Fear

Friday, while at the library waiting for David to check out some DVDs (by the way, they are free and very current), I had a chance to talk to one of the volunteers in the library bookshop who is blind in one eye for about 10 years now. She did not go into detail, but she talked about cooping with the confusion and fear it first created and the confusion it still creates. It was a conversation I could completely relate to and it helped me access something very real, but hidden away deep in my heart. Fear! I cope with it everyday, fear of falling, fear of losing the glasses, fear of never seeing correctly again, fear of not being able to work, do the things I love.
Fear of being alone, because people do not like to be reminded we are not invulnerable, that things happen in an instant which can change our life, forever. Accidents, illnesses, cancer, brain tumors. We have no control and no real recourse.
People call me courageous or brave and i really do not know what they are talking about. I am only a scared little boy trying to regain some semblance of a life back.
And that is what is real.
It was a good walk and great to meet some one who lifted my spirits by having already gone through an Adventure for a long time.

Problems and outlook

I sway,
left to right,
right to left,
as if drunk,
but haven't consumed a drop!
The world doubles and swirls,
The snow outside hasn't stopped.

Welcome to my world, at this time. It almost seems worse that some times I can see well, because when i can't it is a real pain, but I woke up still thankful for all that i have.
At this point, I often branch out to the amny different things in other peoples lives:
A person I call a brother (but not by blood) in Virginia with significant heart problems and no insurance;
A friend here in Stamford, whose mom is having issues with unresponsive doctors,
Uncool's child with the autoimmune disease,
Manager moms' mom just diagnosed with cancer.
All these people remind me as a Buddhist saying - In this world, there is suffering.
My corollary is problems become what we make of them or they make of us what they are.
No more for today.

Stars

I went out for a walk (with David) to the Mall for a walk and a haircut (I haven't had one since July and I found out that the body kind of shuts down after a shock) and a visit to my bank. I ran into people who have not seen me since July and found out that i was missed! Each of these people (even the ones with not so good reputations) came up to me, greeted me, asked where I have been and what happened. Some of them, who were working, went out of their way to see me. I sometimes am amazed by these positive responses, I consider these people stars in my universe, shinning brightly, giving light and being light. Again i say I am amazed and feel fortunate to know these people.