Tuesday, March 31, 2015

observations though a day

The morning,
snowy and cold,
numbed my mine.
Not again,
for it came down in a torrent,
but only for a while.
darkness and snow,
though the sun was up,
but unseen.
I waited,
did things that need done
and wasted the rest of the morning.
For no reason,
my eyes strayed to the door,
the clouds had parted
and the sun came out.
Still cold,
i rushed,
as best as i can rush now,
to open the door.
the birds were singing!
The cold of what was the morning,
was gone.
Still a chill in the air,
though past noon,
i ventured out.
The sun dispelled the remaining clouds
and i laughed.
i could feel the Spring,
for the first time.
The snow of morning had gone
and most of the old snow,
from a bitter February,
was also melting.
The garden. long unattended,
beckoned me
and so I cleaned.
i could feel the sap in the tree,
begin to waken,
bringing slight color to the branches,
life to what looked dead.
This is the season, isn't it?
The season we all celebrate,
life coming from what appeared dead.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Strange thoughts

What to do when we face the extinction of "ME".
for ages (almost 7 years now), 
i thought i was the only one,
not knowing, 
what was coming around each corner,
struggling each day,
just to be.
oh, so very slowly,
i recognized, 
that each of us goes though the same struggle,
every day.
Each of us is given a choice:
to live or
to give up.
i have seen many people, 
who still live today,
but gave up 
and are dead inside.
I have not given up,
but some days i am overwhelmed
and want to.
I have not though
and so each morning, 
brings a promise,
of something better,
Not yesterday
or tomorrow,
but only for today.
it is for only now,
that the promise is given.
I am okay with that.

Just a taste - ready for spring

Thursday, March 26, 2015

funny stuff

Years ago, from a Jewish co-worker, I learned to like Matzos.
yes, that makes me strange, but not funny, but...
I have 2 dogs that at times are very particular about what they eat, yet now that i brought Matzos in the house for me to eat, they are begging for a taste ...all the time.  Are they Jewish?

More fun because it was over 40 for 2 days in a row and there is a light rain and i am feeling like gardening, but not out side yet.  I have a small, but very effective greenhouse window and that is how i start seeds.
Basil, parsley, Italian hot peppers and then came my finale, ghost peppers.
Yes, i like things hot.  My Indian friends say i am the only white person they know who can keep up with the spice that use and that includes the heat!
Mistake one - I handled the seeds my hand.
mistake two - after washing my hands, i had lunch - a sandwich and the heat was still there...so not touching my eyes!
mistake three - I breath in while planting the seeds and began a coughing fit because of the level of heat.
I never do learn, do i?
Otherwise things are doing okay.
I have been going to a writing group at the church I attend on Wednesdays and am almost finished my memoir about the time working.
then i will look for a place to publish it.
It has been an exciting journey going through my tattered memory and finding the gems that made my work enjoyable.

Monday, March 23, 2015

the best time of my life

The struggles have been real.
The issues of health are ever present,
yet I would not change this time in my life for any other.
I have lived
and done so much,
yet it is at this time,
I am at peace.
The struggle continues within,
yet I have satisfaction.
Have a wonderful day,
for I have no more to say.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

coming down (or is it up) from rest

Coming back after being on kind of a retreat was hard,
but the week became so busy, in such a short time that i felt my head was spinning.
Now we have snow again and it allows me to quiet again,
but this time i have internet,
so i get around to blogging!
It seems that i do less talking, than singing here
and so very few know what is really going on in my life any more.
I think i want it that way, speaking in a somewhat cryptic voice allows me to be freer in my expression, but not today.
Most of us the the northeast US are sick and tired of the cold, the snow and this relentless winter that started in earnest in late January.
We should be thankful that it did not start in October as I remember it doing so when I first moved here.
I have forgotten to be thankful and i blame the weather...
There is always more because i was away and loving the early Spring just a few hours south of us.
The weather patterns have changed, though most do not want to acknowledge it.
It affects our moods, but many handle it better than i.
Doctor appointment coming, normal and typical of my life now, but i am not that happy about them any way.
I still have panic attacks where i think i can not breath, they are in my mind, not my body.  I think they are me remembering what happened on the operating table so many years ago, almost 7.
Anniversaries of remembrance have come and gone - my mom's passing, my dad's birthday, but the hardest one was of the last time i saw her alive, just before her death.
Strange how our minds work, how we remember things and what becomes good and what remains difficult.
I am still writing my memoir of my time at work.  When finished, i will seek to publish it.
enough rambling for now.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

on returning

i leave the hustle and bustle
and the connectedness of this life every so often...
to find life and living again.
The travel to
and fro is strenuous,
but the rewards of being away
are beyond measure.
There is work,
there is always work,
but they are the kind that we can live in.
Being back but only a few days,
i feel that i am missing it again.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

i have to wonder about me

I have been quite,
too quite.
The cold
and snow
and ice,
freeze my heart
and so words do not come tumbling out.
They strain to take form
as if in a state of suspended animation
or hibernation.
I am witnessing wondrous things inside,
where it remains warm.
Fruit on a citrus tree,
mocks the piled up snow.
Flowers on a plant,
i have known as an impatient,
blooms profusely,
as does a geranium.
Other citrus seedlings are popping out
and will become more trees,
defying the climate out side.
It is hard for me to go any where.
My blood freezes just looking out the door
and though the house is warm,
i feel a chill in my bones.
i now see fee people
and that makes me unhappy.
There are those that rescue me
and for that i am grateful.
This does not last forever
and soon will be but a faded memory,
washed away by green growing plants,
colors and scents of flowers
and people no longer rushing passed,
but lingering to chat awhile.