Saturday, January 31, 2009

The last day of the month!

The sun shines,
The birds sing,
The Robin hops,
In the Snow?

What the heck (yes, usually I talk thyis way, why I don't generally use stronger language is mysterious to me)! Yes I saw a Robin on my walk, hopping in the snow. And that was weird. Does it mean that we will have an early spring? Or that it was just a very confused Robin? Any way, I think this post did it. I posted every day for the entire month of January, not that it means much to any one else, but it has been a great outlet as I come to an end of my "Adventure!" The distance glasses are helping, I seem to have at least 3 hours more energy than I did when I was mostly seeing double. I still have to take a nap in the afternoon, but ths is so much better than it was!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Never a dull moment!

I have been told over and over again, I will get better. The people who tell me are my doctors, friends and spiritual people. I had one negative piece from a CNA who talked of her sister, who did not get better and who's eyesight remained double, that frightened me. The others give me hope, but there is still that small voice that keeps saying, "What if it is forever?" It is not that I want this to go on and at times I think there is real change (without the glasses), but there is fear! That fear was personified when i was out last night and the prism fresnel plastic popped out off of the glasses. I did not realize it at first, but knew something was wrong, just couldn,t figure it out. the I noticed that everything was doubled. For a brief moment I was completely fightened thinking that things were going the other way. I took off the glasses, realized one of the plastic coatings were missing and then found it on the ground a few feet away. This was scary, but it did help me know what my fear was and it is over now. So now the question is "when do I get to go back to work?"

Thursday, January 29, 2009

As the keyboard holder falls apart.

Yes, that is what is happening at this moment, a screw fell out and the keyboard is bouncing a bit. The real problem, Is I heard the screw fall out, but can't see it :(! This of course is what does happen during the current part of my adventure, I still have to get used to things. On the other hand, i am thankful at how far I have come. I think all the doctors thought i would be over things by now, but some people with more wisdom have told me 1) I will get better! and 2) it will be a slow road, no quick miracles for m! That's alright, having been exposed to the "magician God" concept that plagues many fundamentalist camps, I think they can keep their concept, I am learning far more this way and thankfulness is a big part of that. My big concerns, I keep dreaming of work. Not bad dreams, just dreams of different people, good and bad, their strangeness and faults and the goodness.

Now just a quick item: some experimentation I have done in the past.
A Rainy Corner Spring in a window

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Watercolors



People say that watercolor as a media is very unforgiving, well this is mostly true because you can not just paint over something, however...
The above illustrations show the changing of the picture as i decide what I have done wrong. There are significant changes and this is how i change a watercolor as I decide where I am going.

boring!

I realize that the blogging of the drudgery of daily life as I try to get better must be incredibly boring to those to come by and read, just think how it must be to me, The change in my life is so incredible that it is very difficult for me to draft. I look forward to these blogging times because it keeps my mind active and there are many things that need to be done and I actually try to fill my day with them. I got to shovel snow today, that was a treat, tiring, but a bit of true physical exertion that was pleasant. Yes, I work out in the morning a minimum of 15 minutes, cycling and other things, but it is not enough and it does make me crazy. I cook, today is my famous chilli that I can actually do right, the right spices (you didn't think I was going to give that away, did you, but it does include a couple of my home grown dried peppers), sauteing that with chopped onions in butter (yes, butter and a whole stick), then Buffalo meat (essential), hamburger, veal and pork (meat loaf mix to you). Sometimes I add ground chicken, sometimes not. Then fire roasted diced peppers (Glen Muir is my favorite) and then a Dos equis. You let that go for 8 + hours and you have my chilli! And yes, it is always best the next day. Sometimes I add a dry red wine to the mix as well, but this is not much effort. By the way if you try this tell me what you think. Oh yea, I guess If have to give up the spices, chili powder ( a cheap brand is fine because you use 2 or 3 tablespoons, cumin (1 tablespoon), fresh cilantro ( to your taste, I use about a half a bunch), paprika for color and salt to taste ( the meat does absorb it so be careful). I serve with sour cream on the side because those peppers from my garden are hot and rice. Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

a walk

I said to may self that I might do more than one post today. There were things on my mind, but I got to bring some of those up in other Stamford blogs. However, did take a walk with the new glasses and it was tougher than I thought it would be. There is enough distortion that I still have to use my cane, but I could walk fast. I did get tired out and will take a nap right after this. Sun glasses may help, because inside things seemed to be good and i am actually writing this with the glasses on (not the reading glasses). Anyway, I can see i still have some raod ahead of me.

Next Steps

In the dim light,
there is clarity,
the day comes with more light,
confusion reigns,
obscurity, confusion, double vision rules,
Ah! The glasses!
clarity returns.

It seems that i have used "Next step' as a title before, maybe many times before, The Adventure is not over! The glasses have their draw backs, I pretty much have to be looking straight at a person to get the best view. With the glasses, I must relearn distance. often i reach for an item and it is further away than I think.
There was more "singleness" this morning, than other mornings, perhaps because of the cloud cover, but I can hope that maybe things are improving.
There is a portion of me that believes I will never be fully independent again, and that portion thinks it may be all for the good.
There is a need for therapy for my eyes, that is scheduled for the beginning of March.
Will I be able to go back to work sooner? I hope so, I actually miss the place and have dreams about it. I also need to do a reality check and let my doctor decide on that course, it is actually considered a "BT, level 2, sentinel lab", something one does not just go waltzing into while there is visual confusion. I get to talk to the doctors soon about this.
I will need to get my visual reflexes checked to see if I can drive again. At this moment, I would not put myself behind the wheel of any vehicle, mostly because of the visual confusion, and all the doctors agree.
One more check by the optometrists at SUNY, scheduled for April, they do not want to let me go.
My blood pressure appears to have stabilized at half the medication i was taking before the operation and I may have found a medicine cause for a lot of the acid reflex, I will talking to the doctor about this soon.
It feels like the pieces are slowly coming together, it has been a long time for me. It has done a lot for my emotional, spiritual heart and reopened my creative side and for all of that I am truly grateful. There is no, "why did this happen to me", going on. I am truly thankful for my life, even if sometimes I am frustrated.


As an aside - I love getting comments on this Adventuresome blog!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Today

We had success at SUNY school of Optometry today, so I have some distance glasses that allow me to see singly. There are issues though, mostly in some ways it is like looking though a fish eye lens, there is some distortion along the edges. This means I have to be really careful climbing stairs. It also means that I need to be careful turning around, it will take a moment for my eyes to adjust. hey told me to take some time to get used to them in a familiar surroundings. I do need a different pair for close work, but things are getting better. They also have scheduled an appointment with their head trauma specialist, mostly to see if there are exercises that I can do to get the eyesight to converge, but that is not until March. I have one more appointment with them in April to see how the double vision has changed, maybe it will be gone by then! I am writing this with the close glasses and my eyes still dilated from the 2 1/2 hours of testing they did again! I think these doctors like me!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

More confusion

It seems the last few days have given me some trouble, yesterday, it was the emotional thing, today, I am more "drunk" (without the drink) that normal. The right side of my brain is not doing its 'thing' lately either and I wonder if there is a connection? Of course, David got the brunt of it, I filled a glass of water from the tap to drink and David appears next to me as I am turning... I am glad it was just water, but it got all over his turtle neck and the floor. I still do not know if I tripped or he startled me, but whatever it was, he and the floor got washed. A few minutes latter, I did stumble almost knocking the Soy Milk container out of his hand. It did not fall or spill, so there was no further mess to clean. Then I realized I was having problems and put a general warning out to everyone else. I tried to do some centering stance (the horse stance for those of you who know) after my exercises (which are on a stationary bike, so no trouble there), but I was swaying a good amount just standing there. My BP was okay, but I think I am nervous about tomorrow, when I go to the City to get those glasses they made for me for regular life (not close-up work). I think they will then take the other glasses for close work and change the prescription so i can see better than 20-50. Yes, I can verify, I am nervous. Keep me in your prayers as i deal with the final portions of this Adventure.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Emotional turbualnce

I generally sleep very well during the night, but last night I woke actually feeling lonely. Dave was back and we took a walk to target yesterday, but the numerous days of being fairly cooped up in the house took a tool on my emotions. Believe it or not there are times I miss the hospital because you have people always looking in on you and it is a strange thing in some ways to miss. In one sense there is no privacy, but you are always being cared for or looked after. I also know that it is not the same for everyone, but I had a very good set of nurses who, at least to me, showed their kind side. In some ways I do think there is a link to my strong, independent spirit, pushing my self to get better and this emotional reaction. I have become more dependent and I do not consider this to be a bad thing, just one I am still adjusting to. Anyway, one more experience for me along the path of my adventure.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I think I will stick to landscapes!

Well I tried, I tried hard also, but what is cooperating with the rest of my life is not going to stretch that far, I can not do portraits! It was fun and frustrating, but I have already senses in my head for landscapes and must bid this experiment good bye. I put up for your critic my poor attempts, one a sketch (the second try), which gave me hope, the other a watercolor (fourth try mind you and no i won't show those earlier ones), which dashed that hope. I will also place the picture of the subject next to attempt so you may compare justly.
I have to say I do enjoy trying to stretch myself to do things I normally can not do, it is one of the reasons I have gotten as far as i have with my recovery. I never could stay stagnant, I had to stretch and push myself. It was always this way, in most things from computers to painting. There are many things I am self taught initially, but would go and seek help with the more advanced items. And of course with therapy They told me to slow down, but I could not be confined for so long, it was too much, so I pushed. Yes, once it landed me back in the hospital, but that was not exactly because I was pushing, it was because something was not functioning the way everyone thought it was supposed to. SO here they are laugh if you want, I did! Then look at the picture in my header and tell me truthfully, I should not be doing portraits.



Thursday, January 22, 2009

New learning

I had some extra things to say yesterday, but the outage caused them not to be posted, but today is a new, different day and I may get back to that stuff. Today is a different day because i learned something, yeah, me. As i have posted, there is this beach closure meeting (US EPA's words, not mine) today at 10:30 Am in the Mayor's conference room. The State beach program and out health department will be there with the mayor and the US EPA. The meeting should be all about how we can stop our beach closures (this previously stated from the US EPA head, Ann Rodney). At first i was all excited about going and then I realized it would not be a good idea. I argued with myself, "Self says I, I am the architect of that policy, I did the research, I know most of the problems and nuances of the huge amount of data we collected." I stopped and decided not to go after that triad. Yes, all that is true, I did do the work and helped formulate and refine the policy, but all I needed to do is stop being a hypocrite and share my info and heart with my boss. Some where in all of this the conflict was that i was not doing a good job sharing everything I knew with others. You see any time I pontificate about how data should be shared and not held so tight, that others can't see it. Well, cause of my self importance, I was not doing that and decided I need to change that attitude, pronto. My boss will be there, who is the other third (we have a fourth person, who is equally as important, but she is the office support person and would not analyze things coming into the lab) of an incredibly knowledgeable and powerful team that makes up the laboratory and I trust that.

On other news, yesterday I saw the gerontologist, who had done an endoscopy 2 weeks previous. The swallowing problems appear to all be related to acid reflux, which is curable with the proper medicine. This was an incredible piece of good news and another piece of the puzzle that has been solved. Onward to Monday and the next 2 hour eye exam!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A Day at home


It is simply amazing what you find when you start cleaning up. I mean really! I have thrown so much away, it is not even funny! This time I found a fun picture of me in 2006 for Halloween (beat up cat in the hat, but you can't see the hat). I also have been responding to someone in blogger land who seems to know a bit about the city, at least they know about the beach meeting, which I will not attend (I really do not want to look like a drunk in front of the USEPA, the pirate look is fine though!). The amount of dust has also been very bad. I am almost in the mood to do another environmental post, since the house has not been conducive to me painting (Eric, the other disabled person we host, tends to kinda take over and plays (or records) music on his laptop fairly loudly, plays video games on the TV, etc...). We believe he is somewhat Autistic, because there are certain areas in life he can function well in and talking to him about issues gets results for maybe one day, things don't quit sink in. otherwise he is very fun to talk to, very knowledgeable, and liberal (he would hate me calling him that cause he believes he is a communist, but that is a different story). Life in my house can be interesting!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Cleaning up



The last couple of pictures that you have seen in the header are some of my older work and why, at one time, i was in demand as a painter. Since my creative juices have been flowing again, I have been trying to do something i never was able to, portraits. So far I am not successful, except for one sketch. the watercolor attempts have not captured the people in a way I wanted to yet. Alsd have been cleaning out my desk and found 2 photos they tore at my heart, one of my recently (last August) deceased white cat and one of my Dad (deceased 12 years). I stopped cleaning after that.

Monday, January 19, 2009

A quiet day

The day is snowy again and I kept it slow, especially yesterday. The joy of seeing singly while wearing my reading glasses, doing things that are within about 3 feet of me was having a side effect. I didn't want to take the glasses off, but when i looked at anything out of focus (4 feet maximum), the distortion was intense and it cause some perceptual difficulties when i tried to just patch one eye. This is not a good thing, so most of today, I just patch an eye and kept my life fairly simple. I mean, I did things like strip my bed and wash my sheets and another load of laundry, shoveled the sidewalk, walked Jake (the Dog), cleaned the kitchen floor and a couple of minor things. I know that doesn't sound like a lot and i rested in between each chore, but it beat being dizzy and it made me feel good that i was able to do that much. Now I am finishing with this blog and finishing cooking dinner (no biggy, pasta with a homemade meat sauce). I think I will sleep just fine tonight.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Problems and outlook

I sway,
left to right,
right to left,
as if drunk,
but haven't consumed a drop!
The world doubles and swirls,
The snow outside hasn't stopped.

Welcome to my world, at this time. It almost seems worse that some times I can see well, because when i can't it is a real pain, but I woke up still thankful for all that i have.
At this point, I often branch out to the amny different things in other peoples lives:
A person I call a brother (but not by blood) in Virginia with significant heart problems and no insurance;
A friend here in Stamford, whose mom is having issues with unresponsive doctors,
Uncool's child with the autoimmune disease,
Manager moms' mom just diagnosed with cancer.
All these people remind me as a Buddhist saying - In this world, there is suffering.
My corollary is problems become what we make of them or they make of us what they are.
No more for today.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Visiting

I got to spend an entire afternoon out at a friends today. It was wonderful, but tiring. They have a larger house than I do so I could only use the glasses occasionally andthat meant i kept my patch most of the time. they wanted to see what my new glasses do though and lo and behold, when they tried them on , they saw double vision! they quickly took the things off and said ' man how can you live that way!' Obviously, I have, but it is exhausting. I keep using that word, but by 3:300, I had to take a nap and by 5:30, I was back home and on the computer, where I can use the glasses again! That is a relief. Too often I feel like a drunk without the booze. Which reminds me, i think I need a drink now.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Another friend


Well my walking companion took off for Vermont for a few days to visit his sister (I think he really likes the cold) and has left me with the joy of walking our Dog in the morning. Jake is a small black Lab/Retriever mix. He only ways about 40 pounds, but he is strong, but also very gentle and sweet. Needless to say, I was exhausted after walking him around the block. I think this will be a big exercise booster for me for the next 5 days. He is very camera shy, but I have managed to get a couple of good pictures. Did I say he is very affectionate? And that he likes to be a lap dog? At this pint he is the only other animal in our home (oops! David, I forgot about your finches and cockatiels) I don't see much of them anyway, as they are in his room. What can I say? Not a thing, they are all taking care of me at this time!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

How I see no lurking!

As you can read, I would rather be here at the computer writing than almost anything else, especially since I get to look at a 'single' image with the glasses on!
The other day was de-lurking day and i thought it was fun, but I really don't care if someone comes through and just browses for a bit and does not comment. However, I would like it if you show your face often, to one: put me on your followers list, just so i know who I might be talking to, I would still talk even if no one was reading (so I am not a exsibitionist, i will strip anyway, watching or not).
Two every so often, when I comment on your own blog, mention me (like Patty did)!
You can even link to me in a blog if you want!
Is this too much of a challenge?

I can not promise whitty one liners, nor a humeerous blog or a new painting everyday, but something will pop up!

struggles and questions

So I begin this post with an issue, it is actually harder to get around after using the new glasses and seeing singly while working on the computer, then taking them off and patching to get around a large area. It is almost like starting new.
This of course creates confusion and makes it a bit harder to walk around (of course today that does not matter with all the snow).
Then, I got informed of a beach closure meeting being held on the 22nd in the mayor's conference room. I would love to go, especially since I am then architect of the beach closure info and reasons on beach closures and probably know every nuance of why.
I do not know if
1) I can get there physically and
2) if I can be in a meeting for 2 1/2 hours without getting totally exhausted.
I am trying to build my strength, but sometimes just going up and down stairs exhausts me. The question is open.

My Heart Jumps up.
excited with a prospect,
my body says no.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

More reflections, life and living

I spoke with some one yesterday who's companion also had a situation where he almost died (saved by a defibrillator). I then had a friend who felt inspired to read me a short story about Freddy the leaf ( metaphorical way of talking about death). I suppose that I was not alone in that for many years, I was terrified to die, 3 situations the last year where I could have died helped me over that hump. Will I say that I am totally not afraid any more? No, but will say that they hurt so much they thought they were going to die, I can say that death does not hurt, living does. Am I perfectly Okay? No, that is where my struggle still is. Some where in the midst of this long Adventure, I have found peace.
Life ebbs and flows,
my peace also,
Wonders never cease.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A Gift

Yesterday, I spent the entire day at SUNY school of optometry in New York. The trip was by train and I had John, the person who co-owns our house with me. We went by train which going down was off peak and very pleasant.
The visit was wonderful, the testing rigorous and, well lets just say the scenery was delicious! Now I am not good at making a lot of jokes when I write long winded things, but I had 2 and 12/2 hours being poured over by 1 student observer, i intern, 2 residents and a doctor. They were all beautiful and they tested my eyes with every test imaginable (to my perception any way). Then they had the Doctor who supervises every thing go over me and their work. There were a few 'end' results, one being that I would need to go back and see them in 2 weeks. The other was to fix my reading glasses (which they will update) with a paste on prism that allows me to see close up (actually about 6 feet), singly. Yes I am now typing this blog using my old pair of glasses without a patch and can see only one image. The last gift was that after all the testing, they had me walk with a pair of test glasses made up to the specifications that they had figured out and had me walk down the hall. I nearly threw my cane away! My halting, hesitating steps became strong and sure and everything was crisp, clear and single. The whole lot of them giggled when they first put the made up test glasses on the and I declared that they were all single, but this time there was no pun intended on my part. They all smiled radiantly as they asked if I could see depth and I looked at each one and was able to clearly each person in normal 3 dimensions. I could truly see what was going on! It never hurts that the first thing that you see after not being able to see clearly is beautiful, or maybe it was that seeing clearly for the first time in 6 months made everything so? I will leave it for the first one for everyones edification.
I then asked the million dollar question, "Will these help me get my brain to function normally and eventually see without the prism effect?: There was no clear answer. Then the head person came in and challenged everyone with an even better question, "Why does he still have double vision?" Because in her eyes, once the pressure was off from the fluid, they should have returned to normal (something I thought also). She then said, "I do not have the answer and that is all of our assignments, to find out why!" So I run into more non-arrogant doctors who want to know the answers to difficult questions, this is very good. After I went up one floor to turn in the prescription for the distance glasses, which will be ready in 2 weeks.
So the bottom line is that right now I can read in single vision, but the reading glasses are 20/40 at this point, so not real clearly. I am waiting for distance glasses, which will allow me to walk without seeing double.
This, of course means you can still call me patch!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Browsing

As I browsed through the blogs, I have been struck with how many of them deal with coping. Coping with ones own illness, a love ones, a new place, the death of someone or thing close. I actually understand. When I first started, I did not post much, but found out it was an okay outlet. When I had my surgery, it became an obsession. Every post (including the environmental ones) has more meaning. I want people to know what I have gone through and I want myself to be able to go back and see what was happening at the time (not in my memory). I want to share the things I find that are important so that they are there for anyone who might need them. In all of this I remember Sergio and how his courage at worked spoke to so many. Now people are telling me that I am inspiring them. This surprised me for I keep thinking that my struggle is my own, but it is not, it is all of ours. And each one of us has struggles to share and help each other.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

reflections

The light streams through the window
clouds, night and snowfall is gone,
The gleaming white reflects
clear!

This was my thought this morning when I woke and reflected on the long road I have been on, some prompted by UNLOADED's post yesterday.
When I first was released to the Van Munching inpatient rehabilitation center after a bit of time in ICU and the regular floors after the initial surgery, I had a hard time doing much of anything. I remembered bits and pieces of the regular hospital stay, but passage of time was confused at best. I could stand, with help and a walker, but had no sense of balance, not internally or externally and was very weak. In a very real way, this was my first lesson in giving up.
I had been physically very strong before the operation and may have been the strongest I had ever been in my life (albeit, overweight also). Growing up I had been very active, bicycling and swimming as the primary exercises for many hours a week. This made my legs and upper torso very strong (leg presses 1200 pounds). I also had practiced Tea Kwon Do/Tung So Do for many years and also had taught it.
As I got older I exercised at home every morning in a routine of stationary cycling and arm and hand exercises and then a few 'Katas' which mostly involved my legs. My outdoor activities would include vigorous walking (for some reason I had no stamina for running), Gardening and stone and brick work (yeah, I know, but they were hobbies and part of landscaping). I think I was pretty proud of my fitness level (except for the weight) and in one day it was all taken away from me.
Even if you did not count the problem I had with the eyesight, I was simply to weak to stand on my own.
I actually did not fight any of this and was told that I was a pleasure to work with (and confirmed by a friend who was a supervisor). It was my first lesson and I embraced it cause I was glad to be alive. I did what i was told to the best of my ability and let them help me in anyway they could.
All of the therapists were great, but 2 particularly stood out, Wendy was one. She worked on my ability first to stand and then to walk and it was hard. At the beginning, as I searched for the ability to stand on my own, I found not one center, but 3 and it confused me. She continued pushing.
Now as a quick aside, my balance was always something I needed to work on because at a very early age,I had damage done to the inner ear and nerve of my left ear, so that area of balance control was missing. I did well, working through that early in my life, but now my vision was not helping me either. Two clear images were being produced in my brain and that made 2 centers, but what was the third? It turns out that the third had to do with time. I had some sort of weird internal clock that would allow me to tell myself when to wake up and I would do it. No alarms. This was missing or off. Slowly this came back and slowly, through the excercises I was being put through, the other 2 'centers' came together, even though I was still seeing 2 images with my eyes. My balance was still off and that did not become mostly corrected till i came home and a home therapist worked with me.
At this point, I do the morning excercises, as I had done in the past, with no problem and even complete the kicking 'Katas' most of the time. It has only been since August since the surgery and December since the one set back.
I will not say that my ability to judge 'location' is really together yet and I still need help at times (especially when I try to put something on the table and miss), but I am extremely thankful for all the help and assistance I have had.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Blue Snow???

Or rather blue salt, anyone know what the stuff in the salt is that makes it blue? I can not get to the lab these days to analyze and don't really have any connections with the office of operations at this time.

Fun stuff

I have now been out of service for 6 months and the other day I get an email that I am being published again! This time it is on the beach closure policy we have in Stamford and I had forgotten it was out there. I think I submitted my last revision over a year ago, so the email confirmation was a surprise. Of course, I post all my bits of environmental wisdom, healthful hints and complaints on my other Blog site Joey K on the Environment. I got to put all my qualifications up and actually surprised myself (I think I still have this image of myself as just getting out of college or something). Anyway, it is out in April and I am pleased.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Surprise!

I had a friend visit me today and it was a pleasant visit, but as i was describing what was going on with my eyes, I took my eye patch off. Of course I saw double, then for a brief moment I saw he singly, then it went back to double, but for that brief moment my heart jumped! There is a constant change so I am really hoping that the 'prism' glass they are talking about will help me bring my mind back together. That happens Monday. I am getting tired of this Adventure!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

First results for the next steps...

Okay, I had my first next step, an endoscopy, today. Not all the results are known, a few biopsies to wait for, but the first bit of info is clear - the esophagus muscles are not doing what they are suppose to do and so I must allow gravity to be the biggest influence when I want to swallow food. There was a little irritation (redness) in the stomach and esophagus, but it was not a real concern. The bad news is that there are no drugs or exercises that can help it get going. This is of course different than the mouth and tongue issues that I initially that exercise help me get past. I have heard the word before and I will again, it means that 'time' is the only answer so I will have to go with this.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Next Steps

This week and next i get to take my next steps to getting better. The first is an endoscopy to find out if there are physical things that are causing my eating difficulties. Since there is a lot of variance, it is possible it is the slow repair of the brain getting its act together, but we have to know for sure. this is Thursday. Next Monday, I get to go to SUNY school of Optometry and get my eyes checked out. This is a big one and I really want some answers for correction here!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I have done it!

It being something StamfordTalk suggested in our first 'blog and grog' night. I moved my environmental posts to a new blog 'Joey K on the Environment' So all of you who want the environmental stuff separated from the cliff-hanging 'Adventure' series can go there to get your environmental fixes. You can also ask questions of me at JKuntz @ snet.net (no spaces). Have Fun

2012?

One of the sites I love to visit is Spaceweather.com, a conglomeration of NASA and earth observations on the sky. It has wonderful photos of various events, Auroras, comets, meteor showers, atmospheric optics and the like. t also keeps a close watch of geomagnetic storms and provides alerts and info. Today's post was concerning an event in 1859, which may affect all of us electronic people. The post:
"SEVERE SPACE WEATHER: The National Academy of Sciences has just released the results of a study entitled Severe Space Weather Events--Understanding Societal and Economic Impacts. The 132-page document examines what might happen to our high-tech modern society in the event of a super solar flare followed by an extreme geomagnetic storm. Such a storm did occur in the year 1859. It electrified telegraph lines, shocking technicians and setting telegraph papers on fire; Northern Lights as far south as Cuba were so bright, you could read a newspaper by their eerie glow.

According to the report, "a contemporary repetition of that event would cause significantly more extensive (and possibly catastrophic) social and economic disruptions." The report warns of widespread failures in telecommunications, electric power, banking and finance, and transportation; even water supplies could be disrupted. The total economic impact in the first year alone could reach $2 trillion--about 15 times greater than the costs of Hurricane Katrina. Depending on damage, full recovery from the solar storm could take 4 to 6 years.

No one knows how often super solar storms occur. We've only seen one like it in the past 200 years. The next one could be another 200 years away--or just 200 days. All the more reason to study space weather!

Now. why 2012? Well that is the predicted next solar maximum!

Therapy

I might call blogging my new therapy, it helps my mind say things that exist only in my heart, usually. Those who I have met (when I knew about, but had not yet embarked on my adventure), those who have responded to my prolific (I think) posting and those who I have read and lifted my spirits by either keeping me in the loop of downtown Stamford or keeping me laughing by your comical adventures (in person, I am a funny guy with dry wit, it just never reaches the written word except for one liners on other blogs). The interesting thing here in blogger land is that I feel like a complete amateur, especially after reading some of the profiles of some of you and just plain reading some of the postings. Lets face it there are a lot of writers, journalist and other professional people out here and I feel my ramblings are just that. At some point I will probably move my environmental info (were it is safe to say I am an expert) to a different blog (and of course there will be no comments on that site). My mobility at getting at an inside scoop of how government is very limited at this point (although I do get some info that would be better not to post). I certainly do not have a scoop on the comings and goings of restaurants anymore from either the Health Department perspective or the management perspective and some of you with real estate connections have much better info.
No this is not a swan song and some point I will be back at work (as soon as I can see straight again), but my adventure has gone on a lot longer than I would have ever dreamed.
So again, I thank all of you for your humor, words of encouragement, useful and useless information and poetry that has made me a better person during this long internment.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Relationships

Funny how a day goes. Went for a walk with David to downtown, stopped at the library and ran into an old friend (Okay truth be told she was someone I wanted to have as a girlfriend, but she was not into it). The greeting was very warm and of course, she noticed a lot of things right away, the patch, the cane, that I lost a lot of weight. The first words were, "O my God, what happened to you? Tell me all about it" Then she says, "You look good, younger!" "So talk to me."
With an invite like that, of course I told her about my adventure. I am all about reconciliation, so I can meet some one who I used to have a relationship with and talk with them completely, it was good. I sent an email earlier to the girl I was seeing in August to try to create the same atmosphere. It worked for me, my heart was clear, but she didn't quite understand, she thought I wanted to get back together, which I would not do. Being confused about a persons intent is not something I want in my life.
So the walk was good, I was physically very tired and my eyes and heart could rest peacefully.

A Bad night

I woke up about 4 Am hearing a cat fight, that just added to my depression that I had been dealing with all day the day before. The eye Thing is FRUSTRATING! It wears me out, but not so my entire body is tired, just my wacky brain. The cat fight reminded me of the 2 companions I lost while I went through my 'Adventure'.
It occurs to me that although everyone knows that I dealt with a tumor, they don't know the story of the surgery.
I can talk about 3 places during this adventure I almost died, but did not. One was that they actually caught the tumor before it grew any more (it was against the brain stem and things could have been really bad a few months later),
The second was during the surgery itself. It started at 8 AM with a lot of signing of paper work and remember signing the one saying I understand that the surgery is risky and could result in death. The removal of the tumor went fine, everything was removed and I was stitched up, but they were not quiet finished when I woke up for a moment hearing someone say in an urgent and 'what's a matter with you kind of voice', "He's not breathing!" I passed back out and woke up a bit later with this plastic thing in my mouth, gagging. I pulled it out. Of course, I did not know what I was doing, they had intibated me so I could breath. They knock me out and reintibated me. This was why I have so much trouble with swallowing (but it has improved, a lot). And I woke yup and it was 6 PM. That began the adventure.
The third was when I fell because there was too little fluid in my brain after they put the shunt in to relieve to much fluid. The shunt did what not one expected or knew could happen, I bacisally lost brain function and in the hospital, my friends said I stopped breathing several times the first night.
I suppose I should not be so frustrated and I am thankful to be alive, but I wanted this adventure to be over! I am ready to live again and enjoy my life. go out and just plain be.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I promise I will...

Eventually get to that 'if your going to buy a home blog', but emotion comes first.
Its my eyes, which have been giving me fits since I started on my adventure in August 2008, they keep changing on me! Today, I am in church and I can read THE FINE PRINT IN THE BULLETIN! I don't remember doing that for a long time, even before the operation. Then it goes away. Then it comes back. No wonder I have been dropping thing off tables and you should see how bad I cut my self shaving. No wait, you really shouldn't see that. With my eyesight improving, then dropping back and punting, it is impossible to judge distance or location or anything else for that matter. Maybe I should get David and go for a walk.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Another Walk

David came with me, of course. i actually begin to understand what David has been deling with all his life. The Brain sees the wrong thing or too many of the same things and holds back some things and pushes others forward. It makes it hard to navigate, in his case, life. But his heart, oh is it good. faithful and enduring. When I have troubles, he does understand, he has been through it his whole life. In the midst of My Adventure, I had a girlfriend leave. Now it was something that had just started last year and I really did not blame her, I was going through too much and sometimes my mind was missing. I went from a caregiver and person who was always providing for others and a very independent person, to one who was very needy. And of course there were times they thought they had or were going to lose me, and I still say is a bit much for anyone to see.
As much as I can still do, I am always in need of another person around me and I would say that this is a spiritual and emotional statement as well as a physical statement. If my eyes confuse me too much, I need someone there who can see and put things back together. Sadly my girlfriend was not able to see, but my dependence is making me a better person.
David and I walked to Target, did a bit of shopping and came back - I was exhausted, but better for getting out of the house and having a friend who could come with me.

A little browsing

I did something insane yesterday when I was in my strange mood of low energy and frustration at not being able to really do anything (yes, a strange combo, but then I am). There are 420 people who have blogged and say they are from Stamford. Now there are a number of Stamfords in the world, but a number of blogs were from Connecticut. An awful lot were Asian, talking of various things that would not be of interest to me (Indian politics, religion, being pregnant and the like), but some were interesting: 'Really?' was a fun read, 'Blah Blog Blah - Thoughts That Don't Matter' actually has a following as a humor blog and one who apparently is following and knows something about the inner workings of the city 'Stamford, the place that works?' Of course, I did not realize that a number of people use this as a free advertisement for thier private buisness and some set-up a blog cause it was a school progect. ow I only went through about half of the 420 and most had one or two posts some time ago and then they stopped, some had no posts at all and I wonder if they were just starting. I Wonder if I had not had my adventure, with the time and the need, would I still post? Other blogs I liked '1000 Wise Women Coffee Chat' and that was another one with a following and 'Cogito Ergo Suma' a person who posts their iPod for sketching (Gad, I think I want one!), but she is good!
See what happens when you have a lot of time, are frustrated as all get out and have a computer?
I promise to review all of them and report back another day.
Oh one thing I will not do. there are a number of teens b logging and I will not be reporting n them.

Friday, January 2, 2009

A low day

Today was a low day, quiet, little energy, so I posted a couple of environmental things, clean a little and cooked a bit. Yesterday, I had so much energy and cooked a turkey for New Years day dinner. Had one person over, besides the other 3 guys and felt really up. I wanted to be out today, but the weather really didn't like me. I am glad I have Greek blood in me (half), cause the decorations stay up till after 3 Kings days (little Christmas). That was a least cheery, but I wanted to do something, but had no direction. I read recently that night owls are more creative and that is what i was, but not now. I will get back there, just getting ready for my next steps.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Still moving

I am still tempted to write an environmental post especially for those of you looking to find homes in the area. I have nothing to sell, but 29 years of environmental work makes me kind of an expert in the field. Okay, THE expert in the field, but not yet.
A quote from on of the blogs of note:
A musician must make music, a painter must paint, a poet must write if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What one can be, one must be.

--Abraham Maslow


Has set me on my blogging path, continuing a diatribe that I started the other day. In me lives the poet (hidden for many years, but it was there), the painter (it is back), the cook (okay, at home chef), the investigator, the scientist, the tinkerer and all the other things that are screaming to burst out and exist. To beauty exists in each thing I now encounter and my expression of them are out of control.
Again I am amazed.