Saturday, May 23, 2015

been away, back i am back and what that means

my time away was extended, due to unforeseen and events that could not be planned for.
I am reminded by questions and observations of others,
that i live differently than most.
For while i am away,
i am physically working,
carrying,
hauling,
cleaning,
panting.
I garden  and weed.
I am more active than at home.
My winter weight disappears and I sweat profusely.
My health improves, so that my blood sugar and bleed pressure is good, without the meds i take here.
here, i manage a house and bills and all that stress related financial stuff.
I do none of that there.
So, is it a vacation?
yes, but an active one and this is the life i chose.
A younger person was amazed by my activity and questioned me.,
but i chose a different life a long time ago.
A Christian/Spiritual community where work is also prayer and so what conflict is there for me...
I have heard from too many retirees saying that they are bored.
The life i chose promise that i will never be so
and for this i am thankful.

Monday, April 27, 2015

lessons, once learned, then forgotten, now remembered

How many of us think we will live forever?
Not one in rational thought,
but all of us in our daily actions.
We see the immediate
and respond.
For years,
as i was becoming accustom to the things i lacked,
when learning to be thankful despite all of it,
i was very aware of how short like is,
for all of us
and i do believe it goes on after.
The point is not being afraid of what comes at us,
now,
for this life is never very kind.
The difficulties and challenges that we face today,
will be gone tomorrow.
I am okay with this.

Friday, April 24, 2015

cold again

Not like before,
not like in February,
when the relentless blowing cold,
brought the strongest New Englander,
to their knees.
This came with sounds and fight,
as they were cannon and mortar.
It destroyed the peace of the Spring,
that brought flowers and green,
bees and birds
and warmth to my soul.
My plants that stayed inside all winter,
had been brought out to enjoy the warmth,
were hurriedly brought back in.
Green and the other colors of spring,
will now wait again to restart.
This cold got to my bones
and so i sit inside,
waiting for Spring to come again.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

it took a bit to digest

At this point i have not written about the doctor visit that had me so nervous..
there were things i needed to discuss and hope to understand.
A while back i had one incident which concerned me...
I was walking over a small gully and i looked down to ensure that i would have my footing correct.
the problem was that when i looked down, i did not recognize what i was seeing...for a moment, but the fact that i was unable to recognize grass for a moment struck me.
I also realized this happen a lot, but for only micro moment so that i do not usually notice it.
it happened when i change the direction of my focus.
I was hoping for a quick "fix"...information that would help me immediately.
what i got was direction and more doctor visits...did i tell you i hate doctor visits...
first step is to get the neurophycologist report from September, then to get them to the doctor i saw, the neurologist and another doctor who has helped me in other matters in this adventure of mine.
Am i happy?
No!
i want all of this over,
every fiber of my being wants it to end!
but i am not done yet.
A small break and will pursue this next path...
and this is my story.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

one of THOSE days

The kind you know all about,
a major doctor appointment,
with a great doctor,
who takes care of mt vision,
that was so jumbled,
by the head trauma of my operation.
I have no cause to be nervous,
but...
i am.
Pacing
and not waiting very well,
for the person who will come with me.
I always have some one come with me now.
It is a distance
abd i need help.
they will distract me
and make sure i am okay.
time to go.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

living with restrictions

It has almost been seven years,
since they dug into the back of my head,
to remove that nasty tumor.
The trauma and consequences,
still ring freshly in my mind.
There are so many things that i can no longer do,
but it does not mean there are not more that i can.
Disable,
handicapped,
those leave a bitter taste on my tongue.
Restricted,
that seems better.
It is like my eyesight,
it is not poor,
it is different...
i see like a cross-eyed cat
or sometimes i like the analogy to a spider,
whose eyes give them eight images,
that they can not put together.
The lack of balance,
so that i mostly use a cane to keep myself from falling,
still allows a fall...
or two within a week.
I get around,
walking as much as the weather permits,
cooking,
doings "things"
and writing,
oh how i love writing,
as much as i enjoyed reading...before.
A dark cloud passes over my face,
because reading is now hard
and even painful to my eyes.
This passes for there is much more for me to do,
that i can still do
and creativity is foremost on my mind.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Still not writing that much

but i have been busy with lots to do.
The writer's workshop is today and i have some kinks to work out in the final chapters of my memoirs on work.
This has been exciting for me to write and i have gotten a lot of good feedback from the group, many who are published (but i guess i am also, since i have published scientific papers, but this is different).
Distractions and things that i have to do, warm weather, then cold...you would think the warm weather would not be a distraction, but it means i get to work in my garden, which is a major passion!
the cold, rainy weather we have now is just putting a dampener on everything, especially my emotions, but it will be over soon.
well another bit written and now i go on!