Friday, April 24, 2015

cold again

Not like before,
not like in February,
when the relentless blowing cold,
brought the strongest New Englander,
to their knees.
This came with sounds and fight,
as they were cannon and mortar.
It destroyed the peace of the Spring,
that brought flowers and green,
bees and birds
and warmth to my soul.
My plants that stayed inside all winter,
had been brought out to enjoy the warmth,
were hurriedly brought back in.
Green and the other colors of spring,
will now wait again to restart.
This cold got to my bones
and so i sit inside,
waiting for Spring to come again.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

it took a bit to digest

At this point i have not written about the doctor visit that had me so nervous..
there were things i needed to discuss and hope to understand.
A while back i had one incident which concerned me...
I was walking over a small gully and i looked down to ensure that i would have my footing correct.
the problem was that when i looked down, i did not recognize what i was seeing...for a moment, but the fact that i was unable to recognize grass for a moment struck me.
I also realized this happen a lot, but for only micro moment so that i do not usually notice it.
it happened when i change the direction of my focus.
I was hoping for a quick "fix"...information that would help me immediately.
what i got was direction and more doctor visits...did i tell you i hate doctor visits...
first step is to get the neurophycologist report from September, then to get them to the doctor i saw, the neurologist and another doctor who has helped me in other matters in this adventure of mine.
Am i happy?
No!
i want all of this over,
every fiber of my being wants it to end!
but i am not done yet.
A small break and will pursue this next path...
and this is my story.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

one of THOSE days

The kind you know all about,
a major doctor appointment,
with a great doctor,
who takes care of mt vision,
that was so jumbled,
by the head trauma of my operation.
I have no cause to be nervous,
but...
i am.
Pacing
and not waiting very well,
for the person who will come with me.
I always have some one come with me now.
It is a distance
abd i need help.
they will distract me
and make sure i am okay.
time to go.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

living with restrictions

It has almost been seven years,
since they dug into the back of my head,
to remove that nasty tumor.
The trauma and consequences,
still ring freshly in my mind.
There are so many things that i can no longer do,
but it does not mean there are not more that i can.
Disable,
handicapped,
those leave a bitter taste on my tongue.
Restricted,
that seems better.
It is like my eyesight,
it is not poor,
it is different...
i see like a cross-eyed cat
or sometimes i like the analogy to a spider,
whose eyes give them eight images,
that they can not put together.
The lack of balance,
so that i mostly use a cane to keep myself from falling,
still allows a fall...
or two within a week.
I get around,
walking as much as the weather permits,
cooking,
doings "things"
and writing,
oh how i love writing,
as much as i enjoyed reading...before.
A dark cloud passes over my face,
because reading is now hard
and even painful to my eyes.
This passes for there is much more for me to do,
that i can still do
and creativity is foremost on my mind.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Still not writing that much

but i have been busy with lots to do.
The writer's workshop is today and i have some kinks to work out in the final chapters of my memoirs on work.
This has been exciting for me to write and i have gotten a lot of good feedback from the group, many who are published (but i guess i am also, since i have published scientific papers, but this is different).
Distractions and things that i have to do, warm weather, then cold...you would think the warm weather would not be a distraction, but it means i get to work in my garden, which is a major passion!
the cold, rainy weather we have now is just putting a dampener on everything, especially my emotions, but it will be over soon.
well another bit written and now i go on!

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

observations though a day

The morning,
snowy and cold,
numbed my mine.
Not again,
for it came down in a torrent,
but only for a while.
darkness and snow,
though the sun was up,
but unseen.
I waited,
did things that need done
and wasted the rest of the morning.
For no reason,
my eyes strayed to the door,
the clouds had parted
and the sun came out.
Still cold,
i rushed,
as best as i can rush now,
to open the door.
the birds were singing!
The cold of what was the morning,
was gone.
Still a chill in the air,
though past noon,
i ventured out.
The sun dispelled the remaining clouds
and i laughed.
i could feel the Spring,
for the first time.
The snow of morning had gone
and most of the old snow,
from a bitter February,
was also melting.
The garden. long unattended,
beckoned me
and so I cleaned.
i could feel the sap in the tree,
begin to waken,
bringing slight color to the branches,
life to what looked dead.
This is the season, isn't it?
The season we all celebrate,
life coming from what appeared dead.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Strange thoughts

What to do when we face the extinction of "ME".
for ages (almost 7 years now), 
i thought i was the only one,
not knowing, 
what was coming around each corner,
struggling each day,
just to be.
Slowly,
oh, so very slowly,
i recognized, 
that each of us goes though the same struggle,
every day.
Each of us is given a choice:
to live or
to give up.
i have seen many people, 
who still live today,
but gave up 
and are dead inside.
I have not given up,
but some days i am overwhelmed
and want to.
I have not though
and so each morning, 
brings a promise,
of something better,
today.
Not yesterday
or tomorrow,
but only for today.
Actually, 
it is for only now,
that the promise is given.
I am okay with that.

Just a taste - ready for spring