yesterday,
sad,
for no reason.
Today,
happy,
for no reason.
The mood swings don't bother me,
that much,
they just are strange.
There is a lot going on in my life,
so i am not surprised,
but do not like,
not figuring it out!
Ah the roller coaster of life!
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, March 7, 2016
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Friendly Greetings
A
smile,
a
wave,
a
spoken hello,
seems
to cheer those who pass by.
i
do not know all of there names.
Some
are neighbors,
others,
simply
passing by.
A
street person,
a
worker,
all
on their way to some place else.
I
did start it,
i
know,
something
inside,
prepares
a greeting for each.
I
do not analyze why,
I
just do it.
Now
those regulars turn,
facing
me on my porch,
with
expectant smiles.
They
are not disappointed
and
they go there way.
What
does it mean for them?
I
do not think,
i
witness the smiles
and
the waves
and
the greetings shared.
I
hope it does some good,
some
how,
but who knows?
Friday, March 15, 2013
Time
It seems now i have time,
time to do all those things that need doing.
Time to enjoy things,
The ideas of a new kitchen is delayed,
i am okay with this,
i have time.
I can live,
and breath
and be.
time to do all those things that need doing.
Time to enjoy things,
The ideas of a new kitchen is delayed,
i am okay with this,
i have time.
I can live,
and breath
and be.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
a bit more on the meaning of like.
It was an innocent start,
a lunch,
a short trip to a Trader Joe's
and there was more difficulty with my eyes than had been.
Perhaps i was complaining,
sometimes i do,
but then the question came:
"do you ever wish they hadn't taken out the tumor?".
I had a quick response and there was silence after,
a long silence.
I answered simple enough,
with truth,
"never, for other wise i would be dead."
A deep silence enveloped the car,
but it was because all were relizing what it meant,
that little bit of truth.
And the meaning and the wonder of life was clear.
a lunch,
a short trip to a Trader Joe's
and there was more difficulty with my eyes than had been.
Perhaps i was complaining,
sometimes i do,
but then the question came:
"do you ever wish they hadn't taken out the tumor?".
I had a quick response and there was silence after,
a long silence.
I answered simple enough,
with truth,
"never, for other wise i would be dead."
A deep silence enveloped the car,
but it was because all were relizing what it meant,
that little bit of truth.
And the meaning and the wonder of life was clear.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Mixed
As we aproach the Holidays,
i find my self shuttting down.
My mom feels very present
and this is a good feeling,
but i feel down,
more easily agitated than normal.
a bit more confused.
I am gaining pounds and i don't care
and i am not even eating badly,
but for me it is a sign of not caring.
I will get through this,
It is the first Christmas..I expected this,
but i will be okay.
I find tho in the positive
i have been saying NO to many people who want to demand of me.
They need to understand.
i find my self shuttting down.
My mom feels very present
and this is a good feeling,
but i feel down,
more easily agitated than normal.
a bit more confused.
I am gaining pounds and i don't care
and i am not even eating badly,
but for me it is a sign of not caring.
I will get through this,
It is the first Christmas..I expected this,
but i will be okay.
I find tho in the positive
i have been saying NO to many people who want to demand of me.
They need to understand.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Back to life
Away from the flowery descriptions of life around me and in me,
i am finding myself a bit too busy and distracted.
Busy at work, with a lot of reliance on what i do and see,
I called out 5 or 6 different serious problems for individuals concerning water quality and none of them had to do with the "Scofield" area.
I have distracted myself by getting involved with several friends, playing games on facebooks.
For my friends on facebooks who do not play games, sorry for the excess game related posts.
I have been scratching at something very deep in memory and mind.
A very dark place that existed in me from a long time ago.
I am looking at it to forgive myself.
It is always one of the harder things for one to do.
We either run rough shod over it or bury it.
I think i did both and i now do not want it directing any part of my life or having any influence. the best way is to face it and let it go.
This is my process and the games actually help me deal!
There are plenty of metaphorical thoughts in my head, but I want to deal head on and leave the issue behind.
But the weather is warm and that makes me happy and i find it easier to deal with such things when there is a lot of life around.
i am finding myself a bit too busy and distracted.
Busy at work, with a lot of reliance on what i do and see,
I called out 5 or 6 different serious problems for individuals concerning water quality and none of them had to do with the "Scofield" area.
I have distracted myself by getting involved with several friends, playing games on facebooks.
For my friends on facebooks who do not play games, sorry for the excess game related posts.
I have been scratching at something very deep in memory and mind.
A very dark place that existed in me from a long time ago.
I am looking at it to forgive myself.
It is always one of the harder things for one to do.
We either run rough shod over it or bury it.
I think i did both and i now do not want it directing any part of my life or having any influence. the best way is to face it and let it go.
This is my process and the games actually help me deal!
There are plenty of metaphorical thoughts in my head, but I want to deal head on and leave the issue behind.
But the weather is warm and that makes me happy and i find it easier to deal with such things when there is a lot of life around.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
back to the trenches!
What am i to say, spring is warmer than usual and all the pollen is out.
So my eyes tear and my nose runs.
Now we have rain and it clears the air and i can breath again.
I am more tired than i want to be.
I want to do more than i can.
I get frustrated.
In the past week i have heard many times that people can not believe how well i am doing.
There are times i have a hard time believing it.
So it is off the mountain top again and in the trenches.
I think this is life...
Up, down, never constant always changing.
I am beginning to get used to it.
So my eyes tear and my nose runs.
Now we have rain and it clears the air and i can breath again.
I am more tired than i want to be.
I want to do more than i can.
I get frustrated.
In the past week i have heard many times that people can not believe how well i am doing.
There are times i have a hard time believing it.
So it is off the mountain top again and in the trenches.
I think this is life...
Up, down, never constant always changing.
I am beginning to get used to it.
Friday, March 5, 2010
This Journey we call life...
This journey we call life;
full of UPS and downs,
twists and turns,
MOUNTAINS and valleys,
We live, we grow, we walk.
The rocks and boulders,
the obstacles we encounter along the way.
Are not there to cause us pain,
but to help us grow.
is companions to walk along our way.
The heart of a kind person,
the one who makes us smile or cry.
The spiritual one who cries onward.
The brothers and sisters of the heart
these, these are the companions we can ask for along the way;
in this journey we call life.
full of UPS and downs,
twists and turns,
MOUNTAINS and valleys,
We live, we grow, we walk.
The rocks and boulders,
the obstacles we encounter along the way.
Are not there to cause us pain,
but to help us grow.
And in this long walk we call life,
the most we can ask for is companions to walk along our way.
The heart of a kind person,
the one who makes us smile or cry.
The spiritual one who cries onward.
The brothers and sisters of the heart
these, these are the companions we can ask for along the way;
in this journey we call life.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Experiencing Life.
It has been cold finally and it is strange for me to say it.
I do not like cold weather, yet this year, i want to experience it.
I could not tell you what last year was like, cold, wet, snowy or anything, it is only a blur in my mind.
My mind was focusing on getting better, becoming me again after having lost me.
I want to see snow.
I do not like the snow that happens in Stamford, it becomes ugly and dirty and create dangers and difficulties getting around, yet I WANT to experience it.
I have other strange things happening - I FEEL people's presence, when they are near or far, if they are in trouble or not, what their mood is, what they are going through.
It is not like seeing their face and knowing, it is like knowing they are around a corner and what is going on with them. It is kind of intense.
Is all of this because of the loss of a tumor?
Or is it because of a loss of my self for some indeterminable time period?
Or is it just that my heart has been wakened from a long slumber?
I do not have an answer, but it is some of the changes I like.
Tonight, as a celebration, i am attempting to make Baklava.
I think that is an appropriate way to celebrate.
I do not like cold weather, yet this year, i want to experience it.
I could not tell you what last year was like, cold, wet, snowy or anything, it is only a blur in my mind.
My mind was focusing on getting better, becoming me again after having lost me.
I want to see snow.
I do not like the snow that happens in Stamford, it becomes ugly and dirty and create dangers and difficulties getting around, yet I WANT to experience it.
I have other strange things happening - I FEEL people's presence, when they are near or far, if they are in trouble or not, what their mood is, what they are going through.
It is not like seeing their face and knowing, it is like knowing they are around a corner and what is going on with them. It is kind of intense.
Is all of this because of the loss of a tumor?
Or is it because of a loss of my self for some indeterminable time period?
Or is it just that my heart has been wakened from a long slumber?
I do not have an answer, but it is some of the changes I like.
Tonight, as a celebration, i am attempting to make Baklava.
I think that is an appropriate way to celebrate.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Finished for now
My "muse" seems to have taken a short leave, which is good cause I do not know to explain things well using it.
I had some great encouragement this week from a friend a work telling me how well am I compared to when I first came back to work.
This was not a "You look fine, I need something from you now" talk. This was "do you realize how much you have improved?" statement which was very encouraging.
I generally find my greatest support from people who actual work with people instead of those enforcing ordinances.
A picture for you to try to understand.
It is my glasses with the real world over the top and what I see is the both commingled. The images from both my eyes are mot aligned with each other or reality and so I get two completely clear 2 dimensional images on top of one another.
It really is strange.
I am definitely working 6 hours a day, mostly because the eye strain is intense. My other strength is improving.
And just like grant they have me coming in on Sunday for a short stint. It should not be a problem cause I will just rest the rest of the time.
Yes it is coming from those who have no idea of how to comprehend what I am dealing with, everything is really about them.
There is also a strange curse knowing several languages, a friend was talking on the phone with someone I think she is interested in and said I was "feo" or ugly, not handsome.
I thought it would bother me, but I don't care about being pretty or handsome, I am just glad to be alive.
I actually am doing well even with all the rain.
I had some great encouragement this week from a friend a work telling me how well am I compared to when I first came back to work.
This was not a "You look fine, I need something from you now" talk. This was "do you realize how much you have improved?" statement which was very encouraging.
I generally find my greatest support from people who actual work with people instead of those enforcing ordinances.
A picture for you to try to understand.
It is my glasses with the real world over the top and what I see is the both commingled. The images from both my eyes are mot aligned with each other or reality and so I get two completely clear 2 dimensional images on top of one another.
It really is strange.
I am definitely working 6 hours a day, mostly because the eye strain is intense. My other strength is improving.
And just like grant they have me coming in on Sunday for a short stint. It should not be a problem cause I will just rest the rest of the time.
Yes it is coming from those who have no idea of how to comprehend what I am dealing with, everything is really about them.
There is also a strange curse knowing several languages, a friend was talking on the phone with someone I think she is interested in and said I was "feo" or ugly, not handsome.
I thought it would bother me, but I don't care about being pretty or handsome, I am just glad to be alive.
I actually am doing well even with all the rain.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Circles and Walls
I for whatever reason, have just realised that I have a series of "walls and circles" when it comes to people.
I think most people have them and I am sure that many people realize it, I did not.
When I first meet a person they are either brought inside a wall or left out side. If I think they have a certain level of trust or I think they might be trustworthy they are brought in. This is like a test ground and they might learn some superficial things about me, but it is a wait and see type of thing. I can like them and even care about what happens to them, but do not talk about love or try to be too pushy, they will find themselves on the outside quickly.
As trust begins to build (and time seems less important than activity), I actually test them by telling them about me. I do not necessarily like myself in all aspects, but I do have respect for what I have done. Not everyone would agree.
If that does not scare them off, I begin to trust them and they come into the next level. There is a lot of respect for those people from me and I would do almost anything for them. If they do not make it to this level, they can stay comfortably at the first level.
Then there are those with whom my trust level is so deep they can say almost anything to me and I to them and it will not change the bond, I learn the most from these people.
They are my partners in my life and its path.
I am often surprised at the number of people at these levels, 8 at the deepest level. 4 at the next deepest level level. Many at the second level and the first level constantly changes.
You who read this blog are privileged to learn my mind and heart because I am basically working things out in word as I write, enjoy the ride!
I think most people have them and I am sure that many people realize it, I did not.
When I first meet a person they are either brought inside a wall or left out side. If I think they have a certain level of trust or I think they might be trustworthy they are brought in. This is like a test ground and they might learn some superficial things about me, but it is a wait and see type of thing. I can like them and even care about what happens to them, but do not talk about love or try to be too pushy, they will find themselves on the outside quickly.
As trust begins to build (and time seems less important than activity), I actually test them by telling them about me. I do not necessarily like myself in all aspects, but I do have respect for what I have done. Not everyone would agree.
If that does not scare them off, I begin to trust them and they come into the next level. There is a lot of respect for those people from me and I would do almost anything for them. If they do not make it to this level, they can stay comfortably at the first level.
Then there are those with whom my trust level is so deep they can say almost anything to me and I to them and it will not change the bond, I learn the most from these people.
They are my partners in my life and its path.
I am often surprised at the number of people at these levels, 8 at the deepest level. 4 at the next deepest level level. Many at the second level and the first level constantly changes.
You who read this blog are privileged to learn my mind and heart because I am basically working things out in word as I write, enjoy the ride!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Still up and down
I find it amazing the amount of emotions that i am going through, some very down in the mouth, other very hopeful. I do not know what to expect from myself at any given moment and what will set off what. Reading the various blogs lifted me very nicely. Think about the optometrist appointment has be a bit worried. Talking with a person who is the "gateway" to the sick bank made me a bit despaired. Getting tired by 1 Pm and having to go home, gets me frustrated and a bit down. Swaying while I move around, gets me upset. Talking with my various friends soothes me and gives me hope.
The roller coaster is real.
The roller coaster is real.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Attitude
I had to catch up on the Environmental blog so i have not posted for a bit, but things are well. Okay, things are up and down, good and bad, one day to the next, in other words, fairly normal.
I have managed to extend my time at the lab a bit and have caught up most of the databases that had been neglected during my absence - rain fall, ticks, etc... and have got enough samples to keep me happy and fascinated.
i have forgotten how difficult it is to deal with the public (yes, I know you all are them) when you are the wrong place to get particular information from and have to take time to look it up (the phone trees are never user friendly, sorry Mayor, but then what do you do when positions are eliminated and there just is not enough help?).
I had a great Monday and Tuesday, a bad Wednesday and a good today, energy and eye wise. So you hear no complaints from me. I have stayed a bit longer and that is good.
Still anxious to do that arsenic study, but have to wait for the instrument. I would like to be proactive (again) and find out that something is not a problem (or is) before it becomes an emergency.
On more personal note, I am kind of glad that the curious, always seeking answers, scientist side of me has taken a second layer to the other side, which tells me to stop and smell the roses.
Life is more enjoyable this way.
I have managed to extend my time at the lab a bit and have caught up most of the databases that had been neglected during my absence - rain fall, ticks, etc... and have got enough samples to keep me happy and fascinated.
i have forgotten how difficult it is to deal with the public (yes, I know you all are them) when you are the wrong place to get particular information from and have to take time to look it up (the phone trees are never user friendly, sorry Mayor, but then what do you do when positions are eliminated and there just is not enough help?).
I had a great Monday and Tuesday, a bad Wednesday and a good today, energy and eye wise. So you hear no complaints from me. I have stayed a bit longer and that is good.
Still anxious to do that arsenic study, but have to wait for the instrument. I would like to be proactive (again) and find out that something is not a problem (or is) before it becomes an emergency.
On more personal note, I am kind of glad that the curious, always seeking answers, scientist side of me has taken a second layer to the other side, which tells me to stop and smell the roses.
Life is more enjoyable this way.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Stars
I went out for a walk (with David) to the Mall for a walk and a haircut (I haven't had one since July and I found out that the body kind of shuts down after a shock) and a visit to my bank. I ran into people who have not seen me since July and found out that i was missed! Each of these people (even the ones with not so good reputations) came up to me, greeted me, asked where I have been and what happened. Some of them, who were working, went out of their way to see me. I sometimes am amazed by these positive responses, I consider these people stars in my universe, shinning brightly, giving light and being light. Again i say I am amazed and feel fortunate to know these people.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Visitors
Some people came over to visit me because the other day. One surprised me, because it was the second time that she had visited and this time she brought a friend, who also surprised me. She surprised me because of the compassion she showed. I had known her as a nice person, who was fun to talk to. The compassion was a surprise and a pleasant one at that. The person she brought with her I had known professionally, he is a lawyer, who does a lot of work with disabled people. The surprise is how nice a person he was. I had kind of expected it because of the work with disabled people, but I was surprised by the depth of it. Of course this is reflection, I was just plain enjoying their company while they were here and it caused even more reflection. Each person I have my life has taught me something and if I look there are positive things to come from each person I meet. This is not dissimilar to Will Rogers "I never met a man I didn't like" statement, but it takes more work with some people.
Frank - I learned true compassion - no more to be said
Marie (Frank's Wife) - I learned that a person can be weak, very sensitive and very stron all at the same time - amazing
David - How to laugh
John - how to approach things cautiously
Walter - How to care
Margarita - How to accept a compliment or a gift graciously
This is my short list of the closest people in to my spirit -there are many others and I have learned good things from each one.
Frank - I learned true compassion - no more to be said
Marie (Frank's Wife) - I learned that a person can be weak, very sensitive and very stron all at the same time - amazing
David - How to laugh
John - how to approach things cautiously
Walter - How to care
Margarita - How to accept a compliment or a gift graciously
This is my short list of the closest people in to my spirit -there are many others and I have learned good things from each one.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Adventure
After months of struggle, where I have called the various things I have been going through any thing from a siege to things best left unprinted on a page and wondering if it will ever end, I have decided to call it my adventure. The reason is something the surgeon said to me as he was discharging me from the hospital. "we both are learning a lot from this one." Now I love knowledge, but I like learning new things as well. And any one who is willing to learn when situations do not turn out the way everyone else in creation expects them to, is a person I want on my side. And boy have I learned a lot, from how other people deal with their own disabilities, to the things I thought were my strong points, and how quickly they could be removed.
Thanks for listening
Thanks for listening
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Whoops,...
Lets see there are many song that come to my mind right now...Whoops, I did it AGAIN, and many more, but my favorite is an old Gene Autry Song... "Back in the Hospital Again"; or was that the saddle?
Yes folks as I thought I turned a corner, I fell, quite literally. Lost consciousness on Thursday and well on a West Broad sidewalk. Lost 2 days because my shunt worked to well and my swelling became concave. I just got back today...after the good Doctor tied off the shunt on Saturday. As Stamford Talk said there are many wonderful people there. I would include Stamford EMS, who picked me up and brought me there. So my wondrous adventure has become still more interesting and my life continues. I would love to know if there were any witnesses, cause I would really like to know what happened, I did not see any Advocate article.
Yes folks as I thought I turned a corner, I fell, quite literally. Lost consciousness on Thursday and well on a West Broad sidewalk. Lost 2 days because my shunt worked to well and my swelling became concave. I just got back today...after the good Doctor tied off the shunt on Saturday. As Stamford Talk said there are many wonderful people there. I would include Stamford EMS, who picked me up and brought me there. So my wondrous adventure has become still more interesting and my life continues. I would love to know if there were any witnesses, cause I would really like to know what happened, I did not see any Advocate article.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
How does it happen?
I have more time than any time in my life and my day seems filled to the brim. Okay some some of it that my mom will not leave till my vision and balance are okay and wants to be part of everything I do. That is okay, she is still worried and really can not get it quiet right, She has this perception that I am not strong and can not really walk and no matter how many times I explain it to her, she still thinks the same. Yes I am still weak, compared to what I was and get winded very easily and my lack of balance makes it look like I cannot walk. but I have not fallen yet.
In other uninteresting news, there are 2 people who are involved in the work I do at the Health Department that have been following me closely. That is Art Glowka and Josh Polar. It seems that not too many people at the Health Department appreciate Josh's strengths, maybe because he does not get involved with office politics and tries to do the best job he is able. That does ruffle feathers. But isn't that the way it is in all offices? The brown nosers get their way. So I actually am fairly out of touch with the workings down there and know less than you guys do.
Untill another time.
Pease.
In other uninteresting news, there are 2 people who are involved in the work I do at the Health Department that have been following me closely. That is Art Glowka and Josh Polar. It seems that not too many people at the Health Department appreciate Josh's strengths, maybe because he does not get involved with office politics and tries to do the best job he is able. That does ruffle feathers. But isn't that the way it is in all offices? The brown nosers get their way. So I actually am fairly out of touch with the workings down there and know less than you guys do.
Untill another time.
Pease.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The Slow Road
Yes, it is/has been a slow road.
Reality, I am still seeing double and do not have a great deal of strength.
The double vision has been improving. I walk better with double vision than with a patch. I shopped last night at commerce st Shop-rite...which is more of a feat than the Saturday morning feat because it was at the end of the day. It was tough. I am walking around my block, tho not very big. They are ending my in-house therapy tomorrow, they can't do any more for me. I will have to go to a facility for proper he[p, they say I have improved beyond what they are able to do for me.
Now for a bit of Heath Department Trivia. I listen to the Health Department Hot line messages and 2 were updated from july... the beach and shellfish hotline..the others tick, flu and west nile were not updated, so after some struggle I updated them the best I could. whooops..I am not suppose to be working!
Hopefully, I will get to this again with more trivia.
Reality, I am still seeing double and do not have a great deal of strength.
The double vision has been improving. I walk better with double vision than with a patch. I shopped last night at commerce st Shop-rite...which is more of a feat than the Saturday morning feat because it was at the end of the day. It was tough. I am walking around my block, tho not very big. They are ending my in-house therapy tomorrow, they can't do any more for me. I will have to go to a facility for proper he[p, they say I have improved beyond what they are able to do for me.
Now for a bit of Heath Department Trivia. I listen to the Health Department Hot line messages and 2 were updated from july... the beach and shellfish hotline..the others tick, flu and west nile were not updated, so after some struggle I updated them the best I could. whooops..I am not suppose to be working!
Hopefully, I will get to this again with more trivia.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Energy
Or Rather the like there in. I don't have it. I walk down a stairs and around back and I get back up stairs, I am exhausted. I trim some grass and pick 2 of 7 tomatos, I must sit down. At this point I feel clumbsy on my feet, but I must puch myself, cause that is the only way to get better. I actually am doing the excersizes the therapist gave me to do, but I still am tired. I could not keep going without the people in my household, but sometimes they are too helpful, I need to do things on my own.
I had a wonderful treat last night, one of the people from work, who is a massage therapist in her own country came over and help my mom. Her kindness was eveident, she brought her to youngest, extremely well behaved children, who happen to love our dog. We invited her dinner and it wasn't my best, it was okay. Then we gave her a ride home, she had walk from her place. Her kindness will not be forgotten. And the eneergy of her visit lasted. Do I have another angel looking after me???
I felt that it was a repayment of my many kindnesses, cause there have been many people I have tried to help in any way I could.
Again I am thankful for all these kind people in my life.
I had a wonderful treat last night, one of the people from work, who is a massage therapist in her own country came over and help my mom. Her kindness was eveident, she brought her to youngest, extremely well behaved children, who happen to love our dog. We invited her dinner and it wasn't my best, it was okay. Then we gave her a ride home, she had walk from her place. Her kindness will not be forgotten. And the eneergy of her visit lasted. Do I have another angel looking after me???
I felt that it was a repayment of my many kindnesses, cause there have been many people I have tried to help in any way I could.
Again I am thankful for all these kind people in my life.
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