Reflections

My life did not change in the hospital.
My life did not change when the surgeon said, "He's not breathing people!".
My life did not change in the operating room.
My life did not change when the doctor looked at the MRI and said, "This has to come out"!
My life changed when my primary doctor said, "There is something going on and we have to take a closer look."
That is when the fear and the doubt and the confusion began.
that chased my old life away to make room for something better.
ow, i believe in a God who is active in our lives, but it is in a way that i do not always have to understand.
And i do not believe that this life is it,
but before that moment, i am not sure that i was at that place.
My own arrogance and need to control and manipulate things was lost.
I was no longer in control.
I could no longer manipulate things, or words or events.
You lose arrogance when that happens, so i went for an adventure.
i found the things that were most important to me.
The community that i was part of, closed ranks around me, like any good family would, and supported me.
They still support me today, in all my struggles.
And as i look back, i would change none of this.
As difficult and frustrating as it has been, not one thing.
i "see" different now, not with my eyes, but with my heart.
I see things the way i read, in large groups
and there are colors of red, and orange and yellow,
becoming waves that try to sweep people up in the anger and confusion and the "tyranny of the urgent", that is red and orange and yellow.
i see some people seeking the quiet of the blue and the green
and in the tumult for the reds and oranges, it is a constant struggle.
I no longer hear the words, or the actions, but the motivations.
There are the whirlwinds,
the ones who are trapped by the demands of the red and orange and yellow,
spinning out of control by the demands of the other.
i seek what is important now, the blue and the green,
my family
and the bonds that are stronger than those bright waves of destruction.
And i look for others who bind together in the same way.
i do not look at the action or the words,
but the motivation.
You might be surprised if you saw that as clearly as i.