Thursday, June 27, 2013

Continuing from the morning

For there is more to say,
the reflections from this morning,
may or may not be some what dark,
as the skies were.
For i pondered my usefulness,
with these eyes of mine.
Every chance i have to help,
i take,
perhaps fearing that i will not be able to give again.
As times approach for some proffered help,
i have doubts and
think that some one else will take my place.
For the times i think i am nothing are many
and the times i think i am something are few.
Allow me , then,
to take your hand for a moment and help in some small way,
for in those moments i feel i am something
and the fears in my heart are relieved.

Cleansing

Plop!
a large rain drop fell,
tearing through the sky to hit leaves and end on the sidewalk.

I take my first sip of coffee,
but i am not truly awake yet.

A pattern of large rains drops began,
making way for a steady, softer pattern of smaller ones.

Sitting on the porch,
 i continue with my coffee,
yes, MY coffee,
slowly bringing my mind to consciousness.

The softer rain now has covered the sidewalk,
changing its color,
cooling it down
by making it wet.

I do not have my glasses on,
so what i see is,
well,
different.
The images coming into my brain are sharp,
but not clear,
for what each eye sees,
is not combined into a single image,
but remains separate
and not by a little margin,
so as to make the images blurry,
but by a great margin,
so as to make them confused.

A potted plant,
here
and there!
When i look out on the world this way,
my eyes and brain do not strain
and i am relaxed.

The rain stops softly,
as if it had not been,
with no noise.
Behind plants and air are refreshed.

I finish my coffee and am awake enough to come inside
and reflect on a new day.



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

songs

As of late there are so many songs in my heart,
written in prose and verse.
Too many,
for i can not write them all down.
They change, not day by day,
but rather moment by moment.
It occurs from the depths of my soul,
to the tips of my fingers
and everywhere else in between.
Despair is replaced by laughter,
anger, by love and peace.
Confusion, by knowledge and understanding.
Compassion rules in the end.
Disorder is still present,
but all things that grow,
create disorder.
It takes time to bring meaning and purpose back.

Friday, June 21, 2013

hide away!

The weather has been absolutely beautiful the last few days
and i have a secret place to go,
where none can see,
tho i am in plain view.
It is quiet and peaceful
in an otherwise busy world.
Come with me to that place now
and we may enjoy the peace together.
you can just see the pillow where i have my head!


Yea, nothing has changed,
except my heart,
for i am thankful for all things.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

"At least your not bored"

i hear that phrase too often now that i have retired.
I returned for a few hours to train a new lab director.
I hear this too much,
it is irritating.
I have a person who is recovering from an operation and can not get around that i am assisting...
how can i be bored?
I am struggling with getting a house ready to sell,
how can i be bored?
I am an official "Conservator of person" for a gentleman who sometimes fades in his thinking process...
how can i be bored.
I have the two daughters of our dog staying over while the first person recovers and i cook the meals not only for my house, but for the same person's house.
Bored????
It offends me.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

sucess

In the past few months, i have attempted to improve my overall health.
Doing more has brought its own stress, but also a special reward.
I started in February at 245 pounds!  yes, you heard correctly,
i was badly over weight.
I also was at a point of not caring.
My blood sugars were averaging in the 140's to 160's first thing in the morning, but not going too high even after eating.
Today, i am 200 with a goal of 190 before the summer end...
and my blood sugar?  Today it was 99, the best in many months with averages about 120.
I do not think i changed that much in my eating habits, but then again, maybe i did!

The wild weather , a very wet and periodically hot June has brought molds and mildews out in basements and crawlspaces and damp closets.
Now molds may trigger an asthma type response, but they also may have a hallucinogenic effect on people.
I had some heavy exposure for a few days and my mood did go south (even though there was cause also).
benadryl helped and removing the exposure also.

Better times are coming~i hopw!

Monday, June 17, 2013

a bit of anger

the silence that you speak,
tells me more than many words.
The actions that you do,
reveals your heart
and shows your lies.
Do you think that you do not reveal all in silence?
Do not be fooled,
speak your heart,
remove your anger
for i have done nothing except to speak what is on my heart,
in my mind.
I have not hidden my thoughts from you.
I have not sought to obscure my way.
Speak and be free.
Do not worry,
if you have spoken your heart to me,
if you have not been silent,
then this is not for you.

travels

i have chosen a life of folly,
one not understood by most
and some times,
 not even by myself.
A gift to be given,
not asking for anything in return,
but still wanting it.
A life to give and not receive,
but at times i falter,
for i am but a man
and all mankind is weak.
There are time i feel to be the weakest of the weak,
 not strong,
not knowledgeable,
Not well spoken.
Then a whisper,
a slight breeze speaks to me softly:
"Continue on this way"
and so i plod on on,
but remember there is beauty.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

stretched, but content

the mind seeks the answers
to what the heart already knows.
The mind can bring strife,
the heart peace.
When i seek answers to things that can not be known,
i lose myself.
There are many thing that the mind is for
and i use them constantly,
but there is a limit.
A call back to the job i recently left,
for reasons that do not make me happy.
A friend, working, but not paid;
oppression at its worst, but they seem unaware.
A neighbor living in an unhealthy apartment, because the home is the mother's...
Another with a recent operation, leaving them unable to get around,
so i do their errands.
I can be there,
i give support,
but no answers.
These are the things that can not be known.
We can not fix things,
but we can be with them.
With that ,
I am content.

Friday, June 14, 2013

wandering

A voice has escaped me,
meandering down roads,
i did not believe i could do.
I lost a voice,
an attitude,
a Joy.
I started thinking too much,
thinking and pondering things that are not knowable.
i became lost
and bewildered.
I forgot that things are truly simple...
be thankful,see beauty,
above all else,
love!
Yes, that voice came back again
and i,
i am extremely grateful.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

it feels toxic

Not an environmental post,
but i was back at the lab for 2 days this week.
Nice lab new lab director,
who wanted to know what i did.
I was hired to "train" and so i did.
2 people interested to know what i had to say,
one a bit nosy in what i was doing.
No i really did not want to go back,
but i made a promise.
The last, seething in anger unspoken, with barely a word passing their lips.
That person was there 10 years with me
and has refused to do most of what i did.
It is bad air, but i will return,
they are of course sad and truly alone.
I will not cause any more grief than they are causing themselves.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

return

in multiple layers.
 the reading glasses are finally on my face,
fixed from an error by the lab,
they forgot to put prism in one eye,what a mess!
Back at the lab,
for a short time to train new faces in what i used to do.
Relief in my heart,
for another bit of my Adventure is concluded.
I survived and now another turn comes in the middle of the road.