Questions and pondering

for a long time,
i have felt
and seen
and lived
through disappointment
and heartache
and loss,
yet i am still here,
not regretting one moment,
despite the thought that i should have guilt
about something i did
or did not do,
yet i believe in every situation,
there was but one option,
the path i took.
People see
and they judge.
That bothers me,
for they do this from afar
and do not engage me in conversation or dialogue.
i do not talk or try to engage them any more,
for their minds are made up,
without discussion of why.
Yet i am still here
and i am doing well.
I do not hate,
though sometimes i am angry...
i am not bitter for what was,
was
and every moment is precious to me.
That is the loss that others face,
for they have not learned to hold each event
each action
as precious.
It gives peace.

Charon

In Greek mythology, Charon or Kharon (/ˈkɛərɒn/ or /ˈkɛərən/; Greek Χάρων) is the ferryman of Hades who carries souls of the newly deceased across the rivers Styx and Acheron that divided the world of the living from the world of the dead. (Wikipedia).
How many has it been?
I remember the first,
someone close to my soul,
who passed unexpectedly
and then came to me telling me: "To tell everyone i love them. Gotta go, see you!"
I was speechless,
until the call came
and all i could say was "I already know, thank you.".
There was no reason to know, but i did.
Then the animals,
who reached out a paw
or laid their head on my body to say good bye...
Countless times
and each time i knew when they were no longer here,
though separated by place.
The the big one,
a long time best friend of almost 84,
who chose me to be his final companion,
I still did not understand,
yet a painting i did captured it well.

Crossing over - for a friend

Then yet another who became a girl friend the last year of her life...
why me i would ask,
it is a hard thing to be the last person...
one more companion,
who was an animal, seem to say: "see you soon, we can play then."
Is this just my head
and yet i have been the recipient,
for when i was so bad in the hospital,
after i had spent a brief moment on the other side,
there were children who seemed to know me
and some still.
And those who stayed with me until i was well
or what of those who helped me so much with my mom's passing.\,
did they understand?
My dear friend Art,
who wished to go one last time to lunch to a place only he and i knew of...
i expect to see some one there for me,
when my time comes...
I know they will be there.

Sadness

So after 10 years,

the dog we called Licorice is with us no more.

A good dog,

as mean as marshmallow fluff,

but could not go on any more.

She will be remember well,

by all of us humans in her life,

by her sister

and her father...

As a puppy

and full grown!

The start of a day

Many days i begin as one who is thankful of all that has been given,
the weather,
to my liking or not,
for the breath i take,
the friends i have,
the comfort i have been given.
As the day wears on,
i begin to lose myself.
for concerns
and people
and events
make me sad.
i get over it the next day
and in the morning i remember to be thankful.
How hard is this,
it should happen every day,
but it does not...
so i am still a work in progress!

the way it should be

each second,
each moment,
each instant,
is precious for something happens in that little time frame
that is beautiful.
We forget,
get busy,
distracted
or confused
and we miss this.
How can one live life without this?
Everything in this world seems to wish to take any beauty away,
yet it is there whether we see it or not.
I forget some days
and then i remember and wonder what i missed.
How to be thankful?
Remind yourself daily...
to look.

maybe a bit of how i believe, appropriate for Good Friday 2014

The start is as some one who believes Jesus as the Son of God,
but after that i am so far from sometimes even being good - i will try not to ever judge others.

I hold on to something given to me a long time ago,
maybe because i know i have a problem with pride and haughtiness.

Brokenness is being freed from the old and habitual power of self

from the haunting, grasping insecurity that causes us to run from others.

Brokenness releases us from the clutch of fear that grips us in strife and intense defensiveness.  It is God's love manifested through a human soul; its tender compassion make obsolete the cold hard assertion of person or position.

Brokenness is responding in faith when the situation clearly offers defeat;  it is overcoming the hurt and refusing the anger caused by a beloved's insensitivity.

Brokenness requires trust:  it means drawing very close to the Father, trusting that He loves you and is showering His mercy upon you.

Humility loves in the face of unlove.  it empowers us to be self-effacing; it allows us to consider others better than ourselves.

Humility stands defenseless before an accuser, neither needing nor preparing an answer.

Humility does not remonstrate or agitate; it quietly confirms that a man can die to himself.

Humility allows the response of Jesus, the Son of God.  It gives access into powerful and creative suffering

reference reading:  Zephaniah 3:11-13

The Lord Jesus was gentle and humble, despising not people, but sin.  As God's Son He and unfathomed authority and power, yet He was so meek that small children approached him eagerly and fearlessly.  Though we have been given the treasure of Christ, we are human and some of the markings of our humanity are hard-heartedness and pride.  We often esteem ourselves superior, not just to unbelievers, but also to each other.  the Lord, in His tender love, has committed Himself to making us holy, the working in our personalities and lives the godliness that we know in His Son.

okay, so you get a glimpse...

then i mix science with this and things become more unusual...

Yes, i believe in an evolutionary process, with God directing all the way, but then i get into physics...

We have classical physics, which describes what we see, experience and measure and it seems very orderly.

Then we have quantum physics, which describes thing at the sub-atomic level, what we can not see, and it breaks down into probability?

That is amazingly wonderful and tells me, 

for all those who which to put God into some box and limit who He is,

you can not limit God nor can we ever really know Him...

This gets me back to that song that i have to get on MP3 for you.

Isaiah 40:12 - Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?

morning reflections

I have a favorite song that i listen to daily.
It will never be on the radio,
for it comes from a community church i was involved in many years ago.
It is based in an old testament prophet, Isaiah.
the title is "Who has measured the waters in the Hollow of His hand" by the fisherfolk.
It is a song of hope and humility
and i need a daily does of this,
for it reminds me that if   say i understand, i am being fooled.
If i say i know, i am being fooled.
If it is clear, then i am missing something.
This life is not certain,
nor is it clear
and we each try to get trough it the best that we can
and we fail regularly
and that is okay,
we just need to get up and try again.
You can listen to this CD here,
there is no "video", but rather this is from the community of celebration website.

woke up this morning

again my heart was singing!
So many places i have been,
so many people have touched me,
my heart that is.
I lite a candle a few Sundays ago
and grief that had been held in my heart,
rose up and overwhelmed me for a moment
and then was gone.
Holding on so tightly to what was no more,
it felt so go to let it go.
So many have gone away from this life
and yet they remain in my heart.
Letting go is never easy,
but necessary.
A good day indeed
and it is warm here in the Northeast for a third day.
My memory seems to have become weird,
short term is good, maybe great,
Long term (save those few years lost after the operation) is great,
but mid-term, that seems to be developing (or maybe it always was?) holes.
Blogging is sometimes hard,
but this is not.
Yes, there are dark spots in my mind,
but i see good from all of it.
Some actions have not been the best of choices,
but the end result has been for the best.
God still lives, not matter what i think.

Did you know that this is not the complete morning thought i had,
for my heart sings it once and then goes to another tune!

returning

Away for  spell,
where Spring has come,
still cold
and sometimes rainy,
but Spring was definitely arrived.

The Farm
and have pictures to prove it!

My faithful helper went cleaning and weeding

more "free" range chickens

Flowering plum

Angel Garden

Barnyard flock of Guinea Hens

guess who is in charge

dinner time!

weeping cherry

flowering plum

flowering peach tree

flowering apple tree

Hughey, Louey and Daisy!

some goats

Goat in a basket