I can blame Ricardo for this one

Actually, there is nothing in my blogs that is not true, but pull me out of a closet, I will say 10 Honest things about myself, that you might not know.
1) I am not a big sports fan, but I like, of all teams, the Astros. Not Strange since my origins are from Houston.
2) I never did drugs (except caffeine) or even tried a cigarette.
3) As a geek, I wrote all the database programs that the lab uses for everyday stuff.
4) Chemistry was my first love and knew I was going to do it in my Sophomore year of High school.
5) I love to garden, that and making wine would be my choice for a life after work.
6) I have never been married. I came close once, to the wrong person.
7) In that light, I have had several dear loves of my life. The 2 closest ones died of illnesses before any thing permanent happened.
8) I do live in spiritual Community, which at this point is scattered over 2 states, but hope fully we will all get to be together in Virginia in the near future.
9) as my posts indicate, I also love to paint as an artist, but I do not seem to be limited to the canvas because I will create walk ways and stone works and gardens which I think are every bit the same as creating on a canvas.
10) I used to help out my friend, who now works developing music for hotels and restaurants, when he did straight edge raves and I loved it. Still like the music (techno, trance, trip hop). At these events I set up special effects, lights, lasers, smoke etc.. all was great fun.

And the verdict is in!

Drum roll please!

My household consist of 3 "meat and potatoes" kind of guys.
One is Mental ill, one is a bit slow and the other has issues with any thing new, so what was I trying to do?
Get myself killed?
Hung?
Shot?
Strangled?
Chased out into the back yard and forbidden to use the kitchen ever again?
No. actually the guys are really great, that accept that i prepare very good meals for them and experiment a lot.
The Chicken livers, cooked with bacon and onions and served with rice and salad was a huge hit with requests for more of it other days.
Next time I think I will make it in a Cajun "dirty rice" manner.
The Tofu? No one at the table has had Tofu they liked.
I prepared it with sesame oil and toasted sesame oil, sesame seeds, ginger, Scallions (thanks to my Italian neighbor), celery, 2 bags of oriental frozen vegetables, a can of black beans and some left over Lawry's Sesame/ginger marinade.
The Tofu was not a meat substitute, but rather something to get all the flavors of what I had in the pot.
I served it with plain white rice.
I am writing this, so none of the above horrors occurred.
We did not order pizza.
There was nothing left of the dinner, they ate it, enjoyed it and went back for seconds.
Wow!

Thanks for all the suggestions.
The Tofu

Back to Stamford

I have not left and returned, but instead of me posting more drivel of my trial and tribulations with my "Adventure", i figured to do a post on something that caused a lot of controversy, the Mill River park.
The issue with the Cherry trees is over, the ones that are going to be cut down and the ones that are left are beautiful and look right for a beginning.
For those of you who miss Cherry trees, take a walk one block to the west on Schuler Ave, in front of Sacred Heart Church and viola, you have Cherry trees of about the same age as those that were on the banks of the Mill River.
They are in full bloom and are really nice.
Pictures to prove it.


Now I disliked the Mill River for many reasons that have nothing to do with all the reasons that the Park is being re-done.
I considered this part of the Mill River a cesspool and I have the bacteria tests to prove it!
I thought it stank and was not healthy for anyone.
I thought it was the poorest way to allow drainage water to leave Stamford and go into the Sound.
The one beach that it empties in front of, has been closed for lots of reasons, and one of those was an extremely variable bacteria count that made it impossible to determine if it was ever safe to swim in.
Changing the concrete barriers to a natural river bank will do a great deal to change that.
Removing the dam will make it flow, which means fewer mosquitoes and that is a good thing.

Dangerous!

No, I am not talking about swine flu or anything else of that matter here,
but I am talking about very dangerous experiments.

Experiments no one should rely try...ever!

I will performing them 2 days ... at home!

The outcome is uncertain.

As I have not even seen these experiments performed or seen the results,

it raises the risk!

I have failed at these kinds of experiments when I was doing okay,

we had to eat pizza that night.

Yes, I am going to try to cook something I have not even tasted. They are on opposite sides of food types and will be interesting.

I was told the way to cook chicken livers is with onions and bacon.
That is for tonight.
There will be plenty of rice and salad if it fails.

Tomorrow, I try Tofu.
There is not back-up plan if it fails.

I plan to use a toasted sesame oil, seeds, celery and a medley of Oriental style vegetable to perform this feat. if I get some mushrooms it will be good.
Rice will be served also.

God have mercy on my household.

You might have noticed...

Lately that I have been a bit down at times. It is not that I do not believe that this saga will come to an end, a happy end. It is just that it feels like it is taking a long time.
For what ever else I can say about me that is consistent in my life is that I am a fighter. Some times in the wrong way, mostly for others, but no one can say that knows me well I will not go down without a fight.
Even with all the difficulties with vision, swallowing and energy, I just will not stop.
Some how i do not think it is a bad thing.
I look for places of encouragement, i find it often. I will claim to be on a spiritual journey, but will not claim to be much more than on a journey.
I enjoy people who are encouraging, and in that i enjoyed Joel Olsten's Night of Hope last night at Yankee Stadium.
Even when I am complaining or being difficult or discouraged, I know I have a lot to be thankful for.
I will reiterate, mostly for my own benefit.
I am thankful I am alive (those 3 chances to die did NOT occur).
And am thankful that the blasted tumor is gone. It affected an awful lot of me that it is not doing any more.
I can see, albeit, not well, but I can still help others with my knowledge.
My mind is really even sharper than ever and has made connections that I never say before.
My heart is softer and not quit so brash.
I can accept people for who they are better and if they are in my life I can just enjoy them and not try to figure out why they are there.
The last 4, I can blame squarely on this adventure of healing that i have been through for the last 8 months.
I actually feel I can appreciate the people in my life better and pretty much can not stand the bullshit that was going on with me before.
Any way I really can be thankful for all of this.

I am not painting, people!

Or am I?
That is a question because after i recover from working I end up painting an accent wall or a front door...the kind of spring clean-up things that need to happen.
Before that I started to tackle a large painting for me 2' x 3' water color of an early morning on the farm. It is started and details are being added, slowly. The strange activity in my eyes is actually hindering me. Things cross and fade and get confused now (are they getting better?).
I have some pictures but i can not find them at this time.
ny way, I have been busy painting, just not on a canvas.

Still up and down

I find it amazing the amount of emotions that i am going through, some very down in the mouth, other very hopeful. I do not know what to expect from myself at any given moment and what will set off what. Reading the various blogs lifted me very nicely. Think about the optometrist appointment has be a bit worried. Talking with a person who is the "gateway" to the sick bank made me a bit despaired. Getting tired by 1 Pm and having to go home, gets me frustrated and a bit down. Swaying while I move around, gets me upset. Talking with my various friends soothes me and gives me hope.
The roller coaster is real.

Working fo the City

I had some one read the comments for the letters to the editor about the board of fiances anti 3% thing.
If I told you that I am surprised at the animosity I heard in the remarks, would you be surprised?
I have worked for the City of Stamford for almost 30 years, I have worked in large and small corporations and independent labs as well. I did well in the big oil company, but it was not my thing. I did not do well with the secrecy and disregard for consumers health in the small corporation. i was down right disgusted with the lies and falsifications in the independent lab.
I came to work for the city because i thought I might make a difference. I was right. In the 30 years that i have worked I think I have managed to help over half the population in one way or another, through tick testing or lead screening or rabies testing or water analysis or forensic testing or screening for bio terrorist agents or just giving oput freely the mass of information i have accumulated over these 30 years on any number of topics.. Some times I can not help, most of the times I can.
I didn't take the job for the money, but at the time the money was okay even compared to offers I had from other corporations in the area.
I did not take the job for the benefits, but as everyone reading this blog knows, I needed and am using those benefits during a very difficult time.
I work as a chemist, but my title is a lab technician. The work I do would get me at least 20 K more a year in the private sector, but i would not be happy and it would not help people the way i do now.
Could I do with out a 3% increase this July, yes, but i also make on the high end of the scale for the union that I am in. I do have a problem with the issue that it seems to be a pissing contest between the Board of Representatives and the Board of Finance and I do have a problem with the way people talk about people who work for the city as if they are less than nothing.
Most of us live here to.

Back to the mundane!

I had an interesting day.
It started with me forgetting my cane!
I was have way to work when I had a bit of a disorientation and realized I did not have my cane in hand!
It was kind of strange because on normal flat surfaces I usually do not need it at all and inside there are enough things to grab on to that it isn't needed either, but the walk is not flat.
However it is familiar and I decided I would do the rest of the distance without it and there were NO incidences. I was a bit unnerved about going home because I am tired , but came home just fine, but was very tired. Still I will call this a good progress, even though it meant my mind is scattered (what else is new?)!
At work found another place to clean up (will it never end?!) and finally made the last of the adjustment the Journal of Environmental Health wanted for my paper submission, which will be in August, front cover.
Of course when I get home for no good reason the lenses in my glasses decided they wanted to pop out. I got them in, but John had to do the adjustments so it would not happen again.
Guess I am very lucky to have people who care around me.

Rain/ sleet/ snow?

Yes it is late April and we have quite a mix of precipitation out there.
I worked till 1 and a friend drove me home. I found out that get sick bank time might be more difficult than I wanted it to be since I am down to about 6 days and still can not work full time by any stretch of the imagination.
My Reiki Friend is undergoing a wonderful transformation herself and it is wonderful being around her.
My spirits are better, though my eyes still drive me batty. I get to go to New York, Monday to see what the doctors at SUNY optometry have to say.
So all in all not a bad day.

Easter again

I love celebrating and because I am half Greek (the other half is French making me, yes, a Freak!), I get to celebrate 2 Easters!
The orthodox Christians use an 'older' calculation for Easter, so it does not often fall on the same Sunday, but that is just fine by me, I get to celebrate twice!
Going through this week was actually difficult because for my adventure with my eye was getting me pretty down. Feeling i really couldn't do much of anything because my eyeglasses are not helping me so i am seeing double even with them on.
Is this a good thing? It might well be. I could be having this trouble because they are getting better, but it actually hard to tell and that can get me irritated, depressed, angry and i want to strike out.
So what do I do, well I invite 8 more people for a fairly traditional Greek Easter dinner and that is added to the 4 of us who live here.
Greeks cook lamb and I was traditional, garlic, mint and lemon. You punch holes in the lamb and fill them with garlic, rub the meat with dry mint (from my garden) and the soak it in lemon juice. Add a little salt and let it sit. Then after it soaks a while you cook it slowly at about 275 for a number of hours (4) and then turn up the heat to 350 for the last hour. I cheated on the potatoes (bought them frozen and seasoned at Target and they were very good). Green beans with Olive oil and oregano worked as a green and finally butter/honey baby carrots.
Two of the children couldn't come so we had 10 and everyone said it was good and I liked it. In this case, i did all the preperation and all the set up of the table etc...
I get to rest often while doing thing so it was not to tiring and every one was happy.
Okay so maybe I am not so useless after all.

Springs coming, remembering Winter

This is something I posted on my header for a while and it is one of my favorite paintings.
I was working for a friend in an eclectic Antique and shop and some one brought a water color in that struck me. It was from one of the early American watercolorists, but I do not remember the name. The picture sold, but not before I had captured it during one of the slow times (and updated it as well).
I can lay the blame squarely on Mysteries by Jeanette for this post.

An afternoon in the life of a neighborhood

I sit on our porch.
It is the only open porch on the street, all the others have been converted to "rooms".
The sun shines warmly on my arms , the wind is cool on my face. I wear a flannel shirt, unbuttoned and rolled up my arms. It feels good.
There is a dove cooing on the line, there are children from the neighborhood playing out in the street. This street is safe for children, it is short, looks like a dead end, but isn't and is very narrow.
Cars cannot go fast, even if they wanted to.
The children play and laugh. A parent comes out and checks on them, everything is fine, The children continue paying and laughing.
It is a mixed group, Latin, polish, Jamaican, Haitian, Anglo.
There are more than 5 languages spoken on the street. The kids communicate in English.
They laugh.
There are Italian, Anglo, Polish, Haitian, American Blacks, Jamaicans, people from Trinidad and from various Latin countries.
There are renters and owners living together.
Their children play together.

The children are all laughing and playing together.
The kids pass me and all say hi. They always say hi and I always say hi back. They are nice, respectful and ready to engage any adult in conversation. Sometimes they ask for help with things they can't do themselves. I try when I can.
They are still laughing and playing.
A parent scurries off to a second job.
The street is two way, but usually only one car can really pass at a time. there is parking only on one side. The temperature is in they upper 50's, the sun is shinning strongly, the wind is gentle.
The Forsythia are bright yellow in the garden in front of my house.
The children are still laughing and playing.
The sun has gotten warm. It is peaceful and beautiful. I am tired from a full part time day of work.
This is a Stamford mixed neighborhood!
There are not many left.
This is what this town should be like.

Reflections, again. I do it a lot!

Didn't feel like posting yesterday, but felt fine. Today was a must.
I remember at the beginning, before the operation, being afraid of death.
I don't know if i am not afraid any more or if it just does not matter anymore.
I do know I am no longer afraid of living.
Having almost died 3 times within the adventure, I found that each experience was not that big a deal.
I do not like being so dependent on others (not being able to drive is a pain, especially in Stamford), they have enough on their plate.
I know I was always too timid in many ways. Now I find myself speaking my mind easily.
I am still careful about others, I find being kind easier.
stayed til 2 Pm at work, i realized that i am putting in almost a full day ( 7 hours, I am doing 6) and that I am enjoying it when i am busy, busy.
I am taking on certification testing now and will have a state/federal inspection soon.
This all keeps me going.

Random thoughts on a Monday

Well the weekend was good, but I was tired, often. There is a lot of activity/pain/throbbing in the back of my head and it feels like the nerves that were not feeling anything are coming to life - slowly.
The slow part gets me frustrated. the pain is not much, but gets me tired. The throbbing is fine at least I feel something.
Everyone making a fuss over me, making sure i am okay sometimes gets me irritated, but that is their concern, they do not want to see me again like I was in December.

The meal for the shelter was fine - I did the sauce and the meatballs and the pasta, Dave and John did the lettuce and heavy carrying and cleaning up. We brought the meal over, 4 pans of a sauce (excuse me, I mean Gravy) that would make my Italian friends' mother proud, with spaghetti and meatballs. 2 pans of a reasonable salad, bread, butter, cookies (next time I will do fruit), ice cream sundae cups. I was told you can buy meatballs at Costco, but I know mine were better. Anyway all that was food for 45 + people who only get that meal for the day. It was good. I was exhausted.

Work today was fun. I got to talk to a pediatrician who likes to keep up with Lyme issues. Everything i said could be supported by research from the medical community, the research labs testing the ticks and/ or the CDC. That was good also.

The weekend

Kindness gives birth to kindness
Love gives birth to Love
Hate has a way of coming back and biting us in the ass
and fear paralyzes

So the right side of my brain started with me this morning and so I thought about the amazing kindness that has been shown me through this adventure and i am in awe.
Wednesday I had my friend, who is a reiki master, come over for dinner. She is very comfortable being with the four of us guys and I enjoy being able to share my cooking skills off to her. She is a vegetarian and so when I invite her over, it is a night with no meat. Now for the other 3 guys, this is a bit difficult, so I have to do a really good job in being creative. I do not believe in fake meat, if I am eating vegetables and not meat, that is what I am eating (no turkey shaped tofu).
This meal I went Mexican, especially since in those really poor villages, meat is a luxury reserved for festive occasions. Apparently my enchiladas were a big hit with every one.
Then she did a session with me, which is basically a laying on of hands for healing and it was very powerful. There has activity and feeling in the back of my head since and improvement in the separation of the 2 images I see.
Tomorrow, us four guys are serving down at Pacific house. There will be close to 60 people for whom this is their meal of the day. The Lutheran church gave us guidelines that I have modified and hopefully when I finish pitting it together, anyone would want what I cook, not just those who are hungry.
The changes are from spaghetti with meat sauce to spaghetti with meatballs and a Bolognese sauce (I am going to try anyway). We also bought cheese for the pasta that wasn't in the guideline)
A salad with iceberg lettuce, cucumber, carrots and celery. Since Iceberg is more common, I will keep some, but it has no nutritional value, so I will add Romaine.
They wanted plain ice cream cups, but we found ice cream sundae cups.
A little packet of jelly beans and chocolate eggs will be there also.
Italian bread, butter and cookies we did not change.
Hopefully it will turn out okay and everyone will like it.
I wanted to add fruit, but we backed away from it for now. Maybe for a future time.

Back to the archives

Soundbounder reminded me a something I did more than 10 years back for a friend who was dying of AIDS.
It is a painting of a lighthouse on the Maryland shore that I visited with her grandfather the year i gave it to her.
When she died she asked that I have it back to remember her by.

An old Painting

The painting is from over 30 years ago when I was in West Virginia on a Job with a private Environmental Company testing at a coal to coke processing plant. I did not have a camera, so I painted or sketched. The sketchbook is misplaced, but I have 2 paintings. This one was as the spring started coming after we had been there for more than 3 months in the winter. It is a bit faded, but it captured the beauty in my heart seeing green again.

I forgot... the reason for this post...
Cogito Ergo Suma's blog. It reminded me of my starts in (for e) West Virginia, for her it is Alexandria, Virginia.

Girl Friends

Okay, I will admit to having 2 girlfriends who live in Stamford.

They do not drive and so do not own a car. I get to see the every weekend and they are always Very affectionate with me.
They are sisters, in their late twenties and besides the fact they love on me every time I see them, they are very different from each other.
One girlfriend has this beautiful brown hair and beautiful piercing eyes.
She is quick to lend a hand and quicker to snuggle.
She is not the jealous type at all and does not care who else is in my life. She will always greet me with a quick little kiss, but really wants me to massage her back, from the shoulders to her butt.
Her sister is very jealous, has beautiful black hair, warm brown eyes and will greet me very warmly with a full body hug and wet sloppy kisses.
She will push her sister out of the way if she thinks I am not giving her enough attention or will go sulking to her bed.
Then I have to go and make it up to her.





Meet my girlfriends, I have no complaints...

Chi Chi Licorice

twenty something dog years!
...

ups and downs

Seems that I have been going through a lot of that lately. There is a reason.
A good one.
Apparent;y at this time, having the glasses on is creating distortion, enough to get me confused, 3 zero's in a row look like 2, 8 look like 6 etc.
This is a good sign, it means the prism is at this moment, too strong. This intern means that my double vision is leaving, slowly.
The number of typos as I post is amazingly bad. my hands are not in the right place (I never learned the system and that is part of the problem, I use my eyes).
Unfortunately the distortion effects my mood, I get depressed, anxious, upset, despairing, frustrated. I am not a good person to be around at this time.
This part of the Adventure is a struggle and I think the worst is coming. Then it will be better.

Frustration, complaining

Some times I feel I am complaining, some times I know I am! Last night everything kind of crashed down on me, the frustration, the dependence, the blahs and did I mention frustration? I have a short list of things to do, but if it takes a car or my eyes wig out, I am stuck. This even includes any thoughts of dating at this point and I have 2 (yes, I said 2) very kind women who have been helping me at times and have been true friends, that i would love to go further. One lives in NY, the other doesn't have a car.
I find my energy level after using my eyes even the half day to be incredibly low. It even makes going to the bank after difficult (I can walk that).
Yesterday, while making up standards for a test I was running, I "saw" the standard solution as 10 mg/L. When I added reagents, everything was much, much darker than it should have been. The solution was actually 100 mg/L. Now in one way that is a good thing, the glasses were pushing things together too much and that means that the eyesight is improving, but it makes it hard to work and really puts a strain on the eyes. It also creates more work when i have to redo everything.
I am trying to refinance my condo and looking at the paper work was a chore. I hope I filled it out okay.
I have to replace the battery in my UPS device. I have to buy it first. I do not know that I can do it.
The list actually goes on and on and on.
Ugh!
If I ever implied this was a cake walk, I was mistaken. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a positive attitude and some times, I fail.
Just as what is a normal example of the cascade effect... get a letter that a card has been compromised. This means I have to change certain automatic payment, first is successful, the second shows why the card was compromised, easy pass. They only required a 4 digit authentication, period. Try to fix that, they did, then try to get into my account. can not. After 2 tries, I run a snooper and sure enough, there is a DNS (denial of service) attack going on. JEEZE, I wish I did not know so much.
And that my friends adds to the frustration.

Before the adventure

It is funny how stirring up memories goes, one comes up and then another and then another. Yesterday thinking about the tumor made me remember that things actually started about this time when a crazy doctor (no names here) was all worried about my PSA, there was a lot of confusion in his presentation and ended up seemingly had me make the diagnosis. I know that sounds strange, but he started he a slightly elevated PSA tested and said, well there are other things that could cause this and proceeded to list them, an infection, an enlargement of the prostate or cancer. Now the presentation kind of freaked me so I go for the exam - prostrate was normal, then a two eek course of antibiotics and another blood test, the level actually went up a bit. I was freaked, that in my mind left one option. The Doctor said he had to do a biopsy and I scheduled one. In the meantime, I talked with every one I knew who had this procedure (an also had a problem) and they said it was no big deal, it really would not hurt. I also talked to my regular doctor who reassured me that if it was (and he was by no means certain as the other doctor seemed to be), this was very treatable and I should not be overly anxious. I went to the test and contrary to every thing I had heard, it hurt like particular hell and was glad I did not go back to work. It was ok and there was no cancer and I decided I would never return to this doctor again.
This was the second major item that happened before the real issue occurred. And they all happened in 2008.
Things do seem to happen in 3's.

Reflections

It has almost been 8 months since I started on my adventure, but really it has been a bit more because it started when I found out about the Tumor in July. Actually July 3rd. I know I had no idea what I was headed into. At that time I was actually too afraid of dying from the thing and actually kind of froze in my mind and heart. It was just before the operation that I loosened up and was not longer petrified. It is a good thing because what the operation was like was not fun at all. I still barely talked about it before the operation and definitely not on this blog. I remember having to sign something which said I agreed to the procedure and the procedure could result in my death. I remember waking up after they sewed me up, but before I should have with the doctor saying in a very loud voice "He's NOT breathing people!" Then I faded to unconsciousness, woke up gagging with plastic tubes in my mouth and I pulled them all out (That is Why the swallowing problem!). The poor Nurse practitioner trying to convince me not to cough while the anesthesiologist drugged me one more rime. I woke and it was late, 6 PM, I had gone in at 7 in the morning. My body hurt, my head did not, there was no feeling back there at all. I was taken to ICU which I remember only vaguely.
This of course is why it has taken so long. It took me until a few months ago to view the Cat scan they made of the tumor, it was large, 2 or 3 inches across, but it is no more. It no long threatens my life. It is gone!

Low Wednesday

That appears to be a pattern, in my up and down cycle that I have been on since entering this adventure, today was no exception. My eyes felt like they were swimming, so I became tired quickly, my emotional struggles on how I am doing are exactly that, struggles. Sometime I feel good, almost elated, other times almost a a despair point. I have no explanation of either, there is activity and progress, but is so slow as to be virtually unperceivable by me.
At work, I had fun with statistics showing that children 6 and under are more likely to be bit in the head area by a tick, where for everyone, the legs are the main point with arms and head following.
This happened cause someone asked a question. That happens, a question prompts curiosity, which gets me working on one of our databases. Still I am tired and will rest some more.