Saturday, January 31, 2009
The last day of the month!
The birds sing,
The Robin hops,
In the Snow?
What the heck (yes, usually I talk thyis way, why I don't generally use stronger language is mysterious to me)! Yes I saw a Robin on my walk, hopping in the snow. And that was weird. Does it mean that we will have an early spring? Or that it was just a very confused Robin? Any way, I think this post did it. I posted every day for the entire month of January, not that it means much to any one else, but it has been a great outlet as I come to an end of my "Adventure!" The distance glasses are helping, I seem to have at least 3 hours more energy than I did when I was mostly seeing double. I still have to take a nap in the afternoon, but ths is so much better than it was!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Never a dull moment!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
As the keyboard holder falls apart.
Now just a quick item: some experimentation I have done in the past.
A Rainy Corner Spring in a window
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Watercolors
People say that watercolor as a media is very unforgiving, well this is mostly true because you can not just paint over something, however...
The above illustrations show the changing of the picture as i decide what I have done wrong. There are significant changes and this is how i change a watercolor as I decide where I am going.
boring!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
a walk
Next Steps
there is clarity,
the day comes with more light,
confusion reigns,
obscurity, confusion, double vision rules,
Ah! The glasses!
clarity returns.
It seems that i have used "Next step' as a title before, maybe many times before, The Adventure is not over! The glasses have their draw backs, I pretty much have to be looking straight at a person to get the best view. With the glasses, I must relearn distance. often i reach for an item and it is further away than I think.
There was more "singleness" this morning, than other mornings, perhaps because of the cloud cover, but I can hope that maybe things are improving.
There is a portion of me that believes I will never be fully independent again, and that portion thinks it may be all for the good.
There is a need for therapy for my eyes, that is scheduled for the beginning of March.
Will I be able to go back to work sooner? I hope so, I actually miss the place and have dreams about it. I also need to do a reality check and let my doctor decide on that course, it is actually considered a "BT, level 2, sentinel lab", something one does not just go waltzing into while there is visual confusion. I get to talk to the doctors soon about this.
I will need to get my visual reflexes checked to see if I can drive again. At this moment, I would not put myself behind the wheel of any vehicle, mostly because of the visual confusion, and all the doctors agree.
One more check by the optometrists at SUNY, scheduled for April, they do not want to let me go.
My blood pressure appears to have stabilized at half the medication i was taking before the operation and I may have found a medicine cause for a lot of the acid reflex, I will talking to the doctor about this soon.
It feels like the pieces are slowly coming together, it has been a long time for me. It has done a lot for my emotional, spiritual heart and reopened my creative side and for all of that I am truly grateful. There is no, "why did this happen to me", going on. I am truly thankful for my life, even if sometimes I am frustrated.
As an aside - I love getting comments on this Adventuresome blog!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Today
Sunday, January 25, 2009
More confusion
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Emotional turbualnce
Friday, January 23, 2009
I think I will stick to landscapes!
I have to say I do enjoy trying to stretch myself to do things I normally can not do, it is one of the reasons I have gotten as far as i have with my recovery. I never could stay stagnant, I had to stretch and push myself. It was always this way, in most things from computers to painting. There are many things I am self taught initially, but would go and seek help with the more advanced items. And of course with therapy They told me to slow down, but I could not be confined for so long, it was too much, so I pushed. Yes, once it landed me back in the hospital, but that was not exactly because I was pushing, it was because something was not functioning the way everyone thought it was supposed to. SO here they are laugh if you want, I did! Then look at the picture in my header and tell me truthfully, I should not be doing portraits.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
New learning
On other news, yesterday I saw the gerontologist, who had done an endoscopy 2 weeks previous. The swallowing problems appear to all be related to acid reflux, which is curable with the proper medicine. This was an incredible piece of good news and another piece of the puzzle that has been solved. Onward to Monday and the next 2 hour eye exam!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A Day at home
It is simply amazing what you find when you start cleaning up. I mean really! I have thrown so much away, it is not even funny! This time I found a fun picture of me in 2006 for Halloween (beat up cat in the hat, but you can't see the hat). I also have been responding to someone in blogger land who seems to know a bit about the city, at least they know about the beach meeting, which I will not attend (I really do not want to look like a drunk in front of the USEPA, the pirate look is fine though!). The amount of dust has also been very bad. I am almost in the mood to do another environmental post, since the house has not been conducive to me painting (Eric, the other disabled person we host, tends to kinda take over and plays (or records) music on his laptop fairly loudly, plays video games on the TV, etc...). We believe he is somewhat Autistic, because there are certain areas in life he can function well in and talking to him about issues gets results for maybe one day, things don't quit sink in. otherwise he is very fun to talk to, very knowledgeable, and liberal (he would hate me calling him that cause he believes he is a communist, but that is a different story). Life in my house can be interesting!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Cleaning up
The last couple of pictures that you have seen in the header are some of my older work and why, at one time, i was in demand as a painter. Since my creative juices have been flowing again, I have been trying to do something i never was able to, portraits. So far I am not successful, except for one sketch. the watercolor attempts have not captured the people in a way I wanted to yet. Alsd have been cleaning out my desk and found 2 photos they tore at my heart, one of my recently (last August) deceased white cat and one of my Dad (deceased 12 years). I stopped cleaning after that.
Monday, January 19, 2009
A quiet day
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Problems and outlook
left to right,
right to left,
as if drunk,
but haven't consumed a drop!
The world doubles and swirls,
The snow outside hasn't stopped.
Welcome to my world, at this time. It almost seems worse that some times I can see well, because when i can't it is a real pain, but I woke up still thankful for all that i have.
At this point, I often branch out to the amny different things in other peoples lives:
A person I call a brother (but not by blood) in Virginia with significant heart problems and no insurance;
A friend here in Stamford, whose mom is having issues with unresponsive doctors,
Uncool's child with the autoimmune disease,
Manager moms' mom just diagnosed with cancer.
All these people remind me as a Buddhist saying - In this world, there is suffering.
My corollary is problems become what we make of them or they make of us what they are.
No more for today.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Visiting
Friday, January 16, 2009
Another friend
Well my walking companion took off for Vermont for a few days to visit his sister (I think he really likes the cold) and has left me with the joy of walking our Dog in the morning. Jake is a small black Lab/Retriever mix. He only ways about 40 pounds, but he is strong, but also very gentle and sweet. Needless to say, I was exhausted after walking him around the block. I think this will be a big exercise booster for me for the next 5 days. He is very camera shy, but I have managed to get a couple of good pictures. Did I say he is very affectionate? And that he likes to be a lap dog? At this pint he is the only other animal in our home (oops! David, I forgot about your finches and cockatiels) I don't see much of them anyway, as they are in his room. What can I say? Not a thing, they are all taking care of me at this time!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
How I see no lurking!
The other day was de-lurking day and i thought it was fun, but I really don't care if someone comes through and just browses for a bit and does not comment. However, I would like it if you show your face often, to one: put me on your followers list, just so i know who I might be talking to, I would still talk even if no one was reading (so I am not a exsibitionist, i will strip anyway, watching or not).
Two every so often, when I comment on your own blog, mention me (like Patty did)!
You can even link to me in a blog if you want!
Is this too much of a challenge?
I can not promise whitty one liners, nor a humeerous blog or a new painting everyday, but something will pop up!
struggles and questions
This of course creates confusion and makes it a bit harder to walk around (of course today that does not matter with all the snow).
Then, I got informed of a beach closure meeting being held on the 22nd in the mayor's conference room. I would love to go, especially since I am then architect of the beach closure info and reasons on beach closures and probably know every nuance of why.
I do not know if
1) I can get there physically and
2) if I can be in a meeting for 2 1/2 hours without getting totally exhausted.
I am trying to build my strength, but sometimes just going up and down stairs exhausts me. The question is open.
My Heart Jumps up.
excited with a prospect,
my body says no.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
More reflections, life and living
Life ebbs and flows,
my peace also,
Wonders never cease.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A Gift
The visit was wonderful, the testing rigorous and, well lets just say the scenery was delicious! Now I am not good at making a lot of jokes when I write long winded things, but I had 2 and 12/2 hours being poured over by 1 student observer, i intern, 2 residents and a doctor. They were all beautiful and they tested my eyes with every test imaginable (to my perception any way). Then they had the Doctor who supervises every thing go over me and their work. There were a few 'end' results, one being that I would need to go back and see them in 2 weeks. The other was to fix my reading glasses (which they will update) with a paste on prism that allows me to see close up (actually about 6 feet), singly. Yes I am now typing this blog using my old pair of glasses without a patch and can see only one image. The last gift was that after all the testing, they had me walk with a pair of test glasses made up to the specifications that they had figured out and had me walk down the hall. I nearly threw my cane away! My halting, hesitating steps became strong and sure and everything was crisp, clear and single. The whole lot of them giggled when they first put the made up test glasses on the and I declared that they were all single, but this time there was no pun intended on my part. They all smiled radiantly as they asked if I could see depth and I looked at each one and was able to clearly each person in normal 3 dimensions. I could truly see what was going on! It never hurts that the first thing that you see after not being able to see clearly is beautiful, or maybe it was that seeing clearly for the first time in 6 months made everything so? I will leave it for the first one for everyones edification.
I then asked the million dollar question, "Will these help me get my brain to function normally and eventually see without the prism effect?: There was no clear answer. Then the head person came in and challenged everyone with an even better question, "Why does he still have double vision?" Because in her eyes, once the pressure was off from the fluid, they should have returned to normal (something I thought also). She then said, "I do not have the answer and that is all of our assignments, to find out why!" So I run into more non-arrogant doctors who want to know the answers to difficult questions, this is very good. After I went up one floor to turn in the prescription for the distance glasses, which will be ready in 2 weeks.
So the bottom line is that right now I can read in single vision, but the reading glasses are 20/40 at this point, so not real clearly. I am waiting for distance glasses, which will allow me to walk without seeing double.
This, of course means you can still call me patch!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Browsing
Sunday, January 11, 2009
reflections
clouds, night and snowfall is gone,
The gleaming white reflects
clear!
This was my thought this morning when I woke and reflected on the long road I have been on, some prompted by UNLOADED's post yesterday.
When I first was released to the Van Munching inpatient rehabilitation center after a bit of time in ICU and the regular floors after the initial surgery, I had a hard time doing much of anything. I remembered bits and pieces of the regular hospital stay, but passage of time was confused at best. I could stand, with help and a walker, but had no sense of balance, not internally or externally and was very weak. In a very real way, this was my first lesson in giving up.
I had been physically very strong before the operation and may have been the strongest I had ever been in my life (albeit, overweight also). Growing up I had been very active, bicycling and swimming as the primary exercises for many hours a week. This made my legs and upper torso very strong (leg presses 1200 pounds). I also had practiced Tea Kwon Do/Tung So Do for many years and also had taught it.
As I got older I exercised at home every morning in a routine of stationary cycling and arm and hand exercises and then a few 'Katas' which mostly involved my legs. My outdoor activities would include vigorous walking (for some reason I had no stamina for running), Gardening and stone and brick work (yeah, I know, but they were hobbies and part of landscaping). I think I was pretty proud of my fitness level (except for the weight) and in one day it was all taken away from me.
Even if you did not count the problem I had with the eyesight, I was simply to weak to stand on my own.
I actually did not fight any of this and was told that I was a pleasure to work with (and confirmed by a friend who was a supervisor). It was my first lesson and I embraced it cause I was glad to be alive. I did what i was told to the best of my ability and let them help me in anyway they could.
All of the therapists were great, but 2 particularly stood out, Wendy was one. She worked on my ability first to stand and then to walk and it was hard. At the beginning, as I searched for the ability to stand on my own, I found not one center, but 3 and it confused me. She continued pushing.
Now as a quick aside, my balance was always something I needed to work on because at a very early age,I had damage done to the inner ear and nerve of my left ear, so that area of balance control was missing. I did well, working through that early in my life, but now my vision was not helping me either. Two clear images were being produced in my brain and that made 2 centers, but what was the third? It turns out that the third had to do with time. I had some sort of weird internal clock that would allow me to tell myself when to wake up and I would do it. No alarms. This was missing or off. Slowly this came back and slowly, through the excercises I was being put through, the other 2 'centers' came together, even though I was still seeing 2 images with my eyes. My balance was still off and that did not become mostly corrected till i came home and a home therapist worked with me.
At this point, I do the morning excercises, as I had done in the past, with no problem and even complete the kicking 'Katas' most of the time. It has only been since August since the surgery and December since the one set back.
I will not say that my ability to judge 'location' is really together yet and I still need help at times (especially when I try to put something on the table and miss), but I am extremely thankful for all the help and assistance I have had.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Blue Snow???
Fun stuff
Friday, January 9, 2009
Surprise!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
First results for the next steps...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Next Steps
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I have done it!
2012?
"SEVERE SPACE WEATHER: The National Academy of Sciences has just released the results of a study entitled Severe Space Weather Events--Understanding Societal and Economic Impacts. The 132-page document examines what might happen to our high-tech modern society in the event of a super solar flare followed by an extreme geomagnetic storm. Such a storm did occur in the year 1859. It electrified telegraph lines, shocking technicians and setting telegraph papers on fire; Northern Lights as far south as Cuba were so bright, you could read a newspaper by their eerie glow.
According to the report, "a contemporary repetition of that event would cause significantly more extensive (and possibly catastrophic) social and economic disruptions." The report warns of widespread failures in telecommunications, electric power, banking and finance, and transportation; even water supplies could be disrupted. The total economic impact in the first year alone could reach $2 trillion--about 15 times greater than the costs of Hurricane Katrina. Depending on damage, full recovery from the solar storm could take 4 to 6 years.
No one knows how often super solar storms occur. We've only seen one like it in the past 200 years. The next one could be another 200 years away--or just 200 days. All the more reason to study space weather!
Now. why 2012? Well that is the predicted next solar maximum!
Therapy
No this is not a swan song and some point I will be back at work (as soon as I can see straight again), but my adventure has gone on a lot longer than I would have ever dreamed.
So again, I thank all of you for your humor, words of encouragement, useful and useless information and poetry that has made me a better person during this long internment.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Relationships
With an invite like that, of course I told her about my adventure. I am all about reconciliation, so I can meet some one who I used to have a relationship with and talk with them completely, it was good. I sent an email earlier to the girl I was seeing in August to try to create the same atmosphere. It worked for me, my heart was clear, but she didn't quite understand, she thought I wanted to get back together, which I would not do. Being confused about a persons intent is not something I want in my life.
So the walk was good, I was physically very tired and my eyes and heart could rest peacefully.
A Bad night
It occurs to me that although everyone knows that I dealt with a tumor, they don't know the story of the surgery.
I can talk about 3 places during this adventure I almost died, but did not. One was that they actually caught the tumor before it grew any more (it was against the brain stem and things could have been really bad a few months later),
The second was during the surgery itself. It started at 8 AM with a lot of signing of paper work and remember signing the one saying I understand that the surgery is risky and could result in death. The removal of the tumor went fine, everything was removed and I was stitched up, but they were not quiet finished when I woke up for a moment hearing someone say in an urgent and 'what's a matter with you kind of voice', "He's not breathing!" I passed back out and woke up a bit later with this plastic thing in my mouth, gagging. I pulled it out. Of course, I did not know what I was doing, they had intibated me so I could breath. They knock me out and reintibated me. This was why I have so much trouble with swallowing (but it has improved, a lot). And I woke yup and it was 6 PM. That began the adventure.
The third was when I fell because there was too little fluid in my brain after they put the shunt in to relieve to much fluid. The shunt did what not one expected or knew could happen, I bacisally lost brain function and in the hospital, my friends said I stopped breathing several times the first night.
I suppose I should not be so frustrated and I am thankful to be alive, but I wanted this adventure to be over! I am ready to live again and enjoy my life. go out and just plain be.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I promise I will...
Its my eyes, which have been giving me fits since I started on my adventure in August 2008, they keep changing on me! Today, I am in church and I can read THE FINE PRINT IN THE BULLETIN! I don't remember doing that for a long time, even before the operation. Then it goes away. Then it comes back. No wonder I have been dropping thing off tables and you should see how bad I cut my self shaving. No wait, you really shouldn't see that. With my eyesight improving, then dropping back and punting, it is impossible to judge distance or location or anything else for that matter. Maybe I should get David and go for a walk.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Another Walk
As much as I can still do, I am always in need of another person around me and I would say that this is a spiritual and emotional statement as well as a physical statement. If my eyes confuse me too much, I need someone there who can see and put things back together. Sadly my girlfriend was not able to see, but my dependence is making me a better person.
David and I walked to Target, did a bit of shopping and came back - I was exhausted, but better for getting out of the house and having a friend who could come with me.
A little browsing
See what happens when you have a lot of time, are frustrated as all get out and have a computer?
I promise to review all of them and report back another day.
Oh one thing I will not do. there are a number of teens b logging and I will not be reporting n them.
Friday, January 2, 2009
A low day
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Still moving
A quote from on of the blogs of note:
A musician must make music, a painter must paint, a poet must write if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What one can be, one must be.
--Abraham Maslow
Has set me on my blogging path, continuing a diatribe that I started the other day. In me lives the poet (hidden for many years, but it was there), the painter (it is back), the cook (okay, at home chef), the investigator, the scientist, the tinkerer and all the other things that are screaming to burst out and exist. To beauty exists in each thing I now encounter and my expression of them are out of control.
Again I am amazed.