Busy weeks

I have not forgotten,
the days have flown by,
a short bout of pneumonia,
a 3 1/2 hour doctor appointemnt (the vison/head trauma doctors),
pressure at work to produce a paper, more information, multiple phone calls that no one else is able to handle and my normal work.
A mis-arrangement of my prism inserts on the glasses that would be laughable,
if they did not create a slightly wrong perception that left me confused.
The Garden calling my name (what a relief) and
now Saturday and some peace.
I look forward to a cook out with friends
and that (due to a miscalculation) the end of the world in October!

continuing on

there has been a rage in my heart.
i have sought peace and not found it because of this.
It is not because my mother has past on,
nor because of the continuing saga of my head trauma recovery.
No this is because of the confusion and chaos in my life and heart.
Each contributes to it,
as does every one who asks something of me,
but i own my own chaos and strive against it.
I sometimes feel like a lost child,
who no longer knows his way.
I hear; "Be still and hear my voice, know that i am God"
and i struggle to be still.

For a time i find it,

my heart is still

my path is clear

and the rage fades away.

The plants call out to me;

"Help us, for we are at your mercy."

I respond and i am still quiet,

working the dirt, the roots, bringing order to chaos.

Simple it seems.

How simple, how difficult it is to be still!

There is a whole religion devoted to it.

So simple and how much interferes.

There is much work to do,

i can face it again

and so here i am again.

For a time now i am at peace ..

Again.

I guess I still Struggle

The grief is over,
but now the bills,
by people and place that do not know
or care.
So I have rage
and it is hard to be kind
and to remember the good.
My eyes..
they are still trouble and
i still struggle.
They still do not know.

Continuing on after the storm

Slowly, I get up,


To explore this new landscape I am in.

My heart was hurt in the storm

And a few left me,

But I find that I am fine.

My heart has begun to feel again

And I look out upon the landscape to find a new path.

It is quiet, but there is piece.

Those closest, who helped me weather the storm, are still there,

But it is me who has to find my way.

Someone close leaves, from the necessities of life.

They are not dead, but they have taken another path.

Others come around, marveling at the peace,

That I am surprised at.

The ghosts are gone, but memories remain.

Memories, do not haunt me, they guide me.

I walk upon green grass.

I am assured that there will be more storms,

but I will survive those also.

A pneumonia racked my lungs for a short time

And I thought of her struggle.

The ghosts almost came back, but I got better

And they did not come.

One would not think that pain could heal,

But it does.

there seems to be a lot going on...

After the memorial service, i took a few more days of quiet, in a restful place.
There was much healing.
Coming back to the rest of the world

and its crazy prioritization of things,

i find myself disturbed, again.    

nightmares of my mom's last days,
strugling to breath.
She is not there any more,
this part is over.

But where have i gone?
i seem to shrink to some insignificance.

I breath again and reenter the world.

how easy it is to vanish and not know where you have gone.

Now i have still one more holiday, I will not celebrate.

Life begins again

For a moment,

my heart stopped,

time stood still,

For me.

As the world rushed madly by,

Hours turned to days,

Days to weeks,

Weeks to a month.

I began to breath again,

Time began moving,

For me.

Life continued.



This was particularly difficult,

For me.



Everyone goes through this,

but when it happens to you,

it is yours,

There is no other way to put it.



We had a beautiful and moving memorial service,

and those closest also were surprised,

that a month had passed.