Tuesday, August 19, 2014

it is more than time

yes,
i have found peace,
for every one of us fails,
every one of us makes mistakes.
I almost let my old self get lost,
in confusion
and turmoil,
but no more.
No person can,
nor has the right to change
who we are,
only we can do that,.
So i hid for awhile,
did you notice?
I have stopped hiding,
does that make you uncomfortable?
There should be no fear,
on your part,
for i mean nothing concerning you,
it is only me that has returned.
Our place is to let it go
and not hold on.
i walk free,
but you do not?
Do you still hold on,
to what you can not change?
Life is here to live
and to love
and to enjoy,
let no dark cloud destroy that.
Move on.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

returning to peace

The rains and wind came,
just as "they" said it would.
It was comforting,
for the morning came
and light grey skies greeted me.
i shuffled down the stairs,
for my first cup of coffee
and sat out side,
watching.
Dreams last night,
people who are close,
together someplace wonderful
and safe.
My cat,
the one who passed some 6 years ago,
while i was struggling for my life in the hospital,
was there
and i still love him.
Struggles,
yes,
they are here.
The good we do,
the bad,
i have no rational for either.
They happen,
they exist.
we make them happen,
but i prefer the good
and struggle with the bad.
i want a reason, a justification,
for why,
there is not.
It just is
and i must let it all go.
and that is when i find peace
and the storm is no longer terrifying,
but only a part of life.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

A Summer's Ending

Chilly nights,
cool mornings
and warm afternoons,
mark the beginning of August,
in New England.
I am unused to this,
August should be hot,
but not in New England
and indeed,
the trees begin to tell me,
it is not in my mind.
a small splash of color,
on one leaf.
This is all I need to see.


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Awe and Glory

sometimes words just do not work,
some times thought is not enough.
I could explain all of the science behind the colors and light,
but would it help?
Sit back and enjoy!

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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

I have been watching carefully

Carefully i watch
and study
and make observations.
That creative side,
does not want to be in contact,
with the coarser,
less emotional,
analytic side.
When i try to "figure" things out,
it retreats to a safe distance.
I can not blend them,
i feel sad about that.
It comes out,
as soon as the processing gives up
and needs a break.
The heart then,
is stronger than the mind,
but the mind is a bully.
To observe
and feel,
is the heart's job,
but the mind is to observe
and calculate.
They do not mix.
There is death with the one,
which does not feel
and life with the other.
They have struck a bargain,
they share my life,
the mountains and valleys,
one to lead the way,
the other to experience the hope,
that this life has,
for the mind does not see hope,
only problems
and the heart always hopes.

Friday, July 25, 2014

A Time To Die Or Not

a descriptive narrative of my operation

The problems had become increasingly unbearable,
the sharp, 20 second burst of pain over my left eye.
They left me unable to do anything,
for those long twenty seconds.
They came with almost no warning
and I was a danger while driving,
but sometimes I was able to pull over,
before the sharpness caused my eyes to shut.
On a date,
it became so bad
and scared the person i was with.
A doctors visit,
a can scan,
a referral,
another doctor,
an MRI
and then the news,
a tumor,
pressing against my brain stem,
this is what caused the aches.
It had to come out,
but in 2 weeks.
I was frightened,
as never before.
Frightened of death,
though that was not foretold by the second doctor.
He would remove it
and i would be okay.
A few days of double vision,
maybe some nausea
and a couple of weeks in the hospital.
Back to work in a month at the most.



My fear paralyzed me,
but i could not give it voice.
My friends did not know what to do,
we went to a psychic,
who told me time was not yet.
I felt relieved,
until they handed me that waiver,
before the operation.
In black and white in said that i could die during the procedure.
I was, yet again, in fear.
The anesthesiologist came
and i counted backwards from 10,
then blackness.
Time passed,
but i was unaware.
I hear a voice,
"He's not breathing people!".
An urgency was there
and i found myself in a peaceful place,
surrounded by love,
without pain.
It was timeless
and there was no fear.
I wake,
coughing,
sit up not able to breath correctly.
Something in my lung.
I cough and reach up and find a tube entering my mouth.
I pull it out,
gasping
and choking
and coughing.
A frantic person in a surgical gown,
tries to reason with me,
tries to stop me
and then the anesthesiologist,
injects me again,
i sleep without dreams.

Another awakening,
fuzzy,
I am not coherent.
My mom and some number of friends are there,
but consciousness fades.
Again, i awake,
in a darkened room,
with machines tied to me.
There is pain,
i am alone except for two doctors yelling at each other,
about something thinks the other did wrong,
but it is not about me.
Pain, light, shadow,
all assail me
and i struggle,
not knowing why.
That other place was so wonderful,
beyond words,
but i no longer have time for that.
My site begins to clear,
but it is double.
Everything i see is replicated over itself,
i still can not truly see.
A few days, not weeks, go by
and i am out of ICU,
but still not well.

My head is swollen
and there are poundings in the back of my head,
where they cut me.
My vision,
confused at best,
still doubles the images.
I can not walk,
I can not stand.
Someone must be with me for all activities,
i have no modesty and do not care.
I cough and can not properly swallow.

Days turn to weeks,
weeks into months.
Daily or twice therapy
or was more than one,
teaching me to stand
and to walk
and to see with a patch covering one eye.
I am able to get a lap top
and i am surprised when i remember pass words.

Two months and then they let me go.
I still can not walk with  out a cane,
my head is still swollen.
I aspirate my food often,
but i told them i was okay
or they would still,
have kept me.
One more time under the knife, to help drain the fluid.
This was quick and painless,
not like before.
The swelling goes,
but time passes and i lose one more thing,
cognition.
I can not remember how to cook a turkey,
fix a bed,
my passwords are gone
and i begin to lose myself.
A fall,
a woman sceams,
a fire truck,
a gentle paramedic
are all that i remember
and more time in that white walled place,
thoughts and memories are blurred,
vague images of doctors and nurses.
Now under the knife again to shut off what allowed the swelling to drain.
I wake up me again,
knowing who i am,
but not fully knowing what has happened.
I am awake,
but much is gone,
there are at least two years erased from memory,
maybe more.
I meet people,
who i do not know.
People tell me of things that i have done
and the recollection is not there.
Places I have been from before that,
I remember,
but those two years are simply gone.

Now slowly i recover
and soon go back to work,
only part-time.
It has been 9 months
and i still do not have the energy.
The adventure never ends,
for this is what i call it.
It is not negative, but positive,
for I still remember the place of peace and quiet
and there is no more fear now.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

when "I don't know" is a great answer

Still nervous,
again.
The Doctors office has a new appointment,
quickly.
Questions race through my mind,
If it was nothing, why so soon?
The doctor is the one whom i am most nervous about,
he did the operation some 6 years ago.
He was the one with all the answers,
not necessarily the correct ones,
but the ones that made me feel safe,
but he did remove the tumor
and for that i am grateful.
He looks at me
and he listens.
He then checks my gait
and is stumped.
He says; "I am the one who is supposed to tell you, this is what is wrong
and this is what I need to do to fix it."
"I see what you are complaining about,
but I do not know,
I do not know what is causing this.
I need to consult with others to see what we do form here."
He was visibly upset,
i was not.
So relieved that he did not know,
that he would seek an answer because of this,
i am relieved beyond words.

i can wait and I am happy.