church, but it is theirs and that is okay and I will go anytime)
Then on spring a friend from the "upper class" area of houston invited me over for a swim (think Greenwich) This is where I met Franklin.
He came from this area and had been a dynamic administrator of programs in The NYC Health Department, was Episcopal/headonist/searchingHe heard about the Chuch of the redeemer and what they were trying to do and flew to find out. A bit later he and his wife moved down.The Chuch had a small ministry that they were moving to another episcopal chuch which was trying community. The Ministry was the Four Ward Clinic, In the poorest area of Houston, where health care didnot exist. People came for problems, mini emergencies, vaccines etc and they paid what they could.
The clinic had a full Lab with volunteers and several doctors and nurses ad lab techs and everthing else. They were not paid.
When I saw Frank. he was different, he had passion and a purpose, he wanted to serve God by helping people. I never met someone with so much energy and he was relaxing by a pool!
We talked, he had someone in his household.. a German Athiest, who was volunteering attr the clinic. He asked at some point if I would be interested in volunteering one day at the clin nin if my school schedule would allow.
Oh yes!
He lived in the fourthward where the city gave them an old dynamic house to live in for a dollar a year. The only thing he had to do was keep it clean.
I started volenteering and realized that these people were not special, but had a passion and a focus and there were problem, but the people who came from outside never suffered, they were the priority, no matter what else was happening between personalities.
The job was acceptable to my dad, but he really did want me to make money, but I was at home and every so often I was invited over to Frank's household for an evening meal.
The household had Frank's wafe and son and between 2 and4 other males (including the German) The meals were simple but filling, noone lacked...that was intersting cause they had no income, but things given to one household, was always shared among everyone.
One evvening there was a discussion I over heard that one household had not had meat for weeks. The next day I went to the sroe and got the bigest roast I could.
So that was sacrifice, real sacrifice, not on my part, that was easy. Everything that happened. Their own comfort really took a back seat.
I started staying over one night a weekand would work renovating the place(no just keeping it clean, this was a super historic building that had been left to disappear) We replaced sheetrock and painted walls and did what ever to bring it to its formor glory.(the house was a two story masion wwith huge rooms.)
Things happen, people get in the way and the clinic closed 9 months after I was there'
Frank and his household stayed together, but moved to a place near the galleria. This was a normal house, single floor, a few bed rooms. He his wife his son the german, who had since converted and a foster boy. Frank got a Job, but I do not remeber where, but I think I was medica related. I Started staying over more.
I knew it woould be hard on my parents, I guess If I had gone away to college, it would have been easier, but I was not ready and so the gradual thing happened.
\It was not easy, my relation with my dad was always strained, because he though somewhere I was a whimp. And I was way to smothered from my mom, who always wanted to protect me.
In that summer before I moved in I got a job for the summer at theGettty Reseach Lab and it was fun and paid me and that helped my dad.
Fall I left the lab to continue my studies.
In the mean time thing were happing with Frank and his Household. People wanted him back up in this area to bring his community experience, they did not want to go.
I hate the jumpyness in all computer products because I will be writing a tought and then there is a system or connection shake up and I AM WRITING IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, Caps go on and generaLLY i NEVER CARED HOW CLUMBSY MY HANDS BECAUSE i WOULD CATCH IT EASILT AND GO BACK. Now I do not know how the caps came on. and I am not retyping this.
My eyes focus on the keyboard and not thescreen and that really is enough.
So back to houston
The Epicapol Church I was interested in was dynamic and peaceful and full of dignity and that was good. The Chaarismatic porsion did not over welm the traditional portion and the traditional portion did not overwelm the charismatic portion. I went often, bur my girlfriend would not. it was too different from her traditional baptist backgrpund. And the best part was they never ever pushed anything.
I wanted to join went to a priest and he said I would need to join a household and move out of my parents house.
Who not ready for this, fear of the unknown, scaaared. Heck I wasn't ready to move out of my parents houseonmy own, I was way to comfortabe and I was 20.
So I kept visiting the church, going to school and visiting other places, including the Grek Church, which is very comfortable as a greek, but I did not know greek and it also was a forieghn land. (And the rality if you look a greeks they are fairly arogant especially with their church, but it is theirs and that is okay and I will go anytime)
Then on spring a friend from the "upper class" area of houston invited me over for a swim (think Greenwich) This is where I met Franklin.
He came from this area and had been a dynamic administrator of programs in The NYC Health Department, was Episcopal/headonist/searchingHe heard about the Chuch of the redeemer and what they were trying to do and flew to find out. A bit later he and his wife moved down.The Chuch had a small ministry that they were moving to another episcopal chuch which was trying community. The Ministry was the Four Ward Clinic, In the poorest area of Houston, where health care didnot exist. People came for problems, mini emergencies, vaccines etc and they paid what they could.
The clinic had a full Lab with volunteers and several doctors and nurses ad lab techs and everthing else. They were not paid.
When I saw Frank. he was different, he had passion and a purpose, he wanted to serve God by helping people. I never met someone with so much energy and he was relaxing by a pool!
We talked, he had someone in his household.. a German Athiest, who was volunteering attr the clinic. He asked at some point if I would be interested in volunteering one day at the clin nin if my school schedule would allow.
Oh yes!
He lived in the fourthward where the city gave them an old dynamic house to live in for a dollar a year. The only thing he had to do was keep it clean.
I started volenteering and realized that these people were not special, but had a passion and a focus and there were problem, but the people who came from outside never suffered, they were the priority, no matter what else was happening between personalities.
The job was acceptable to my dad, but he really did want me to make money, but I was at home and every so often I was invited over to Frank's household for an evening meal.
The household had Frank's wafe and son and between 2 and4 other males (including the German) The meals were simple but filling, noone lacked...that was intersting cause they had no income, but things given to one household, was always shared among everyone.
One evvening there was a discussion I over heard that one household had not had meat for weeks. The next day I went to the sroe and got the bigest roast I could.
So that was sacrifice, real sacrifice, not on my part, that was easy. Everything that happened. Their own comfort really took a back seat.
I started staying over one night a weekand would work renovating the place(no just keeping it clean, this was a super historic building that had been left to disappear) We replaced sheetrock and painted walls and did what ever to bring it to its formor glory.(the house was a two story masion wwith huge rooms.)
Things happen, people get in the way and the clinic closed 9 months after I was there'
Frank and his household stayed together, but moved to a place near the galleria. This was a normal house, single floor, a few bed rooms. He his wife his son the german, who had since converted and a foster boy. Frank got a Job, but I do not remeber where, but I think I was medica related. I Started staying over more.
I knew it woould be hard on my parents, I guess If I had gone away to college, it would have been easier, but I was not ready and so the gradual thing happened.
\It was not easy, my relation with my dad was always strained, because he though somewhere I was a whimp. And I was way to smothered from my mom, who always wanted to protect me.
In that summer before I moved in I got a job for the summer at theGettty Reseach Lab and it was fun and paid me and that helped my dad.
Fall I left the lab to continue my studies.
In the mean time thing were happing with Frank and his Household. People wanted him back up in this area to bring his community experience, they did not want to go.
beginings stuck in a mode
As i sit in the hospital with everything at an almost stanstill, I think a lot. y brain is not affected and is doing its usualy inventory, but since thereis niothing to interfer, it is better.
I think of fear and realize I am not afraid, not afraid if I can't work anymore, nit afraid if I will everybe able to see right again(but I really want to), not to afraid of not being ablke to eat things I like again(but that is more and disconfornt) and some what afraid of aspirating on my spit and drowning ( not a pleasant thought)
I am not worried about the people I have taken cae of even my mother , everyting I just relaxed with, gave up gave for God to control what ever you call it. I am actually very peacefulso I know there is no fear.
But before the surgery, I was Irratable, short, would push the people closest to me away. I was very unhappy.
Since I have no conscept in my mind of correct spirituallity, I do accept a lot. . . if it meets the criteria of kind, inclusive, caring and really god centerd...I then went to a physcic fair with a friend, who may have dragged me.
I told the first person that I was needing knowledge on a medical condition ans she never connected talked about blood sugar and eating less meat. I told her you did not connect
They sent me immediately to someone else and I rpresented the same info
She went through the short list of things I know are wrong with me and stop and said I am shaking,, there is so much fear and then she hit the entire diagnosis on the head, where it was what it was. Then she looked at me and the soul has severaal 'outs' in this life, this isnot yours and I believed her.
And was able to into the operation with less fear by far.
I really was afraid of dying.
As a young middleclass boy the nightmare is the odd fears that we face.
I grew up with many of them, I was afraid of not being good eniough or liked or 'suceeding' or meeting my parents expectations.
I was the good boy who was too afraid to be bad.
Yes I was afraid of the pressure keg that was my small family, the pressures at work and the abuse he would bring home and really take out on my mom, but we did survive, not fabulously, but I did not everneed anything to live and we had many good times as well.
So in akk that there was fear in me whihc something translated into rage or depression and that was the complicated boy that I was growing up.
And my internal fear was the most difficult for me to live with cause it meant I was not perfect and I wanted to be perfect.
Here I went into the operation without the fear
I think of fear and realize I am not afraid, not afraid if I can't work anymore, nit afraid if I will everybe able to see right again(but I really want to), not to afraid of not being ablke to eat things I like again(but that is more and disconfornt) and some what afraid of aspirating on my spit and drowning ( not a pleasant thought)
I am not worried about the people I have taken cae of even my mother , everyting I just relaxed with, gave up gave for God to control what ever you call it. I am actually very peacefulso I know there is no fear.
But before the surgery, I was Irratable, short, would push the people closest to me away. I was very unhappy.
Since I have no conscept in my mind of correct spirituallity, I do accept a lot. . . if it meets the criteria of kind, inclusive, caring and really god centerd...I then went to a physcic fair with a friend, who may have dragged me.
I told the first person that I was needing knowledge on a medical condition ans she never connected talked about blood sugar and eating less meat. I told her you did not connect
They sent me immediately to someone else and I rpresented the same info
She went through the short list of things I know are wrong with me and stop and said I am shaking,, there is so much fear and then she hit the entire diagnosis on the head, where it was what it was. Then she looked at me and the soul has severaal 'outs' in this life, this isnot yours and I believed her.
And was able to into the operation with less fear by far.
I really was afraid of dying.
As a young middleclass boy the nightmare is the odd fears that we face.
I grew up with many of them, I was afraid of not being good eniough or liked or 'suceeding' or meeting my parents expectations.
I was the good boy who was too afraid to be bad.
Yes I was afraid of the pressure keg that was my small family, the pressures at work and the abuse he would bring home and really take out on my mom, but we did survive, not fabulously, but I did not everneed anything to live and we had many good times as well.
So in akk that there was fear in me whihc something translated into rage or depression and that was the complicated boy that I was growing up.
And my internal fear was the most difficult for me to live with cause it meant I was not perfect and I wanted to be perfect.
Here I went into the operation without the fear
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Beginings still more
As I sit in a chair, I get to reflect
as I struggle not aspirate my own swallow..I think of survival
As I sruggle to swallow the simplest of foods, I understand a tiny bit of survival
Growing up as I did, I never really suffered, never really struggled.
I understood sacrifice, because that is what my very smart Father did everyday for me, eing seriously discriminated against AS AN individual because he was foriegn in Texas
My Mom suffered because of this, but it was the emotional and sometimes physical suffering of being in a pressure cooker.
Were things easy?? actually, yes I had what I neeed, food, clothes, shelter, parents.
They sacrificed to make sure I had those things, we were not rich, but we never desparte for anything. We ate out vacationed fished. I never had a serious physical problem, save for the occational bully, who really did underestimate me.
I really and truely had. But as I said before, middle classre life is a nightmare.
The direction is not to survive, but to suceed and become part of what really is an illusion.
So the struggle is to find direction.Chemistry became a quick passion in early high school despite several bad teachers and my third grade teacher.
There really was not much else to challenge me.
I grew up white with almost no contact or comprehension that there were others out there.
That someone might go to bed hungry or endanger of their life was incomprehensable....
So what I wanted to do was unclear, but I always wanted to help and underdog and stopped several bullies (including the captain of the football team) frompicking on lesser people.
So I sit here understanding what it means to try to survive as a I work to make sure I don't asparate my own saliava and what it means to suffer as I fail to be able to swallow mashed potaotes.
I guess I now have a small comprehension of suffering.
as I struggle not aspirate my own swallow..I think of survival
As I sruggle to swallow the simplest of foods, I understand a tiny bit of survival
Growing up as I did, I never really suffered, never really struggled.
I understood sacrifice, because that is what my very smart Father did everyday for me, eing seriously discriminated against AS AN individual because he was foriegn in Texas
My Mom suffered because of this, but it was the emotional and sometimes physical suffering of being in a pressure cooker.
Were things easy?? actually, yes I had what I neeed, food, clothes, shelter, parents.
They sacrificed to make sure I had those things, we were not rich, but we never desparte for anything. We ate out vacationed fished. I never had a serious physical problem, save for the occational bully, who really did underestimate me.
I really and truely had. But as I said before, middle classre life is a nightmare.
The direction is not to survive, but to suceed and become part of what really is an illusion.
So the struggle is to find direction.Chemistry became a quick passion in early high school despite several bad teachers and my third grade teacher.
There really was not much else to challenge me.
I grew up white with almost no contact or comprehension that there were others out there.
That someone might go to bed hungry or endanger of their life was incomprehensable....
So what I wanted to do was unclear, but I always wanted to help and underdog and stopped several bullies (including the captain of the football team) frompicking on lesser people.
So I sit here understanding what it means to try to survive as a I work to make sure I don't asparate my own saliava and what it means to suffer as I fail to be able to swallow mashed potaotes.
I guess I now have a small comprehension of suffering.
Friday, August 22, 2008
The begining
I was born in Houston, Texas a long time ago to the daughter of greek immegrants and a Fr
Fenchman, They were outcasts in Texas, because of their status, I was a Texan.
They weere both highly accomplished, piolots, prossessionals, nurse and they moved to find a good life in Texas, mostly for me. They Struggled and survived and I lived the middle class dream (or nightmare)
Saddly I was very bright, but so much so that my third grade math teacher took my parents aside and said I would never accomplich much in math or sience.
I read vorasiously, I was intewrested in everything, but I became more a loner with only a few friends, who were not like me. Heck, no one was like me.'I finished the elementrary libray by 4 grade abd was measured a 1200 words a minute with 9% comprehension in 6th grade (If they only knew I read it twice to get that comprehensipo,)
I stilled stayed more to my self and loved insects In 6 th grade my math strength became apperent and was it because my dad let me off on my on or brccause he prepared me to think different???
Anywat I didn't have any scoe lee than a B after that and would sit in math class playing chess and quicky gave correct answers when when call in a moment. My Math teachers were mad cause I was labled non numeric.
I played sand lot foot ball, team baseball and swam and swam and became a target for the junior olypians at the YMCA.
And was not interested, learned chess from the board, ping pong baseball. But go to a team.
In High school, I was the misfit, to smart (for the brains and to athletic) not team oriented ehogh for school sports and actually to young for my class so I hung with the lower grades.
sandlot foot ball and baseball was a joy and I really got a long with those people. My best friend lived on my dtreet and was none of the above, but he was smart, he was my age and in the lesser grade.
I loved all sciences, reading and quickly settled with scifi and fiction as my favorites. I competed in Debate ternaments, but soon discovered that my intellect and reasson was flawed because great emotion and passion and anger would flow out in the formal debates, rendering my arguement usueless.
Spiritully, I was Greek Orthodoxy (Think greek weeding without the family) and searching
I had no sibblings, no family near (VA beach was the greek side and France was the French side) and they were ot part of my like.. I saw them greek side every few years.
I was a scientist with no real understanding of spirituallity except the greek festival that occur yearly and a sunday service once in a whi;le. My Dad didn't care becase he saw Roman injustist in SSpain during the wa, r and would nither go to Roman church or France. He did go to an occasional greek service.
So the end of high school left me feeling alone and my Christian friends trying to help.My best friend was stauch Methodist and was never pushyThe other became a convert to the charismatic evangellical movemnt and would constantly bombbard me. The question of who influenced was never it doubt, the quiet one, who would patiently listen to me rant and rave and then say, maybe you should try it for a while and let me sit fumming aand flumoxed, cause there was no defence against that. The other would drag me off to camp meetings and try to convert me at every turn.
As I was preparing to go away for thr Summer (it was not planned, but for 2 weeks in Va Beacg with my cousins and aunt and uncle who owned a motel in Va beach and ran it.
In the quiet of room, with all my emotions boiling and turmoil in my head and heart I asked for elp and had an experience and was at peace.
We left the next molrning and I stayed with true strangers for 2 months away from home and parents for the first time in my life,'
I caught myself after work at nigh (Ihelped clean rooms) on the board walk singing for joy and lots of people tried to get me to be their style of christain, but That wasn'y happening. I was free and happy and open. I swam, met people, layed on the beach, ate a learned a bit about my family. that I did not know.
I think ther is something familiar about all greek families and very difficult to enter as an outsider, even though they tried very hard. I as an outsider and loving it. and they wold hate me for saying it.
Whille at the hotel I got to play ping ping ( which I was good at, not great) and was in a 3 game match with the ohio state chess master where the score was 1-1-1.
\i came home after 2 months by plan and my parents didnot recognize me, I had lost weight, got a great tan and seemed taller to them.
I went back to school with a vengance, but I did not take 24+ semester hour like the first 2, I took 18 and 20.
I became slighlt involved at the evangelistic temple, but they did not recogizze my friends spirituallity cause he did not speak in toungues...That was usless to and no different than all the Baptist heavan and hell stuff.
He became invovle breifly with an inner city charasmatic episcopal chuch that was actually tryinh to do something and help people in need. That made sence, but was more difficult, because they were experimenting with a concept called community and household,
This made sence they were not requiring special signs, but participation and some form of comminment.
School and outside jobs a continued with vissits to other churches, catholic, baptist, pentcostile etc. My girlfried was abit afraid and would not join me ( she was staunch baptist and stopped comming)
I had a kind of direction, but not completely sure ,,, I still lived at home and it was getting time for me to continue. Rents were cheap in Houston, gas was cheap in houston, Living was cheap in Houston and warm.
Fenchman, They were outcasts in Texas, because of their status, I was a Texan.
They weere both highly accomplished, piolots, prossessionals, nurse and they moved to find a good life in Texas, mostly for me. They Struggled and survived and I lived the middle class dream (or nightmare)
Saddly I was very bright, but so much so that my third grade math teacher took my parents aside and said I would never accomplich much in math or sience.
I read vorasiously, I was intewrested in everything, but I became more a loner with only a few friends, who were not like me. Heck, no one was like me.'I finished the elementrary libray by 4 grade abd was measured a 1200 words a minute with 9% comprehension in 6th grade (If they only knew I read it twice to get that comprehensipo,)
I stilled stayed more to my self and loved insects In 6 th grade my math strength became apperent and was it because my dad let me off on my on or brccause he prepared me to think different???
Anywat I didn't have any scoe lee than a B after that and would sit in math class playing chess and quicky gave correct answers when when call in a moment. My Math teachers were mad cause I was labled non numeric.
I played sand lot foot ball, team baseball and swam and swam and became a target for the junior olypians at the YMCA.
And was not interested, learned chess from the board, ping pong baseball. But go to a team.
In High school, I was the misfit, to smart (for the brains and to athletic) not team oriented ehogh for school sports and actually to young for my class so I hung with the lower grades.
sandlot foot ball and baseball was a joy and I really got a long with those people. My best friend lived on my dtreet and was none of the above, but he was smart, he was my age and in the lesser grade.
I loved all sciences, reading and quickly settled with scifi and fiction as my favorites. I competed in Debate ternaments, but soon discovered that my intellect and reasson was flawed because great emotion and passion and anger would flow out in the formal debates, rendering my arguement usueless.
Spiritully, I was Greek Orthodoxy (Think greek weeding without the family) and searching
I had no sibblings, no family near (VA beach was the greek side and France was the French side) and they were ot part of my like.. I saw them greek side every few years.
I was a scientist with no real understanding of spirituallity except the greek festival that occur yearly and a sunday service once in a whi;le. My Dad didn't care becase he saw Roman injustist in SSpain during the wa, r and would nither go to Roman church or France. He did go to an occasional greek service.
So the end of high school left me feeling alone and my Christian friends trying to help.My best friend was stauch Methodist and was never pushyThe other became a convert to the charismatic evangellical movemnt and would constantly bombbard me. The question of who influenced was never it doubt, the quiet one, who would patiently listen to me rant and rave and then say, maybe you should try it for a while and let me sit fumming aand flumoxed, cause there was no defence against that. The other would drag me off to camp meetings and try to convert me at every turn.
As I was preparing to go away for thr Summer (it was not planned, but for 2 weeks in Va Beacg with my cousins and aunt and uncle who owned a motel in Va beach and ran it.
In the quiet of room, with all my emotions boiling and turmoil in my head and heart I asked for elp and had an experience and was at peace.
We left the next molrning and I stayed with true strangers for 2 months away from home and parents for the first time in my life,'
I caught myself after work at nigh (Ihelped clean rooms) on the board walk singing for joy and lots of people tried to get me to be their style of christain, but That wasn'y happening. I was free and happy and open. I swam, met people, layed on the beach, ate a learned a bit about my family. that I did not know.
I think ther is something familiar about all greek families and very difficult to enter as an outsider, even though they tried very hard. I as an outsider and loving it. and they wold hate me for saying it.
Whille at the hotel I got to play ping ping ( which I was good at, not great) and was in a 3 game match with the ohio state chess master where the score was 1-1-1.
\i came home after 2 months by plan and my parents didnot recognize me, I had lost weight, got a great tan and seemed taller to them.
I went back to school with a vengance, but I did not take 24+ semester hour like the first 2, I took 18 and 20.
I became slighlt involved at the evangelistic temple, but they did not recogizze my friends spirituallity cause he did not speak in toungues...That was usless to and no different than all the Baptist heavan and hell stuff.
He became invovle breifly with an inner city charasmatic episcopal chuch that was actually tryinh to do something and help people in need. That made sence, but was more difficult, because they were experimenting with a concept called community and household,
This made sence they were not requiring special signs, but participation and some form of comminment.
School and outside jobs a continued with vissits to other churches, catholic, baptist, pentcostile etc. My girlfried was abit afraid and would not join me ( she was staunch baptist and stopped comming)
I had a kind of direction, but not completely sure ,,, I still lived at home and it was getting time for me to continue. Rents were cheap in Houston, gas was cheap in houston, Living was cheap in Houston and warm.
reflections
reflections I was not expecting this, of course when I came to Stamford, I was not expecting that either.
I was okay - sufferring headaches and fatique and confusions and head aches, but I was functipning???
Now I can't see striaght, double vission in a visious wat, cannot swallow water and can't walk without help, but I am alive which I might not be otherwise. My doctor is good and had a hntch and ran with it and every thing was caught early...I am grateful beyond all words, butI really was not prepared.
The doctors explained much, but I had no way to comprehend what they were saying.
I was a very resourceful individual with much responsibility.
That changed 14 days ago. and I do not lnow how long it will take before I am normal again or will be stable again. Things change things stay the same...I still ca'n't walk or see straight or swallow water.
During this turbulent time I will try to go back and reflect on who I was and where I came from.
English and speling will be difficult, but hang in and you wi;; see a story..to the best of my ability,
I was okay - sufferring headaches and fatique and confusions and head aches, but I was functipning???
Now I can't see striaght, double vission in a visious wat, cannot swallow water and can't walk without help, but I am alive which I might not be otherwise. My doctor is good and had a hntch and ran with it and every thing was caught early...I am grateful beyond all words, butI really was not prepared.
The doctors explained much, but I had no way to comprehend what they were saying.
I was a very resourceful individual with much responsibility.
That changed 14 days ago. and I do not lnow how long it will take before I am normal again or will be stable again. Things change things stay the same...I still ca'n't walk or see straight or swallow water.
During this turbulent time I will try to go back and reflect on who I was and where I came from.
English and speling will be difficult, but hang in and you wi;; see a story..to the best of my ability,
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Begginings
in 1977 I came to Stamford, with a small gtoup of peoole who believed this was whete we were to be for awhale.
Ha
I hadlived in houston texas all of my life befoe except for a few months in Va beach. Iwas finsishing coolege and really not knowing what dirsection to go.
e I see unclearly with one eye and not well at all with theother
The friends U met, had come down to Houaton in Persuit of a spiritual community
This is practice right now cau
finding my way blindly on a key board is diffucult, spelling, never strong harder
b ut this experience reminds me of first coming to Stsmford
mu friends were asked to bring their experience with them here and thety asked if I would come
never living away from home and really comfused about direction helped me move.
I would work in my field and got a job qiickly.
but the reason we came disapperaed quickly and we were in Stamford trying to survie.
Sometimes I know it was right, sometimes I wonder, we went ot a beautiful methodist church and were welcolmed until the spiritual pople wanted to convert everyone, then to a congregational church where prety much the samething happened'the pople who claimed the moost spirituLLITY ALWAYS SEED TO DISLIKE THOSE WHO LIVED QUIET LIVES.
Emphasisis a typo???
So we camewup got pushed aound and then got another call.
I think my job at the Health Department happen near the same time as when we got invikved in St Lukes Chapel in the south end. It was a mess, but the E[iscopal church need a small group of dedicated people to turn it in something it was not... a minisstry
Else it would be torn down
Frank Marzullo had ideas and the government had geant and God had his own way with everything
Rene Kahn was happy, the cirty was happy, the poeplein the southend were happier'Even Desond Tutu said it was CT only inner city minisry when he came to visit
We were politly??? asked to give back to the clergy after 7 years, a lot of heart ache, loss ans locve. We gladly did and the Community of St Luk/es ministry become St Luke sociak services with more monry and people then we ever saw.
But is this the way always???
I do not know as I sit in this hosspital room struggling with my new temporary disabilities I wondrt.
I came in couse my Dr found a brain tumor thet was slowly destroyinhg me, but I wasn't yet
Tehy removed it and it is gone for ever and now I am struggling in the aftemath. beliveing I did the right thing, but sstruggling.
When I can see I will edit, but this israw and it wil go up
The important things in life
Spirituallity
Love
God
Kindness
Caring
giving
sharing
love
kindness
familoy all of ot exended and blood
generosity
SprirituaLITY I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITH OU IT
love and kindness
LCK OF fEAR
pEACE TO ALL
Ha
I hadlived in houston texas all of my life befoe except for a few months in Va beach. Iwas finsishing coolege and really not knowing what dirsection to go.
e I see unclearly with one eye and not well at all with theother
The friends U met, had come down to Houaton in Persuit of a spiritual community
This is practice right now cau
finding my way blindly on a key board is diffucult, spelling, never strong harder
b ut this experience reminds me of first coming to Stsmford
mu friends were asked to bring their experience with them here and thety asked if I would come
never living away from home and really comfused about direction helped me move.
I would work in my field and got a job qiickly.
but the reason we came disapperaed quickly and we were in Stamford trying to survie.
Sometimes I know it was right, sometimes I wonder, we went ot a beautiful methodist church and were welcolmed until the spiritual pople wanted to convert everyone, then to a congregational church where prety much the samething happened'the pople who claimed the moost spirituLLITY ALWAYS SEED TO DISLIKE THOSE WHO LIVED QUIET LIVES.
Emphasisis a typo???
So we camewup got pushed aound and then got another call.
I think my job at the Health Department happen near the same time as when we got invikved in St Lukes Chapel in the south end. It was a mess, but the E[iscopal church need a small group of dedicated people to turn it in something it was not... a minisstry
Else it would be torn down
Frank Marzullo had ideas and the government had geant and God had his own way with everything
Rene Kahn was happy, the cirty was happy, the poeplein the southend were happier'Even Desond Tutu said it was CT only inner city minisry when he came to visit
We were politly??? asked to give back to the clergy after 7 years, a lot of heart ache, loss ans locve. We gladly did and the Community of St Luk/es ministry become St Luke sociak services with more monry and people then we ever saw.
But is this the way always???
I do not know as I sit in this hosspital room struggling with my new temporary disabilities I wondrt.
I came in couse my Dr found a brain tumor thet was slowly destroyinhg me, but I wasn't yet
Tehy removed it and it is gone for ever and now I am struggling in the aftemath. beliveing I did the right thing, but sstruggling.
When I can see I will edit, but this israw and it wil go up
The important things in life
Spirituallity
Love
God
Kindness
Caring
giving
sharing
love
kindness
familoy all of ot exended and blood
generosity
SprirituaLITY I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITH OU IT
love and kindness
LCK OF fEAR
pEACE TO ALL
Monday, August 4, 2008
The old/new trend in city government – Robots in the work place
In a far away land there lived a society and in the society there were the quars who knew nothing, but ran everything and the mures, who knew everything, but ran nothing.
The quars were for the most part good people who really wanted what was best, but relied on the mures to get things done.
The society was not evil or bad, it merely was and sometimes it was also good.
Rules were created by juers, who sometimes were quars and sometimes were mures, but they were elected and there were a great many elected at a time and they would meet together and form these rules.
There were also ztis, who lived in this society and sometimes they were juers and sometimes they were quars and sometimes they were mures.
Occasionally a mure would take their knowledge and do something very positive with it and the ztis would understand and be happy.
But something happened and slowly the quars became unhappy and because they were the ones who were suppose to made things happen. And resources became streched and then almost non-existent.
Then the mures began to be punished when they did something that help the ztis and the mures became afraid.
Because of this fear there was a strange transformation and the mures would just do exactly as they were told always and they began to change. Slowly the mures stopped thinking and their bodies became hard and metallic. They stopped knowing things and no longer knew anything and everyone suffered!
The ztis would complain to the quars, the quars would complain to the juers and the mures went on their way, not thinking and not feeling, doing only what they were told, no more and no less and the society became unhappy always.Of course this is only fiction, Isn't it???
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Budget Cuts
We had 2 entries in the contest to see what I would post next and the budget issue won.
There has been a lot of talk - supposedly the mayor has asked that current budgets be reduced by 2%.
While 2% does not seem like a lot, as the mayor said when he submitted them in the beginning of the year to the Board of Finance -this is a no fat budget.
So what does cutting a no fat budget mean?
1) People will lose their jobs.
2) service will become worse.
3) overtime will be cut out for after hours events.
4) needed equipment will not be purchased
5) broken equipment will not be repaired
6) Roads will not be fixed
I think you get the picture
Why?
Lots of current reason I can think of, but the real issue goes way back, when Stamford decided that it would be a corporate head quarters for large companies and that is maybe 30 years ago.
The current mayor has nothing to do with that, but has had to play this hand as best as he can.
While this may seem like a good thing because it seems to bring in people to shop in our stores and eat in our restaurants, many commute back from where they really live.
This is one reason Stamford for many years during this hayday was such a ghost town after 5 or 6.
But most of these corporations have their own kitchens, so the people only go out when they want a change, not out of necessity.
We get money back from the State for the tax breaks that they get, but that I don't think is a complete picture and JT or Mr. Stamford can correct my misinformation.
The people who do stay have been the main reason the price of housing went through the roof.
I do not bad mouth people with money, but why would any developer want to make affordable condos for regular peons like me, when they can sell Trump style places for a great deal more profit.
Living wage in Stamford becomes $120,000 for 2 and poverty is under $55,000 for one.
There is a demand for service jobs, but people can't afford to live in Stamford in Legal Housing at $14,000 a year, so they either move to Bridgeport and commute (price of gas anyone?) or they live in substandard illegal housing or crowd themselves into single rooms with their families.
This doesn't help anything except increase the need for more inspectors and after hour visits which I just said are getting cut.
The tax burden because of all of this is on the single family home owner, and so people on fixed incomes who have lived here all their lives have to move out.
The mayor was surprised at how much FD Rich bought the buildings on Summer St for and said that the buildings really need re -evaluation. the implied statement is that the buildings which are being rented for business are undervalued and under taxed. And again the homeowners bear the burden.
We, the home owners, also bear the burden of all the budget cuts.
The mayor has to hold the line, but I have heard that the offer to the largest union in Stamford, whose contract ends next July, is to offer a 1 year continuation, which would be a 3% raise.
so the 2% might be held to try to make up the balance of the 3% when it comes in July.
Of course it might be to pay the mayer and his cabinet the 12% raise that everyone readily gave him when he asked, but I think that was already budgeted.
Talk to me!
There has been a lot of talk - supposedly the mayor has asked that current budgets be reduced by 2%.
While 2% does not seem like a lot, as the mayor said when he submitted them in the beginning of the year to the Board of Finance -this is a no fat budget.
So what does cutting a no fat budget mean?
1) People will lose their jobs.
2) service will become worse.
3) overtime will be cut out for after hours events.
4) needed equipment will not be purchased
5) broken equipment will not be repaired
6) Roads will not be fixed
I think you get the picture
Why?
Lots of current reason I can think of, but the real issue goes way back, when Stamford decided that it would be a corporate head quarters for large companies and that is maybe 30 years ago.
The current mayor has nothing to do with that, but has had to play this hand as best as he can.
While this may seem like a good thing because it seems to bring in people to shop in our stores and eat in our restaurants, many commute back from where they really live.
This is one reason Stamford for many years during this hayday was such a ghost town after 5 or 6.
But most of these corporations have their own kitchens, so the people only go out when they want a change, not out of necessity.
We get money back from the State for the tax breaks that they get, but that I don't think is a complete picture and JT or Mr. Stamford can correct my misinformation.
The people who do stay have been the main reason the price of housing went through the roof.
I do not bad mouth people with money, but why would any developer want to make affordable condos for regular peons like me, when they can sell Trump style places for a great deal more profit.
Living wage in Stamford becomes $120,000 for 2 and poverty is under $55,000 for one.
There is a demand for service jobs, but people can't afford to live in Stamford in Legal Housing at $14,000 a year, so they either move to Bridgeport and commute (price of gas anyone?) or they live in substandard illegal housing or crowd themselves into single rooms with their families.
This doesn't help anything except increase the need for more inspectors and after hour visits which I just said are getting cut.
The tax burden because of all of this is on the single family home owner, and so people on fixed incomes who have lived here all their lives have to move out.
The mayor was surprised at how much FD Rich bought the buildings on Summer St for and said that the buildings really need re -evaluation. the implied statement is that the buildings which are being rented for business are undervalued and under taxed. And again the homeowners bear the burden.
We, the home owners, also bear the burden of all the budget cuts.
The mayor has to hold the line, but I have heard that the offer to the largest union in Stamford, whose contract ends next July, is to offer a 1 year continuation, which would be a 3% raise.
so the 2% might be held to try to make up the balance of the 3% when it comes in July.
Of course it might be to pay the mayer and his cabinet the 12% raise that everyone readily gave him when he asked, but I think that was already budgeted.
Talk to me!
United Way Survey
This is an important Survey to take - for all you people who, live and work in Stamford:
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Friday, August 1, 2008
More interesting musings
I had to step back and think a moment after my last post and I wondered why I was even phased by this whole uproar. Thank you for all your words of support, but there is even more reality going on here and anon got me to think.
First off the things I write about when it comes to health and environmental issues - I am the considered authority in Stamford on the subjects - The USEPA acknowledges it with the beaches, the State of CT acknowledges it for beaches and shellfish testing. They know I go beyond what I am supposed to. Area town and well persons and septic installers rely heavily on my expertise when it comes to tracking down bacteria pollution issue. All calls on bats and rabies get sent to the lab and most of the time me because I know what I am talking about. Insects are brought to me for ID and If I can't do it, I send them to the agricultural experiment station. I am the one who IDs bed bugs and ticks (I do not do the housing code portion of bed bugs). Well water people talk to me. I write the messages about such things on the Labs website. It is my voice talking about beach closures, shellfish bed status, mosquitoes and ticks on the Health Department Hot line.
I am not trying to be arrogant, but I have spent a long time to get as good as I am studying about each of these topics. I have great resources when I don't know the answer.
So for me to feel the least bit squeamish about writing about any of these is beyond ridiculous.
First off the things I write about when it comes to health and environmental issues - I am the considered authority in Stamford on the subjects - The USEPA acknowledges it with the beaches, the State of CT acknowledges it for beaches and shellfish testing. They know I go beyond what I am supposed to. Area town and well persons and septic installers rely heavily on my expertise when it comes to tracking down bacteria pollution issue. All calls on bats and rabies get sent to the lab and most of the time me because I know what I am talking about. Insects are brought to me for ID and If I can't do it, I send them to the agricultural experiment station. I am the one who IDs bed bugs and ticks (I do not do the housing code portion of bed bugs). Well water people talk to me. I write the messages about such things on the Labs website. It is my voice talking about beach closures, shellfish bed status, mosquitoes and ticks on the Health Department Hot line.
I am not trying to be arrogant, but I have spent a long time to get as good as I am studying about each of these topics. I have great resources when I don't know the answer.
So for me to feel the least bit squeamish about writing about any of these is beyond ridiculous.
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