a time of reflection and remembering lessons

it is not really early -,
but the house is still and quiet.
Soon it will be bustling with activity and distractions
as the two men i call brothers,
(for brothers they are in spirit, not in blood),
will waken.
5 years now,
a life time ago,
that operation caused havoc on my life,
forcing me to reshape my priorities
and see what was truly important.
5 years ago is the time i "lost" cognizance and at least 2 years of memories.
Oh, but what i gained!
Those lessons are many times challenged
and i face the revoking of them,
but no matter what,
i will stay true to them.
People who come into my life are invited into my "family",
which extends beyond the 2 men i live with.
We are many time dysfunctional
and selfish
and forget our purpose in this world,
but we hold each other up
and try to re-remind each other
to hold fast.
We fail, we fumble
and this is not different than any other human on this planet
or any other family.
In the end,
we stick together
and hold on despite the difficulties around us.
The invitation to join this family, is not given lightly,
but it is given and many times rejected,
to the loss of those who reject.
No claim of perfection,
nor of perfect knowledge,
but one of commitment and love.

Thanksgiving

A big holiday,
but it seems strange to me that we choose only one day to remember to be thankful.
There are days it is though to do,
but each of us reading this has more than most,
it is something to remember each time we eat
or cook
or write
or even read.
So much to be thankful for
and we make a big deal of it today.
Lets do it every day instead.

challenging the "walls"

many times in the past few years,
i am placed in situations where my limitations seemed to overwhelm me.
They become walls,
with no doors or windows.
It is this time,
i begin to feel trapped,
stuck,
sorry for my self
and finally depressed.
I am not old,
yet when this happens,
i feel more limited than someone with 30 more years.
As a true depression settles in
and the self pity kicks in,
i still do NOT question "why me?"
and NO bitterness comes in.
I settle in,
i do something.
I remember multiple things,
not the least is the old saying:
"I cried because i had no shoes,
until i saw the one who had no feet."
i pick myself up
and i stand
and i do something.
While the list of what i can not do is long,
it has an end.
What i can do?
that list is limitless.
Light breaks into my heart,
the darkness goes away,
and once more,
i sing,
i do,
i create.
Oh those dark times will come again,
but the light times are far greater and will outshine and outlast any darkness.
So i challege the walls
and they come down.

i have been watching as of late

As all of us complicate life.
No, it is not all our fault,
things dig at us and push us down
and make us,
well difficult.
We want,
we do not have.
We ask
and do not receive.
We always hold that is the other who is at fault,
but it isn't.
And so the struggle truly begins,
when we realize this,
that there is much beauty in life
and we fail to see it.
As winter approaches
and i get cold,
which is something i do Not enjoy,
i strive to look for beauty
and just sometimes i fine it.

Messing with a new medium - for me

i have been know as a watercolor artist and am very familiar with techniques and limitation of the medium.
Recently i was asked to do something on glass, which watercolor would not work, obviously, and so i got out the acrylics and did fine with it.

Autumn has almost finished, but one scene stuck in my head, but i did not see watercolor working.
Why?
The paint in watercolor is transparent, which means you overlay colors and strokes to get the desired effect.  paper also plays a large role as well.

The scene was one which i need to edit, but contained multiple types of trees with various colors - my fist day of painting the scene:

More to come

yeah, some times i go there, but i am over it

Source discovered,
perhaps i should be more aware,
but i am not.
It is only the second year,
after all
and this was my mom's season.
Every year this is the time we would spend lots of time together,
celebrate and doing things.
Yes, i still miss all of it,
especially her.
Discovering the source is good,
it helped clear my heart for more important things...
like living and enjoying life!

time

The way home, West Virginia

My path,
as of late,
feels like this painting.

i have felt "off" the past few days,
okay, we can call it weeks
or even months.
I am still this very weak person,
who knows little,
but feels a lot.
The feels are almost overwhelming
and they are followed by dreams and visions.
A birthday passed,
but the question has been...
is it my last?
Why do i think so.
and thinking so is not unpleasant.
I am not sick,
do not feel poorly
and yet...
there are the bare trees speaking to me.
Whispering quietly.
Each day i live,
as if it is my last
and that means an enjoyment that is not surpassed.
Not my style ,
to rhyme like that,
yet i did.
Taking care of things i must,
is ten years
or tomorrow?
i do not know.
Will a typhoon or tornado devour me?
Or some crazy drive run me down?
do any of us know those answers?
My brain skips a beat
and i forget what i was doing.
My heart still is learning lessons though
and that gives me more comfort.

I wish for some one to hold me down
or bring me back.
ground me and keep me safe,
i do not feel "safe".
I share this at times
and people are not able to deal,
but i must.
No more to say,
but much to do.

the change is too quick

we have gone form Autumn to winter in a heart beat.
In a blink of the eye,
the colors are gone
and the trees stand bare or brown as if dead.
Are we also like this,
everything passing too quickly
that we forget to enjoy the Now?
Are we like the seasons?
bursting with life,
standing green and strong,
full of color and beauty next
and barren and cold at the end?
Or are are relationships the same,
do we get tired of the the same old, same old?
We live and we take such petty things to the nth degree.
We are all connected,
we are all part of one another,
we depend on each other.
It seems so hard because the messages are otherwise.
they are the lie,
we all need each other.
And perhaps soon the snow will fly.

reflections

now that i am officially a year older,
i have thought of those things which are so important,
not about what we have
or what we want,
not even where we are
or who we are with
but what our attitude is in all of this.
I take time again to be thankful for all the wondrous thing that have been given to me,
people who love me,
people who actually care.
that is something incredible and those things do not die at all.
So i celebrate all the places i have been,
all the people i have met
and all the persons in my life now...

This is an official thank you.

the incredible strangeness of being me.

My birthday is soon to be.
I celebrate...well differently.
Since the idea hit me strongly on my 33rd birthday,
i try to do something for others.
That year i bought every one who was close to me, presents.
Yes you read that correctly.
This year, i am inviting people over so i can cook a favorite meal:
Smoked brisket,
my mac and cheese,
butter beans (Lima beans)
and a few other things.
i did one special thing for another and their daughter.
It is my way of saying thank you for being in my life
and having fun while doing it.
I actually do not want anything (not that i will refuse any offering, but you get the idea).
So in a few days, i get to celebrate my strangeness...enjoy!

Almost awake

The "daylight savings" thing has taken its toll,
I am almost awake a 9 AM, but wide awake at 6 AM.
The evenings are harder
and the days shorter.
A slight freeze
and then cleaning out the garden.
I have found great gems
of leeks
and celery
and herbs...
and anise...
and mint...
and green tomatoes...
and hot peppers!
What treasures, this bounty of cleaning!
The weather warms,
the sun is very active ,
so many millions of miles away
and we, here on this speak,
become warmer still.

Colors of leaves still speak volumes,
of finishing a season
and going to sleep.
A trip is fun,
tho driving is not.

Perhaps soon the paints will beckon to me,
but first 3 celebrations come in the next three weeks.
two birthdays and Thanksgiving...
I am pleased!

The seasons pass,
they bring joy to my heart!

back to basics

Just before my significant operation,
I was dating a person and we seem to get along.
The operation took a turn for the worse and i was in the hospital 2 months.
Some time during that 2 months, she left.
I was angry, mostly because she was a great help in getting my mom to see me and she just blew us all off and things became much more difficult.
After my mom passed, i saw her and informed her of what had happened, but i used the news of my mom's passing more as a baseball bat, rather than anything nice.
I knew i had to forgive and i will tell you it was difficult, but i attempted the best i could.
Today, i heard that she is now having serious health issues, but i found out that i still have resentment and really did not care.
I do not believe in the idea of "karma" as a good thing.
And i did not want to forgive her and get that bitterness out because of me,  but it was time to end this in my heart.
Reality; there is not one of us who has not made serious mistakes, hurt other people and caused heart ache.
We are all guilty and i will not add to her burden any longer.
I hope that things pass in a good manner and that nothing that she has done in the past is held to her account.
I forgive completely.
I was not doing it for me, but i know it will help me.