Thursday, December 11, 2014

coming to a point

I passed through the rough times
and it was because i fought to leave it.
I have noticed that the gift that was cooking has left
and my food for the last few days is not so good,
but the way out of this is not to fight.
Cooking as i have is a gift,
though many have argued with me
and perhaps i had doubts
but i doubt no more.
When overwhelmed with emotion,
good or bad,
we can lose ourselves
and the struggle is to find our way back to the center.
A very Buddhist thought,
yet i believe it is at the heart of my life as a Christian also.
But to find peace is not something to obtain,
it also is a gift
and can occur at anytime,
in any circumstance.
That is now what i seek,
for in a world always turned upside down,
each of our lives are also affected
and peace can only be my answer.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

echos

i heard the cry in your voice,
it is not loud,
barely a whisper,
yet it returns my heart,
to a place almost 4 years passed.
The grief and pain
are no longer so far in the past,
for your whispers echo in my heart.
loss is never easy,
for the brightest day here,
is still dark.
The vale that separates each side,
seems a bit sheerer
an d a bit closer.
There is no way to take your pain,
for it echos in my heart
and so i share what you feel.
This is not sad,
for the brightness on that other side,
is not dark as some like to believe.
It is not coached in grays,
rather it is this side that is dark
and we simply do not see,
just how bright it is,
by our own greyness.

painting it black and white and forgetting the gray

Today is gloomy and stormy outside,
yet i woke refreshed and clear,
go figure.
We all at times paint thing black or white,
forgetting the various nuances of grays that truly tell the story.
My mind sits and wonders
and today it marvels at the many good things that i have been given.
At the same time I recognize all those things as undeserved,
for i am neither good enough,
nor bad enough,
nor nor have i done anything deserving enough,
for those things that have been given tome,
yet here they are.
So what do I do?
I share as much of the good that i have been given,
in hopes it will lift up some one else.

Monday, December 8, 2014

a difficult day

today was a difficult day...
for me when i start writing here everything wants to come out in simile and metaphors,
 but not at this moment,
I want to stop it.
Remembering a truly frightening time is difficult enough
(the loss of cognition, that i spoke earlier about),
but it was coupled with a funeral of a dear friend's mother
and that brought back the feelings of when my mom passed on.
That was unpleasant.
Then my eyes were giving me fits today,
as they like to do sometimes,
hurting and not letting me focus,
well it did not help.
may be i can burn a bread i am baking
and ruin dinner also!

The anniversary of a touch of madness

we all experience it,
at times.
Some of of us for longer periods
and become "diagnosed".
There has always been lurking that touch at other times,
times of anger,
loss of self control,
grief
and sadness....
emotions that run so deep,
that our mind is no longer presence.
I remember the beginning of December,
another time.
One not caused bu emotion,
but of a medical procedure,
that did not go quite as planned.
6 years ago,
i am aware of no longer being present,
of not knowing any longer,
 how to do simple things.
Of losing my touchstone number,
and not knowing why it was important.
Of friends and doctors seeing me
and not knowing what was going on.
Despite the massive issue,
for i had lost a significant amount of cerebral spinal fluid
and my brain was sunken on the MRI,
and parts of memory were lost.
They looked in on me
and were frightened.
i was to far gone to be frightened,
but even 6 years later,
it disturbs my memory.
A simple procedure brought me back,
undoing a procedure that was to help me a month previous.
All finished,
i woke and remembered,
what i could not have known before.
So this time still messes with my mind,
for i remember when,
 i had a touch of madness.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

morning or stories of myself

i must admit,
i am at times a bit feisty.
Some times with others,
but most of the time with myself.
and all the things i go through.
There are times i want to just stop,
throw up my hands
and give up,
but i do not.
That in of itself,
amazes me.
I am never bored,
as i have heard from so many others.
i am constantly amazed by the things i DO see...
a pair of cardinals in a tree,
the birds eating the red berries in my tree;
the mocking bird sharing the same.
I think of the darkness in this world
and my heart grows faint,
but then there is so much more light,
so much more
and that lifts me.
It is cold out today
and so not so nice,
yet the birds are there,
making their presence known...
or maybe they are just presents?

Friday, November 28, 2014

Thanksgiving night

Wisps of snow fell,
but none stuck.
A cold wind swept our area,
making the fire seem warmer.
Dark and white,
that was pretty,
but not as much as the festivities inside...
laughing,
drinking,
still eating,
like some feast of old.
Sadness was there,
for companions will soon lose their mother,
like so many of us before.
We do not take away that pain,
nor suffer them to hide their grief,
but just be with them,
as they are,
tonight.