Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Multiple things

Today, i realized that i was using my right hand more than i have in the past 7 years.
For a significant time after the operation, i was ambidextrous.
This spoke to me more about which side of my brain is also predominate
and it tells me why i have been having so much trouble finding peace.
That other side is my emotional, spiritual and spontaneous side.
It has gotten me in trouble before, but if both sides coexist there is less of an issue with "trouble".

he second part is concerning the current "political" topic of marriage equality.
I try to stay out of such things, but kept wanting to respond in a strong way to certain view points.
I am not "gay", but i congratulated others who were, this is a legal hurtle that will help them.

Then i was convicted about how i wanted to respond to others, because it never is about others, it is about what God does in our life.

I was drawn to 2 statements in a series that i try to live by.
The first is:
Humility loves in the face of unlove.  It empowers us to be self-effacing; it allows us to consider others better than ourselves.
and
Humility does not remonstrate or agitate; it quietly confirms a man can die to himself.

The final is the second great commandment Jesus spoke of - to love our neighbors as our selves.

This does not allow for my desire to strike out at anyone, for any reason.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

the questions that come

I am working in the garden,
before the big rains come,
that have been predicted.
They have yet to be correct,
but i pull weeds
and harvest my crops.
My first tomato,
more lettuce,
Swiss chard
and dill weed.
The garden is full of aromatics:
dill,
cilantro,
basil,
fennel,
mint,
oregano,
rosemary
and flowers.
Each fill my nostrils
with their delectable aroma
and today was dills turn.
As my head is filled,
with the aroma of freshly picked dill,
my heart calms again.
My mind slows
and my thoughts are calm.
"What is it that i am having so much trouble with?"
Is it coming back from that place of ultimate rest?
Or is it the struggles,
that occur daily,
just to continue on?
I have no complete answer,
but believe it is a bit of both.
I let the aroma of the dill overwhelm my senses
and leave the question alone,
becoming lost the the deliciousness,
that the dill brings to me.

Friday, June 26, 2015

removing me

I swear,
i have tried to close down
and leave this place,
but "things" keep holding me back..
It is not people,
okay some what,
because I can't quite take care of my self,
on my own,
but no one seems to believe that.
I know though,
it is not a ride.
not the company,
but being there when i fall
and how often i fall!
There are a never ending series,
of doctor appointments,
that i must keep.
Then there is just being tired,
from one moment
to the next.
It takes energy to move
and some times i do not have the strength of will.
They try to tell me that were i want to go,
will be no better,
yet i know that "there",
i have purpose
and "here" i am floundering.
So i guess i should remove the me
and move on.

Monday, June 15, 2015

lessons of the past

I am having the deep lessons,
that occurred after my operation,
come back to me
and they are bringing with them assurances and comfort.
The question is did i die or not
on that operating table?
When i heard the surgeon say "he's not breathing people!",
I was above my body, not in it
and then for a short time,
which felt like forever,
there was peace,
so deep,
so restful,
i did not want to leave.
I came back to the struggles of living,
gasping and choking
and struggling to be alive.
I struggled to return to "normal" for the next 3 months
and then a second procedure left me in a state of "unawareness".
Still one more procedure brought me back ...
and the struggle for recovery went on.
The lessons were many,
from never fearing death again,
to realizing that my pride and arrogance had been broken,
but there were more.
I was aware that this life is short,
immeasurably short
and it is filled with struggle and pain.
I learned to like the Buddhist philosophy for that reason,
but it was echoed in my own Christianity,
but forgotten by many.
I wandered not knowing my purpose,
but slowly finding it,
but that is not the topic here.
We are all connected,
even if we do not want to be,
with each other.
That this world seems to be bent on hiding those connections,
so we do not sense them.
That it is kindness,
even if it is only for a moment,
that matters.
Finally, that every one of us will be surprised when we get to the other side.
For we can not imagine what it is like here.
Those were the lessons
and they are before me in my heart
as i seek God daily in my life.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

my words

the ones i speak,
that is,
can be confused and bewildering,
running the gamut for obscure to directionless.
Yet i speak them,  trying to convey my heart.
hiding amidst words that have not meaning,
are those that do.
the listener must be careful and attentive
or else they will be missed.
There is always emotion,
but it does not always wish to be seen.
So i speak in rhyme and riddle,
without meaning to,
to remain hidden.
My written word is not so hidden,
more flowery
and yet the motions become raw
and exposed,
yet i feel safe.
welcome to my world!

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

tomorrows presentation

A Short break
The remainder of this and some of the last chapter may be a bit sketchy and confused for a tumor was discovered pressing against my brain stem.  While I obviously survived the operation, the various complications that occurred during and after the surgery left me with many memory gaps and physical issues.  The hospital stay was almost two months and after 7 more months at home, I returned to work, but only part time.  I struggled to perform the work that was once easy and it took me a year and a half to work a full day.  My hands shook when pouring liquids, I had issues seeing properly (for I now had severe diplopia) with poor balance and no depth perception.  I was exhausted constantly, but found the best time for me was early in the morning and so my boss let me come in very early.  This caused some distress to my co-worker, but that did not matter.  I came in early and left early.  I broke instruments, glassware and myself trying to come back and after an additional three years of constant struggle, I retired.
Closing Down
The operation and recovery had messed with my memory, my eyesight, and my balance.  An additional procedure messed with my cognitive function for about a month, but that not only recovered, but became stronger.  The issues with memory, eyesight and balance did not recover.  New ways of thinking and ways to approach problems were born.  While new things opened up, something else died, for I knew I would need to leave this job soon, but there was one more challenge for me to face in the lab.

Monday, May 25, 2015

clouds in my glasses

Oh what fun I have!
The slightest smudge
or particle of dust
or drop of water or grease
or just about anything else,
creates a myriad of affects
in the images i see.
Movement to the side of my focus
of a leaf
or a branch
or a bird,
create the feeling of persons next to me.
I look and there is no one there.
reflections o the side of my glasses are even more fun.
I compensate by listening,
but i am fooled often.
A star at night is a line,
not a point.
i could become upset with all of this,
but it is actually quite fun.
I am never alone,
accompanied by all of these ghosts
and angels
and none ever hurt me.