recovery

Six weeks of being the helper...
driving,
cooking,
grocery shopping
for another who was on the mend.
It took its toll.
I was very tired,
exhausted,
sleeping early,
but waking early as well.
They have taken major steps forward and my burden for them is relieved.

Another,
who i count of one of a very few selected persons
whom i would trust with my heart and life,
but not for me, they were in a different relation and now they have taken a hiatus,
a vacation, a holiday so to speak and are away.
I am comforted in that this is good for them, but difficult for me.
Obviously i miss the daily conversations and the 2 children, especially the percious 1 and a half year old.
I am now recovering from that,
working around the house, painting cleaning.
More still to do.

Finally after 5 years i have found some one who does deep tissue theraputic massage on my neck and feel the difference.
It is all part of recovery.
It is all part of healing.

Taking Risks

I can not lose weight.
It is because i find great comfort in preparing and eating the food i prepare.
It is not super fatty, but it would not be considered low calorie.
My Doctor, the one who looks after my vision and head, worries about me cooking...
because i am using things that i could hurt myself with because of my vision.
Of course i think i take great risks each day i work where i do.
I think the danger is greater.
I am stubborn and willful
and i have tackle my issues head on.
I do not dance around them.
For severla days, i have been driving solo.
In the morning, when there is not a lot of traffic.
i did it ...
with ease.
I took my self off of driving because i did not trust my vision.
I am trusting my insticts to be careful more.
I will not be taking the car to work...
the end of the day is much too draining for me to try it,
but for short hops,
I think i can.

still going

A thousand titles for this, but the reality is that i am still in therecovery phase of the whole thing with the eyes.
Many issues were worrying me, but it turns out that some was due to improvement...now over 3 years since the operation.
This is not something that is typical, but prob\pted the doctor to tell me she expects still more by summer.
Wo!
I can say little more...

Allergies, Mistakes and side effects!

When i was coming out of the hospital a bit under three years ago, i complained about a particular triglyceride controlling med i was on and it was switched to trichlor.
What i did not know is there was an unusual side effect that has not yet been verified, but is under study, of increasing levels of a particular chemical in the blood that is usually associated with muscle fatigue.
Well , i have been off of it know some month and a half and i think i can verify it. I suddenly have much more energy and am completing full days...but of course there is still more.
It had been bothering me, but the wrong side of my glasses seemed to have more "prism". This is why i experimented with the "upside down" glasses just to see.
Finally i got a micrometer and measured and sure enough, the wrong side of the glasses have the most prism...i have a call into the doctor.
Allergies - they seem to be much worse this year, but we all knew that, didn't we????

The slow, but sure road to getting on with life

I still seem to have a thousand things to do.
I am still waiting for paperwork and such,
but it is only 2 weeks (less by a few hours).
It still seems sureal and i am not sure of anything.
"All is in order, this is the way things are", a therapist says to me,
but it seems so wrong that there is any order at all.
I have found that i have a huge support system and a lot of people who care about me.
It does not seem it is over, but the pieces are coming back together.
This happens to everyone and so it is not strange and yet for me it is....

A daily process

I am getting tired of doctor visits.
This long recovery is beginning to wear very thin/
So besides the main issue - the vision, where i go down to New York to see a Head Trauma Specialist/optomitrist,  I have my regular doctor who follows up with me doing blood tests and monitoring my general physical health.
March is the month for a physical, blood work and a stress test.
I also am going to a Orthopedic doctor for the fall i had hurting my shoulder and that involves physical therapy twice a week, then a visit to the doctor, then an MRI, then more physical therapy.
It just seems like my life revolves around doctors.
I could go to the gastroenterologist to see how my swallowing is doing, but I already know that the esophagus (which helps push food down) still is not working well, but it is better.
I wanted to go to a neurologist because i do not understand my brain at all.  It works better than ever, it is more creative, has better perception, but then it goes blank, like a circuit popped for a few seconds.  I will wait on that.
Also coming up is a visit to the neurosurgeon to insure that the tumor is not coming back.
I actually get exhausted thinking about all of this.
Such is the life of long term recovery.

North Wind

A cold North wind is blowing.
It howls through the houses.
Last night the snow fell again,
covering everything in a blanket of white.
In THE City yesterday,
more good news;
From really bad tests in Sepatember,
The doubleness of my vision continues to improve.
While the doctor agrees that work is where i am worn down,
it no longer inhibits my progress.
The recovery delayed,
is now a work in progress.
I use what the lab has to do my eye exercises.
The circumstances of difficulty, to grow.
I still ask for help,
but I get no answers.
It angered me once and at times still does,
but I struggle through it now and do the best i can,
i can do no more than that.
The cold north wind blows strong today,
I,
I sit by a warm fire.

fascinating

I had dozens of names for this post, fascinating, the way things work, confusions, Clarity? Catch 22, the egg or the chicken and the chicken or the egg and many, many more.
I just finished visiting the social security office to under stand how Social security disability works.
The story is like this; in order to apply for my works disability retirement, I should get social security disability first.  In order to get social security disability, I need to not work.  if I do not work, not only will I not have medical insurance, but i will no longer be eligible for disability retirement because I will no longer be working.  it will take 6 months for social security disability to kick in, which means i will not have an income for those 6 months.  i seemed to be trapped. 
On the other hand, Working 26 hours a week and taking the rest in my own sick and vacation time, has my vacation time actually increase each month and i get all my medical insurance coverage, which is very good.
No one seems to complain,except my boss gets aggravated, I think.  So if I continue this track, I can retire from the city in 2 and 1/2 years with a decent pension and in 7 1/2 years retire through socail security and get a enough to live on.
I am not sure if it makes sence, but that is what i seem to put together.

The truth told

She told me the truth,
that I did not want to hear.
I wanted to stay where I was,
wallowing in my own muckof
pain,
and bitterness,
and self loathing.
I was amgry that she told me the truth.
I did not want to leave,
I was comfortable,
in all of that hurt,
and anger,
and helplessness.
Somewhere deep inside,
reason spoke and i awoke and
ipulled my self out of that mud of my own making and
wshed,
and became clean,
and had hope again.

It is cold and i did not want to venture out

So I painted another snow scene.
Again do I slight mix with the acrylic white in certain places.

cooking inspiration

This is a lite post compared to what has been coming out lately...
I find my self inspired to do certain kinds or flavors of dishes by some typical inspirations;
restaurants, foods i have eaten at friends homes, even cooking shows, but then there are some really odd places i get inspiration.  An example is a meal of sausage, garlic, hot peppers and wine described in a science fiction book!
The other night I was watching the one show i know i am addicted to, "Bones" and they mentioned mac and cheese.
It hit me and I had to do a special one for dinner.
Joe's Mac & Cheese
2 pounds large tubular pasta - I used rigatoni
8 oz sliced mushrooms
1&1/2 stick butter
4 tablespoons flour
1/2 cup green chives
1 tablespoon freshly ground mixed pepper corns
1 tablespoon freshly ground alspice
1 tablespoon freshly ground nutmeg
1 tablespoon tarragon
1# shredded mozzarella cheese
3 cups milk
1 cup white wine
2 eggs
salt to taste

While you cook the pasta, you make the bechamel sauce which is a white sauce of milk, butter and flour.
Melt the butter and an equal portion of flour.  Do NOT brown, but when blended add milk and stir (for those who can not eat wheat, cornstarch works, but must be added to a hot mixture of milk and butter).
I added the mushroom to half the butter, then the wine and did the flour and the rest of the butter RUE separate and added it into that mixture.
After adding the milk and getting it hot, I added the spices.
Drain the pasta and put in a large baking pan.
Mix most of the cheese and chives (or scallion tops) with the pasta,
Beat the two eggs and add them to the white sauce and then pour over the pasta.
Tap with the remainder more cheese and bake for 30 minutes at 350 F.
Serve hot.
This will feed 8 hearty appetites.

And this is what "Bones" did to me!

It is pouring out of me...

I know that pain,

I know that dark spot in your heart;

for I have one also.

I comes welling up out of nowhere

and engulfs me.

Its darkness blots out the stars,

but they still shine.

It covers the sun,

but it is still there.

For a moment,

in the torrent of the wave 

of pain that engulfs me,

I do not see them,

but they are there.

This place has blackness,
it has no faith
and it is hopeless.
It tells me I am nobody,
I am useless,
but not with a roar, but with a whisper.
The whispers are only lies,

its power was not in the words, 

but the wave of feeling that,

has now past.

I, 

tho am not with out faith

and I have hope.

And the blackness passes,
leaving me drenched in its form.
It is not part of me and it leaves quickly.

I tremble at its passage, but still I am standing.

Healing

I saw her as a mere babe.
A child
who I could see,
was in trouble.
She could not speak,
but I picked her up
and cradles her in my arms.
Protecting her as best as I could.
Pressed against my chest,
with only a blanket to shield her...

from the cold, 

the pain 

and the hurt.

She woke and smiled.

It was going to be alright...

Twisted

I have made mountain out of molehills

and

I have made molehills out of mountains.

It does seem strange how twisted this all is...

for the things I believed would be the most difficult

are not.

And those very simple things become,

well at best...

complicated.

How very twisted!

The Tsunami did engulf me this week...

I did see it coming,

but it was not from where I expected,

that situation was a mere ripple, it worked out.

From other areas it came engulfing me,

little things of no consequences...

that left me breathless and angry...

and swallowed me up.

But I am here

and that is good.

Drenched, but still standing.

Breathing, but heavily because I thought my breath had run out.

Still, I am

________Smiling, I am.

___________________Surprising people and laughing,

I am.

alone

There have been a few difficult days at work, not because of my physical well being (which has not been great), not because my eyes were giving me grief (they were, but that is besides the point), and not because i am emotinoally distraught from other things (okay, i am that also, but still not my issue).
The problem seems to be no one seems to want to work any more. 
Do the bare minimum and that is all there is to it. 
Do no more, have no vision, no interest, no curiosity, no compassion.
It bothers me because as i struggle with all my physical issues, I am trying to do just a little bit more.
Responsibility seems to be my theme, as much as I can take as I try to get better.
Sometimes I feel like I am alone in this.

Rainy Days

While rainy days usually gets other people down, they give me an opertunity...to paint~
Steve Borichevsky of Shooting my Universe has provide many wonderful photos on his blog site and a few have been inspirational for me.
The following photo showing a boat in rough seas did it to me.  It was posted a while ago, but the rainy day yesterday allowed me to try to capture the feel of the photo.
So here is my rendition!

I did something i am not used to, I left blank paper to try to capture the white caps and this was a difficult piece for me. It was done in water color on 10 1/2" x 15" rough cold press paper.

More than us

Picture by Peter van Leuteren - www.all-sky.nl.

The stars shin brightly above,
showing their brightness,
they gleam like diamonds on black velvet.
There may be clouds that cover them today (in truth there are clouds),
but they always shine.
Even in the greatest tragedy,
we are not in control,
but the stars shine on!

I really did not want to scare any one...

The signs I see coming are not about me, but they create a very emotional turmoil in me.
It is not a surprise and i have been expecting things to go "wrong", after all my mother is 87.
It is not imminent, but I find my self unprepared to do anything about it.
I am too far away and still have too much going on with my own health.
She is also resistant because there is this expectation, after all I am an only child...
And I still can not.
Her family is all around her, many of them, but she seems not to let them in close.
All in all a difficult situation.
What precipitated this?
Two things - a report from one of the 2 people I trust to tell me how she is doing.
And some of how she is comig acroos when I speak to her.
It is not dementia, her mind is sharp and it is not depression where she feels she is ready to go (she has been there), it is her talk of past people (family) who are no longer there with a wistful longing to be reconnected. That I have seen before and so I know what it means.
I, I am not ready, but she is.

foreknowledge

It is a worry of my heart, reading between the lines of things I hear.

I have a fear that it is coming,
the tide seems to be going out way too fast.
The danger signs are flashing in my heart.
I stop and remember to breath.
Are the birds just leaving because I have disturbed them or
is there more danger coming.
My heart trembles,
I
___feel
______alone,
helpless,
bewildered.
You demand my help.
but I can barely help my self,
How can I help you?
In the distance...
is it my blurry vision that changes...
the line were the earth meets the sky?
Or is it a tsunami that comes?

The machines Did NOT win this day!

The terminators did not kill most of humanity, the master controller failed.
Today, i took charge and got all the unruly beasts back in line.
Our poor IT department was befuddled for days,
but they had bigger fish to fry than my little program.
When the servers went down, I was in the middle of some VBA tweaking and as a result my entire VBA for the database was corrupted.
The backup from IT did not help, but my CD copy did the trick.
The new machine with some firmware/software problems was brought into submission by the Service guy from the company and my argon tank is no longer leaking!
So the end of the world and machine domination is not yet!