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Born a Texan, but traveled the US extensively.  Now staying on the East coast.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

progress

in the past,
i thought i knew what suffering was.
i was mistaken.
in the past,
i thought i understood what troubles are.
i was without understanding.
Then things happened
and i experienced some.
I then thought i had suffered enough,
but that was my pride,
because i did not understand.
Then i thought i had enough troubles,
but i was mistaken,
for i looked only to myself
and not to this world,
not seeing what others suffered.
Now i see better,
tho i will never say enough.
Oh, i truly did suffer,
but it was only a small taste,
of what this world has to offer.
Indeed,
i had and still have troubles,
but not that much,
only a small morsel...

A friend told me once:
"i cried because i had no shoes
and then i saw a man with no feet"

i think i am beginning to understand.


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

it is Spring again


bleeding heart
my support
 and despite the chilly morning,
the flowers say it is staying this time.

and beside me with every step is my cane,
not to support some ailing limb,
but to keep me from toppling over
from my lack of balance.
This allows me to enjoy these flowers!
unknown? phlox?
flowering cherry trees

Lilacs











Sunday, April 24, 2016

no more fear

we have been frightened,
for far too long,
by what for's
and what if's
and other such nonsense,
the mind plays on our hearts.
An answer though,
always has meaning
and provides us with a new starting point,
far away from all of those fears.
Answers found,
in a book,
a person
or a kiss?
It all depends on what our hearts are afraid of.
fear is the enemy,
let us start anew.

further explanation is needed

I understand confusion.
I understand the Confusion i have presented.
Brain trauma,
such as what i experienced twice 7 years ago,
is the cause,
not something new.
As i have struggled to make sense of my life,
after the situation
- oh, for those who do not follow,
the removal of a tumor in my brain,
pressing against my brain stem.
It is gone,
but i have struggled to make sense of the physical issues,
the operation left me with.
It is time now to deal with the issues the next procedure caused.
A shunt,
placed to remove excess cerebral spinal fluid,
which accumulated at the site of the operation,
kept working after its job was done.
For one month, I continued on,
unchecked by a doctor,
until i fell
and in the hospital,
they sought answers.
When they shut off that shunt
and "I" returned,
there were things missing,
memory,
but it was partial loss,
not total.
The first knowledge I had was not remembering my passwords.
The second was more traumatic,
for someone came to me claiming they knew me in the hospital
and i had no recollection
and they went away in tears.
The third caught me off guard,
for I had returned to work
and a state inspector came,
telling me it had been three years since our last inspection.
I argued with him saying it had been five,
but then looked it up,
in a written file
and there,
in black and white was the date,
three years past.
I was still making sense of my vision
and balance
and pain
and so did not dwell on it,
but it still haunts me.
Every so often,
I find things that are simply gone
and i have trouble dealing with that
and dates.
I found answers,
for the Mayo clinic defines what i have well.
Amnesia
There is no ongoing problem,
it all occurred back then
and now i get to get a handle on this.
I look forward to this next past of my adventure.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

the why of looking at loss

I have been surprised,
way too many times lately,
when i find that blank spot in my memory,
of things that i should know,
but it is blank.
i now understand,
that these will not come back,
but are gone forever.
What does that say to me?
I have choices,
I can wallow in the despair that this loss brings me
or i can decide to learn again
The doctors have determined,
that the damage that was done,
is over,
but they can not see memory,
only how my brain functions now.
So, I can look at this in a positive,
exhilarating light
or not.
I like the challenge,
i like to learn.
I am not going to stop because,
what i once knew,
is no longer there.
I will relearn
and put my effort forward,
not backward.

Brain trauma sucks the big one,
but it does not have to remain so.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

understanding loss

i remember the surprise in my heart,
the first time i realized that "things" were gone.
Not unlike when some one breaks into your home and robs,
but this was my memory.
The doctors did tests,
but found nothing wrong,
but there was.
People look at you with strange eyes,
when you do not know them,
but not all of them.
Things do not make sense,
for there is no way of knowing,
what is lost.
Friends expect,
but you do not meet that expectation.
It is not their fault,
it is not mine.
Things that are gone,
are simply gone.
Do not ask me to code in COBOL, FORTRAN or PASCAL,
tho i once knew them well.
Dates are confusing,
even for the operation.
I learn again,
what i have forgotten.
It is not relearned,
for it is new to me.
Have patience i ask,
that is all i ask.

Friday, April 8, 2016

how i present myself

some times,
here,
in this blog,
which is a special place...
for me,
I share all of my deep struggles with this "adventure of mine".
People reading may or may not think i am whining.
Maybe I am,
but it is only here,
for when i am out and about,
despite the cane,
i apparently do not present as a person with much of a problem.
Yesterday,
with a close friend,
I had one of those episodes that define my struggle
and there are several.
A small piece of food gets stuck in the esophagus,
causing my salivary glands to go into over dive
and i start to spit up...what ever.
For me it is embarrassing,
for them...a reminder that i am not well still,
but otherwise they forget and
have told me so, often.
So despite any whining here,
in real life,
that is not what i do.
I think i am better for it.