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Born a Texan, but traveled the US extensively.  Now staying on the East coast.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

When I signed that paper...

When I signed that paper authorizing them to operate on me last August, it warned me of all the dire consequences, death, paralysis, blindness, facial palsy, etc. etc....
This was the morning of the operation and if i was ever going to be scared, really scared, it was going to be then. I was, but shortly i was under anesthesia and would not know any more til i woke, twice.
No where did they warn me about possible spiritual awakenings or new perspectives on life, perhaps i should sue them, because that was what happened.
I was always attempting to live different, i lived (and still do) in a spiritual community, but my perspective was not clear, still clouded by my aversion to the fundamental Christianity that i had a brief encounter with, so harsh and judgmental that i really did not want to be anything like that.
But not wanting to be like something does not define belief.
Over the course of this not seeing well, i think i have come to see.
Everyone is one a journey and i do not think it ends with this one life we have.
In that i do embrace early Christian and Buddhist teachings.
It is not as simple as believing in Jesus or not sinning (what ever that means).
There obviously is suffering, i have now experienced it first hand.
That gives me a better perspective on life any way.
SO what has happen?
I am uncontrollably positive in my outlook. When things look bleakest, i really believe something positive is going to happen.
The pain and the difficulty seeing is nothing more than more positive steps to take.
I have the hardest time now around people who complain FOR NO REAL REASON, there are enough of us who really have a reason to complain and a lot of us do not and some of us are in the middle of the lesson.
(Grant, you have a reason, but you are also finding a good release in your bunnies!)
There was something i was taught, but had a hard time believing, everyone has a portion of the truth, none of us have it all. I actually see it now and those lessons each learns is where we can see the truth.
I am unabashedly a fighter, but i think i have learned more how to channel that energy so it does not have me going in a hamster wheel.
That one is funny, because i did learn that lesson physically in tea kwon do. When in a match, i would block and wait until the correct moment to strike, it worked.
The same occurs in my life. i try to work with what is thrown at me until the right moment.
Do i still get angry? You betcha! Do i let it control me? No way!
Now i get the chance to teach people how to help me. That is a new thing cause i would previously (figuratively) lay on the floor crying like a spoiled brat and no one would know what to do.
It is all interesting!
It is funny also the confidence in what I can do and who i am and what i know.
That allows me to say "I do not know" much more easily.
So much for my lessons this Saturday morning.
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