Okay, so I have not blogged, am i a bad boy for not doing so?
But i do have some interesting observations, every morning, when i walk to work, i pass a recovery program, which houses people who were hooked on some kind of substance and are trying to get off it.
They hang out there,with it seems like nothing to do and sometimes on the first of the month,they are drinking.
I understand a bit of what they deal with,some form of pain that they do not want to see or feel. It has sapped their strength and i guess their will.
I do not feel sorry for them, i do not hate them or feel disgusted. I know a couple who are also mentally ill, i not not blame them.
But i can not relate to not wanting to feel.
In all of my struggles, i have never wanted to give up, i have never wanted NOT to feel.
I want to feel it all, the pain, the joy, the struggle and happiness, ALL of it.
Sometimes, i almost wish i could escape the struggle, but i am to "in to it" to want to escape.
The various pains, in my eyes, in the back of my head, in my throat, i examine closely to try to understand where i might be headed.
My mother, who is quite old, i know is dying.
I am embracing that also, as best as i can.
I will not shrink back.
Maybe this is the stuff that i m made of, stubborn, willful and i will not stop.
I remember the one lesson i found most important coming out of the operation and realizing i had almost not made it.
The lesson was to hold on to the things most important to me, family, friends, people who allowed me to be close.
There is nothing more important.