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Born a Texan, but traveled the US extensively.  Now staying on the East coast.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Ugly Duckling

This is going to be a strange post. I have been delving very deeply into me, this is what "my adventure" seems to have required of me. It gives me time to reflect, sort out and be surprised.
Medically, the doctors are surprised that the double vision still exists, several on a spiritual plane have repeated the same phrase to me; "The eyes or the windows of your soul, what are you afraid of seeing?"
And so I start looking deep, because the answer is always the same, "Me."
There are issues i will not bring up, but i disbelieve that there is goodness in me. It is kind of why I relate to "dark heroes", Buffy, Bat Man, Many of the roles Bruce Willis plays, etc...
Each character is extremely flawed and make up for it performing super hero, save the day things. I relate to that (not that i think i am a superhero or anything like that, just that i try to make up for my flaws by doing good).
Somewhere the story of the ugly duckling comes to mind, especially with the physical issues of my sight going on. I feel ungainly, shier than even before, unbalanced, ugly.
And of course there are the awful whispering in my head, this will never get better, no one likes you, you are stupid etc...
Strange tho, they seem to come from outside rather than inside me now and they seem more like lies, rather than part of my being.
I think i have been the ugly duckling too long and am afraid to look in the mirrored water to see what a beautiful swan I have become.
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