Thursday, July 24, 2014

when "I don't know" is a great answer

Still nervous,
again.
The Doctors office has a new appointment,
quickly.
Questions race through my mind,
If it was nothing, why so soon?
The doctor is the one whom i am most nervous about,
he did the operation some 6 years ago.
He was the one with all the answers,
not necessarily the correct ones,
but the ones that made me feel safe,
but he did remove the tumor
and for that i am grateful.
He looks at me
and he listens.
He then checks my gait
and is stumped.
He says; "I am the one who is supposed to tell you, this is what is wrong
and this is what I need to do to fix it."
"I see what you are complaining about,
but I do not know,
I do not know what is causing this.
I need to consult with others to see what we do form here."
He was visibly upset,
i was not.
So relieved that he did not know,
that he would seek an answer because of this,
i am relieved beyond words.

i can wait and I am happy.


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

a gift to give

She had been by before,
looking at what was in the garden.
She had run quickly away,
not understanding what I said,
fearing i would be angry.
Today she was there again
and i held out some fresh mint
and she understood.
She spoke a broken creole,
so i would not understand her desires,
but i could see in her eyes.
fennel, mint, cilantro which had gone to seed and basil,
all were offered
and she then blessed me,
i am good with that.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A chance encounter

A situation that looked bleak,
she left at the beginning of my trauma,
maybe she could not deal,
but she left when I need someone like her the most.
Years later,
a chance meeting,
showed how angry I still was,
it was after my mother's passing and
she asked after my mother.
She who had inadvertently left
my mom to fend for herself,
when she left me.
More years pass,
I do not carry the anger
and I hear that she is not doing well,
I think only good things,
wishing her the best in my heart.
almost 6 years now
and we met again
and I am kind,
wishing her well,
face to face.
no animosity,
no anger,
only wanting the best.
Reconciliation?
I will take it.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Next

No news is good news?
How about a comedy of errors resulting in no doctor appointment is no news...
Is this good or not?
Reschedule for some future date,
but computers are down so
I can not know yet.
I compounded the issue by having the wrong time down ...
from the beginning.
It just makes my case strong...
there is something wrong,
but what is it?
To be continued...

Sunday, July 20, 2014

what it is

I walk,
wobbling and swaying,
not like some toy duck,
but as a drunken sailor,
walking the deck of a boat,
tossed by a rough storm,
but i have had nothing to drink.
My head hurts in a number of places,
each adding to the dismay that growths in my heart.
The doctors have found no cause,
from their tests and MRIs.
No cause for alarm,
yet the very problems cause me alarm.
I wonder how much longer I can go on...
The hurt,
the vision,
causing confusion.
I try shutting my eyes,
but the pain remains
So is this my vision
or something else.
My heart grows fearful,
I seem to lose hope
and strength of will
and then regains its calm.
I still see beauty in this world,
though darkness seems to want to demolish what is left.
Flowers bloom,
babies laugh
and the sun shines,
so brightness exists
and i am good with that.


Thursday, July 17, 2014

traces of fear

fear is not what you think,
it is not the knock in a dark night.
it is not the mindless hysteria,
wrote by things not known.
Fear is what i know,
that all those things we breath,
all those "good" foods we ingest,
still have the same or worse
than all the mindless statements,
made by persons who wish to rally an unknown cause,
yet it is only to line their own pockets.
That product shipped and consumed
for persons who believe it has a seal that is beyond question.
The same solvent found in those products was
used for years when people felt decaf coffee was best for them.
The bacteria and viruses that only now we discover
cause lingering illnesses and cancers,
we once thought were due to stress.
Those "chemicals" we breath
and drink
and consume
are there because someone,
wanted to line their pocket,
 with the quickest way to get rich.
I have lived
and worked
and handled
things far worse than all of these

and i still live.

that thief is gone

it is sad to say,
but fear quenched my heart for a time.
I believe it is open again
for words are sprouting
like new seeds in fertile ground.
I think,
i feel
and then words come tumbling out.
Like a boat that has loosed itself from its moorings,
in a rocky sea,
in stormy weather,.
Floating and gyrating wildly
as waves tear at its bow.
frozen inside,
my heart failed to speak
and now the storm has passed,
finds itself far out to sea.
It is still rocking uncomfortably,
for the swells are large,
the storm is calmer,
but not over.
I can sing again,
It is funny how fear steals our voice,
our song.
We make fast a sail,
on a mast that is not broken
and head for home.