no regrets

so cold out....
again.
It always effects my mood, my mind, my heart.
So i reflect and these are good.
The cold took some people away,
but i have a feeling,
as usual,
it was not of their doing completely.
It is okay,
for here things are transient
and maybe we prepare for that which is not.
Loves in my life,
so many,
not lovers, but loves.
Far more important,
far deeper for we share,
for a time anyway,
our souls
and there is nothing deeper than that.
I pity those who choose people as possessions,
use them to keep.
None of us can be kept.
Things happen and they drift us apart
or in some cases are torn apart,
seemingly without mercy.
It is cold out,
the snow lingers and does not melt.
The trees are bare
and a wind howls
and it freezes the very depths of me.
These do not go on forever,
but each of those loves do.

backing away

There have been strange,
difficult things happening in my life as of late.
I am backing away from the now.
Slowly, carefully,
they should not have been
and there is some heartache,
some loos,
but i know it is over.
I now look for the directions i should go
and they are all around me.
I will embrace newness,
that does not ask me to destroy what i have,
but to add to it.
It was important for a bit,
actually a long while,
but it needed to end.
It is funny, they think they ended it,
but i know what i have done
and it was me,
ended willfully,
purposefully.
You can not ask some one to throw away a lifetime
and not expect this in return.
There were people hurt in what is collateral damage,
but i am very aware i was not the root for their pain.
I need to back away now
and find my path again.

being by myself

While doing dinner,
i had one of those "spells".
This one sets me coughing and i can not stop.
This is one of those things that happen to me...
because.
The esophagus no longer works properly after mt operation,
that is because i was intubated when i stopped breathing on the table
and pulled all the tubes out when i woke.
But i think of all these things that i go through daily;
losing my balance regularly
and sometimes falling.
grasping for something
and missing because i can not really tell where it is.
The coughing during dinner,
so that i can not eat any more.
The strain from my eyes
that makes me want to sleep so much.
The tiredness from just doing regular physical work,
though i am still very strong.
All of these things come to mind and i think
how could i subject someone to this,
to be close to me,
to wonder if i am going to die after one of these "things" that happen to me.
I do not want to subject anyone to this
and so i do remain alone.

persons in my life

Those feelings,
come in waves,
they are not emotions,
i am sensing other things,
i do not know.
It is time to move on,
they were apart of me here and now
and they will be apart at another time,
but not anymore.
It is no one who has a blame,
it is how this life works
with death being the final good bye
...or is it?
almost hand in hand with love,
love does not die,
you did not know that?
Here it is corrupted and twisted,
but there,
it does not die.
you have patterns,
so do i.
Are they helpful
or not?
connection remain,
but you do not know.
you walk away and try to turn back,
you want to turn back,
but something interferes.
You and i do not understand,
but we must move on.
It is okay,
we will see each other again.
My mother strokes the back of my head again.

again this strange feeling

i have not learned to live with the other side of my brain,
the one that became active after the surgery,
the one that sees with out seeing,
knows with out knowing.
I am uncomfortable,
something is not right.
There are pieces that are there,
gnawing at my heart.
You say this does not exist?
I can give physical proof
because now i am ambidextrous
and i was only right handed before.
But that feeling that something is not quite right,that i am some how being played,
is strong.
I think i shall with draw until it becomes clear,
but not totally as the last time,
no,
this time i must see things to understand them.

a phone call

i was lost in myself,
something that happens often
and it is not a good thing.
They started with a trauma they experienced today,
it is one that has been going on a long time.
I should know better,
but i opened my mouth for one second.
Then the torrent of anger was spewed toward me.
I understand.
I one day may learn to keep my mouth shut,
for i can not help you.
I can only listen.
You could not take the strange vision from me,
but you wanted to protect me
and that did not turn so well.
Now i would that i could protect you,
but i can not.
I do understand what i happening,
it happened to me.
I could not help my vision,my balance,
my coughing,
nor my difficulty taking in food.
You can not understand why a thief is not being punished,
but it is the same,
for what is here has nothing to do with anything,
nothing.
We learn to accept and continue on,'realizing that our journey here is very, very short.
The only one who will change that,
is not us,
it is God
and it seems for now,
that we are learning more
 with out the situations being changed.
I think i can vouch for that,
for my life has been changed immensely by acceptance.

Strange thoughts

my mind is sometimes too sharp,
notices too much.
Things that people wish were better hidden
and this is why i was so good at my job,
as an investigative analytical chemist (paid as a lab tech though).
Sometimes this makes those around me uncomfortable.
After the operation,
i lost something,
not what i noticed,
but how i was able to express it.
I fail now more than ever,
and it bothers me.
Tests showed i was fine
and in a real sense they are absolutely correct.
i step back and look
and realize that;
there are things i forget,
things i do that i am unaware of,
but i am "seeing" more,
but not with these different eyes,
not the physical ones any way.
Sometimes i feel like i am in a dream,
seeing what is here
and what is not easily measured.
It makes me more perceptive,
but it is more easily obscured by my weaknesses.
My weakness that are child-like,
the "magical" thinking that a child has
to believe things that can not be seen
and, on the darker side,
to believe that some how things going wrong for those around me, are my fault.
(you did not know this about children?, look it up).
It makes it more difficult to separate what is perceived,
from that which is me.
My analytical mind recoils at this,
but life has never been about analysis,
but about emotion and feelings and thoughts and perceptions.
None easily measured.
So i now live in this life,
a different way,
sometimes feeling in the way,
but knowing i am not.
For what i now have i seek to use for good and not myself.

Dark Clouds

They enter our life,
you know what i mean,
you have seen them,
you have felt them.
They come,
blown by some wild wind
that has stirred thing up in your heart.
in my heart as well.
It is not the case for me,
at this moment,
but they will come again.
and when they do,
 it will seem like an eternity that they stay,
but it is not.
They blow away
and calmer winds prevail
and the sun shines brightly on our hearts.

i woke up last night

i was nervous,
i was "wondering",
I leave things where they are
and look to today's light.
What will be,
will be,
i must live my life as i have been called.
Yes, you heard this correctly,
a call,
one that puts me in the middle of life
and one that brings me some where else.
Does anyone understand me
or am i being too cryptic yet again.
This happens when my heart is troubled,
when my way seems unsure.
The preacher on TV does not help,
He is speaking of other things;
i have another path to follow.
I do not think i like where i am at this moment.

Thee was fog yesterday or the day before?
Rain last night and yesterday.
Warmer weather,
loss of motivation.
I can force things to go the way i want,
but that is not my way.
no lies left, only confusion.

living with the past

 My parents and i on vacation, flying, West Texas and Tennessee

i think the past
is encroaching on the present.
I live now,
but those memories,
they flood my heart
and keep my mind at bay!
Where is this coming from?
Why old pictures that i have come across.
Pictures of me, my dad and my mom.
Most so old,
i should not have memories,
but i do
and with those memories,
feelings.
I do not want them to stop
and so they do not.

foreknowledge

Have you ever been correct about something,
that there is no way on this earth to "figure out"?
Without specific information,
but "feelings" to go by?
You ask, "Why is he talking like this?"
I talk this way because it happened just recently.
I did not know the details,
 but i understood the effects.
I guessed at what might occur
and while my guesses were largely wrong,
the one i "felt" was correct.
It is a bit scary, because i have others
and some of them have to do with me.
Other laugh at me
and tell me no one can know these things.
I reply; "this is true" and stay silent on the issue ever again.
Maybe these things are too much for one to carry.
I have seen it in others before and found it comforting to know,
though i was uncomfortable initially.
Well, as a scientist, i know we do not know everything,
that there are many realms we have not explored
and taken measurements.
I accept that we simply do not know everything,
that we can be wrong with what we do know.
I wait and see what will come.

those feelings of unease

they came upon me suddenly,
i was not sure of the source,
for there were several things going on,
clarity eluded me.
In the midst of this unsettleness,
i took a course of action to allow me to see more clearly,
i withdrew.
Not just withdrew from a situation,
but from general contacts;
deactivated my Facebooks account,
turned off my phone.
I needed space, time.
I did not wish to hurt anyone,
but in that unsettled feeling,
i know i might say something that would.
Minimum contact with people,
save for those who have known me for 30 plus years.
I was insulated and could sort out my feelings.
Anger was at one root,
feeling useless at another.
Feeling played, still one more root.
Feeling concerned about a situation was still one more.
They combined, each from a different source,
for a different reason,
to create the monster i was feeling.
Clarity began to occur as another near me,
voiced the same feelings.
Two of the feelings were unimportant,
two were the issue,
but i would not have found out
if i had not withdrawn into my shell.
Strange how that works.

Dreaming again

The garden was beautiful,
green,
green grass,
beautiful bushes loaded with fruit
and a hedge guarding it from any intrusion.
i wandered in peace
gather a few berries to eat;
i needed but a few to satisfy me
and there was peace.
Yes,
i have felt this peace before,
it is exhilarating.
I wanted more
and then i came back and
it was gone
and this world was back.
That was the real world to me,
not this shabby appearance of a world.
Cold and bleak,
with games people playing.
No i do not like this world,
it is this world that is not right.
The other was where i belong.
How few people i can tell!
For so many are afraid i will go to this place and
leave them here,
but here is but such a short time
and there is forever.

snowy day

It is white
and it is cold.
That white stuff keeps coming down
and i feel off course.
No only me,
but the whole world;
those near and far,
tumbling out of control.
Illness did not help.
The snow either,
but the cold,
this is the worse.
It reaches deep,
chilling my very banes,
yet in the house i am warm and dry.
No pictures of this,
though to the eyes,
this blanket of white seems pretty.
How easily are the eyes fooled!
It has now been a year since i retired.
Retired, sounds like i went to sleep!
No, that is not to be
and my life,
even in this cold blanket of white,
is busy.
I want to do still more
and that is the crux of the problem,
because i can not.
I am limited,
but not for trying.
It seems strange that there are some things that still stop me,
cold, so as to speak,
my heart tries, but can not forge ahead.
a little bit at a time
and then i must stop
or my heart would break in two.
Continuing
and then stopping.
The cold is not my friend.