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Born a Texan, but traveled the US extensively.  Now staying on the East coast.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

"Used to bees"

I think I am preparing myself to try my job again after a 7 month absence and reflecting where i have been and where i am now.
The "used to bees" are actually interesting and some times startling. Some of them can not be measured.
The most interesting one has been the reawakening of my heart. I had become too analytical in life and therefore more of a technician than anything else. Was the tumor to blame or was it just the path i was veering off to? I do not have the answer, i do not have to, i am just enjoying both feeling and thinking at the same time. The proof is in the paintings, but the action is everywhere.
Cooping with my double vision. Yes, i go from valley to mountain top with this one, but the reality is that i am able to live my life with it. The use of the glasses bringing a single sight as i am out and about has added wonderful hours to my day.
I ued to be too busy and there was never anytime for myself. That was just plain wrong and to find the balance has been interesting and fun. I still will not drive because i am afraid i will not see someone at a critical time and kill someone. That leads to the next.
The experience of losing my strength and my mind was both horrifying and fascinating. For the month of November when the shunt was pulling to much fluid, i lost my ability to reason. This actually helped bring my heart out, but is not recommended. They both showed how fragile we are and gives me a bit more respect for the thing we call life.
My strength i was able to rebuild, my mind came back when they shut off the pump.
How do i know my mind was gone? By others peoples observations, they actual thought i had permanant damage. I was not able to do a host of things that had nothing to do with physical strength.
I found the most important people in my life and lost the ones who just played. That is a very good thing. I was surprised at the number of players and they have no idea what they are missing. On the otherhand, there are pains and curcumstances that make them that way. I do not blame them, i just do not want them a part of my life.
I feel settled, today. Tomorrow maybe different, but that is life.
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