i hate to hurt people i care about

IT happens,
and we all do it!
No, you can not deny,
you have done it also.
And we have done it together,
to each other and those closest and best for us.
We think with our needs and not our hearts,
but those needs are not that important.

In the end, when we stop being selfish,
we can get through it all
and yes, that is the secret of forgiveness.

I can say i desire your body
or want your heart,
but what i need is your hand,
is that okay?

For the body becomes old
and the heart can wander,
but hand is a life to share and can carry a body when it is old,
and grab a heart when it wanders.

appropriate for any one

Remembering the fun we had,
not the strife.
Remembering the joy at meeting,
not the pain at parting.
Remembering the simple things we shared,
not the things that tore us apart.
Remembering how we met,
not how we left.

This is who i am,
the trouble is gone
and only joy remains.

This is NOT about you.

It is about all those who have left my life,
permanently or temporarily;
by death or by choice.

This is the best any of us can do.

recovery

Six weeks of being the helper...
driving,
cooking,
grocery shopping
for another who was on the mend.
It took its toll.
I was very tired,
exhausted,
sleeping early,
but waking early as well.
They have taken major steps forward and my burden for them is relieved.

Another,
who i count of one of a very few selected persons
whom i would trust with my heart and life,
but not for me, they were in a different relation and now they have taken a hiatus,
a vacation, a holiday so to speak and are away.
I am comforted in that this is good for them, but difficult for me.
Obviously i miss the daily conversations and the 2 children, especially the percious 1 and a half year old.
I am now recovering from that,
working around the house, painting cleaning.
More still to do.

Finally after 5 years i have found some one who does deep tissue theraputic massage on my neck and feel the difference.
It is all part of recovery.
It is all part of healing.

It is still July

But this morning,
it feels like late August...
Cool mornings (for me)
and warm days.
Things always change and how we flow with changes,
marks how much we have learned.

I still struggle with the things that have happen since my operation,
they do not make my life easy.
Change may be for the better,
but it is not necessarily easy.
Eye sight and balance remain issues.

Relationships change also,
but when that change is not full of drama and negativity,
it is easy to accept.
When a relationship is founded on something greater,
there is no ending
and not even death may end it,
so what is a few miles?

I carry so many in my heart,
some who are long past,
some who have only moved for a bit.
I find great comfort in each one
and i am constantly surprised by their strength.

So the cool morning continue,
with a promise of warmth later on.
How similar is this to our relationships here.

but wait, there's more

i have know for a long time, that the person who i kind of look after (and many times, he looks after me as well) and who has brain damage from birth; is affected by many things.
he can go into a fog if his allergies act up too much, or if it is too hot (but not too cold).
If his blood sugar is too low (never too high, but he has hit in the 40's several times in the last few weeks, and his doctor is not concerned).
Emotional things (like the passing of his mother last year, and who would not have issues with that?) or a sister having issues at her home.
It does not quite work in exactly the same way as with most people, so i keep tabs on him, keep him active, challenge him often and thing work out.
I always thought he was different,
I am not so sure any more because i think the same goes on with me and others, but in each a very different way.
Ah, that makes sense because we are not the same (no matter what western medicine says!).

still the experimentor

Maybe this should go under cooking,
but it could be under gardening,
but it is all about my heart,
the one that never stops and keeps on trying...things!
I have strange issues with my eyes
and my balance if off often
or is it?
For i can now go through a half data of Tea Kwon Do kicks with out losing my balance,
but can fall, turning around.

Today, i have lots of basil in the garden
and in the course of my diet have found that pasta is my greatest enemy.

Rice, potatoes and corn is not...
The experiment?
The thing that started this post?

I want to do a pesto rice, instead of pasta.
I simply do not see why it would not work.
I will let you know.

special

i have been struggling as of late,
with myself.
Fighting things which would consume me,
getting down on myself,
for reasons on thoughts and feelings.
Words that keep on echoing in my mind
and reached my heart,
You are never good enough,
but they do not condemn me,
they lift me up,
relive a burden deep in my soul.
Sun or not,
love or not,
this is a great life to live.

what ifs

What if we could truly reach deep to each other
and share our being with each other?
We seem so restricted with various things;
the DO NOTs top the list,
but then anger
and jealousy
and fear follow closely behind
with pride and envy,
all separating us from each other.
I want to reach deep into your soul and touch you,
with out pretense,
without lies,
 just to enjoy who you are.
I can what a life time for this yet again,
i can not live with out it.
We try,
but we still have not touched each others as we need.
Our fathers and mothers,
as close as they are,'have not reached there.
When they go on,
we miss even the closeness we were given with them,
tho there will be a time to rejoin.
Yet what we miss is still not enough.
The deep of my sol yearns for this,
maybe soon...

Outlook

I have listen closely to the learned ones;
on their dissertations on what the "world" is
and on "sin"
and on death.
I think they missed the mark,
shot wide
for the world is about power,
of countries and over people,
I want no part of that.
Violence and death is ll it brings.
Manipulation and scheming and lies.
Sin, the opposite of Loving your neighbor as yourself.
Separation, from each other, from God.
We do not want to work together with each other nor God...
this is a great loss!
We all prefer our own needs and wants first,
but each of us can be connected, if we let it.
Death, not a finality,
but something which frees us from the confines of this world
and allows our souls to be free of our bodies.
It is something to look forward to, not shirked away from.
Yes, i am being "spiritual" here,
but we all are,
even tho we often deny it.
Community;
not a word i started with,
but one i choose to live in.
The beginning of what is to come.

Whew!

Here i sit,
actually dark and defeated for a moment.
You have your life,
i have mine.
For brief moments we met
and it is very sweet,
bt soon the two different lives move us apart
and we say so long for now.
My heart has lived this so many times
and probably so many more.
I am cast aside,
so you think,
but it is not the truth.
It is only that our lives no long meet
and lingering would bring an end to both.

I must add more,
for tho i feel aloe,
(so many times now),
I know i am not alone
and never have been.
I stay to the path that i am called to,
it is not an easy path
and there are people with me,
but it seems like so few. so few.
I wish for a few more,
but it is their choice,
not mine
and i can not force this upon any one.

continuing - a response

baring one's soul,
 is our choice,
some one receiving it,
is theirs.
I would rather be as open as possible,
risking all,
because the person who response back in kind,
is the one i want to keep close.

Not all people will receive the gift i give
and i am careful not to squander that gift on all people,
but i give the gift when i can,
small tidbits of myself.

Yes there are those who will betray -
even Jesus had one,
but, for me it is worth it.

deep

How do we respond when some one becomes naked before us?
No, i do not talk of clothes,
but rather the true nakedness of the soul.
Does it make you uncomfortable?
It should, for we are all guarded,
hiding that we do not want others to see,
those UGLY parts,
parts that we think others will dislike us for
or that we think are disfigured.

This is always the hard part,
some one shares deeply,
beyond what is normal.
Not just the hopes and dreams,
but the fears and difficulties.

The gift is given,
some one became real,
How do you respond?

Become naked with them,
do not be afraid,
for we are all the same
and we all are different.

It is a gift.

back and forth

times of fight
and flight.
Thankfulness and fearfulness.
None go together,
but a realization seems to dawn on me:
This life is not the trial i thought it was,
but a gift to be enjoyed.
The "things" that we struggle with,
 are only distractions,
from what is truly important:
Being thankful for the apple to be eaten, is the message,
not the other things.
Gifts,
This life,
do we squander it,
or do we embrace it?

Inconvenient times

They come at times i do not want,
waking me out of a sound sleep...
whispers speaking to me,
not voices, but feelings,
concerns,
thoughts.
Early they come
and i seek their source.
Those of whom they are about,
do not know that they are speaking to me.
They cause me to reflect and pray,
to seek and direct.
When it is at a new point,
they go away,
what i can do,
i have done,
but my heart lingers on.
Do not forget me, when your troubles are gone away,
for when they return,
i will still be there,
listening...
to the sounds of your heart.