Friday, July 25, 2014

A Time To Die Or Not

a descriptive narrative of my operation

The problems had become increasingly unbearable,
the sharp, 20 second burst of pain over my left eye.
They left me unable to do anything,
for those long twenty seconds.
They came with almost no warning
and I was a danger while driving,
but sometimes I was able to pull over,
before the sharpness caused my eyes to shut.
On a date,
it became so bad
and scared the person i was with.
A doctors visit,
a can scan,
a referral,
another doctor,
an MRI
and then the news,
a tumor,
pressing against my brain stem,
this is what caused the aches.
It had to come out,
but in 2 weeks.
I was frightened,
as never before.
Frightened of death,
though that was not foretold by the second doctor.
He would remove it
and i would be okay.
A few days of double vision,
maybe some nausea
and a couple of weeks in the hospital.
Back to work in a month at the most.



My fear paralyzed me,
but i could not give it voice.
My friends did not know what to do,
we went to a psychic,
who told me time was not yet.
I felt relieved,
until they handed me that waiver,
before the operation.
In black and white in said that i could die during the procedure.
I was, yet again, in fear.
The anesthesiologist came
and i counted backwards from 10,
then blackness.
Time passed,
but i was unaware.
I hear a voice,
"He's not breathing people!".
An urgency was there
and i found myself in a peaceful place,
surrounded by love,
without pain.
It was timeless
and there was no fear.
I wake,
coughing,
sit up not able to breath correctly.
Something in my lung.
I cough and reach up and find a tube entering my mouth.
I pull it out,
gasping
and choking
and coughing.
A frantic person in a surgical gown,
tries to reason with me,
tries to stop me
and then the anesthesiologist,
injects me again,
i sleep without dreams.

Another awakening,
fuzzy,
I am not coherent.
My mom and some number of friends are there,
but consciousness fades.
Again, i awake,
in a darkened room,
with machines tied to me.
There is pain,
i am alone except for two doctors yelling at each other,
about something thinks the other did wrong,
but it is not about me.
Pain, light, shadow,
all assail me
and i struggle,
not knowing why.
That other place was so wonderful,
beyond words,
but i no longer have time for that.
My site begins to clear,
but it is double.
Everything i see is replicated over itself,
i still can not truly see.
A few days, not weeks, go by
and i am out of ICU,
but still not well.

My head is swollen
and there are poundings in the back of my head,
where they cut me.
My vision,
confused at best,
still doubles the images.
I can not walk,
I can not stand.
Someone must be with me for all activities,
i have no modesty and do not care.
I cough and can not properly swallow.

Days turn to weeks,
weeks into months.
Daily or twice therapy
or was more than one,
teaching me to stand
and to walk
and to see with a patch covering one eye.
I am able to get a lap top
and i am surprised when i remember pass words.

Two months and then they let me go.
I still can not walk with  out a cane,
my head is still swollen.
I aspirate my food often,
but i told them i was okay
or they would still,
have kept me.
One more time under the knife, to help drain the fluid.
This was quick and painless,
not like before.
The swelling goes,
but time passes and i lose one more thing,
cognition.
I can not remember how to cook a turkey,
fix a bed,
my passwords are gone
and i begin to lose myself.
A fall,
a woman sceams,
a fire truck,
a gentle paramedic
are all that i remember
and more time in that white walled place,
thoughts and memories are blurred,
vague images of doctors and nurses.
Now under the knife again to shut off what allowed the swelling to drain.
I wake up me again,
knowing who i am,
but not fully knowing what has happened.
I am awake,
but much is gone,
there are at least two years erased from memory,
maybe more.
I meet people,
who i do not know.
People tell me of things that i have done
and the recollection is not there.
Places I have been from before that,
I remember,
but those two years are simply gone.

Now slowly i recover
and soon go back to work,
only part-time.
It has been 9 months
and i still do not have the energy.
The adventure never ends,
for this is what i call it.
It is not negative, but positive,
for I still remember the place of peace and quiet
and there is no more fear now.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

when "I don't know" is a great answer

Still nervous,
again.
The Doctors office has a new appointment,
quickly.
Questions race through my mind,
If it was nothing, why so soon?
The doctor is the one whom i am most nervous about,
he did the operation some 6 years ago.
He was the one with all the answers,
not necessarily the correct ones,
but the ones that made me feel safe,
but he did remove the tumor
and for that i am grateful.
He looks at me
and he listens.
He then checks my gait
and is stumped.
He says; "I am the one who is supposed to tell you, this is what is wrong
and this is what I need to do to fix it."
"I see what you are complaining about,
but I do not know,
I do not know what is causing this.
I need to consult with others to see what we do form here."
He was visibly upset,
i was not.
So relieved that he did not know,
that he would seek an answer because of this,
i am relieved beyond words.

i can wait and I am happy.


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

a gift to give

She had been by before,
looking at what was in the garden.
She had run quickly away,
not understanding what I said,
fearing i would be angry.
Today she was there again
and i held out some fresh mint
and she understood.
She spoke a broken creole,
so i would not understand her desires,
but i could see in her eyes.
fennel, mint, cilantro which had gone to seed and basil,
all were offered
and she then blessed me,
i am good with that.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A chance encounter

A situation that looked bleak,
she left at the beginning of my trauma,
maybe she could not deal,
but she left when I need someone like her the most.
Years later,
a chance meeting,
showed how angry I still was,
it was after my mother's passing and
she asked after my mother.
She who had inadvertently left
my mom to fend for herself,
when she left me.
More years pass,
I do not carry the anger
and I hear that she is not doing well,
I think only good things,
wishing her the best in my heart.
almost 6 years now
and we met again
and I am kind,
wishing her well,
face to face.
no animosity,
no anger,
only wanting the best.
Reconciliation?
I will take it.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Next

No news is good news?
How about a comedy of errors resulting in no doctor appointment is no news...
Is this good or not?
Reschedule for some future date,
but computers are down so
I can not know yet.
I compounded the issue by having the wrong time down ...
from the beginning.
It just makes my case strong...
there is something wrong,
but what is it?
To be continued...

Sunday, July 20, 2014

what it is

I walk,
wobbling and swaying,
not like some toy duck,
but as a drunken sailor,
walking the deck of a boat,
tossed by a rough storm,
but i have had nothing to drink.
My head hurts in a number of places,
each adding to the dismay that growths in my heart.
The doctors have found no cause,
from their tests and MRIs.
No cause for alarm,
yet the very problems cause me alarm.
I wonder how much longer I can go on...
The hurt,
the vision,
causing confusion.
I try shutting my eyes,
but the pain remains
So is this my vision
or something else.
My heart grows fearful,
I seem to lose hope
and strength of will
and then regains its calm.
I still see beauty in this world,
though darkness seems to want to demolish what is left.
Flowers bloom,
babies laugh
and the sun shines,
so brightness exists
and i am good with that.


Thursday, July 17, 2014

traces of fear

fear is not what you think,
it is not the knock in a dark night.
it is not the mindless hysteria,
wrote by things not known.
Fear is what i know,
that all those things we breath,
all those "good" foods we ingest,
still have the same or worse
than all the mindless statements,
made by persons who wish to rally an unknown cause,
yet it is only to line their own pockets.
That product shipped and consumed
for persons who believe it has a seal that is beyond question.
The same solvent found in those products was
used for years when people felt decaf coffee was best for them.
The bacteria and viruses that only now we discover
cause lingering illnesses and cancers,
we once thought were due to stress.
Those "chemicals" we breath
and drink
and consume
are there because someone,
wanted to line their pocket,
 with the quickest way to get rich.
I have lived
and worked
and handled
things far worse than all of these

and i still live.