to all who read this:
have a safe and wonderful new year!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
more reflections of things done
i
have been fortunate in this life
for
i have walked trails where none has been before
and
followed in the footsteps of a thousand others.
I
have taken worn paths,
leading
to mountain peaks,
of
lakes
and
old abandoned mines.
i have
entered into caves, no one else has been,
or
if they had,
there
was no sign
and
walked in the lighted darkness
of
caves open to the public.
Did
i say that i had fear in those i believed no one had been?
i
did and i am not afraid to say,
but
the wonder of it was great.
i
found fossils of sea creatures
now
found on dry land
and
minerals spewed onto the earth,
millions
of years past.
I
have fished in streams and lakes,
where
cold water flowed
and
in a deep and green gulf.
I
have gone horse back riding,
on the
dusty trails of the Big Bend
and
taken canoes down a swollen river.
I
have slept under the stars,
in
a lonely place
and
mixed with a million people in the big cities.
I
have seen the sad dance of the Cherokee,
reenacting
their "Trail of Tears",
for
all to see
and
walked with an Indian chef,
as
a child.
I
have huddled in shelter,
hiding
from a mighty hurricane
and
been blown around in a thunderstorm.
Rivers
and
lakes
and
oceans have been a playground
and
i have swum with the dolphins.
I
have enjoyed Spring
and
Summer
and
Fall,
but
rarely winter.
I
have saved a child from drowning,
in
the crashing waves off St. Louis Pass
and
been saved by my own father,
when
one cased me off the Galveston Jetty.
I
traversed the Rockies,
from
Texas to and into Canada,
by car
and foot and plane.
I
have seen all the national parks,
from
the mountains to the East coast,
but
never the West coast.
I
beheld
and
held onto,
the
Rocky Mountain's majesty,
but
preferred the quiet solitude,
of
the Appalachian trail.
I
saw the Gulf of Mexico,
from
Mexican shores
and
ate tortillas from a street side vendor.
I
was in the quiet square,
of
a sleepy Mexican village
and
the bustling market place,
of
a boarder town.
Beaches
and
Mountains,
Plains
and
caves.
Field
and
Forest,
I
have been,
with
eyes wide open
and
nostrils wide,
absorbing all they had to give.
reminiscing!
Several times in the past few weeks,
i have been faced with the many things,
i have done in the past.
I have no regrets,
instead, i am amazed
and others,
who do not know me,
might think i am not telling the truth.
The same look passes on peoples faces,
when i speak of my mom
and the many things she accomplished,
but this is me
and i have witnesses still living.
I have done so many things,
beyond my job,
which was incredible in of it self
and i do not like speaking of it oft'.
It seems like boasting.
I did not start many things,
but rather i was part of many things,
always with others.
A time of giving to those who did not have,
whether clothes or food or shelter.
Being with,
not simply visiting
or even living with
the poor.
Befriending those with mental illnesses
and even inviting them into our home to stay.
Staying with those,
who are living with incurable diseases,
during their last moments of life.
I failed many times,
to live up to my own expectations,
but it seems those were rare.
I bonded with those past their prime of life
and wept when they left this earth.
I tried to give freely of what i had been given,
for all that i had,
was only a gift.
I wept
and laughed
and played
and worked
with all manors of people,
not thinking it was strange.
I failed at times to bond,
to those whose struggles were deeper than i could imagine
and there i have some regrets.
I danced
and i played in this thing we call life
and kept to the background
for i never wanted a spotlight.
I painted and was requested to do more
and i still have a few of my paintings not sold.
i supported a DJ,
with light shows and "effects"
and danced until morning.
I help a friend run a restaurant
and supported another in several other endeavors.
Web designs,
programming,
computers were but simple toys to me
and i did them all.
Do not speak to me of what you do not know,
for all of this was part of my life,
i am satisfied,
though perhaps i am most happy,
about the first stanzas of this post
and none of this was through my main job,
which i will leave for another time.
i have been faced with the many things,
i have done in the past.
I have no regrets,
instead, i am amazed
and others,
who do not know me,
might think i am not telling the truth.
The same look passes on peoples faces,
when i speak of my mom
and the many things she accomplished,
but this is me
and i have witnesses still living.
I have done so many things,
beyond my job,
which was incredible in of it self
and i do not like speaking of it oft'.
It seems like boasting.
I did not start many things,
but rather i was part of many things,
always with others.
A time of giving to those who did not have,
whether clothes or food or shelter.
Being with,
not simply visiting
or even living with
the poor.
Befriending those with mental illnesses
and even inviting them into our home to stay.
Staying with those,
who are living with incurable diseases,
during their last moments of life.
I failed many times,
to live up to my own expectations,
but it seems those were rare.
I bonded with those past their prime of life
and wept when they left this earth.
I tried to give freely of what i had been given,
for all that i had,
was only a gift.
I wept
and laughed
and played
and worked
with all manors of people,
not thinking it was strange.
I failed at times to bond,
to those whose struggles were deeper than i could imagine
and there i have some regrets.
I danced
and i played in this thing we call life
and kept to the background
for i never wanted a spotlight.
I painted and was requested to do more
and i still have a few of my paintings not sold.
i supported a DJ,
with light shows and "effects"
and danced until morning.
I help a friend run a restaurant
and supported another in several other endeavors.
Web designs,
programming,
computers were but simple toys to me
and i did them all.
Do not speak to me of what you do not know,
for all of this was part of my life,
i am satisfied,
though perhaps i am most happy,
about the first stanzas of this post
and none of this was through my main job,
which i will leave for another time.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
LESSONS LEARNED - MERRY CHRISTMAS 2014
Last
night i was deep in thought,
for
a friend had told me something somewhat troubling.
Today
it was mild
and
i sat on the porch,
drinking
my coffee this Christmas morn.
A
patch of deep blue showed in the west
and
i was unable to tell if it was a dark rain cloud
or
the clear blue sky.
A
few moments latter,
my
answer was clear,
for
the clouds had parted
and
a deep blue sky was showing.
It
all fit in with what i felt my lessons this year were,
more
than this year,
for
these lessons started some 6 and one half year previous.
I
had one of "those" experiences,
during
that operation so many years ago
and
it did change me,
especially
my perception of all that we see.
For
during in the brief moments after i "heard" them say;
"he's
not breathing people!",
i
experienced peace that i have never known,
before
or since.
I
felt safe beyond words
and
all of my fear left me.
Before,
going
into the operation,
I
was frightened of dying.
terribly
so,
but
after it was all gone.
I
woke gasping for air
and
struggling to live,
leaving
that place of peace behind.
And
so the first lesson is:
To
live is a struggle.
During
the weeks that turned to months,
I
stayed i stayed in the hospital,
i
felt things,
rather
than saw,
for
my vision was terribly messed up
and
so my second and third lesson:
We
are all connected, no mater if we know it or not
and
there
are people who will stick with you through anything
and
there are those who can not.
As
i struggled to live and improve,
i
saw again, through feeling, rather than sight,
my
fourth lesson:
Everything
in this world tries to stop us,
from
doing good.
As
i continued and finally was released,
there
were other issues,
the
loss of cognition, when an attempt to correct a continuing issue,
went
terribly wrong.
Then
came my fifth lesson when that problem was fixed:
it
is not what we have (even our own health) that is important,
it
is our heart.
More to go, for my adventure was not a short
one
and
if you call it a corollary to the first five lessons, i will not quibble,
for
i learned it is best to be thankful in ALL situations,
especially
those i do not like.
My
learning was not over,
for
too soon after,
my
mother passed on
and
i was heart-broken,
for
we had "plans".
There
were many lessons that i learned then
and
these were very important.
I
did not morn my mom' death because of her,
but
because i missed being with her.
To
me, i still feel her presence, often,
but
i miss the face to face.
It
was then i realized that this life is very, very short
and
even though science can point it out clearly,
we
simply do not realize it,
but
what science can not prove,
(for
it only deals in what it can measure,
which
is not bad, but it can not see everything),
is
that there is so much more,
(and
i think i can thank Einstein for this,
since
energy can neither be created nor destroyed)
and
i simply believe:
this
life is such an infinitesimally small portion of who we are.
The
blue skies that are overhead now,
prove
my last point,
even
though i can blame my vision for my confusion, the lesson is true:
We
see through a glass darkly,
all
of us who think we are correct and everyone lese is wrong,
concerning
anything,
truly
do not know.
There
is very little reason to push our point,
for
none of us know everything.
And
this ends the lessons of my short, incomprehensible life.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
coming to a point
I passed through the rough times
and it was because i fought to leave it.
I have noticed that the gift that was cooking has left
and my food for the last few days is not so good,
but the way out of this is not to fight.
Cooking as i have is a gift,
though many have argued with me
and perhaps i had doubts
but i doubt no more.
When overwhelmed with emotion,
good or bad,
we can lose ourselves
and the struggle is to find our way back to the center.
A very Buddhist thought,
yet i believe it is at the heart of my life as a Christian also.
But to find peace is not something to obtain,
it also is a gift
and can occur at anytime,
in any circumstance.
That is now what i seek,
for in a world always turned upside down,
each of our lives are also affected
and peace can only be my answer.
and it was because i fought to leave it.
I have noticed that the gift that was cooking has left
and my food for the last few days is not so good,
but the way out of this is not to fight.
Cooking as i have is a gift,
though many have argued with me
and perhaps i had doubts
but i doubt no more.
When overwhelmed with emotion,
good or bad,
we can lose ourselves
and the struggle is to find our way back to the center.
A very Buddhist thought,
yet i believe it is at the heart of my life as a Christian also.
But to find peace is not something to obtain,
it also is a gift
and can occur at anytime,
in any circumstance.
That is now what i seek,
for in a world always turned upside down,
each of our lives are also affected
and peace can only be my answer.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
echos
i heard the cry in your voice,
it is not loud,
barely a whisper,
yet it returns my heart,
to a place almost 4 years passed.
The grief and pain
are no longer so far in the past,
for your whispers echo in my heart.
loss is never easy,
for the brightest day here,
is still dark.
The vale that separates each side,
seems a bit sheerer
an d a bit closer.
There is no way to take your pain,
for it echos in my heart
and so i share what you feel.
This is not sad,
for the brightness on that other side,
is not dark as some like to believe.
It is not coached in grays,
rather it is this side that is dark
and we simply do not see,
just how bright it is,
by our own greyness.
it is not loud,
barely a whisper,
yet it returns my heart,
to a place almost 4 years passed.
The grief and pain
are no longer so far in the past,
for your whispers echo in my heart.
loss is never easy,
for the brightest day here,
is still dark.
The vale that separates each side,
seems a bit sheerer
an d a bit closer.
There is no way to take your pain,
for it echos in my heart
and so i share what you feel.
This is not sad,
for the brightness on that other side,
is not dark as some like to believe.
It is not coached in grays,
rather it is this side that is dark
and we simply do not see,
just how bright it is,
by our own greyness.
painting it black and white and forgetting the gray
Today is gloomy and stormy outside,
yet i woke refreshed and clear,
go figure.
We all at times paint thing black or white,
forgetting the various nuances of grays that truly tell the story.
My mind sits and wonders
and today it marvels at the many good things that i have been given.
At the same time I recognize all those things as undeserved,
for i am neither good enough,
nor bad enough,
nor nor have i done anything deserving enough,
for those things that have been given tome,
yet here they are.
So what do I do?
I share as much of the good that i have been given,
in hopes it will lift up some one else.
yet i woke refreshed and clear,
go figure.
We all at times paint thing black or white,
forgetting the various nuances of grays that truly tell the story.
My mind sits and wonders
and today it marvels at the many good things that i have been given.
At the same time I recognize all those things as undeserved,
for i am neither good enough,
nor bad enough,
nor nor have i done anything deserving enough,
for those things that have been given tome,
yet here they are.
So what do I do?
I share as much of the good that i have been given,
in hopes it will lift up some one else.
Monday, December 8, 2014
a difficult day
today was a difficult day...
for me when i start writing here everything wants to come out in simile and metaphors,
but not at this moment,
I want to stop it.
Remembering a truly frightening time is difficult enough
(the loss of cognition, that i spoke earlier about),
but it was coupled with a funeral of a dear friend's mother
and that brought back the feelings of when my mom passed on.
That was unpleasant.
Then my eyes were giving me fits today,
as they like to do sometimes,
hurting and not letting me focus,
well it did not help.
may be i can burn a bread i am baking
and ruin dinner also!
for me when i start writing here everything wants to come out in simile and metaphors,
but not at this moment,
I want to stop it.
Remembering a truly frightening time is difficult enough
(the loss of cognition, that i spoke earlier about),
but it was coupled with a funeral of a dear friend's mother
and that brought back the feelings of when my mom passed on.
That was unpleasant.
Then my eyes were giving me fits today,
as they like to do sometimes,
hurting and not letting me focus,
well it did not help.
may be i can burn a bread i am baking
and ruin dinner also!
The anniversary of a touch of madness
we all experience it,
at times.
Some of of us for longer periods
and become "diagnosed".
There has always been lurking that touch at other times,
times of anger,
loss of self control,
grief
and sadness....
emotions that run so deep,
that our mind is no longer presence.
I remember the beginning of December,
another time.
One not caused bu emotion,
but of a medical procedure,
that did not go quite as planned.
6 years ago,
i am aware of no longer being present,
of not knowing any longer,
how to do simple things.
Of losing my touchstone number,
and not knowing why it was important.
Of friends and doctors seeing me
and not knowing what was going on.
Despite the massive issue,
for i had lost a significant amount of cerebral spinal fluid
and my brain was sunken on the MRI,
and parts of memory were lost.
They looked in on me
and were frightened.
i was to far gone to be frightened,
but even 6 years later,
it disturbs my memory.
A simple procedure brought me back,
undoing a procedure that was to help me a month previous.
All finished,
i woke and remembered,
what i could not have known before.
So this time still messes with my mind,
for i remember when,
i had a touch of madness.
at times.
Some of of us for longer periods
and become "diagnosed".
There has always been lurking that touch at other times,
times of anger,
loss of self control,
grief
and sadness....
emotions that run so deep,
that our mind is no longer presence.
I remember the beginning of December,
another time.
One not caused bu emotion,
but of a medical procedure,
that did not go quite as planned.
6 years ago,
i am aware of no longer being present,
of not knowing any longer,
how to do simple things.
Of losing my touchstone number,
and not knowing why it was important.
Of friends and doctors seeing me
and not knowing what was going on.
Despite the massive issue,
for i had lost a significant amount of cerebral spinal fluid
and my brain was sunken on the MRI,
and parts of memory were lost.
They looked in on me
and were frightened.
i was to far gone to be frightened,
but even 6 years later,
it disturbs my memory.
A simple procedure brought me back,
undoing a procedure that was to help me a month previous.
All finished,
i woke and remembered,
what i could not have known before.
So this time still messes with my mind,
for i remember when,
i had a touch of madness.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
morning or stories of myself
i must admit,
i am at times a bit feisty.
Some times with others,
but most of the time with myself.
and all the things i go through.
There are times i want to just stop,
throw up my hands
and give up,
but i do not.
That in of itself,
amazes me.
I am never bored,
as i have heard from so many others.
i am constantly amazed by the things i DO see...
a pair of cardinals in a tree,
the birds eating the red berries in my tree;
the mocking bird sharing the same.
I think of the darkness in this world
and my heart grows faint,
but then there is so much more light,
so much more
and that lifts me.
It is cold out today
and so not so nice,
yet the birds are there,
making their presence known...
or maybe they are just presents?
i am at times a bit feisty.
Some times with others,
but most of the time with myself.
and all the things i go through.
There are times i want to just stop,
throw up my hands
and give up,
but i do not.
That in of itself,
amazes me.
I am never bored,
as i have heard from so many others.
i am constantly amazed by the things i DO see...
a pair of cardinals in a tree,
the birds eating the red berries in my tree;
the mocking bird sharing the same.
I think of the darkness in this world
and my heart grows faint,
but then there is so much more light,
so much more
and that lifts me.
It is cold out today
and so not so nice,
yet the birds are there,
making their presence known...
or maybe they are just presents?
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