A day for memories

In Connecticut, it does not get this beautiful at the end of November.
The Sun was bright and strong.
A cool (not cold) wind whipped by and
for a moment I was transported to another time and place.
Houston taking a "Hunting walk" with my Dad near the Addick's reservoir.
I never was able to shoot the birds that we hunted, but the time with my Dad was well remembered and very pleasant.
I have been wondering about my posts from last year and there are not a lot of them, many do not make sense except that I was in recovery, hoping to get my eyesight back.
I seem to remember the time as a dark funnel, where I could only see a bit and everything was a struggle.
I still struggle, this latest bout with the flu showed me my energy is not yet where it might be (will it ever?) and that I did push too hard.
I am backing off now and there again is improvement in the vision in the morning.
I definitely have more stamina and that makes me feel good.
I do not think anyone could have told me this would go on so long.
I reexamined the MRI of the Tumor, it was not small 3.9 (maybe 4.2) cm x 7.7 cm.
It still is scary looking to me.
The last push at work has made me worry that I might have to write another paper, not to put a feather in my cap, but to warn people about what we found in the old farm land in North Stamford. That is also scary, but maybe needed.
I am going outside now and enjoy the rest of this gorgeous day.

And my Experiment?

I mean my Thanksgiving meal - Very delicious, but I could have used more than the single pound of pumpkin butter.
For the first time, the turkey breast was not dry at all and all the flavors came through.
I did something I had heard about and since I had parsley from my garden this winter (first winter in CT -ever having my own parsley), I chopped it p and put it between the skin and the bird with the pumpkin butter and some salt and maple syrup. It all worked.
The stuffing was left out of the bird, with only a few thing put in there for flavor - apples onions, pumpkin butter and fennel.
The fennel worked well with everything (because it is very mild compared to celery)and there was not a strong liquorish flavor.
Corn pudding came out well also,
Carrots, like wise.
There was one sad thing, I had gotten over the flu (yes the H1N1, remember?), but a secondary infection started and so I am on antibiotics mow. The flu was the least of my worries, I have know that I am not so recovered that my system is at its peak and this was just opportunistic.
We caught it early since both my doctor and I had been on the look out for it.
I will be fine, but more days of rest and that is not all bad.

Smells, oh the smells!

Yes I have begun cooking again.
The turkey is prepared and ready to go at 9 AM.
The Stuffing has been made, but it will be outside the turkey.
The turkey has the pumpkin bitter, sage and on the inside fennel, onion and the pumpkin butter.
An old trick has been employed (for those of you who do not eat pork, it is bacon, sorry) wrapped over the turkey to ensure moistness.
The house smells, well, wonderful!
Happy thanksgiving to all!

Paths

What was once clear, has become cloudy and unclear.
The straight well marked path, has become rocky and is no longer clearly marked.
All these things take time.
I was unaware how important I was and the numerous obstacles that my work would place in my path for me to leave.
Even being out sick with this flu, they were looking for me.
It seems funny, in a comical way, but there is much more to life than work and those things are becoming clearer.
This is also funny, because the constant coughing left my vision and balance a true mess and at best, I could stay in bed away from everyone else.
I do feel a bit better, but my doctor was clear, if you are still coughing (which I am) Stay home.
I am becoming obedient.

Well yes still sick

I have had this for really 3 days, but because of the eyesight I am having more difficulty getting around.
No I am not going in to infect co-workers, one I think got a dose from her nephew and so I have no part in it.
H1N1 - yes and since I am 55, unless I get a secondary infection, I should be better sometime tomorrow.
My doctor does not want me to go in until I am symptom free and that might make it Monday.
An unplanned time off.
So to all the people in blogland who have brightened my day, a very special Thank you.

Cough, Cough, Hack, Hack - you guessed it!

My normal course of hacking and coughing while eating or drinking has been replaced by a much more constant coughing.
I was kind of waiting for this, I have been exposed to many people in the past 2 weeks with the same thing and while other health professional officially can not say much, this is the H1N1 influenza Novel.
Because of Stamford's policy of concentrating on young children or people with young children (and I will say I think they are the most vulnerable and should be first), I have not been able to get my shot (though we have many, many doses).
I was fairly sure I would get it, but i am actually not very concerned. For me and my age group, it will probably last only a few days, not weeks and I am still fairly functional.
The really difficult part is that the mucous being created by immune system, hits the tickle spot in my throat and thus the coughing.
I have a fever (slight) and so I consider my self contagious and am using Purell, hot water and bleach in large quantities and will not cook tonight, at all (heck the way I feel, I might not even eat).
Now the awful question is, and this shows my terrible deviousness at times), will I go into work and infect my co-workers who have sworn that they will never get a vaccine, just because?
I do not know yet, it depends how I feel and if that devilish side of me is active tomorrow.
This will only last a couple of days (and this is day 2 of being contagious) and I do not worry.
There is an advantage of this coughing because of a tickle spot, none of the mucous has a chance to get to my lungs and so I do not think I will have to worry about secondary infections.
I will call my doctor in the morning and see if he has any other concerns for me.
Also further preparation for Thanksgiving is postponed until I am not infectious.
As always, it is the children I worry about with this disease.

More thoughts on the Turkey cooking

Well a beautiful Day in CT and the week that was is over. I think i caused trouble today and it was busy most of the week, but it is over and now i have a weekend.
I have decide where I am going with my Thanksgiving tastes and it looks like we have a number of people over, so I can not cook too much, cause others will bring things as well.
I am going to center things around my own creation, pumpkin butter.
During grilling season, I used a "mint" butter for corn, which was a wonderful twist and so Pumpkin butter is a good variation.
The stuffing, partially cooked and hot before it goes into the bird (that is a health secret!) will be composed of celery, onion, salt and a sage seasoning (bell's) as the "savory" components. It will have cranberries, apples, orange zest and walnuts as a fruit and nut portion. Egg, toasted bread (croutons of an unknown type cause I still am thinking about it) and pumpkin butter will hold it together. Savory, sweet, fruity and nutty and those flavors do blend together.
The pumpkin butter?
Butter and pumpkin melted and blended together with at least nutmeg and a touch of brown sugar, then strained. I could add allspice, ginger and cinnamon (making it pumpkin pie spice) but I may hold off on those others because I do not know if I want all that flavor.
The turkey will have a sage and butter rub between the skin and the meat and the pumpkin butter on top (or visa versa, depending if I want the meat savory or sweet).
My mind and taste buds are getting excited.
I cook cranberry sauce tonight and prepare the pumpkin butter!

lessons

It was a strange and difficult day today with many things happening at once.
I had the opportunity to observe some of my closest friends handle the same kind of day and there was a lot to learn.
As many things were happening at once, they took time to be gracious, despite phones ringing and people coming at them from all sides.
You knew that you being there was important, to them. they did not brush me off because they were too busy.
I was trying to think how I handled things and in the chaos of being so busy, I am not sure, but I think I was showing a least some of those qualities and that is good and very important.
One asked permission to ask me a question, she did not have too, she is in that place in my life that she is allowed to say or ask anything of me. And that was graciousness and I was blessed.
I had reports for the other, that actually gives her more work, but despite having phones ringing and other people dropping others things on her desk, she motioned for me to stay to ask how I was doing. that was intense.
In the middleo f mindless bureaucrats, it is nice to know that there are others who care.

Thinking Thanksgiving

As some one who really enjoys cooking, I have started to think how i want to do the feast this year.
I do not think I will have anyone over except the 3 guys I live with, but that is okay, I will take whatever I can. if others show up, there will be food.
One of the things I really enjoy is the blending of flavors, fruit, nut and meat and I have not decided how I will proceed.
There will be turkey,stuffing and always cranberries (that I make), but I do not know how I will put it together.
Cranberries I like to make with orange flavors with it. Will I add walnuts? Maybe, I have not decided.
The Turkey, will I go traditional, Bell;s seasoning, or try something else?
The stuffing is always a truly fun thing - always celery and some form of bread, but then do I go with sausage and walnuts and raisins with a sage type spice? Or something else, I am undecided.
I have already decided to do one thing I have not done before - corn pudding.
Will I do a yam dish? Unknown.
Salad? Probably.
I have some young fresh fennel in the garden, which I will use, along with flat leaf parsley they will be used.

I know I will send some things over to a friend, who remains at best "gun shy" (having been mistreated and taken advantage of), she will not come over and that is okay.

Will anyone else come over? Anyone in the area? You will be welcomed.

Dessert will be bought, I am not a baker and we have a fabulous bakery down the street.

Last year Thanksgiving, I do not remember except that I could not cook and was some how instructing John on what to do. It was very Traditional in flavor and composition and I was not able to eat much of it.
This year is different.

Why?

who are oppressed?
Why does a smile mean so much to me?
Why will I speak my mind and not back down, when I am right?
Why do I search for some one in need, where just a smile cheers them?
Why do I tackle every question with my full attention?
Why do I look for kindness from people?
Why do I cry at happy endings?
Why do I fight for people?
Why do I believe you must look carefully and find out as much as possible, instead of saying I do not want to know?
These are defining questions of me.

Back to recovery!

For long months I have delayed this because I felt the lives of 200 or more people to be worth more than a few months of my progress.
The price was high because not only did my eyes not improve over the extra hours and work, they became worse. More stagnant, the vision more doubled.
Last week put an end to it all and this last weekend I for the first time had a full weekend off.
The samples came in, but I needed to nothing because as far as I could see, my portion of the work was done.
The worst of the effected houses had city water to the foundation (for city work, this is amazing) and now the rest of the environmental community (scientist) have begun saying what I have all along, that the stuff was not from the dump. Oh the dump still needs to be cleaned up and that is a work in progress, so my task has been completed and even more so, I have raised awareness of something that has effected many millions of home owners on wells in past agricultural areas.
Did i say millions? Yes, the environmental agencies have had there beliefs rocked by this little side track and realize that we have done terrible things to ourselves.
Knowledge is essential for change.
It was not only the move from the extra days, it was restricting my hours.
I am no longer trying to "push" it.
I work till I feel it is time to finish and I leave.
Then my friend, the Reiki Master gave me a session on my birthday that was very helpful.
Then my friends gave me money to go to a Massage therapist who worked on the tension i had stored.
Everything became looser.

One weekend off and I wake up in the morning and my test "screen" is slowly coming together without the glasses.
Progress is slow, but it is progress with the images not far apart like they were before, during those months of much work.
Last night, I went out to eat and for the first time in a year and a half, with the glasses, things were single at a distance. I used to get 30 feet at best.
Was the wait worth it?
Yes!
Is the recovery make me feeling better?
Yes!
Ah back to the adventure!

Beauty

I awoke early, as usual and
felt unseen arms hold on to me,
caressing my head and face.
I am very lucky to have persons who care so deeply for me, I thought,
for it was not one, but several.
Each with their hearts caring for me.

I have sent pieces of my heart out
to most of those I meet.
Some hide the piece
and pretend they never had it.
Other grasp for more,
to take it all is what they want.
Others still crunch it between their heel,
for any thought is unwelcome.

Then there are those who treasure it,
and i return send a piece of their heart back.
Those are the ones I woke up to this morning.
It was beautiful.

Maybe one day I will wake up and
they will not be invisible.

The wind blew today,
but the leaves of many colors stayed strong.
many were gone,
but many more hung on.
In their brilliant show,
yellows, ocher, orange and red.
They are beautiful.

Soon these will pass,
but for now they are beautiful.

Varied Offerings at 55 words

With much going on, today we have varied offerings.

A photo which captures what my vision sees.


(Ducks that David is raising).

Neighborhood children playing together.


(All shapes, sizes and ages!)

More Autumn colors.



Odd situations at work, with me becoming the person who is willing to talk to people about water issues.
Very Amazing.

Dreams

There has been so much maneuvering, conflict and just plain things happening at work that it has invaded my dreams.
I am the only vocal person as far as the true cause of the problem (it really is not the dump, I promise) in the wells we have been testing, but at the same time I support the city doing as much as possible for the homeowners who find themselves in this difficult situation.
As sporadic tests from homes far away from the dump, with many homes without pesticides between are found, the powers that be are looking for a way out.
I am not sure I want to give them that way out because I was the only voice who said it was provable, but others challenged my credentials and my statements and now are needing to reexamine what i said.
Many have said quietly that it is not the dump and (fortunately, these are people not in power) gone on to say it is the homeowners problem. Those are the attitudes i can not stand.

The other is examining the various moves my own boss has made to my actions, as far as my Doctor's recommendations and the possibility that I would leave.
They are both compassionate and making a statement at the same time.
The loss of overtime does not bather me because the overtime I have worked for has gotten me in a decent position financially.
The loss of the work has me overjoyed and I am looking forward to having weekends again.
I do work about how the sampling will go, the collectors are not always with it and make some critical mistakes, but my coworker is unwilling to come in in my stead, so it is what it is.
All of this has created a bit of anxiety and thus the dreams, all dealing with the situations in various ways and scenarios.
I have to say I hope things begin to resolve and a Monday meeting coming up may help immensely.
I the meantime, for what ever reason, i am laughing and that above all else is a good thing.

A game of Chess

When I was younger, i loved to play chess and it helped that i was good at it.
I had a neighbor who was book learned in chess and played in tournaments,
I played for fun and did not study anything except the allowed moves.
I would regularly beat him.
I thought it was some kind of fluke, he was really into it and just enjoyed the game, so I would play others and would win way more than I lost.
I played a nationally ranked player when I was on vacation and we basically tied (1-1-1).
This is not about my ability to play chess, but I find myself in another chess game with work.
Some times it is a cat and mouse game, some times it is a game of strategy.
The other side has all the power pieces, but I seem to be making them squirm.
Today i delivered the letter from my doctor to my boss and found him squirming.
The bottom line is that they will try to do without the verification tests at this time and i do not need to come in on the week ends.
If any one challenges the tests to see if they were collected correctly or were kept at the proper temperature, there is no validation as of today and that is fine with me.
The reality was stated, "We need you here during the week and can not afford you to have a day off in the middle of the week, We will try this and see if they (the collectors of the samples) get it right."
I am leaving by 1 or 1:15 at the latest.
I feel better and I am laughing at the whole system.
Being civil service, there are limitations to what can happen.
There is a new administration coming in which is inheriting the actions taken to correct the problems found and is also frightened of the enormity of it, so much so that the political appointed position of "head of operations" (read public works here) will in all likelihood, remain on until the situation is resolved.
That gives more more bargaining power.
What is it i would really like?
The remain on in a part time capacity directing the work that the lab needs to do in the environmental area.
The easiest way for this to be accomplished?
To be allowed to retire in a disabled capacity (meaning I keep medical benefits) and be rehired in a supervisory capacity at 19 hours a week.
It has been done before and I am looking for the chance for it to happen again.
Meanwhile, the games go on and I, I am laughing!

It was a beautiful day to be thankful

I took today off as well, Sunday and Monday and then we get Wednesday as a holiday.
It was a mild day.
Although I woke up at 6, as usual, I did not get up out of bed till 8, except for a brief moment when my friend who sometimes gives me a ride stopped by at 7:30. It was still nice to see her beautiful face smiling as I told her today i was off.
The rest of the day when without plan and I kept doing different things and then taking it easy.
it was warm and sunny (and yes, I did some more on the floor also).
No painting. It was too nice outside and i do not feel can manage things on an easel with wind blowing around.
We ate leftovers from the party, since I over produced (not unusual for me) and I do not think i have to cook for the rest of the week.
The people who needed to be at the party were, the others were not there and it was ok, everyone has things going on.
Hope everyone else had a good weekend and a happy Monday.

It is Sunday

I woke up feeling like a kid on Christmas. went out side and thought; "this is such a beautiful day, perfect for finishing the floor...may be i should cancel the party? "
Of course not a chance would i do such a thing.
What I did do is finish my Hors D'Oeuvres plate, crackers with fresh basil (my own), olive oil, and fresh mozzarella cheese.I have a salad to make and 2 things to cook, salmon and the beef cubes.
The cooking will start just before 2 PM, which is a bit before everyone comes.
The salad, I will do soon.
This for me is not a birthday party, even though the date is synchronous, it is I survived to see 55 years after a very frightening and harrowing year (I think that those two words describe my emotions well).
I am not out of the woods yet, but I have survived and done so gaining more inner strength and in reality, I am not letting my work run over me (they seem to be trying very hard to do that).
I have also received my "official" letter from my doctor describing in detail the issues i am having, mostly with vision. She says this can occur for some time and make take more than a year to resolve.
I also was able to look up the kind of tumor which i had (a subependymoma) and discovered many interesting things concerning my recovery, most of which I have experienced and found to be somewhat dismaying.
Knowledge is helpful and in this case it brings me more peace and it helps those around me also.
They stress that recovery can take a number of years!
That puts a lot in perspective and is letting me relax a bit.
It also makes the amount that I am able to do, to say the very least amazing and remarkable.
I always wondered why the health care providers looked at me like I had 2 heads when I told them I was back to work.
It makes me laugh, it gives me joy. and i can be thankful for all of this!

Strange stuff

This morning, I was feeling okay and thought that would be a simple post. Maybe about the party on Sunday, maybe about the cold weather we are having and the beginning of the end of this beautiful season we call fall.
But no, having given a month and a half request that samples be brought in on Saturday and not Sunday, I am dismayed to be told they were coming in on Sunday.
I fought back and no one could say much about it. Either they would be rescheduled for Saturday or they would not be done at all.
Will it work, tomorrow may tell, but I am unsure.
If the samples are collected on Sunday, I will go in late, ti invalidate them and dump them and that was my threat and promise.
It is something I can do because each time I go in, I do a variety of tests that validates, temperature, possible treatment, time and storage. they are invalid without that.
I left at 1:15 PM with no assurance about anything, but it really did not mater to me.
Some where, some time, some way they are going to learn.

Hell hath no fury like a chemist scorned?

The day started rough.
It was the eyes, of course, not focusing well through the glasses.
This has been occurring off and on for a week and then came today.
A lot of early interruptions made the little bit of work to finish difficult.
Then came the interesting part.
One of the people in another Department comes rushing in saying that they need to change a message on the machine and can not figure out how to do it from their phone.
No biggy, but I am with someone, they still can not figure it out and say they will come back.
Okay, this person gets paid more than me, is not dealing with eye problems, but I am just kind of perplexed.
They come back, I am in the middle of an analysis, they try again and I am telling them the instructions. They can not get it right, they blow up and say something to the effect of , "Why can't some one help me!" They storm out.
At this point, I am bemused.
My boss steps in, defending this person. i do not like that, he doesn't defend me.
He comes back a few minutes latter and asks if I will change the message. It is a simple thing, so just give me the message to put on the hotline.
More time passes and it finally comes, it takes me 2 seconds and it is done.
The person comes in a bit later and apologizes. I tell them to just ask.
1:30 PM, my eyes have had enough, I tell my boss I am going home. A person appears with a sample.
My boss calls me to help the person and then disappears.
I have to set up several tests and run them before I can leave. I am literally feeling my way through the tests, I have done these tests a million times and so it is second nature. I finish and am leaving and my boss reappears. I do not say anything. I am furious. I will be off tomorrow and that is a good thing.
I can guarantee, they have no clue....

Halloween is over, all Saints day is here

We had a good turn out last night, close to forty, which is good for our neighborhood.
All the children I know plus a few I did not.
I have almost no candy left over and that is also good.
Of course, I worked yesterday and do not today. That makes it a true holiday.
I get to rest and review the letter I just received from my doctor outlining the issues I am dealing with.
It is long, technical and pulls no punches.
Last night I had 2 monsters stay over, well not really monsters till this morning, before that they were my girlfriends.
They left me alone till this morning, when they decided it was time to play!
So much for sleeping in.
I am calmer than I have been, the wind has died down and so has my spirit.
I am acutely aware of how much emotion exists in my life now. It does not rule, but it is in every movement and thought.
See what removing a tumor can do?
I am going to sit out on the porch and enjoy quietness while i can.