Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

more reflections of things done

i have been fortunate in this life
for i have walked trails where none has been before
and followed in the footsteps of a thousand others.
I have taken worn paths,
leading to mountain peaks,
of lakes
and old abandoned mines.
i have entered into caves, no one else has been,
or if they had,
there was no sign
and walked in the lighted darkness
of caves open to the public.
Did i say that i had fear in those i believed no one had been?
i did and i am not afraid to say,
but the wonder of it was great.
i found fossils of sea creatures
now found on dry land
and minerals spewed onto the earth,
millions of years past.
I have fished in streams and lakes,
where cold water flowed
and in a deep and green gulf.
I have gone horse back riding,
on the dusty trails of the Big Bend
and taken canoes down a swollen river.
I have slept under the stars,
in a lonely place
and mixed with a million people in the big cities.
I have seen the sad dance of the Cherokee,
reenacting their "Trail of Tears",
for all to see
and walked with an Indian chef,
as a child.
I have huddled in shelter,
hiding from a mighty hurricane
and been blown around in a thunderstorm.
Rivers
and lakes
and oceans have been a playground
and i have swum with the dolphins.
I have enjoyed Spring
and Summer
and Fall,
but rarely winter.
I have saved a child from drowning,
in the crashing waves off St. Louis Pass
and been saved by my own father,
when one cased me off the Galveston Jetty.
I traversed the Rockies,
from Texas to and into Canada,
by car and foot and plane.
I have seen all the national parks,
from the mountains to the East coast,
but never the West coast.
I beheld
and held onto,
the Rocky Mountain's majesty,
but preferred the quiet solitude,
of the Appalachian trail.
I saw the Gulf of Mexico,
from Mexican shores
and ate tortillas from a street side vendor.
I was in the quiet square,
of a sleepy Mexican village
and the bustling market place,
of a boarder town.
Beaches
and Mountains,
Plains
and caves.
Field
and Forest,
I have been,
with eyes wide open
and nostrils wide,
absorbing all they had to give.

reminiscing!

Several times in the past few weeks,
i have been faced with the many things,
 i have done in the past.
I have no regrets,
instead, i am amazed
and others,
who do not know me,
might think i am not telling the truth.
The same look passes on peoples faces,
when i speak of my mom
and the many things she accomplished,
but this is me
and i have witnesses still living.
I have done so many things,
beyond my job,
which was incredible in of it self
and i do not like speaking of it oft'.
It seems like boasting.
I did not start many things,
but rather i was part of many things,
always with others.
A time of giving to those who did not have,
whether clothes or food or shelter.
Being with,
not simply visiting
or even living with
the poor.
Befriending those with mental illnesses
and even inviting them into our home to stay.
Staying with those,
who are living with incurable diseases,
during their last moments of life.
I failed many times,
to live up to my own expectations,
but it seems those were rare.
I bonded with those past their prime of life
and wept when they left this earth.
I tried to give freely of what i had been given,
for all that i had,
was only a gift.
I wept
and laughed
and played
and worked
with all manors of people,
not thinking it was strange.
I failed at times to bond,
to those whose struggles were deeper than i could imagine
and there i have some regrets.
I danced
and i played in this thing we call life
and kept to the background
for i never wanted a spotlight.
I painted and was requested to do more
and i still have a few of my paintings not sold.
i supported a DJ,
with light shows and "effects"
and danced until morning.
I help a friend run a restaurant
and supported another in several other endeavors.
Web designs,
programming,
computers were but simple toys to me
and i did them all.
Do not speak to me of what you do not know,
for all of this was part of my life,
i am satisfied,
though perhaps i am most happy,
about the first stanzas of this post
and none of this was through my main job,
which i will leave for another time.


Thursday, December 25, 2014

LESSONS LEARNED - MERRY CHRISTMAS 2014


Last night i was deep in thought,
for a friend had told me something somewhat troubling.
Today it was mild
and i sat on the porch,
drinking my coffee this Christmas morn.
A patch of deep blue showed in the west
and i was unable to tell if it was a dark rain cloud
or the clear blue sky.
A few moments latter,
my answer was clear,
for the clouds had parted
and a deep blue sky was showing.
It all fit in with what i felt my lessons this year were,
more than this year,
for these lessons started some 6 and one half year previous.
I had one of "those" experiences,
during that operation so many years ago
and it did change me,
especially my perception of all that we see.
For during in the brief moments after i "heard" them say;
"he's not breathing people!",
i experienced peace that i have never known,
before or since.
I felt safe beyond words
and all of my fear left me.
Before,
going into the operation,
I was frightened of dying.
terribly so,
but after it was all gone.
I woke gasping for air
and struggling to live,
leaving that place of peace behind.
And so the first lesson is:
To live is a struggle.
During the weeks that turned to months,
I stayed i stayed in the hospital,
i felt things,
rather than saw,
for my vision was terribly messed up
and so my second and third lesson:
We are all connected, no mater if we know it or not
and
there are people who will stick with you through anything
and there are those who can not.
As i struggled to live and improve,
i saw again, through feeling, rather than sight,
my fourth lesson:
Everything in this world tries to stop us,
from doing good.
As i continued and finally was released,
there were other issues,
the loss of cognition, when an attempt to correct a continuing issue,
went terribly wrong.
Then came my fifth lesson when that problem was fixed:
it is not what we have (even our own health) that is important,
it is our heart.
 More to go, for my adventure was not a short one
and if you call it a corollary to the first five lessons, i will not quibble,
for i learned it is best to be thankful in ALL situations,
especially those i do not like.

My learning was not over,
for too soon after,
my mother passed on
and i was heart-broken,
for we had "plans".
There were many lessons that i learned then
and these were very important.
I did not morn my mom' death because of her,
but because i missed being with her.
To me, i still feel her presence, often,
but i miss the face to face.
It was then i realized that this life is very, very short
and even though science can point it out clearly,
we simply do not realize it,
but what science can not prove,
(for it only deals in what it can measure,
which is not bad, but it can not see everything),
is that there is so much more,
(and i think i can thank Einstein for this,
since energy can neither be created nor destroyed)
and i simply believe:
this life is such an infinitesimally small portion of who we are.
The blue skies that are overhead now,
prove my last point,
even though i can blame my vision for my confusion, the lesson is true:
We see through a glass darkly,
all of us who think we are correct and everyone lese is wrong,
concerning anything,
truly do not know.
There is very little reason to push our point,
for none of us know everything.
And this ends the lessons of my short, incomprehensible life.


Thursday, December 11, 2014

coming to a point

I passed through the rough times
and it was because i fought to leave it.
I have noticed that the gift that was cooking has left
and my food for the last few days is not so good,
but the way out of this is not to fight.
Cooking as i have is a gift,
though many have argued with me
and perhaps i had doubts
but i doubt no more.
When overwhelmed with emotion,
good or bad,
we can lose ourselves
and the struggle is to find our way back to the center.
A very Buddhist thought,
yet i believe it is at the heart of my life as a Christian also.
But to find peace is not something to obtain,
it also is a gift
and can occur at anytime,
in any circumstance.
That is now what i seek,
for in a world always turned upside down,
each of our lives are also affected
and peace can only be my answer.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

echos

i heard the cry in your voice,
it is not loud,
barely a whisper,
yet it returns my heart,
to a place almost 4 years passed.
The grief and pain
are no longer so far in the past,
for your whispers echo in my heart.
loss is never easy,
for the brightest day here,
is still dark.
The vale that separates each side,
seems a bit sheerer
an d a bit closer.
There is no way to take your pain,
for it echos in my heart
and so i share what you feel.
This is not sad,
for the brightness on that other side,
is not dark as some like to believe.
It is not coached in grays,
rather it is this side that is dark
and we simply do not see,
just how bright it is,
by our own greyness.

painting it black and white and forgetting the gray

Today is gloomy and stormy outside,
yet i woke refreshed and clear,
go figure.
We all at times paint thing black or white,
forgetting the various nuances of grays that truly tell the story.
My mind sits and wonders
and today it marvels at the many good things that i have been given.
At the same time I recognize all those things as undeserved,
for i am neither good enough,
nor bad enough,
nor nor have i done anything deserving enough,
for those things that have been given tome,
yet here they are.
So what do I do?
I share as much of the good that i have been given,
in hopes it will lift up some one else.

Monday, December 8, 2014

a difficult day

today was a difficult day...
for me when i start writing here everything wants to come out in simile and metaphors,
 but not at this moment,
I want to stop it.
Remembering a truly frightening time is difficult enough
(the loss of cognition, that i spoke earlier about),
but it was coupled with a funeral of a dear friend's mother
and that brought back the feelings of when my mom passed on.
That was unpleasant.
Then my eyes were giving me fits today,
as they like to do sometimes,
hurting and not letting me focus,
well it did not help.
may be i can burn a bread i am baking
and ruin dinner also!

The anniversary of a touch of madness

we all experience it,
at times.
Some of of us for longer periods
and become "diagnosed".
There has always been lurking that touch at other times,
times of anger,
loss of self control,
grief
and sadness....
emotions that run so deep,
that our mind is no longer presence.
I remember the beginning of December,
another time.
One not caused bu emotion,
but of a medical procedure,
that did not go quite as planned.
6 years ago,
i am aware of no longer being present,
of not knowing any longer,
 how to do simple things.
Of losing my touchstone number,
and not knowing why it was important.
Of friends and doctors seeing me
and not knowing what was going on.
Despite the massive issue,
for i had lost a significant amount of cerebral spinal fluid
and my brain was sunken on the MRI,
and parts of memory were lost.
They looked in on me
and were frightened.
i was to far gone to be frightened,
but even 6 years later,
it disturbs my memory.
A simple procedure brought me back,
undoing a procedure that was to help me a month previous.
All finished,
i woke and remembered,
what i could not have known before.
So this time still messes with my mind,
for i remember when,
 i had a touch of madness.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

morning or stories of myself

i must admit,
i am at times a bit feisty.
Some times with others,
but most of the time with myself.
and all the things i go through.
There are times i want to just stop,
throw up my hands
and give up,
but i do not.
That in of itself,
amazes me.
I am never bored,
as i have heard from so many others.
i am constantly amazed by the things i DO see...
a pair of cardinals in a tree,
the birds eating the red berries in my tree;
the mocking bird sharing the same.
I think of the darkness in this world
and my heart grows faint,
but then there is so much more light,
so much more
and that lifts me.
It is cold out today
and so not so nice,
yet the birds are there,
making their presence known...
or maybe they are just presents?