Monday, September 15, 2014

mixed feelings

Yesterday morning,
brought back clear memories of the past.
The crisp, sunny morning brought me to places,
from a long time ago.
The air smelled of mountain freshness,
tho we are in a city
and i could only remember the times with my parents,
in the New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana mountains,
next to a rushing stream.
It was fresh and chilly then also,
but it was July or even August when we were there.
A fresh caught fish for breakfast,
a nearby lake,
lake in the mountains
but how long ago?
It seems ages...
A shiver brings me back to reality,
it is cold to me now
and the crisp air and my shiver,
makes me remember that winter is coming,
a season i dislike.
For me winter is cold,
i said that already,
and harsh
and i must live indoors to keep my self warm.
Bright memories have turned to foreboding,
forgetting the past
and forgetting that between now and winter,
is my favorite season,
Autumn with all its bright,
shinning colors.
Mix feeling indeed!

Friday, September 5, 2014

Garden visitor

At this moment,
the garden is full of flowers,
but from the herbs i have,
not from the flowering plants.
They are not as "pretty" as the others,
but apparently,
delicious.

Someone i had not seen before,
visited
and enjoyed an afternoon snack.
He (she?) was feasting on the cinnamon basil in full flower!
I think this mosquito hawk,
everyone else knows them as dragonflies,
but the eat quite a few time their weight in mosquitoes
and because of them,
i have not been bitten once!

Monday, September 1, 2014

failed Dreams

I have felt that i have been complaining too much,
that my heart is not settled in the things that have happened
and so,
I explore my heart.
I am surprised by what i find,
for there are a long series of failed dreams,
from the very big,
to the very simple.
There is nothing wrong with dreams not coming to pass.
There is something wrong with holding on to them.
I did enumerate them in my heart,
but they are too many to write down.
To hold on to something that is not possible,
is to become morose,
sulking,
complaining
and even to a level of comatose.
To allow then to go is freeing,
allowing joy 
and the possibility of new dreams.
I choose the later.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

walking through life

often i hear:
"You're retired???"
as if they can not believe it
and more often than not,
it is followed with yet another question;
"Aren't you bored???"
I am not bored
and i am retired,
because i con no longer do the work i was able to before.
tho this is my answer,
there is more,
there is always more,
life is NOT so simple.
I stopped working because my sight
and my balance caused mistakes
and accidents,
none were serious,
yet, they could have been.
In my estimation,
I was a danger to my self and those around me,
but not because of any illness.
It was the nature of my work
and what i handled
and what i had to do on a routine basis
and how my eyes and balance affected all of this.
When i walk,
i find my best efforts happen,
when i set my sights on a goal far away.
I may stumble because of a crack in the walk,
but i have a place and a goal to go to.
It is like that with each day.
My life is not filled with routine,
but rather a series of goals.
I rest often
and that in of itself,
is a goal.
When i do not start with a goal,
i wander aimless,
until i set a goal.
The goals are simple,
clean a garden,
pick the fruits of the garden,
decide how i will use them for dinner that night.
A walk is a goal,
with surprise encounters along the way.
Laundry and even fixing my bed are goals.
i do not have high expectations,
yet each accomplishment is important.
Talking to people,
sharing the things i have been given,
are in of themselves,
a goal worthy of a king.
No, I am not bored
and each moment carries an expectation of success.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

how it goes

I often wonder how i go,
from one day to the next.
My eyes burn,
the sockets holding them hurt,
the vision from them gets me confused
and i wonder about the struggles of life...
i do not have it bad,
i am often reminded
and yet it ,
that is life,
is still a struggle.
And i struggle
and maybe the answer.
I am not lying still,
waiting from it all to end.
I will not give up.
Every moment of everyday,
i find a way to continue on.
It is not only with life,
that i struggle,
but with my heart.
My heart sees things it does not like,
in me and at times in others.
My heart struggles to remain free
and i let it.
So i take my tired,
odd seeing eyes
and i look
and i see...
the beauty of a single cloud,
in an otherwise cloudless sky.
The butterfly,
flitting among the honey bees,
gathering nectar,
and the flowers that still come,
despite my bumbling ramblings in the garden.
There is much beauty
and i struggle still,
though i am tired,
i no longer see my end in sight.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

it is more than time

yes,
i have found peace,
for every one of us fails,
every one of us makes mistakes.
I almost let my old self get lost,
in confusion
and turmoil,
but no more.
No person can,
nor has the right to change
who we are,
only we can do that,.
So i hid for awhile,
did you notice?
I have stopped hiding,
does that make you uncomfortable?
There should be no fear,
on your part,
for i mean nothing concerning you,
it is only me that has returned.
Our place is to let it go
and not hold on.
i walk free,
but you do not?
Do you still hold on,
to what you can not change?
Life is here to live
and to love
and to enjoy,
let no dark cloud destroy that.
Move on.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

returning to peace

The rains and wind came,
just as "they" said it would.
It was comforting,
for the morning came
and light grey skies greeted me.
i shuffled down the stairs,
for my first cup of coffee
and sat out side,
watching.
Dreams last night,
people who are close,
together someplace wonderful
and safe.
My cat,
the one who passed some 6 years ago,
while i was struggling for my life in the hospital,
was there
and i still love him.
Struggles,
yes,
they are here.
The good we do,
the bad,
i have no rational for either.
They happen,
they exist.
we make them happen,
but i prefer the good
and struggle with the bad.
i want a reason, a justification,
for why,
there is not.
It just is
and i must let it all go.
and that is when i find peace
and the storm is no longer terrifying,
but only a part of life.