things

there are "things" calling out to me,
Things to keep me busy,
Things to do,
but deep down,
at this moment,
it is time to be.

The Garden calls out:

Trim me,

transplant me,

water me.

I fight the urge and remain calm.
To just be
is perhaps the most import thing one can do
.

To be still

and quiet

and listen and see

and to be at peace.

This does not occur during the work week,for it can not.
I give of my all
and the blood test say that it is like a strenuous work out.
It must occur now and tomorrow.

My only question is,
Is it enough?

i am not done

This requires careful thought,

carefully placed words.

I have not been silent because of problems,
but maybe because of the potential of resolutions.
The results from the new scan
and blood work
tell me something that makes me think,
in a good way,
that my "Adventure" may be coming to a close.

It is not that i am strong,
for i am without a doubt weak,
fearing discomfort and pain.
It is from my weakness that i draw strength.

I shall not bulldoze my way to health,

but it shall come lightly,
as a butterfly lands upon a flower.

Do i call on God for Strength?
Of course i call on God,
but not for strength,
but patience,
for in waiting i shall be found.
Certainly i can wait 6 months for this.

Comfort food

when i first came out of the hospital some 3 and 1/2 years ago, after staying there for 2 months, i had something in my taste buds that i wanted to eat.
It could not be found (that i know of) in a restaurant, so i cooked  "Hay Stacks"
I have had a similar taste in my mouth for some time, with a little bit of a twist:
back then i wanted to mix ground lamb and beef and make things more Greek,
Tonight, i am going more Italian.
Tonights reciepe:

Hay Stacks

a meatloaf type dish without the pan

Using various kinds of ground meat, savory vegetables, spices and cheese, a Hay Stack fits your mood;  this is for an Italian Hay Stack

1 lbs Ground beef
1 lbs ground veal
1 lbs ground pork
1 white onion, diced
1 tablespoon of garlic, diced
1 tablespoon basil, diced
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1/4 cup shredded parmesan cheese
4 eggs
1/2 cup Italian bread crumbs
Options: 1 - 8 oz can of tomato sauce
 

Mix all the ingredients together well, shape them into large, 3" meatballs and place them on a greased baking pan, pressing down to make a flat bottom, but leaving the top rounded.

Cook at 350 F for 1 hour.

The outside will be crispy brown and the inside moist!

strange thing to post

i received a call from the nuerologist tonight.
The nurse had alread scheduled a follow up appointment in July,
so i was not expecting this...
or maybe i was.
There is a bit of something growing back in the 4th ventricle of the brain,
there were some blood work issues - like things indicating that i was exsecising heavily before the blood test -
i was not..
It will require a follow-up MRI in 6 months.
I am more curious than anything,
What does this mean?

miracles

Those strange events for which we have no explanation,

whether they be of an Impossible" nature

or in a mater that things come together so as to defy probability.

The hand of God.

I wrote my post the other day in an almost frantic mode,
frightened possibly,
unsure of what to do.
The glasses that allow me to work
and to pay bills
and to read,
were gone.
vanished in a manner i can not explain
and still can not.
Trying to see with the "Fresnel" lenses is akin to looking through wax paper.
It simply does not work.
How i did that for so long,
i do not know,
but they were gone.
The hot day,
was not a bother for me,
but my regular glasses, i still wore.
No getting around those, for without them,
EVERYTHING is double in no small manner.
I am home and i get a call from the place that i put my prescription for a second pair of reading glasses...
5 days ago. 
"Your glasses are ready" I hear from the other side of the phone.
They were suppose to take 2 weeks.
i go to the lab today, looking for the valise which had the glasses.
I find an unused, brand new case instead.
I tried to think of what was valuable besides the glasses -
the 4 gig USB device?
The can of coffee?
The Scone that was to be for breakfast?
Nothing else really.
All was restored...
this one i call a miracle.

Strange problems

Th place i ork had a serious problem electrically yesterday afternoon afteri left.They still had an issue when i went in this morning, but afdter much finageling, i was allowed to go up to check on things that might be a problem.
I had my bag with my reading glasses and other things of lesser importance in it.
I did my things, but carried my bag with me into the lab proper and set it down... some where.
Yes, i can not find it,
not my reading glasses.
How am i writing this?
using my old fresnel insert glasses,
which fog everything up because that is what fresnel lenses do.
I can not read the screen i am writing on, but i can see the key board.
The most interesting thing is the distance i can see with these, meaning that the "Prism" amount is greater than what i am using now-
the new glasses are 1 year old and that tells me there is improveement.

Post father's day post

I really do love my dad, whi is gone.
He worked very hard
 and so some times was not in my life,
 as much as i might have liked,
but was there often enough to make very good memories.

But i have been more fortunate than most,
for many people have come into my life,
as mentors,
guides and role models
and each has been a father to me.
I honor what tyhey taught me each day of day life.
This is what is important.

post 3 in one day

I must be relaxing,
Garden work,
bills,
painting (outside construction stuff),
and now this...
It has been a beautiful day
and if i never said this before -
I have a very strange sence of humor.
I left the following note for those in the house so they knew where i was:

Of course, initially i misspelled "nekid" and i really did not go that way,
but i felt free enough.
The walk allowed me to contemplate some things:
I have started with a physical therapist to try to help my balance.
You know a doctor is good when not only do they tell you what you know,
but also show you something you never suspected.
The obvious:  IWas the conclusion that i am at risk of falling.
Yes, i knew that because i do so regularly.
My legs are strong.
but there is a weakness in my left leg - i never suspected.
I lose balance when i turn my head one way or another, I knew,
but there was an idea that i might change the way i do that so as to keep my balance -
i tried what was suggested and was pleased to see it helped.
I am going to grill a leg of lamb tomorrow.
Note grill, not smoke, lamb does not do well smoked,
Of course i am setting it up with my lamb rub :
Dried mint, galic, oregano and salt.
I'll make my lemon/mint sauce tomorrow.

innocent

my mom and dad and me - at less than 1 year old.

The day started innocently enough,
with no thought of tomorrow
or of any significance thereof.
A neighbor asks me;
"well you know about how special tomorrow is, right?"
I draw a blank.
It does not dawn on me at all.
I ask him if it is his birthday
and he replies that it is father's day and all his sons and daughter - in - laws will be over - tomorrow.
I replied a hollow "oh."  I do not celebrate that any more.

Not that i still do not honor my other and father, daily.
Full knowing there foibles and difficulties.
They did the best they could
They loved me and i love them still.

Another close friend had a child when she was young, but left him when he started using drugs.
The child was not a mistake, the man was.
but of course. since it is "father's day"  The man wants to see his son and is giving her grief.
it is my understanding,
 through court records i have seen,
 that the man owes more than $10,000 in back child support.
And he wants to see his son, who he does not support, on father's day.

For some reason, i think not.

feeling better

It seemed like weeks and months of gloom,
but it was only a short while.

Scallion flower

Lots of rain.
Beautiful out - cool, sunny, nice!

Illness, mostly passed
and now we have construction in the house!

Things that long need help are being finished
and this is very, very good.

Snow pea flower

Meanwhile the garden flourishes.
lettuce, peas , herbs, flowers!

Percious memories

so the day started with me getting ready to go to work,
but 15 minutes before i ran out of energy and stayed home...again.
I cough up ugly green stuff and then slept until 10 - i never sleep late - ever.
Then i made my self constructive bu going through another of the photo albums...
a true trerasure trove of picture
from an early age in the Texas West,
Galveston beach,
Houston
and probably Tennessee near the Cherokee reservation.

the progression of an illness

I was confused,
things did not happen like usual.
It was not a sinus infection that came after and allergy attack.
It was more insidious, it was a virus.
Flu maybe, but the hot and cold sweats produced no elevated temperature.
a sure sign.
Then it kept going and sure enough,
the sore throat, the clogged Eustachian tube for my left ear,
the one that does not work anyway;
The swollen lymph nodes all indications it had gone further.
Yes, the doctor concurred - a bacterial infection now.
A "Z" pack to clear that away.
First dose a bit a go -
tomorrow will be better.

illness

in the process of tapping this unusual portion of my brain, i have particularly learned from Erin that all life may be expressed in the song of poetry.

I woke last night, cold and damp, struggling just to take a breath.
The thought came and went - Is this my time, this way?
As i gasped for air, i knew i was not dome,
but i was miserable.
I feel so fragile since the beginning of this "Adventure" that i have been on.
I single misstep could be my last.
My own mortality seems always very present,
but this means each breath is still more precious.
So allergies and a miserable cold brought me to this?
I rest today, taking much vitamin C to kick start my immune system.
I still am hot and cold, with the hot being the preferred.
There is much beauty around me...

Gifts

time to be thankful for all that i have.

Never had a garden so lush and beautiful so early in the year!

a feeling of unease

We all have experienced it.
whence it comes we do not always know,
but it there,
pervasive,
encompassing,
sometimes making us fear our own shadow.
There have been changes,
but they appear to be good,
and, as in all things,
only time will tell.

A Taste of Joe

yes, if i ever open a restaurant, this will be the name.
Tonight i did a special Mac & Cheese, one that i almost dreamed about.
Normal Elbows.
diced, deli ham fried in butter and canola oil.
Shredded Cheese, sour cream, heavy cream and
one of my own diced Chipotle peppers.
Then i went after a Mediterranean style tuna salad (okay my Greek thing again).
Canned tune - fried in olive oil which i had crisped some onions with salt and black pepper and then added garlic and capers.
Rotini macaroni added to chopped celery and diced apple.
mix together and cool, add wine vinegar.
serve.
Both were hits - both were deep in my cooking roots.

not my final words

The weather in June feels more like a typical March - cool, windy with rain threatening.
We had a few wonderful days, warm, dry, full of sunshine,  last week and a few muggy, stifling days before that (worse than what i remember Houston, Texas ever being).
Tomorrow is my Lab director's last day -
he started before me some 37 years ago.
For the most part he has been an excellent person to work for
(tho i thought he could have left awhile back, mostly for his sake).
When we had disagreements, it was mostly how we perceived things and how things should go.
i tend to be very strong minded.
The work at the lab waxes and wanes in an unpredictable manner:
some days there is literally nothing going on.
I use this time to catch up on "quality control" - the stuff that ensures that everything i work with is working okay.
Then comes days like the last 2 weeks, when every thing comes as a tsunami and i feel like i am drowning under everything that must be done.
These are the days i lose everything when i come home and it takes a weekend to return to normal.
So today at our house is a leftover day - when i just reheat what we have had previously - good and bad.
Not everyday can be creative!

back to roots

cooking roots that is.
I have4 that i can get to easily - Greek, Texan, Italian and country French.
to break out of my funk -
i went Greek First - roasting some lamb shanks i had bought for such an occasion -
My "trinity" of spices cooking Greek - is Garlic, lemon and mint - accompaniments are oregano and olives, wine, olive oil and feta cheese.
The shanks are marinated in the first 3 plus oregano. olive oil and wine.
While the shanks are roasting, the marinade is reduced.
The olives (Kalamata) are chopped and mixed with olive oil, oregano and feta cheese for a Tapenade type appetizer.
The starch?  My mom would have called it rose marina - most people know it as a pasta - orzo and the juices from the lamb are used to cook it.
A salad (from my garden!) with roasted fennel (also fro the garden) finished the sides.
After the shanks are cooked - i brought them in to slice the meat off.
The marinade had some canned cream of celery soup added to thicken it a bit and that was poured over the lamb slices.
All good for Saturday evening.
Sunday - i went for Texas memories.
My dad and i would often hunt for dove during the season and would be successful (lots of wild, Mexican Dove in Texas).
There is not much meat on a dove, so after plucking and cleaning (or visa versa), he would stuff them with sausage and roast them on a grill.
No dove to be had up here - so i used Cornish hens.
I had picked up some ground veal for such an occasion a while back and some mild Italian sausage.
These were mixed with Bell's poultry seasoning, dried blueberries, salt and the cooked "innards" of the hens and stuffed back in to the bird.
A small amount of sweet BBQ sauce was put on top of the bird and they were roasted inside (because Thunderstorms kept rolling through on Sunday).
Served with rice and mixed veggies.
Another home run.
Roots are wonderful things!

Sunday morning reflections

During the week ,
i was engaged in a number of "religious" discussions,
Inevitably, the fact i was a scientist was linked to not having any faith.
I am perplexed by that.
By seeing the vastness of the universe, all of its beauty and complexity and mystery -
many scientist have proclaimed their belief in God and something greater than ourselves.
To me, we would be foolish not to believe in something more than our selves,
to believe otherwise, puts us in the center of a Universe that does not exist outside of ourselves.
Do i believe in things that i can not understand nor explain?
Of course, i am not that arrogant to think i know it all.
There are so many experiences that exist of things that are miraculous, of course, i believe in miracles.
What do i think of death?  That it is not an end - "energy can not be created nor destroyed" from the scientific point of view and we are full of energy, of the kind we know about and the kind we do not.
From my experience - i also know it is not an end - for when i heard the doctors say "He's not breathing, people!" 
My body was deep under anesthesia and i was not in it and the peace and comfort i felt was beyond explanation.
Do i believe every jot and tittle that is written in the bible -
no - i think man has had plenty of opportunity to change things,
Do i look to the bible as a reference for my life?
Yes, particularly the teachings of Jesus and His clarification of "the Law".
Do i think Jesus the Son of God, as one raised form the dead?
Yes - that came through experiences that i can not understand, but i accept, as any scientist should, that we do not know nor can explain everything. 
We simply are not that great.
i have no problem with His Ascension either, it simply does not cause a conflict with "rational thinking" to me.
Everything else that everyone else wants to fight over is so unimportant.
Live your life with love not hatred or fear.
Do good at every opportunity and try to be something other than selfish...
that might sum up my religion.

back in the struggle

For the past several weeks,

i have allowed my joy to be trampled under by many fights,

some i began,

some came to me unasked for.

All had to do my own perception of my moral sense of being.

i am an active and not a passive

and i will scrap with anyone or thing that i think takes away a person's dignity

or well being.

It has a high cost,

but i do it where i can and my job sometimes makes that easy.

and so now for the weekend i find myself back in the struggle...

to be me again.

Songs seem to flow around me,

but not yet through me.

The many messengers who have passed on,

have left me for a time,

but i am assured in my spirit that they will be back.

The weather cleared for a time

and other living messengers came to me,

with words of encouragement.

I am not alone.

A storm last night

seemed to echo the struggle,

but the storm gave me peace

testin, trying - not quite there

It has been a rough2 weeks at work and i have been in a number of battles
 - so i have not been very inspired...
that of course leads me to try new things or "twists" to old recipies.
Yesterday i took my tried and true clam sauce and add black olives and lemon zest -
it mostly worked.
Today - i wanted fish - i had frozen Tilapia.
Normally i bread it with corn meal and bake it -
today - i had a box of packaged corn bread that i need to use so...
i melted butter in an oven pan, placed the Tilapia in it and poured the corn bread batter over it and baked...
Okay - i probably should have toasted the fish a bit first
or added some lemon to it, but it came out okay -
enough that no one complained,
except they wondered what poaching the Tilapia in cream of corn would have been like.
I should recover enough tomorrow that i should have my game on...if we do not go out to eat BBQ....