In my reading of blogs, I have noticed time and time again, that they are a way, for each who write, a way for coping with serious major issues. Health, family health, job loss, family loss, moving to new locations, etc... So I come to see my blog also as a healing place, but i have two perspectives.
The first is i get to reflect in writing, which does clear my head. The second is that i get to read and comment on others struggles and this is not only helpful for me, but I hope also for them. This to me, adds a great level of healing for the soul.
I was reflecting a bit on two items today. The first was my last November, when my mind began to go "south" with the subsequent re-hospitalization. I have a strange test for my brain, which i failed sometime in November, but I was already too far gone to recognize it. I recount Avogadro's Number. It is a number I never use, but drilled into my head while being taught the various concepts in chemistry. I know it clearly now, but in November, could not come up with it. This tells me my mind was really not present, so how was i functioning? My heart was making all the decisions and some times they were not in my best interest, but kindness was the first priority. I like that, and am try to keep that present, even though my mind tempers it with self preservation.
The second will be in a second post, but apparently, the tumor was stopping my ability to create watercolor (or other artistic things) in a style that i was used to, there was no "heart" and as a result, I entered into a period where i did not and could not paint, even when i wanted to.
I notice that because I am working on an unfinished project, begun during this time i believe the tumor was active. I would say that the paper was wrong, the attitude was wrong, the detail non-existent and there was no warmth. Exhibit A.
As i work on it, I find some difficulty because it is a "rough paper", not pressed (cold or hot, artist who work with water color know what i mean) and that makes correction more difficult, but this is what I did yesterday. It is the same base and as I said there is a bit of perspective that i need to find a way to correct, but the change is there. There is life again in what I do. Exhibit B.
I would say the tumor actually stopped a creative element that had existed (even if you do not like the work). And because there is more going on in my heart, there is added warmth.