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Born a Texan, but traveled the US extensively.  Now staying on the East coast.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

beginings stuck in a mode

As i sit in the hospital with everything at an almost stanstill, I think a lot. y brain is not affected and is doing its usualy inventory, but since thereis niothing to interfer, it is better.
I think of fear and realize I am not afraid, not afraid if I can't work anymore, nit afraid if I will everybe able to see right again(but I really want to), not to afraid of not being ablke to eat things I like again(but that is more and disconfornt) and some what afraid of aspirating on my spit and drowning ( not a pleasant thought)
I am not worried about the people I have taken cae of even my mother , everyting I just relaxed with, gave up gave for God to control what ever you call it. I am actually very peacefulso I know there is no fear.
But before the surgery, I was Irratable, short, would push the people closest to me away. I was very unhappy.
Since I have no conscept in my mind of correct spirituallity, I do accept a lot. . . if it meets the criteria of kind, inclusive, caring and really god centerd...I then went to a physcic fair with a friend, who may have dragged me.
I told the first person that I was needing knowledge on a medical condition ans she never connected talked about blood sugar and eating less meat. I told her you did not connect
They sent me immediately to someone else and I rpresented the same info
She went through the short list of things I know are wrong with me and stop and said I am shaking,, there is so much fear and then she hit the entire diagnosis on the head, where it was what it was. Then she looked at me and the soul has severaal 'outs' in this life, this isnot yours and I believed her.
And was able to into the operation with less fear by far.
I really was afraid of dying.
As a young middleclass boy the nightmare is the odd fears that we face.
I grew up with many of them, I was afraid of not being good eniough or liked or 'suceeding' or meeting my parents expectations.
I was the good boy who was too afraid to be bad.
Yes I was afraid of the pressure keg that was my small family, the pressures at work and the abuse he would bring home and really take out on my mom, but we did survive, not fabulously, but I did not everneed anything to live and we had many good times as well.
So in akk that there was fear in me whihc something translated into rage or depression and that was the complicated boy that I was growing up.
And my internal fear was the most difficult for me to live with cause it meant I was not perfect and I wanted to be perfect.
Here I went into the operation without the fear
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