I awoke early, as usual and
felt unseen arms hold on to me,
caressing my head and face.
I am very lucky to have persons who care so deeply for me, I thought,
for it was not one, but several.
Each with their hearts caring for me.
I have sent pieces of my heart out
to most of those I meet.
Some hide the piece
and pretend they never had it.
Other grasp for more,
to take it all is what they want.
Others still crunch it between their heel,
for any thought is unwelcome.
Then there are those who treasure it,
and i return send a piece of their heart back.
Those are the ones I woke up to this morning.
It was beautiful.
Maybe one day I will wake up and
they will not be invisible.
The wind blew today,
but the leaves of many colors stayed strong.
many were gone,
but many more hung on.
In their brilliant show,
yellows, ocher, orange and red.
They are beautiful.
Soon these will pass,
but for now they are beautiful.
Showing posts with label friends and more. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends and more. Show all posts
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Another story - Mary
My muse is returning. i can feel it sneaking up, just around the corner, but before it takes over, there is another story to be told.
Mary was the niece of the friend with whom I came to Connecticut with.
I met her some time after coming here tho.
She was bold, unpretentious and daring.
She was a bit younger than me, but she went a different way before i had a real chance to know her.
She was married to someone sometime before Penny died.
That person was not a good influence, he dealt drugs, she became addicted.
He was sent to prison and taken out of her life, but not before he gave her an HIV infection.
Her addiction brought her to shoplift and she was caught and sent to prison.
Some where and some how, while in prison (she was back and forth a few times) she cleaned up.
When she cleaned up her mother would go to visit and asked me to accompany her for the 2 hour ride.
I did so gladly, I have no issue with any kind of person.
I got to know her a bit and then she was released.
She stayed clean, but the infection took its toll and soon became AIDS.
Her attitude was still brash and refreshing and she would speak her mind, it was refreshing.
She came to live with John and David and I at some point and it was good to get to know her, but she was dying and she knew it.
She showed me how to love and live life, even tho death was in her face.
I learned that lesson last year.
There were times she needed comforting, I would hold her hands and hug her and let her talk.
I know hoe the virus is transmitted and none of those thing were any danger for me. She was not a "pariah", not a leper, she was a human being who was dying and needed comfort.
She stayed with us a bit over a year and I got to know her and love her, i also came to find out she had always loved me.
Then the dementia took its toll and she no long knew who we were are who she was.
She spent her last 2 months in a very special Hospice called "Bread and Roses".
She died there, but left me with many gifts of memories and some times I think I hear her calling me and just directing me to love life a bit more.
Mary was the niece of the friend with whom I came to Connecticut with.
I met her some time after coming here tho.
She was bold, unpretentious and daring.
She was a bit younger than me, but she went a different way before i had a real chance to know her.
She was married to someone sometime before Penny died.
That person was not a good influence, he dealt drugs, she became addicted.
He was sent to prison and taken out of her life, but not before he gave her an HIV infection.
Her addiction brought her to shoplift and she was caught and sent to prison.
Some where and some how, while in prison (she was back and forth a few times) she cleaned up.
When she cleaned up her mother would go to visit and asked me to accompany her for the 2 hour ride.
I did so gladly, I have no issue with any kind of person.
I got to know her a bit and then she was released.
She stayed clean, but the infection took its toll and soon became AIDS.
Her attitude was still brash and refreshing and she would speak her mind, it was refreshing.
She came to live with John and David and I at some point and it was good to get to know her, but she was dying and she knew it.
She showed me how to love and live life, even tho death was in her face.
I learned that lesson last year.
There were times she needed comforting, I would hold her hands and hug her and let her talk.
I know hoe the virus is transmitted and none of those thing were any danger for me. She was not a "pariah", not a leper, she was a human being who was dying and needed comfort.
She stayed with us a bit over a year and I got to know her and love her, i also came to find out she had always loved me.
Then the dementia took its toll and she no long knew who we were are who she was.
She spent her last 2 months in a very special Hospice called "Bread and Roses".
She died there, but left me with many gifts of memories and some times I think I hear her calling me and just directing me to love life a bit more.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I remember
Specifically the song by Simon and Garfunkel, "Mrs. Robinson". There music was probably the only music I was able to relate to back then.
They talked of loneliness so many times, in so many tunes.
I am reminded how fortunate I am with my very close friends and then I met them,
the lonely people. The ones who are scared and lonely and actually say hi back when you greet them.
Some how I am reminded of another poet and the Hollow men, which I saw read by a wonderful thespian in High school.
I have seen some one as I walk near our street, who invited me for a beer as I walked past. We talked a bit and I knew he was lonely. There are so many lonely people in this world!
How fortunate am I!
They talked of loneliness so many times, in so many tunes.
I am reminded how fortunate I am with my very close friends and then I met them,
the lonely people. The ones who are scared and lonely and actually say hi back when you greet them.
Some how I am reminded of another poet and the Hollow men, which I saw read by a wonderful thespian in High school.
I have seen some one as I walk near our street, who invited me for a beer as I walked past. We talked a bit and I knew he was lonely. There are so many lonely people in this world!
How fortunate am I!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Introductions
These are the people who have carried me through high water.
They know me completely and each has a story of their own.
Franklin - We met in Houston where he had moved from New Your City with his wife and son to join a community out of an Episcopal (the church of the Redeemer) in a poorer section of Houston. He and his wife had a quest and for a while they found it in that rather large community. I met him as I was going to college and he was an assistant administrator at a semi-free medical clinic (meaning you paid what you could) in a really poor area of Houston. I got a chance to work in the lab, which was my first work experience as a chemist and got to know him and his family. He is passionate, particularly when it comes to care for other people who do not have. When they moved back up to this area (at the request of another episcopal church) they invited me to come. Things worked out that I finished my degree and came.
There is a portion of us that share the same feel for others and caring, as he is very outspoken, he took a lot of pot shots for doing it. We all did a lot in Stamford, much unrecognized, but that is not why we did it. There are many of the people in the South end who benefited, who do remember.
Marie - Franklin's wife, a very passionate individual. She tells me that if she had not married Frank, she would have joined the catholic workers. I consider her my pastor. She was one of those who got to see me almost dead last December and still worries a great deal over me.
Walter - born an orphan, raised in a foster home. Has only one eye and has an extremely compassionate heart. Found our small group when we moved up here and helped a great deal when we started what was called the community of St. Luke in an old episcopal chapel in the south end.
John - I call him an ex alcoholic, he would not, even though he has not had anything to drink in 33 years. Very capable mechanical engineer (with no degree). Met the rest of us down at St. Luke's . He is possibly the most gentle man I have ever met (all 6' 2" of him) and remember how much care he took of the abused people who came to the shelter. He currently is my main mode of transportation outside of walking.
David, I have talked of before. The son of a Lutheran pastor an slightly brain damaged at birth, his gifts of caring are incredible, especially to animals, the mentally ill and me (may be not much difference there).
Everyone of these people is older than me by a number of years (4 at a minimum), the next 2 are younger.
Margareta - came to the Lab as our first office /clerical help. She is married (to a guy I like a lot) and has 3 children. She has an older sister who was born with a number of problems at birth and she talks of the compassion she learned from this. We bonded early in her time of work in the lab and she has moved up to bigger and better things, but stays in close touch with me and was an incredible encouragement during the first few months after the surgery. I some times think of her as mu guardian angel.
Courtney - She works as an AIDs councelor (a job I would not want to have) and is a Reike master. For what ever reason the paths we go on are always very similas as far as spiritual learning. When I real need help, I know she will be there.
Each of these can tell me things I need to hear, even if i do not want to hear and i will listen. they are that important to me.
They know me completely and each has a story of their own.
Franklin - We met in Houston where he had moved from New Your City with his wife and son to join a community out of an Episcopal (the church of the Redeemer) in a poorer section of Houston. He and his wife had a quest and for a while they found it in that rather large community. I met him as I was going to college and he was an assistant administrator at a semi-free medical clinic (meaning you paid what you could) in a really poor area of Houston. I got a chance to work in the lab, which was my first work experience as a chemist and got to know him and his family. He is passionate, particularly when it comes to care for other people who do not have. When they moved back up to this area (at the request of another episcopal church) they invited me to come. Things worked out that I finished my degree and came.
There is a portion of us that share the same feel for others and caring, as he is very outspoken, he took a lot of pot shots for doing it. We all did a lot in Stamford, much unrecognized, but that is not why we did it. There are many of the people in the South end who benefited, who do remember.
Marie - Franklin's wife, a very passionate individual. She tells me that if she had not married Frank, she would have joined the catholic workers. I consider her my pastor. She was one of those who got to see me almost dead last December and still worries a great deal over me.
Walter - born an orphan, raised in a foster home. Has only one eye and has an extremely compassionate heart. Found our small group when we moved up here and helped a great deal when we started what was called the community of St. Luke in an old episcopal chapel in the south end.
John - I call him an ex alcoholic, he would not, even though he has not had anything to drink in 33 years. Very capable mechanical engineer (with no degree). Met the rest of us down at St. Luke's . He is possibly the most gentle man I have ever met (all 6' 2" of him) and remember how much care he took of the abused people who came to the shelter. He currently is my main mode of transportation outside of walking.
David, I have talked of before. The son of a Lutheran pastor an slightly brain damaged at birth, his gifts of caring are incredible, especially to animals, the mentally ill and me (may be not much difference there).
Everyone of these people is older than me by a number of years (4 at a minimum), the next 2 are younger.
Margareta - came to the Lab as our first office /clerical help. She is married (to a guy I like a lot) and has 3 children. She has an older sister who was born with a number of problems at birth and she talks of the compassion she learned from this. We bonded early in her time of work in the lab and she has moved up to bigger and better things, but stays in close touch with me and was an incredible encouragement during the first few months after the surgery. I some times think of her as mu guardian angel.
Courtney - She works as an AIDs councelor (a job I would not want to have) and is a Reike master. For what ever reason the paths we go on are always very similas as far as spiritual learning. When I real need help, I know she will be there.
Each of these can tell me things I need to hear, even if i do not want to hear and i will listen. they are that important to me.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Clarity
Last night, I was assaulted.
One held me down and the other ...well
Licked me!
Yes, you heard right, the girls are back at our house for a short week long stay.
They look so innocent, don't they?
Their owner/companion is away for a week and they get to stay with their father (not me, him----->
)!
There was a thunderstorm outside and the girls were a bit frightened and I was the one they choose to protest (or was it cower with?)
Anyway I woke up with both in my small bed and well you know the rest of the story.
The Labs are very social creatures and their breeding makes them totally attached to humans.
They love seemingly unconditionally and their desire is to just be with you, touch you and yes in this case, lick me. I had to shower cause I was woken by the one giving me the full face treatment.
They have no ulterior motives, they want love, they will bark to pretend to protect from outsiders (notice pretend, cause these 2 would not hurt a flea) and they want to snuggle. They are confident in love and they want very little else (except a walk and food and to g out, but you get the drift).
To the point, a short time ago some one tried to barge their way into my life. They said many things which were both very aggressive (relationship wise) and made me feel very uneasy.
They wanted some thing, but there was manipulation in all their words.
I knew they had an illness and maybe I could deal, but I could not. Tell me straight forward and if I reject the idea, deal with it, but they beat around the bush trying all kinds of tricks to gain sympathy. I did not fall for it.
I have some mighty strong friends, at work and at home, they do not try to manipulate me, they have been supportive, even when I am having a very hard time.
And then there are the two girls who are staying us us, they remind me what love really is, don't they?
One held me down and the other ...well
Licked me!
Yes, you heard right, the girls are back at our house for a short week long stay.
They look so innocent, don't they?
Their owner/companion is away for a week and they get to stay with their father (not me, him----->
)!There was a thunderstorm outside and the girls were a bit frightened and I was the one they choose to protest (or was it cower with?)
Anyway I woke up with both in my small bed and well you know the rest of the story.
The Labs are very social creatures and their breeding makes them totally attached to humans.
They love seemingly unconditionally and their desire is to just be with you, touch you and yes in this case, lick me. I had to shower cause I was woken by the one giving me the full face treatment.
They have no ulterior motives, they want love, they will bark to pretend to protect from outsiders (notice pretend, cause these 2 would not hurt a flea) and they want to snuggle. They are confident in love and they want very little else (except a walk and food and to g out, but you get the drift).
To the point, a short time ago some one tried to barge their way into my life. They said many things which were both very aggressive (relationship wise) and made me feel very uneasy.
They wanted some thing, but there was manipulation in all their words.
I knew they had an illness and maybe I could deal, but I could not. Tell me straight forward and if I reject the idea, deal with it, but they beat around the bush trying all kinds of tricks to gain sympathy. I did not fall for it.
I have some mighty strong friends, at work and at home, they do not try to manipulate me, they have been supportive, even when I am having a very hard time.
And then there are the two girls who are staying us us, they remind me what love really is, don't they?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
A helping hand
I have several people I can count on for extreme support at my job. The first was our first clerical help in the lab, 23 years ago. She had moved on to bigger and better thing in the building, but will drop everything and listen when i come by.
The second is a Reiki master and is a counselor with our AIDS program. Today as I was leaving and was having a particularly difficult time, she stopped, grabbed my head and cleared it in a minute.
The third, who is the most needy, will call if it is raining to give me a ride in and stops just to see how I am. She has lots of needs, is one of the working poor, but cut off her long 3 foot beautiful hair earlier this year to give to cancer patients who had lost theirs.
These are really important people...in my life and my heart. This post is only to ackknowledge their help and to say thanks.
The second is a Reiki master and is a counselor with our AIDS program. Today as I was leaving and was having a particularly difficult time, she stopped, grabbed my head and cleared it in a minute.
The third, who is the most needy, will call if it is raining to give me a ride in and stops just to see how I am. She has lots of needs, is one of the working poor, but cut off her long 3 foot beautiful hair earlier this year to give to cancer patients who had lost theirs.
These are really important people...in my life and my heart. This post is only to ackknowledge their help and to say thanks.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The prison
I awoke in a sweat.
barely able to breathe.
The walls, which were bars were closing in on me.
There was no escape, I was trapped.
Trapped with pain and misery and hurt,
with no where to go and no way to get there.
I thought that I had made this prison in recent memory, but i was wrong.
Its history stretched back to a time i could barely remember.
It trapped my hear ,suffocating it,
creating a great frenzy trying to escape from a cage, a prison of its own device.
Made to protect itself from hurt,
it became the source of hurt and pain.
I looked to where my arms had been and there were wings!
And I flew and soared far away.
And the cage, the prison, was left broken on the ground.
There is at least one person in my life who has been a source of continued encouragement in my life and especially during this adventure.
I have known this person for some 25 years and when I met her, I felt that I had always known her.
When we first met, this presented a great deal of confusion in me, because she was married and had one child and I liked her husband. She now has 3 children and the same very good man as a husband. We have stayed fast friends with no danger of anything else, despite my own confusion. It is who I am.
The people at the work place did not understand and would say mean things behind her back and I would laugh at their stupidity and shallowness to their face.
At times I would be angry with them, but our friendship remained strong.
Of course, i was still confused and asked for understanding on how 2 people could be so close and not a "couple". One day after she rescued me form severe despair with a visit in the hospital , a "solution" came to me and whether it be correct or not, it brought peace to my heart and put and end to my confusion; she was simply the other "half" of my soul. Not a soul mate, because we were closer in inexplicable ways than that., but actually the other part of me and in this case she was there to keep me on my path for this life.
Where it be theologically sound or not, it brought me peace and she remains forever someone who will be close.
barely able to breathe.
The walls, which were bars were closing in on me.
There was no escape, I was trapped.
Trapped with pain and misery and hurt,
with no where to go and no way to get there.
I thought that I had made this prison in recent memory, but i was wrong.
Its history stretched back to a time i could barely remember.
It trapped my hear ,suffocating it,
creating a great frenzy trying to escape from a cage, a prison of its own device.
Made to protect itself from hurt,
it became the source of hurt and pain.
I looked to where my arms had been and there were wings!
And I flew and soared far away.
And the cage, the prison, was left broken on the ground.
There is at least one person in my life who has been a source of continued encouragement in my life and especially during this adventure.
I have known this person for some 25 years and when I met her, I felt that I had always known her.
When we first met, this presented a great deal of confusion in me, because she was married and had one child and I liked her husband. She now has 3 children and the same very good man as a husband. We have stayed fast friends with no danger of anything else, despite my own confusion. It is who I am.
The people at the work place did not understand and would say mean things behind her back and I would laugh at their stupidity and shallowness to their face.
At times I would be angry with them, but our friendship remained strong.
Of course, i was still confused and asked for understanding on how 2 people could be so close and not a "couple". One day after she rescued me form severe despair with a visit in the hospital , a "solution" came to me and whether it be correct or not, it brought peace to my heart and put and end to my confusion; she was simply the other "half" of my soul. Not a soul mate, because we were closer in inexplicable ways than that., but actually the other part of me and in this case she was there to keep me on my path for this life.
Where it be theologically sound or not, it brought me peace and she remains forever someone who will be close.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Past the annual
I as truly out of it on March 18th of this year, after those eye exercises and everything and totally missed my annual, I mean my first anniversary of blogging! Yes I started on March 18th, 2008 and it is all StamfordTalk's fault! Now i really did not get going well until May 10 (2 posts in March of 2008), but StamfordTalk did inspire me. Well i stand corrected, I did do an environmental post on March 5, 2008! Still, it was StamfordTalk who helped me understand the joys of blogging and then I found out just how important it was during my adventure, proceeding to blog as often as I could chronicling the long road from babbling idiot to sane man again.
It was beyond my expectations an extremely valuable tool in my recovery and along the way I picked up a number of people who I would call on line friends. the support has been real, the issues have been real. The stories have been incredible!
So for everyone who has every stopped by, read or left a comment or a prayer, I thank you.
It was beyond my expectations an extremely valuable tool in my recovery and along the way I picked up a number of people who I would call on line friends. the support has been real, the issues have been real. The stories have been incredible!
So for everyone who has every stopped by, read or left a comment or a prayer, I thank you.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
So what do I do in the morning?
I wake up, first! In many ways it is a wonderful feeling to feel the act of waking up (I remember times both before the surgery and after that waking up was nothing but a struggle).
I brew a coffee and then sit back in my bed drinking the coffee and trying my eye exercises (and there seems to be some improvement).
Some time during this time, I must use the facilities, then I get dressed, put on the reading glasses and start looking at the different new posts. Of course "Uncool" gets me laughing. Most of the time I can say something, but on occasion "Stamford Talks'" "Fancy Pancakes" post are beyond my experience and I am unable to add anything, funny, constructive or otherwise, as she posts about her pregnancy.
Then there are a variety of Stamford local issues, which are always of interest:
"Blog Stamford"
"StamfordCT"
"Streets of Stamford"
"Stamford, the place that Works?"
There are a few more and sometimes the info is duplicated, but still it keeps my fingers in things.
Then I usually go over with baited breathe to "Unloaded", hoping that there will be the final installment of the riveting "Bennington Girl" posts.
Usually I end up at " WingDangDo", who has a great wit about her, even when going through tragedy. She has made me cry a couple of times.
My final refreshment is with "Cogito Ergo Suma" with her art and "Really" and her movie and book reviews.
Most of these bloggers are from Stamford (all, I think) and it is a good way to get going, then I post something going on whether it is worthwhile to anyone but me doesn't matter. It is worthwhile to me and occasionally I am surprised by references and comments!
Then I have breakfast and work out for 15 minuted.
Then it is time for a 15 minute break and it is usually 10 or so and if David is home we get ready for a walk. If you see someone with a blond would cane walking the streets of Stamford, it really is not an unknown bum, it is me, a known bum...until next week!
I brew a coffee and then sit back in my bed drinking the coffee and trying my eye exercises (and there seems to be some improvement).
Some time during this time, I must use the facilities, then I get dressed, put on the reading glasses and start looking at the different new posts. Of course "Uncool" gets me laughing. Most of the time I can say something, but on occasion "Stamford Talks'" "Fancy Pancakes" post are beyond my experience and I am unable to add anything, funny, constructive or otherwise, as she posts about her pregnancy.
Then there are a variety of Stamford local issues, which are always of interest:
"Blog Stamford"
"StamfordCT"
"Streets of Stamford"
"Stamford, the place that Works?"
There are a few more and sometimes the info is duplicated, but still it keeps my fingers in things.
Then I usually go over with baited breathe to "Unloaded", hoping that there will be the final installment of the riveting "Bennington Girl" posts.
Usually I end up at " WingDangDo", who has a great wit about her, even when going through tragedy. She has made me cry a couple of times.
My final refreshment is with "Cogito Ergo Suma" with her art and "Really" and her movie and book reviews.
Most of these bloggers are from Stamford (all, I think) and it is a good way to get going, then I post something going on whether it is worthwhile to anyone but me doesn't matter. It is worthwhile to me and occasionally I am surprised by references and comments!
Then I have breakfast and work out for 15 minuted.
Then it is time for a 15 minute break and it is usually 10 or so and if David is home we get ready for a walk. If you see someone with a blond would cane walking the streets of Stamford, it really is not an unknown bum, it is me, a known bum...until next week!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The idiosyncrasies of my heart
Yes it is Valentines Day and I am not a big fan. Most men have to fit into a romantic mold to survive this day, even if they are not and I do not fit into the mold.
This is not the first valentines day that I have been without a lover, but even when i was, they were not impressed with valentines day and my own efforts were mostly wasted.
So as i reflected this morning, i had one thought and then another and they led me to the many people in my life who have helped me through my Adventure.
These are the important people.
These are the people who love me and i them, in perhaps a more intimate way than many couples i have known.
There are those in my community who have supported me, directed me, cried over me and almost seen me die. They are a complete part of each day of my life, each struggle i go through and i with them. There are no embarrassing thoughts, just things to grow from. They have supported me when i am too weak.
The names i will mention will mean nothing to you, but do to me:
Marie, Franklin's wife and my pastor, a person with a whole lot of heart.
David, with whom i have no idea how i would survive without;.
Franklin, the person who helps direct us, who is down in Virginia trying to get things ready for the rest of us. He has a lot of wisdom, foresight and heart.
Those are the closet people, but i must mention Scott (Franklin and Marie's son), John, who also lives in the same house and Walter, who lives with Franklin. Each is very important to me.
There is also my mom, who despite being 85, would have tried to take care of me during this Adventure. She couldn't except in here mind and i would have had to take care of her, but she lives in Virginia with her family, who do keep her occupied.
Outside of that, there are a host, just so you get to know i am by no means isolated.
Margarita, who is a happily married mother of 3, has really been there in my darkest times and there is a connection between us that I can't really describe. She has all my lost and respect.
Courtney, a person with whom I am constantly amazed because we share so many life lessons.
Jenny, who amazes me by her kindness through all of her adversity.
Irene, also a married friend with a daughter, who despite all of her struggles, will still try to be there when she is able.
As i face my fears (yes, i have a lot of those messing with my mind), each of these people has shown the Love that has helped me through those fears and given me hope.
Are these people Lovers? In a very special way that we each understand.
There is one more set of people who i must mention. These are people who are not really in my life. Some of them i keep contact with and all of them would still be welcomed if they came to my door.
Pam, my first girlfriend who lives in California now with her partner (i do not know if they are still considered married with all the craziness in that state). I keep in touch with her by email and she reads this blog (but does not comment). She has a piece of my heart.
Larry, my best childhood friend, who I couldn't understand when he called me (the Texas accent was wonderful, but I have been away from it for too long), but still kept trying to keep in touch. We still communicate by email. I am glad that we keep in touch.
Irene (Spanish pronunciation, Erenee), who I went out with for a few years, but i knew she wanted to marry a person from her own country (Columbia). She did, but it is always nice to see and talk to her on the street. I learned my conversational Spanish from her.
Paula, another lady who i went out with for a few years, who i didn't total understand emotionally. It was good to see and talk to her the other day.
All the neighbors on the street i live, they are just that good neighbors.
Also, i must mention Jake, the lab mix in our house, who is the kindest, gentlest dog I have ever met.
Now for the difficult part, the people who I carry with me, but will not see at least physically.
There is my Dad, who has been very present these last few months. I keep running into notes and instructions he gave to me (and pictures).
There is Penny, my first girlfriend up here. We had a crazy and unbelievably connection. It was not a consistent relationship, but when she died (unexpectedly from complications due to leukemia), I swear she came to me while i was working in the Lab and told me "Tell everyone I Love them , I've got to go now!" I still cry remembering this.
Mary, who had a really difficult life and made many bad decisions. But she had very strong feeling for me and I got to share the last months of her life .
Mr. M, AL, who turned into my best friend up here, we got to pal around a lot. He died when he was almost 85 in all the manners he had hoped for. I hope that I am given the same gift.
The emotions from writing this post are high and I know I have left some people out who are never the less very important, but I can not continue.
This is not the first valentines day that I have been without a lover, but even when i was, they were not impressed with valentines day and my own efforts were mostly wasted.
So as i reflected this morning, i had one thought and then another and they led me to the many people in my life who have helped me through my Adventure.
These are the important people.
These are the people who love me and i them, in perhaps a more intimate way than many couples i have known.
There are those in my community who have supported me, directed me, cried over me and almost seen me die. They are a complete part of each day of my life, each struggle i go through and i with them. There are no embarrassing thoughts, just things to grow from. They have supported me when i am too weak.
The names i will mention will mean nothing to you, but do to me:
Marie, Franklin's wife and my pastor, a person with a whole lot of heart.
David, with whom i have no idea how i would survive without;.
Franklin, the person who helps direct us, who is down in Virginia trying to get things ready for the rest of us. He has a lot of wisdom, foresight and heart.
Those are the closet people, but i must mention Scott (Franklin and Marie's son), John, who also lives in the same house and Walter, who lives with Franklin. Each is very important to me.
There is also my mom, who despite being 85, would have tried to take care of me during this Adventure. She couldn't except in here mind and i would have had to take care of her, but she lives in Virginia with her family, who do keep her occupied.
Outside of that, there are a host, just so you get to know i am by no means isolated.
Margarita, who is a happily married mother of 3, has really been there in my darkest times and there is a connection between us that I can't really describe. She has all my lost and respect.
Courtney, a person with whom I am constantly amazed because we share so many life lessons.
Jenny, who amazes me by her kindness through all of her adversity.
Irene, also a married friend with a daughter, who despite all of her struggles, will still try to be there when she is able.
As i face my fears (yes, i have a lot of those messing with my mind), each of these people has shown the Love that has helped me through those fears and given me hope.
Are these people Lovers? In a very special way that we each understand.
There is one more set of people who i must mention. These are people who are not really in my life. Some of them i keep contact with and all of them would still be welcomed if they came to my door.
Pam, my first girlfriend who lives in California now with her partner (i do not know if they are still considered married with all the craziness in that state). I keep in touch with her by email and she reads this blog (but does not comment). She has a piece of my heart.
Larry, my best childhood friend, who I couldn't understand when he called me (the Texas accent was wonderful, but I have been away from it for too long), but still kept trying to keep in touch. We still communicate by email. I am glad that we keep in touch.
Irene (Spanish pronunciation, Erenee), who I went out with for a few years, but i knew she wanted to marry a person from her own country (Columbia). She did, but it is always nice to see and talk to her on the street. I learned my conversational Spanish from her.
Paula, another lady who i went out with for a few years, who i didn't total understand emotionally. It was good to see and talk to her the other day.
All the neighbors on the street i live, they are just that good neighbors.
Also, i must mention Jake, the lab mix in our house, who is the kindest, gentlest dog I have ever met.
Now for the difficult part, the people who I carry with me, but will not see at least physically.
There is my Dad, who has been very present these last few months. I keep running into notes and instructions he gave to me (and pictures).
There is Penny, my first girlfriend up here. We had a crazy and unbelievably connection. It was not a consistent relationship, but when she died (unexpectedly from complications due to leukemia), I swear she came to me while i was working in the Lab and told me "Tell everyone I Love them , I've got to go now!" I still cry remembering this.
Mary, who had a really difficult life and made many bad decisions. But she had very strong feeling for me and I got to share the last months of her life .
Mr. M, AL, who turned into my best friend up here, we got to pal around a lot. He died when he was almost 85 in all the manners he had hoped for. I hope that I am given the same gift.
The emotions from writing this post are high and I know I have left some people out who are never the less very important, but I can not continue.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Approaching a difficult Subgect.
With my eyes still an issue and having very little energy ...yes, I have been busy around the house, and for some reason less time. But there are good points to all that, I had one of the therapist come by the day before, who had seen me two weeks ago in the hospital and she was amazed at how weel I was doing, so all is not lost, there is hope yet. but I might be pushing my self a bit.
This is an ode for a dear friend, who past the second week I was in the hospital....
I remember him best because he became very closely attached to me and would really follow me every where I was, greeting when I came home late at all times, and never upset except when I left town for some days. He would greet me and then go and show me how much I wasn't missed. but I was. When he was young, he would bring me presents that I was not completely happy with, but that was beside the point, he was my companion and he died at the ripe old age of 18 1/4 or translated into cat years 95. Yes this cat came to me by a coworker who found out that I had lost a white cat some 6 months before. He was a child of a stray with one other sister and no other siblings. He came to the house, terrified and ran down to the basement and it took me some time to coax him out, but after I did he became my friend for life. He also immediately adopted out old cocker spaniel and would litteraly go with the dog when we walked him. When he became sick, the cat would catch a squirrel and give it to the dog. The cat live through 3 other dogs and always liked them.
He was given to me with the undignified name of with boy, I detested it. After observing him in action, he had something regal about him and I named him Senoir, not as a senor, but as the spanish SENIOR! The man and he was. his first "job" was to learn what his territory was and what it was he had to protect and what was fair game. The squirrels that ate my home grown tomatoes were the first thing he learn about and began taking them out and having them for dinner and I got tomatoes. The next was that Davis raised birds, chichen, pigeons and others, they were his, but not for eating, but to protect. When david would let his pigeons out for a short fly, Senoir would go inti the coop and play CLOSED CLAWS WITH THE PIGEONS. tHE PIGEONS NOT ONLY ALLOWED THIS, BUT ENCOUAGED IT. We woud see other neighborhood cats try to get in and get ham strung by senior, but he would allow the other cats to eat from his bowl without a quetion. We got another cat, who was beaeutiful, but lazy, we called hinm oscar and the two would play6 like brothers, show I would take to saying "Chilren, Stop that!"Yes, Senoir might have been my chlid, but I really felt him more as a companoin. He would kneed me when I felt bad, always closed clawed and always on a spot that would hurt or be ailing.
Yes, I have a lot of stories, because for cats,at least, there feels to be a long legacy from one to the next that I have had in my life and I do not understand the contection, but it feels very spiritual, like he was my gardian, and maybe it is the '9 lives' thing. I do not pretend to understand.
One of the things he would not do is allow himself to be taken care of medically by me. Now I could take him to the vet fine, but he would kick and scream when I would give him medicine.
I let him be as natural as I could, meaning he was an indoor outdoor cat, in durinng cold days, out at night. Everyone was worried about him being out, especially at night, but I knew he could take car of himself. Why? I will relate a few stories.
When my vet lamented that he was an outdoor cat, so he wouldn't life past 10, 12 at the most and he talked of cyoties, I had to tell the vet about his freind. As I have said my cat loved dogs and in or nieghborhood, one had a large seamingly visious Rotwielder. I say my cat jump out of the fence one day and figured the dog wasn't in an peaked in back only to be greeted with barking and snarling. I wondered about this. A few day later, I see my cat catch a squirrel and drag it over to that fence, jump the fence and toss the squirrel down. He was sharing his kill with the Rotwielder and the dog would always allow him access to the back yard. I thinkk the cyoties might have other things to worry about than my cat.
I spoke of how the pigeons where 'his to protect, he owned them. One night, I hear something at the coop and say an adolecent racoon. I go inside to get something to chase this thing, just as I get to the door, the darn cat jumped the coon and dropped him to the ground, the coons neck was broken. Of course, I was scared to death because in a fair fight, I am sure the coon would have ended Senoir, but the coon was trying to tear the screen off to get in and was off balance.
Senoirs great love was cleaning the neighborhood of vermin, he and the other one would go to homes where there was a rodent population and in the morning I would find all the rat bodies (not the mice), The largest gift was five bodies.
One neighbor refused to fix a broken window to his basement because in his words "I had a mouse problem before your cat would get in there.
When Senior was 16, our neighbor had a young pit bull (2 years), well the dog became enamoured with our dog and one day got out. Our front gate was open and the dog charged up to the front steps to see if Jake 'our dog' was in, except that there was Senior sunning him self in the way. The first time the dog was greeted with a spit. The dog backed down. The second time he seemed to gather his courage and rush the porch only to be greeted with a spitting and a raised back.
Now I am looking at thins in amazement because the dog was 4 times the size of the cat. The dog gathered him self up one more time and charged, the cat simply swated him on the nose and the dog ran home. Amazing to me.
The funniest thing was how he would catch and eat squirrel, the squirrel would come down the post the heckle the cat and the cat would jump over them and scare them to the ground and then they were dispatch quickly. (This I saw)
I had some clue of the number of squirrel because al that would be left was the tail, everything else was eated or given as a gift.
SO my long friend of 18 and 1/4 years left me while I was in the hospital, August 16th, 2008.
I was fully expecting it, because he was ailing and I was tod he went into the basement and I new he had returned to his birthplace. I still cried, but I only have fond memories. Here are some pictures.
I had to add one more picture, even though it is not a good one, it shows his normal greeting of the dogs we owned, rubbing against them.
This is an ode for a dear friend, who past the second week I was in the hospital....
I remember him best because he became very closely attached to me and would really follow me every where I was, greeting when I came home late at all times, and never upset except when I left town for some days. He would greet me and then go and show me how much I wasn't missed. but I was. When he was young, he would bring me presents that I was not completely happy with, but that was beside the point, he was my companion and he died at the ripe old age of 18 1/4 or translated into cat years 95. Yes this cat came to me by a coworker who found out that I had lost a white cat some 6 months before. He was a child of a stray with one other sister and no other siblings. He came to the house, terrified and ran down to the basement and it took me some time to coax him out, but after I did he became my friend for life. He also immediately adopted out old cocker spaniel and would litteraly go with the dog when we walked him. When he became sick, the cat would catch a squirrel and give it to the dog. The cat live through 3 other dogs and always liked them.
He was given to me with the undignified name of with boy, I detested it. After observing him in action, he had something regal about him and I named him Senoir, not as a senor, but as the spanish SENIOR! The man and he was. his first "job" was to learn what his territory was and what it was he had to protect and what was fair game. The squirrels that ate my home grown tomatoes were the first thing he learn about and began taking them out and having them for dinner and I got tomatoes. The next was that Davis raised birds, chichen, pigeons and others, they were his, but not for eating, but to protect. When david would let his pigeons out for a short fly, Senoir would go inti the coop and play CLOSED CLAWS WITH THE PIGEONS. tHE PIGEONS NOT ONLY ALLOWED THIS, BUT ENCOUAGED IT. We woud see other neighborhood cats try to get in and get ham strung by senior, but he would allow the other cats to eat from his bowl without a quetion. We got another cat, who was beaeutiful, but lazy, we called hinm oscar and the two would play6 like brothers, show I would take to saying "Chilren, Stop that!"Yes, Senoir might have been my chlid, but I really felt him more as a companoin. He would kneed me when I felt bad, always closed clawed and always on a spot that would hurt or be ailing.
Yes, I have a lot of stories, because for cats,at least, there feels to be a long legacy from one to the next that I have had in my life and I do not understand the contection, but it feels very spiritual, like he was my gardian, and maybe it is the '9 lives' thing. I do not pretend to understand.
One of the things he would not do is allow himself to be taken care of medically by me. Now I could take him to the vet fine, but he would kick and scream when I would give him medicine.
I let him be as natural as I could, meaning he was an indoor outdoor cat, in durinng cold days, out at night. Everyone was worried about him being out, especially at night, but I knew he could take car of himself. Why? I will relate a few stories.
When my vet lamented that he was an outdoor cat, so he wouldn't life past 10, 12 at the most and he talked of cyoties, I had to tell the vet about his freind. As I have said my cat loved dogs and in or nieghborhood, one had a large seamingly visious Rotwielder. I say my cat jump out of the fence one day and figured the dog wasn't in an peaked in back only to be greeted with barking and snarling. I wondered about this. A few day later, I see my cat catch a squirrel and drag it over to that fence, jump the fence and toss the squirrel down. He was sharing his kill with the Rotwielder and the dog would always allow him access to the back yard. I thinkk the cyoties might have other things to worry about than my cat.
I spoke of how the pigeons where 'his to protect, he owned them. One night, I hear something at the coop and say an adolecent racoon. I go inside to get something to chase this thing, just as I get to the door, the darn cat jumped the coon and dropped him to the ground, the coons neck was broken. Of course, I was scared to death because in a fair fight, I am sure the coon would have ended Senoir, but the coon was trying to tear the screen off to get in and was off balance.
Senoirs great love was cleaning the neighborhood of vermin, he and the other one would go to homes where there was a rodent population and in the morning I would find all the rat bodies (not the mice), The largest gift was five bodies.
One neighbor refused to fix a broken window to his basement because in his words "I had a mouse problem before your cat would get in there.
When Senior was 16, our neighbor had a young pit bull (2 years), well the dog became enamoured with our dog and one day got out. Our front gate was open and the dog charged up to the front steps to see if Jake 'our dog' was in, except that there was Senior sunning him self in the way. The first time the dog was greeted with a spit. The dog backed down. The second time he seemed to gather his courage and rush the porch only to be greeted with a spitting and a raised back.
Now I am looking at thins in amazement because the dog was 4 times the size of the cat. The dog gathered him self up one more time and charged, the cat simply swated him on the nose and the dog ran home. Amazing to me.
The funniest thing was how he would catch and eat squirrel, the squirrel would come down the post the heckle the cat and the cat would jump over them and scare them to the ground and then they were dispatch quickly. (This I saw)
I had some clue of the number of squirrel because al that would be left was the tail, everything else was eated or given as a gift.
SO my long friend of 18 and 1/4 years left me while I was in the hospital, August 16th, 2008.
I was fully expecting it, because he was ailing and I was tod he went into the basement and I new he had returned to his birthplace. I still cried, but I only have fond memories. Here are some pictures.
I had to add one more picture, even though it is not a good one, it shows his normal greeting of the dogs we owned, rubbing against them.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Energy
Or Rather the like there in. I don't have it. I walk down a stairs and around back and I get back up stairs, I am exhausted. I trim some grass and pick 2 of 7 tomatos, I must sit down. At this point I feel clumbsy on my feet, but I must puch myself, cause that is the only way to get better. I actually am doing the excersizes the therapist gave me to do, but I still am tired. I could not keep going without the people in my household, but sometimes they are too helpful, I need to do things on my own.
I had a wonderful treat last night, one of the people from work, who is a massage therapist in her own country came over and help my mom. Her kindness was eveident, she brought her to youngest, extremely well behaved children, who happen to love our dog. We invited her dinner and it wasn't my best, it was okay. Then we gave her a ride home, she had walk from her place. Her kindness will not be forgotten. And the eneergy of her visit lasted. Do I have another angel looking after me???
I felt that it was a repayment of my many kindnesses, cause there have been many people I have tried to help in any way I could.
Again I am thankful for all these kind people in my life.
I had a wonderful treat last night, one of the people from work, who is a massage therapist in her own country came over and help my mom. Her kindness was eveident, she brought her to youngest, extremely well behaved children, who happen to love our dog. We invited her dinner and it wasn't my best, it was okay. Then we gave her a ride home, she had walk from her place. Her kindness will not be forgotten. And the eneergy of her visit lasted. Do I have another angel looking after me???
I felt that it was a repayment of my many kindnesses, cause there have been many people I have tried to help in any way I could.
Again I am thankful for all these kind people in my life.
Friday, September 5, 2008
A step back but not backwards
Sometimrs it takes some one else to be in your life to let you see things as they should be.
In my life, I have a number of those p,eople, the people in my community and household, my mom, my girl friend, but there is one, who I sometimes feel my not be human, cause she seems more like a guardian angel than anything.
I met Margarita when she became the first clerical person in the lab, she was (and still is) happily married and had one child ( she now has 3). She was born 10 years after me, exactly, her mother was born 10 years after my mother, she came to Stamford from another country like I did ( well Texas is another country, really) The same year that I did. We visited the smae places, but never met before (and it is a good thing, cause I like her husband). To me, it seems like we are in parallel lives never quite intersecting. She advances to better positions and moved out of the lab, but we still take our morning break and will call each other in times of trouble. O f course, this caused the imature ( a lot of them) at the Government center to speculate, but it was emotional and spiritual, never anything else. She actually understood the manner that I live, because with her and her husbands family, they also form a spiritual community bound in this case by marrage. So there is alot of understanding.
Last night she stop by for just a moment, and gave her best wishes and prsyers and then said, you are going to be better. it was so authoritive, I think I cried for 30 minutes, cause it made me very happy.
The reality, as bad as my eyesight is, it is not the eyes that are damaged, it is the part of the brain that interprets thingss that has presure on it andis slowly recovering. No I can't always tell, it is slow and sometimes I have to be reminded to have hope, no it is more than just hope and I really don'y know what to call it, because it is a certainty that things will get better.
So, I stepped back to look and things do look better.
A special thanks to my gardian angel for that.
In my life, I have a number of those p,eople, the people in my community and household, my mom, my girl friend, but there is one, who I sometimes feel my not be human, cause she seems more like a guardian angel than anything.
I met Margarita when she became the first clerical person in the lab, she was (and still is) happily married and had one child ( she now has 3). She was born 10 years after me, exactly, her mother was born 10 years after my mother, she came to Stamford from another country like I did ( well Texas is another country, really) The same year that I did. We visited the smae places, but never met before (and it is a good thing, cause I like her husband). To me, it seems like we are in parallel lives never quite intersecting. She advances to better positions and moved out of the lab, but we still take our morning break and will call each other in times of trouble. O f course, this caused the imature ( a lot of them) at the Government center to speculate, but it was emotional and spiritual, never anything else. She actually understood the manner that I live, because with her and her husbands family, they also form a spiritual community bound in this case by marrage. So there is alot of understanding.
Last night she stop by for just a moment, and gave her best wishes and prsyers and then said, you are going to be better. it was so authoritive, I think I cried for 30 minutes, cause it made me very happy.
The reality, as bad as my eyesight is, it is not the eyes that are damaged, it is the part of the brain that interprets thingss that has presure on it andis slowly recovering. No I can't always tell, it is slow and sometimes I have to be reminded to have hope, no it is more than just hope and I really don'y know what to call it, because it is a certainty that things will get better.
So, I stepped back to look and things do look better.
A special thanks to my gardian angel for that.
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