I almost walked out the door without my glasses on today

No, really.
It was not because i was confused,
but because i have been doing things mornings without them.
It is not because i am seeing singly again,
because although there is interesting improvement, i still see double.
It is because i have learned how to mostly work around the 2 images and do things anyway.
I make mistakes, like i took out 3 cans of clams and three of crab for my linguine and clam sauce tonight (i corrected it when i came home),
but they are not critical.
Of course, now i am home, i am exhausted from a very busy and intense week,
i survived.
This morning it was chilly,
now it is summer and i love it!
I have songs still to sing in my heart,
they will be coming shortly.
i am fine, tho tired.
It is Friday!

Cold

Today is a typical New England Spring - cold!
I do not like it, my plants do not like it, but it will all go back to the warm spring we have been having tomorrow!

The Cherry trees,

 losing their blossoms in the wind,

creating a blanket of pink,

covering on the ground.

Swirling in the wind and passing cars,

like a soft powdery snow.

Picture!

I do not know how to embed a movie clip, but will post if I can.

Puzzles

Abstract logic, etc... that is what they said i was good at when they did the tests in grade school.  Despite a teacher who said i would never amount to anything in math or sciences, i frustrated my algebra teachers by intuitively knowing the final answer when asked to solve complex algebraic equations.
This is good, because with what i see now, everything is a puzzle to be solved on the fly....is that a bus coming don the road that i must catch? or is it an SUV?
Little pieces of confused pictures come to my mind and i come to a conclusion, yes no or wait till it gets closer.
Is that a step or a shadow?  That is an important one, but with double vision, depth perception is gone and i must look for other clues.
I do not always get it correct and so i have fallen, but rarely.
Watering eyes, running nose from extreme allergies make like just that much harder.
Strange vision, coupled with hearing from only one ear (from childhood) make my sense of where a noise is located difficult at best, yet, I have not been hit by a car crossing the street!
Maybe because i take the most secure timing to do so, but in this town, with our self important drivers, nothing is ever safe.
So work is also a puzzle and peoples reactions are also a puzzle.  I do not understand my boss.
I can have compassion like never before on people who are facing serious issues, environmentally.
The product is everything is even more of a puzzle than ever!

Drunken

That is what the pollen is doing to me this year, worse than ever.
Eyes are watering and burning, nose dripping.
Can i complain?  Yes,but it is an early spring, i have new plants in the ground and they are doing well.
No, i did not plant tomatoes, but my neighbor did and they are NOT dying!
Everything is coming out at once and so my eyes blur and i stumble around.
What did i do?
I made drunken mushrooms (marinated in port wine and cooked down with a bit of tequila),
drunken Mexican hamburgers (with tequila again and chili powder and cayenne pepper and cinnamon) and that when with a pasta and cheese with chili and cilantro and the cinnamon and several cheeses) and a regular salad.
So at least i had a reason last night!
I slept well.

back to the trenches!

What am i to say, spring is warmer than usual and all the pollen is out.
So my eyes tear and my nose runs.
Now we have rain and it clears the air and i can breath again.
I am more tired than i want to be.
I want to do more than i can.
I get frustrated.
In the past week i have heard many times that people can not believe how well i am doing.
There are times i have a hard time believing it.
So it is off the mountain top again and in the trenches.
I think this is life...
Up, down, never constant always changing.
I am beginning to get used to it.

a statement of questions

Why.

A Statement, not a question.

A word of concern,
or of fear,
or of loss.
We make it a statement when we do not wish and answer,
only assurance that we are on the right path,
that we are not misunderstood,
that we have not cross over some imagined or real line.

i make that statement often....

i fear that i tread in waters to deep for me often

and that is WHY !

Just a post

Well I have now written over 500 posts on this blog.  i forgot the 500th posting, but it was a bit ago.
I have no idea why that is important, but it is.
i have used it to go back and look at where i have come from, what i have gone through because that was why i posted.   figured if i wrote down as much as i could i might understand all that has happened,
My present is the sum of my past, but i will not say i understand it.
It has been a very emotional and trying time and a lot has changed deep inside and i will not begin to say i understand any of it.
But it has been a journey and of that i am sure.

True to form, when we have someone in the Health Directors position who has interest, there is more work, but it makes work more enjoyable.
It also means that i am tired at the end of the day and it takes time to get my energy back.
For some reason, my cooking skills have improved.
And yes, slowly, very slowly, my sight is getting better.
Posting is not as essential for my health as rest is and that seems to be what i do most.
Tomorrow, the muse may strike me hard and there will but a series of similes and metaphors for you all to read, but today, it is just a plain jane post, my apologies to jane.

Everyone was on "happy" pills?

I remember when...

the trees were blooming 

and i did not see them.

I remember when...

the flowers smell beautifully 

and i did not see them.

I remember when...

there was a cool breeze...

but there was no smile on my face.

Toady, that is not so,

I see the trees blooming,

and smell the blooming flowers,

and feel the wind on my face,

caressing it softly like a lovers touch

and i smile.

Today, I though everyone took happy pills.

It has been a very busy 2 days at the lab and lots of things have been accomplished and many new directions made.

When i left, i was tired, but glad.

On leaving, on the side walk were two men, just laughing and carrying on in a very jovial way.

They were not drunk or high, i smiled.

Further down a man was being encouraged while riding his wobbly bicycle, by another, who may have been a bit tipsy, i smiled

Strangers were saying hi, which in this town is unusual and  i immediately responded back.

It was a good walk back. 

lessons

Some days we go down...

in order to find which way is up.

We forget what is important ...

to find out what is really important.

We become confused and confusing to the people around us...

to find those that really matter.

We all go through it,
this does not change.

We can ignore it,

laugh at it,

mock it,

it still comes

and we learn.

New days

It seems i am coming out of darkness,
the fog has gone,
the sun is shining,
there is peace in my heart.

no major thing has happened,

just wieghts have been lifted

and my spirit sings...

What happens?

What happens when ...

the people we most depend on;
for love,
for assistance,
for protection,
are gone?

What happens when ...

those who brought us joy,
and happiness,
and thought provoking insight,
are missing from our lives?

What happens when...

those who chasten us,
and corrected our paths
and showed us new ways
are no longer there to guide us?

We go on...



i told you the muse was going wild!

Challenges and adventures

Saturday mornings, i challenge myself.
For the first hour or so, i do not wear my glasses and do a number of "chores";
like washing my sheets, setting up the simple pills i take for the week and general things.
It is not hard, now, but it is a process of learning with 2 of everything in front of your face.
Today will be a fun day because in the afternoon, i will go with the shellfish commission to the oyster farm in Norwalk,

I am hoping they give out samples.....

quiet time

The Thunder rolls distantly 

and the sounds of rain fall softly

on my garden rinsing it gentle,

preparing the seeds I have planted

and those i have yet to plant for growth.

The heart of a friend is more desirable than the gaze of a lover,

for two bodies may not reach the depths that two souls may,

intertwined in this path that is life,

sharing the joys and lessons of life.

The lessons we learn

are not about others, 

they are only about ourselves.

Others have their own lessons to learn. 

Joys shared are twice the joy.

Pains and burdens shared are half the weight.

The muse is deep tonight,

I do not think i shall slumber...

Pieces of life:

You thought the muse was missing?
Just too much of it! 

we meet and share the journey of souls through this life.

no, she is not a girlfriend.

This is far better.

To share to joys,

the sorrows,

the struggles of this life

as we seek to grow still closer to God.

Jewel was right only Kindness matters,
the rest is just garbage.

She is missing,

but it is okay, she has found some peace,

which in this life is rare.

A smile,

a laugh.

The joys of a greeting,

that is beauty!

The Buddhist missed something;
there is not only now,
for now is the composition of the past and
the path for the future.

To laugh at me,

my foibles,

my struggles,

my mistakes 

what better thing in life than that!

Cool and dreary,

is not so bad as a break

from bright sunshine and warmth!

Disasters with spice tops again and spots before my eyes

It happened again, but I recovered.
A top fell off a spice i was trying to shake into a meal preparation.
Not salt this time, but coarse black pepper.
mountains of it in what was to be meatballs.
I removed as much as i could, prepared a sweet (with port wine) brown sauce to go with the egg noodles and had spicy (maybe a bit too much, but not bad) meatballs.
Everyone enjoyed????
They have actually become very accustom to my creativity in the kitchen and i am bemused that they expect it (except when i buy pizza)!
Oh, the spots, you ask?
After getting new prism inserts for my glasses, the cloudiness  (of yellowing plastic) was gone, but my eyesight was not what i felt they should be.
A friend commented last night that the glasses were full of spots!
The plastic prisms had not adhered properly to the glass and there were many "air bubbles".
Go over to the sink and with soap and hot water, fixed that!
It is amazing how much sight affects our outlook on life!.

The "City" visit

One icendent before i got there.
Stopped to drop off a letter my friend double stopped in front of the mail box in front of the post office.
As i got out, with my cane, to drop the letter, a well dressed woman blocked my way and almost opushed me over.
I did not say antthing.
She proceeded to get into het shinney white Lexus and bang her can door into my friend.
By the way, she was in a handicapped spot.
Attitude, entitlement and riches.  . not for me.
So guy, clean the floors saw me struggle getting out of the elevator and made sure  i got out okay.
Hmmmm...
The visit:
well they affirmed that i do not have glaucoma and that there is improvement and gave me new prisms, but not at a reduced strength.  just in case they said.
Other wise the hour long visit was worth it.  The walk is always filled with the smells and sounds of a big city which i actually enjoy.

Not a perfect day, but a good one.

Dreams and delusions and things that do not really make sense

Last night i dreamed i ate at a seafood restaurant that was terrible - no idea what that meant.  It was not that the food was bad, what I had of it (some breaded mushrooms), but the plates were the size of glass coasters and i could never get to the food on the table before it was taken away or some how i was prevented for getting it.
The delusion as i wait to see to the doctor, some self reflection -
In my heart I want to make as many wrongs that i can right,  I want to save "the world", but i know i can not.
I also want to be saved from all the horribleness i see around me, the suffering i see and feel.

The one thing the Buddhists have  right for sure -"in this world there is suffering".  I have a hard time with it existing.

No i do not really make sense and yes i am full of contradictions.

I will call this going too deep...

random news

I have not been doing a lot of blogging lately, some is simple interference by the weather, it is too beautiful to stay inside.
Other - I have been more tired and doing more, which my or may not make sense.
I have finished with one set of doctors - they said i needed to rest my shoulder now for it to get better.
I have been hearing that a lot lately, rest.
And I have had to.
Today I go to the eye doctor and am a bit anxious to hear what she has to say.
there are things i need her to do.
My life does seem to be on a precipice and i am trying not to look down, only up.
It is not easy.

The sun shines today

I seek for kindness.

I look for it, i thirst for it.

When i find the smallest act, 

i bath in it becoming refreshed and renewed. 

If it is God's light that shines through these people in their kindness,

then i have found a bit of God.

Tomorrow it may be dark and gloomy, as so oft' is the world,

but today there is kindness

 and the sun shines!

Confounding thoughts

I wander.
Lost,
Confused,
Dazed,

in a fog so dark, my blurred vision seems to pale beside it,
The strange double vision,
which seems to have become my friend these long nights,
i prefer over the darkness of …
confusion, and hopelessness that I feel.
Pain and anguish come to my heart,
yet i do not understand the source.
I struggle and fight
And yet no end seems in sight for this darkness in my soul.
I know neither the days, nor weeks, nor even the years during this long struggle,
They are but a blur to my mind.

It is a strange thing to think,
but what was my greatest strengths have become my greatest weakness
and my greatest weaknesses... have becomes my greatest strengths.
This confuses me …
And gives me comfort at the same time!

Life still lives
And in the midst of all confusion,
i know that this will pass.
And there will be sunlight and gentle rain and peace,
replacing this confusing and unknown anguish of my soul.

To brighter days and joy.

Still

I have not yet shaken this nagging pit in my stomach.

I am not settled yet.

Could it be that we are having summer at the beginning of April?

Or that i am truly coming face to face with my inadequacies?

No matter what, things go on and we learn,

i am not finished learning!

I am not finished being!

I am a stubborn cuss

I will not give up.
I will not stop pushing myself.
This is not always a good thing, but then when it comes to cooking, I was told yesterday (Easter dinner) that I have gone from Okay to excellent.
It is all because I am sooo stubborn.
I did a simple smoked ham Ham shank.  added pine apple to the side, pored an orange and honey glaze I had made over it and sprinkled ground clove over it.
I baked at a low temperature for hours, dunking it in the sauce regularly.
I had cross-hatched the fat so the juices penetrated the meat.
I cooked turnip greens with onion and chicken stock (my own, so it had fat within).
I picked dandelion greens again and fried that with the remainder of the hot sausage i had cooked.
I stuffed mushrooms with celery, onion, mozzarella cheese and egg (to hold it together).
The hot sausage?  That was part of a sausage/cheese bread I made (The bread brought frozen, like pizza dough),
The remainder of the ricotta cheese that I used for the bread went into a custard with mixed fruit!
I started at 8 and did not stop until 2 (okay, I took a couple of breaks in between),
boy am i stubborn!

It has NEVER been "Why me?"

Not when they found the large tumor.
Not when they said it must come out.
Not when i heard them say "He's not breathing people!"
Not when I woke with double vision that has stayed this long time.
Not when my brain went concave and I lost cognition.
Not when i came out of it and realized what had happened.
I have questioned "How long?"
Only to go through another learning process and find something truly valuable on the other side.
The troubles and difficulties have always resulted in some learning and I no longer know when, but i do know it will end.
This is mt adventure!
What did i learn this time?
I am still learning it, but i finally understand that compassion is not looking from afar and feeling for the person, that is actually arogant pity.
It is feeling what they feel, no matter what words they use or tone it comes out in.
It is understanding the heart of the person suffering, and just being with them.
This was an intense lesson and it is not over.

It is Easter!

I should be used to this by now, before Easter there seem to always be crises and by Sunday more things seem to be resolved.
That is what the resurrection method is all about, suffering agony, life!
On the block this go round was my desire to "fix things".
I can not do it and am even more limited in my abilities than ever.  Some where I am finding a different path, it was hard to let go of, but the way is much clearer...
step around this mountain, wade through that stream, walk through the forest...
You all know the routine, because anyone who deals with internal grow has been there.
The confusion and feeling of being lost when you are in a fog and then it becomes clear and you go Oh, that is what this is all about?
All those crazy places we went before were necessary because we did not know a quicker way and then it is there.  All things work together, thank God.
Peace to all this Eater!
And thank you for all your prayers.

Down for Easter

I am getting very close to 500 posts on this portion of my blogging adventure, so there are no rhymes or similes today.
 For a few days things have been a bit difficult, my mom is having some trouble and there is a conflict between what she wants, what I think might be good for her and what her sister wants.  The story so far is that I have gotten her a least 2 days a week of home health care on her insurance (instead of her paying for it).
This should help her and is a compromise between what I thought and what she wanted (she wanted a cleaning lady only).
Tho this is my absolutely favorite holiday, I have been a bit down and of course more trouble for people close to me did not help.
The weather did help and a church service at the local catholic church helped a lot also, but there is a lot going on that is at best, unsettled.
I hope for all the newness that this season and holiday brings for all those close to me and far away!

Sun Shine!

Gleaming rays of sunlight,
Poke feebly through storm clouds last evening
And this morning,
Ah, this morning;
It shines full force,
Driving away the last vestiges of winters chill.
It is strange to have such joy on the morn’ of such a somber holiday/
But today, I will say rejoice!
The rain and the winter and the snow has passed,
Or is there more to come?
Oh!
But the bright sun shine hurts my poor eyes!