the ups and downs

i still struggle,
but my attitude is better.
the fight is still tough,
but i still fight.
Brain operations have long lasting effects,
but they seem to be stabilizing.
I have good days and bad days,
there are more good days.
that is my story

i have been wondering when or if i post again

but spring is here and the cold of winter with it bleakness is gone
it makes me happy.
i doubt if i have followers any more, but who knows.
i write for me and i still struggle.
A dark night of the soul?
Perhaps.
A lesson to change?
yes.
slowly ripping away the scabs of the past,
it hurts, but the flesh under neath is clean.
My lessons?
loving my self,
getting rid of fear
and learning to trust God.
Yes i am one of those who believe,
but do not think life is rosy because of it,
but there is change needed and i will have it.

it is hard

This  transition has been harder than I thought…

going from urban to rural and

with a few issues on the side,

it has been though.

I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel yet,

but it is coming with a lot of work to be done.

and that is the big thing,

this is not simple,

it is a slow  process

and requires work and  energy.

Do not be fooled,

it is good I  am here,  but

it is work.

who am I now?

Familiar and comfortable

with circuits and code;

especially in the absolutes of zeros and ones.
I find  myself in unfamiliar surroundings,

green fields of soy and cotton.

Coops of dove

and pigeons,

ducks  and  chickens

and goats.

All so unfamiliar

and not so comfortable.

The gardens are wonderful,

I am at home with them,

but such a large area,

how  do I start?

I no longer am who I was…

I am glad

the child

the child,

rests in his mother's  bosom,

safe  secure.

Not so such a place for a man,

tho we may wish to return.

Do I dare say it,

the comfort is  contagious,

we  want more

and not to leave,

but  to  grow  up,

is to leave the comfortable  place.

My new life is  not comfortable

and so I am growing up

and this is  a good  thing.

It was many years ago

I woke from a dream.
The dream was vivid and real.
I was an older man,
with a straw floppy hat,
working in my garden...
i was at the place i was moving.
I was working as if there was nothing wrong,
yet, there was something wrong with the world.
I did not know from the dream what it was,
but as i crouched,
working the garden,
a person,
who happened to be my best friend at the time,
approached me.
She had walked from where i now live,
to where i will live in a few weeks.
She was alone
and asked for help,
which i was all to glad to give.
It was a good dream,
a strong dream,
for i still remember its vividness.
It is in my mind again,
freash,
as if i had it last night,
but it was many, many years ago.

so i wonder

who is it that we serve?

ourselves,
taking care of business for our own good
or others
and in so doing,
provide riches for our souls.
that can not be counted.
I have answered that question,
at least for myself...
this life is not an end into of itself
and even if i were an atheist,
not believing that there is more beyond,
taking care of others would still be paramount.
I do see that in some who call themselves atheist,
but what surprises me,
is those who claim to have faith and yet do not.
This make no sense,
we are to take care of others first,
not ourselves.
Is this the answer to the question i posed yesterday?
Maybe.

i don't know

Yes, my dreams of years are being realized,
but what is this i am leaving behind?
I do not understand,
people say they are going to miss me!
I do not understand...
i do not feel as if i contribute much to their lives
or being,
yet with all,
they are sincere.
and i believe them.

something different - flood in the evening

not of water,
but of thoughts
and feelings
and words...
Wow!
what happened,
but i suppose they have been bubbling within me all day....

thoughts of just a few years back,
when i was not doing so well still,
from all the turmoil that was my life...after.
I did not think,
or maybe i did not want,
to live passed 60.
I am 62 now.
There was a turnaround
and i improved.
Was it my attitude first
or my body?
The old chicken and egg question
and i still do not know,
but i am here
and doing better.
I looked around at that time,
for someone to be with when i passed
and could not find them.
Now, i have met that person,
but am no longer interested in going from here.

There are still more thoughts,
do i dare start them now?
No i will leave them for the 'morrow
and that will be enough!

just what am i doing?????????

i thought i had a busy life,
i thought things were active,
i did not know,
i could not know,
i have been packing to move...
i have moved before,
but i do not remember how bad it really was,
or is it that it was not this bad?
Rhyme and verse,
escape me.
My heart flutters,
but does not sing.
This is something i wanted for a long time,
but now i might not be so sure....
work, when i did, was easy.
This requires vigilance and much more!

a bit mixed up

i seem to be saying that,
a lot lately.
My heart begins with the older penitential rite
of the Anglican church:
"I acknowledge and bewail my manifold sins...
There is much going on,'preparation for a move
and i am finding those who drew close to me,
are sorrowful,
at my impending absence from their lives.
i have never been sure of such things,
i do not feel "worthy" of such love,
though i have always desired it.
My body has suffered many losses
and it is recovering,
faster and faster each week.
It was time for my heart,
which has also suffered greatly,
to heal also.
The hard shell that was built around it,
is softened
and so i feel more now.
The healing process,
is the same,
time.

mish mosh or have you ever wondered?

Wonder - a marvelous thing,
how much do you?
Not wander,
wonder about just about every thing.
I was told that such a thing is spelled out,
in Jewish literature as a gift of the Spirit,
i never knew...
But i ask questions
and i experiment
and constantly ask what if?
I have a lot of knowledge
and i shared everything,
when i worked,
but less so now.

I thought of writing a cook book,
not of how to do things,
but what does not work.
I see questions when people get colds and viruses,
i have answers,
answers that might surprise a person who knew my background...
a degree in chemistry, with a lot of biochemistry.
Working in a health department,
where traditional medicine was accepted without much question,
but i knew there was more.
Did you know the vinegar is the most effective substance,
i have tested against most dangerous bacteria
and that zinc does stop the replication of viruses
or that turmeric is a great anti inflammatory?
colored or greenish sputum is a sign of infection
and if it got that far,
you need antibiotics?
I take every vaccine i can and know it has protected me,
but the vaccine for the normal childhood diseases,
measles, mumps and chicken pox,
were not developed yet
and i lost hearing in one ear because of it.
I eat things that most people would not because it might make them ill:
raw oysters, rare hamburger, sushi, but i know my risk
and it is up to me to take them.

How is that for a variety post?

perhaps i see things differently than you

The morning light,
soft and gentle,
caresses my eyes
with shadows that seem some what muted,
to my eyes.
The early light,
beckons me,
from my slumber
and calls me out of my warm bed.
I do not return during the day,
for the light of days,
tells me to come and play.
As afternoon comes
and shadows grow long,
they seem sharper,
harsher,
than the noon day sun
and my eyes begin to cry out in pain.
No slumber yet,
but i might close my eyes
or remove my glasses,
to give relief,
from the pain.
I am awake,
but not for long,
for as the sun sets in it brillance,
I wince,
for darkness does not bring a reprieve,
yet i struggle on for a bit.
My mind,
now struggles
and my body feels the strain.
Only but a few short hours,
I am up
and slumber takes me,
waiting for the sweet caress,
again,
for morning's light.

we are faced with our own failing daily

least ways,
i am.
Someone shared that someone,
who i had worked with died recently,
the name did not bring a face,
did not bring a memory.
It was not until the next morning,
the person's memories came to me,
this is normal...
mornings are good,
evenings bad.
Sometimes, i complicated my speech,
using many words when one will suffice...
it is a bad habit,
that seems to be more controlled as i write.
this exasperates friends.
The last New year's day of my mom's life,
I sad that she got to see 20111,
She responded in a way i was not ready for....
"and i am so disappointed!".
She was ready and there was no fear.

so often

so often,
i have to be reminded,
 like when the donkey,
spoke to  the prophet running away from his duty.
I have to be reminded just how much others mean to me...
It happened again,
some one spoke,
they were alone,
I am not.
They reached out,
because they went through.
something similar to me
and were concerned.
They were alone,
 but i am not
and i forget to be thankful
and grateful
and that needs to stop.
I live differently than most of you
and that is why i am not alone.
I have seen married couple,
live together alone.
I am not married,
but i am never alone.
I am thankful
and to reminded of that love,
is a truly great gift.

Strong like a bull

it has been many years since i heard that phrase,
uttered in a broad Haitian accent,
which was used to speaking creole,
not english.
and this person was not a doctor,
not a Physicians assistant,
nor a nurse,
not even a nurses aid...
he was only some one God chose,
at that moment,
to reaffirm that strength,
that i had been given.
I do not normally write this time of day,
late in the evening (for me),
but those words echoed in my head,
all day long
and no longer could i ignore them.
Those few words,
spoken by someone,
this world considered insignificant,
gave me hope
and gave me life.
They echo in my head because,
those words still HELP!
I have met others who were
and are,
strong like a bull...
my mother,
who was so active until she was 88 years old.
My neighbor,
who is 92 and still tills her own garden
and many others,
but these are notable.
They keep reminding me,
to keep moving forward,
until we can not any more.

all quiet on the Connecticut front

I have been away,

More than here.

I have been in a place, 

Where my weaknesses,

Are exposed.

Places where I still squirm

And fear still resides.

It is not the big things that frighten me,

But some small insignificant idiosyncrasy

That cause me to eek to hide.

I am indeed fortunate,

I have friends to help me to see

And to see, 

is to change.

I am glad.

i have seen...

It is fitting that i post this now, after a day of thanksgiving for what we have...

i have seen,
the bars that imprison us,
that are of our own making.
These bars pretend to separate us,
from each other,
but they are of our own making.
I have seen the light tendrils,
that link each of us to each other,
that reach through those bars
and those tendrils,
are not of our making.
Something greater connects us,
than what separates us,
but we try to ignore them.
Those bars,
from our deepest fears,
form an imaginary live,
one we think can not be crossed.
but it can.
To allow those chains
and bars
and prisons,
to release us,
requires our free will.
allow that light to come through
our imaginary walls
and see that we are all connected.

waking

The sun's tendrils of light have just reached the sky
and i open my eyes.
There is the normal confusion of sight,
with too many images occurring at once,
but it no longer bothers me.
i and wiping away the last vestige,
of darkness and dreams from my mind.
Persons from the past,
now long gone,
visit me
and many times i wonder...
What would have been,
if this and so were not so
and we were still together?
These are haunting dreams which plague us all.
i want to caress those dreams some times,
holding fast to the what ifs,
that can never be.
i am fully awake now,
as i don my glasses,
the ones that bring the unruly images, 
of my disparate vision, together.
The darkness leaves
and the sun shines fully
and those shadows,
which touched my soul, during sleep,
are gone

pondering

Absent.
On.
Off
and then some one told me i ponder Everything.
They are correct, you know...
I do that.
I look at the world
and wonder what it is i see.
I talk with some one
and the conversation does not leave.
i hear something,
i read some thing
and it strikes me deep
and i wonder
and i ponder.
I have been in this place,
in this state of pondering,
for weeks
and it does not allow me to post...
i am thinking!
I know it will continue on
and do not see an end in sight.

I leave this post with a quote,
the latest one to cause me to reflect:
from the Archbishop of Minnesota of the Greek Orthodox Church;
Salvation according to Orthodox theology is not the state of "I have arrived. I have made it. I am saved." Rather, it is the state of "I am on the way. I am moving, I am growing in God, for God, with God, and through the power of God.

This resonates deeply with me and causes me to ponder more.