Reflections and thankfulness

After everything, I stepped back again to see exactly what has been happening. It is sometimes neccissary many times because, my metal health is not always good.

1) If I hadn't had the surgery, I would have been dead or seriously disabled very shortly.
It is gone
2) the surgery has had two very interesting results, my blood pressure is now normal and I lost
20 pounds. (my doctor thinks it was the tumor, not the weight loss that changed the blood
presure and I will acept his idea for now)
3) The hospital stay has monitered my blood sugar like never before and basically, I found any
oriblems very simply controled -1 pill a day
4) My disabling headaches are gone - they were so severe that for 20 seconds, I couldn't open
my eyes and they might have killed me before the tumor.
5) The surgery did not affect my cognitive ability, nor my sence of humor.
6) The whole incident has given me a better emotional and spiritual perspective on things annd
let me not try to control so much.
7) also let me be more thankful for what I have ( I guess that is both spiritual and emotional)


The downside has been my eyes and everyone keeps tells me that will change soon...
But besides driving a car and working, a patch seems to let me read some cause I am getting along very well, walking and doing things without aid.

All in all, it has been positive, but I am waiting fir still more, so the story is not finished

Thankful again

After a rough couple of days, I have gotten to the placeof being thankful, again.
It took my closest people in my life to help me out of my hole, but I am out.
Everyone who has seen me ober time if it is two weeks - wow you are looking so much better; a week, wow, you are looking so much better, 2 days, do you realize how much better you look?
This completely consistant across the board and, who see things moment by moment am not always adle to see there changes, except when I look back.
The most dramatic has been eating and the level that I can eat from even 2 days ago and now csn get into other parts of themenu that I couldn't even attempt before.
The other is my cough, and breathing which is definately improved.
The answers I don't have have to do with my hemaglobin, which is low and have never experienced that before and that does take energy. And of course my eye sight which appears stationary except that the positioning of the eyes is improving regularly and that might explain the whole thing since then my brain has to adjust to those changes.
Any way the important thing is the attitude and that will help in the recovery.

For all those who have responded, thank you. It means a great deal that you even read this long disertation...maybe soo, I'll write some more boring environmental stuff or give the health department a kick in the pants.

A step back but not backwards

Sometimrs it takes some one else to be in your life to let you see things as they should be.
In my life, I have a number of those p,eople, the people in my community and household, my mom, my girl friend, but there is one, who I sometimes feel my not be human, cause she seems more like a guardian angel than anything.
I met Margarita when she became the first clerical person in the lab, she was (and still is) happily married and had one child ( she now has 3). She was born 10 years after me, exactly, her mother was born 10 years after my mother, she came to Stamford from another country like I did ( well Texas is another country, really) The same year that I did. We visited the smae places, but never met before (and it is a good thing, cause I like her husband). To me, it seems like we are in parallel lives never quite intersecting. She advances to better positions and moved out of the lab, but we still take our morning break and will call each other in times of trouble. O f course, this caused the imature ( a lot of them) at the Government center to speculate, but it was emotional and spiritual, never anything else. She actually understood the manner that I live, because with her and her husbands family, they also form a spiritual community bound in this case by marrage. So there is alot of understanding.
Last night she stop by for just a moment, and gave her best wishes and prsyers and then said, you are going to be better. it was so authoritive, I think I cried for 30 minutes, cause it made me very happy.

The reality, as bad as my eyesight is, it is not the eyes that are damaged, it is the part of the brain that interprets thingss that has presure on it andis slowly recovering. No I can't always tell, it is slow and sometimes I have to be reminded to have hope, no it is more than just hope and I really don'y know what to call it, because it is a certainty that things will get better.

So, I stepped back to look and things do look better.

A special thanks to my gardian angel for that.

frustration anxious

Yea I started the day realizing I am frighten concerning the status of my eyesight. Things seem to change, but hten they don't and it has me worried. Without my eye sight I can not work, I ca not drive and I can not read and the last bothers me the most. Just talking about it and realizing it has helped. To go around with one eye patched is my current only answer to seeing double. That is not an answer to drive or to work. Do I really know what will happen? No, I do not and the chances that this will fix itself really exists, but the time it has taken, has also taken its toll on me and I am not so upbeat. This is where I am today.
I have been working at calming my self, which is no easy feat. I have been more jumpy yesterday and this morning, but have managed to use the many trick available to me from tea kwon do, meditating, some Budist sitting, prayer to at least calm that. Everything is naturally work, I do not believe in a 'magic' God, but I do believe in miracals, just we don't recognize a lot of them.
Any way more tomorrow or later.

My swalowing has been doing better and today they put me to a test to prove it so I can eat still more and less processed foods ( it was mashed or pureed or finely chopped) This had been tough, but it was not a serious issue, but a slightly discouraging thing - remember this happen because of complications during surgery, So what does it mean - gives me a boost emotionally. The othesr thing they have been pushing for 2 days has been expanding my lung use - also something that happened during the surgery - my lungs filled with water and they had to intubate me (?) And now they are pushing the nevelope on this. All good.

No more about my times in Stamford, I prety much have brought you the long journey through these blogs and exactly what I think of these people who now 'rule' Stamford. It does not mean ther are no good people, ther are lots of them' but they do not call the shots any more. When Stamford was the sleepy town that I first came to, things were beging to change-that was 1977, but most of these pople , the blue collar people and their children, were nice and you could get to know them. The journey that Stamfoird has taken to be a city has been a rough one and the first thing to go was niceness and that was replaced by an extreme selfishness. When it does become a city, every thing will be evened out because you will have room for everyone and ther will be selfish people and nice people and oblivious people, but it will be all mixed up and not one will dominate. That is my tiraid about Stamford.

Reflections

I have been very intense in the struggle of survival the last several weeks, working at physical recovery while I blog about who I am, spiritually, emotional, how my past lead me to little old Stamford and my struggles here.

The eye sight is still a mess tho improved. the ability to swallow food is really much improved and the pneumonia seems to be vanishing, balance and walking are improved, but I still need a walker to keep me on my feet.
When I first came here I was almost in a dreamland and at that time I was only working on me. and I am back to looking inside. See I can be very controlling and in some ways that is good - while here I have let thated part good, things happen at home and I am unfazed, I actually do not want to control anything. There was a short temptation to take things back, but I will not. People will fit or not into my life and it is better if I am surprised b that. I will not be forcing things.
The other part of me is very very impulsive, this will take more work and as I work with physical therapy, I can see how much I want how quickly and it just doesn't work that way. I have to slow down or I will fall on my face. Yes I can stand without support. but I need something near by to grab when I lose my energy. I want to run uo the stairs, but I have to walk slowly.

Back to Stamford, my involvement with the mentally disabled has always been positive even when things did not go that well, I could always learn and respect that they were trying to the best of their ability. These are people do not understand because they are different and don't always look so 'normal' and I relate to that. I also can relate to the working poor who are so plentiful in Stamford, that most of us don't even see as people passing us by. Theyexist and are mostly mistreated by all of us and some times even the rukes design to protect them.
Stamford is a very selfish city and one day when it grows up, there will room and acknowledgment for all these people.
Meanwhile at night I would continue to work with Scott, One of his companies was providing first class music for hotels and restaurant around the nation. He works closely with a restaurant group out of Greenwich called CB5.
He provides the DJ music to most of the clubs in the area including the GRAND, Twenty, the Dragonfly, Barcelona, Baang and many more out of the area. It is fun going to his special events and helping lug his stuff and dancing to his music.
I also am one of his IT people and things can be fun as well.

so maybe I know a little about Stamford, its nightlife and some of the drama that goes on in the restaurants. I do have some fun.

An d soon slowly, I will get back to it.

more tomorrow.

Improvement

Today has been a good day. Tho my eye sight seemed to take a slight step backwards from my view, apparently this is only an adjustment to the physical adjustments that are bringing my eyes alighnment to normal.
they took me off the IV antibiotic, and gave me permission to use my .walker unassisted in my room. Both of these item are huge. I walk an entire hallway using a cane. This was also huge. My eating has been better, but still has problems, there are improvements that I can see over time, but not day by day.

Afte St. Lukes the ones of us who stayed together still did things for the mentelly disabled population through Frank at family centers.
I also got a chance to hang even more with Franks' son because he was into music. He had a band called Rubin Kinkad and played sometimes in the hallway of the shoppes of olde main street under the mall particularly for park row grill.
Lots of fun. Scott also beceme a DJ and start working at willow street in Post Chester and Mirible in Stamford (long torn down, but on park place and used to be a comedy club) and the Art Bar also on Park Place ( now the spanish club). Stamford was not a happening place, but it was improving and was somewhat 80's in the downtown, but very limited.
I enjoyed haging out with him., helping lug his equipment and dancing to the music.
The one thing about Stamford and its restaurant and night life - it all ways changes and I WOULD SAY IT IS BECAUSE EVERY ONE WANTS TO BE ENTERTAINED and are very fickle.
What works today will not work tommorrow and that is really what Stamford is.
Somewhere in this time I lost my best friend, who was Frank's Father and 84 at the time. He died exactly yhe way he wanted to.. we were on vacation in Virginia, we had a seafood dinner together and the next morning I had to take him to the hospital cause he wasn't breathing right
He didn't want to go, but I took him anyway, and just 2 days later, he died.
He had wanted to be away fom his family, doing something fun with his best friend and he wanted it to be quick. He got all his wishes.
I only hope to be that clear and that fortnate when it is my time.

I do know I did not use any vacation time for many months.
Scott continue his sucesses and had several billboard top dance tunes with his remixes, then he went in to Raves.
He was firm his parties would be 'striaght edge' mean drug use was not tolerated.
The first party we through was in Norwalk at the Globe theater and we confiscanted 3 boxes of drugs because no one believed we would really be straight edge. I was working with forensics at the time and had them destroyed though our own police. Everyone was also surprised, they had fun even without the drugs and the party was monetrially succesful for us.
We ran a monthly party for some time before expanding. As a DJ, scott was in demand from Florida to England, but he stuck to places he could drive to. He ran parties from upstate .NY to Massachussetts to NJ.
He ran a massive party in Mass. wher we spent $120,000 on the event and lost $40,000 mostly because our compitision did not care to be staight edge or abour saftey ran 8 parties around us.
We were not going to compromise our standards and we could boast that in evrything we did no one ever was hurt at the event.
We ended our shows. Scott continued to DJ but was pursuing other thing which were more sophisticated.
I enjoyed all my time with him all while doing my thing at the Health Depatment and having at least one mentally disable person living with me. And I also started to go back to a church any church, especially a stuggling eposcopal chuch in North Stamford with a gay priest.

I am ready to go now

Yesterday I had the most energy since being here - I am ready to go.
I can't see right yet, but it is better everyday.
I still am not swallowing properly, but also is normalizing, but I don't know if I could control what I ate yet, so maybe a few more days.
I still get a fever, but I am not finished with the IV antibiotics, Okay so we let them finish.
he worst/best thing is last night and today I have been coughing up stuff. It hurts, but it really is a positive.
I still can't walk without a walker, but I coud do that on my own without help, just need the walker at first.
I had so little energy before that none of these thoughts were possible, falling asleep midsentence.

one thing to remember about St. Lukes is that there was only a core of 12 people running the programs, the priest from the 3 churches were not involve that way and the people of the neighborhood were involved in the places of their interest(no fault there, just reality) And the volunteers coming in from other chuches came at their convience (If there was a heavy snow on a thursday, that dinner woulf not arrive), And other volenteers came at a whim and when they realized that it was really work, many left.
We were there 7 years and the episcopal church decided it needed clergy to take over and we were asked to leave and we did.
They changed the name to St Lukes Community services, got lots of paid staff, left at 5, shut the neighborhood programs down and not only did not talk about us laying any kind of foundation, they denied we were ever there.
We all were hurt and bitter at first, but we let it go and that took time, we each greived in our own way, we did not work down their for us.
My self I usually stuff anger down and blow up at the wrong people at some time, I think I mostly just stuffed it down and nevef wanted to see the inside of a church again.
Most of the core people in the community stayed as a community, tho some went ther own way which was good for all of us.
Frank went to Family Centers to work with housing for mentally disable people. I continued working with the state mental heath association one might a week and of course the health department.
My parents came to visit. And I got to show them CT, then they moved to colorado after my dad retired.

all in all today feels like a good day.

So I guess the reallity is, I am anxious, I have been here too long and remember much to little of it. Sometimes it seems like a dream, somethings it just is not there. I wnat to go home to my garden and family and pets. i gave it all up for this time, now it is coming soon to have it back. But tonight I am getting really tired again and sleep will come quickly, before 9.

Good night all

More new days

Do I get anxious or board while here?

Yes I get anxious, they are doing tests, but don't have answers to where the fever came from...they have one bug, but it is not a clear answer. And the fever seems to lead to some messed up day time dreams and loss of energy and need to sleep. It maintains some level of confuson as to how long I will be here.

Where does that faith that I keep talking about cone in?

Noone ever promised it would ever be easy, any time any where - not Jesus, not Buda not any of the great Eastern thinkers nor any of the great american indian religions, none of them.

I actually think that if some one thought or said it would be easy, I would run, not walk away. I will also quickly say that I know I am like everyone else, I want the easyway out. And in this stay I gave that up at the begining.

Board? never, my life has never been board and even with my 'life' stopped dead in its tracks, I am not board. I can think of others, I can pray, I can try to peek at what God is doing and be mystified in a wonferful way cause I am not afraid.



When, I left off, I was an offical member of St John's Episcopal chuch and of course The community of St Lukes. EVERYTHING EXPRESSED IS STRICKLY MY OWN RECOLECTION OF A JOURNEY, NOT DISSIMILAR TO THE JOURNEY i AM ON NOW OR THE JOURNEY FROM HOUsTON THE STAMFORD.



More people came to help out in the ministries at St. Lukes and I do not remember the sequence of how they happened. A food co-op was formed for the neigborhood and we would go down to Hunts point once a week and buy things by the case and resell it at a 10% mark-up. People came and this got big. A small fee to join and people would come in and help setup and help sell and help clean up! It was exciting because it was something that was for people that was not an 'emergency' situation. There was also a free food pantry for those who really did not have that was also used alot. I loved working with the food coop, even getting up at 3 in the morning to go down to Hunts' point, where all these gruff dock workers wood guide us into the thins we should and should not buy and it wasn't always the cheapest, but they had a sespect for 'the church' and us and we had trust that they would guide us right. Mostly we brought back fruits and vegtables and learned about new fruits, the mango for instance, I had not seen before. we bought things that the people requested and then we expandend to cheeses. It was an incredible experience from start to finish, which was about 6 at Vakencias backery with a turniver and coffee. We unloaded and I went of to work and if I was a little late I would bring some fruit for everyone and work through lunch. I would get back in time to finish off the selling and clean up. t was wonderful.

A clothing exchange was set=up where again donations came in and we and helpers from the neighborhood would sort the good from the washable from the garbage. And agains we would sell bags of clothing the sameday we had the co-op.

Why sell? Weren't these people in need? Yes they were very much in need, but you want to preserve their dignity and if they pay even 10 cents for something, ther is a feeling of it being yours, not someones hand-me down. And if you volunteer at the place you bought it, It brings a whole new meaning to the word "Ownership".

The people in the neighborhood realized we were part of the neighborhood and we got respect for that.

Some people joined the services, and that was nice, but that was really not why we were ther (do not tell the episcopal church), The services were for ourselves.

The once despised summer camp became a highly respected one. Some other chuch members came in, some understanding... some not. Volunteers from other parts of the world (Japan and germany, I remember) came. One of the neigborhood children adopted us and particularly Frank. Things were good and then we started working with the stse mental health section to see if we couldn't work with that group of disabled people. We rented a house and started with 3 men, who were delightful, ut truely troubled.

Somewhere the donation end and food co-op end becane so big, that we rented a truck and then bought a van. We started to get furniture and that when through the clothing exchane. I remember working with the workfare people, who many were having alhocol problems, but they would come give completely, working hard. Going away with some food and the proper number of hours completed for a week. That was good.

Chuches would come in on Thursday nights to provide meals to the residents ofthe shelter and the volunteers(us too, remember this was done without a paycheck).

In all of this I won't claim any more than the grunt work portion, it really was Frank's vision and energy and dynamics that brough it all together and he and the executive secratary were the only peroson recieving a small salary. Me I got to learn what a ripe mango was, from one of the neighbor at the food co-op.

Things were not easy and there were many struggles, but we got through them.

There were some blackdays, one where I was involved with someone I shouldn'y have been, where I got to see how rathful the fundamentalist mind could be, Frank and Marie and Walter stood behind me and fought for me in that one.

Then Penny contracted(?) leukemia and died after only a very little bit. Then we saw how little the church in general really cared about us, cause they would not provide other volunteers so thst we could morn or take a day off for reflection or rememberance.



By this time I had been at the Health Department for several years, the environmental company had changed my results from some of my testing in a report to the parent company. I complained and was told the change was insignificant. I left and several years later the parent company folded over that misinformation - not too significant.

I had managed to reconsile with my parents and had even made a surprise visit to them in Houston, I had also deeply bonded with Frank's Father who was in his late 70's. We would go out to different diners amd places in the area ust to go out and have a bit of fun. Stamford was not on our list of having fun, Sleepy Hollow was, Mistic was, Rhode Island was. Sometimes the ice cream place by west beach was, mameroneck many times was. Sorry Stamford, you don't make the grade even for old people.

Public health was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I was brought in because of the applicants, I was the only one with experience in environment testing. My ranking in the testing was 4. So i got to learn the ropes, then I started changing things and learning things and I would make a couple of mistakes, mostly because in the winter and early spring we were not busy and it left me with too much time on my hands.

They sent me to an entomolegy class and a pool chemistry class and a class on running the blood machines, then they gave me a computer.

Slowly we turned up the volume on the environmental testing, I starting getting samples from local environmental groups, talked with the Noth Stamford association and got poeple interested in testing their wells. I started expanding the kinds of testing we were able to do and let my curiosity go wild. My boss encouraged all of this and now there is no down time (here this city residence) for me, just busier times. And no there is no way the person that is left and my boss can add to what they do either, so what I used to do is no longer occuring.

So todays dark news is that they still don't know the infection source, that the vanco didn't immediately fix it is also ther concern. They also found a small spot in the lungs, which makes them wonder if I am aspirating "things" anyway. They still have some tests pending and another one to do...and may be more because my hemoglobin has dropped significantly.
some of these might explain the crazy loss of energy I have been experiencing suddenly with no warning. I am not worried about the vanco - I don't care what antibiotic it is, things take time, we aren't spraying chlorox on the bacteria. The lung thing is a bit worring because I do not want to go through he forced cough therapy to clear it...it would hurt to much. The hemoglobin thing has me the most worried, cause I have never experienced low hemoglobin and tho it explains a lot, it is something new and I really do not waant to deal with any more 'new' things of this naature.

So read in peace all. Hope the randomization from the hospital bed give some insight in the person JoeyK

Each new day

Has been better, but if i would look at yesterday vs today, it wiuld be worse. Why?
I am more discombobulate and confused, a few more tremors and no more clear vision. Am I worried? Not at all, becaue it is better than the day before, I seemed to have lost the fever with medicine change and hae foud the current management of the headache effective.
If I looked a week ago, I would not recognize me because there is such a great change.
Reality tho, I am still completely disabled at this time.
When I came to Stamford, in 1977, I came for a spiritual quest which I did not understand. Frank and Marie came for one they did inderstand and form them the area was mostly barren. Not saying people are not spiritual, just the way of being, your spirituality, was not first.
Finding people to understand what was wanted at St. Luke's was even harder. We did not want t be to whities who came in and did what thet thought would help and then go home to the safety of our middle class homes at night.
Walter and his wife, the german, Bob, Penny, Jill and myself moved into the building as it was still being changed...The neighbothood noticed. Two sisters who lived a couple of streets away came down and started helping, An organist from down the streets helped with services.
Several people in the beat up homes across the street, who did not and some who did came over. Some people from some of the oversight clergy's home churches came, Episcopal, in Greenwich, Old Greenwich and Darien and they spent much of their free time with us. With Frank ,Marie and their son, this was the initial communitty of St Lukes.
An Emergency Shelter for agencies to refer people to, a clothing exchange (think person to person) for the neigborhood, The large emergency shelter for the red cross to use was functional, but not a full reality yet.
The chapel had services again and the summer camp had some respect..but there was a lot more to come.
If I told you we came to perfect harmony each time, or even most of the time, it would be a lie. That most of us had to continually struggle with out ideas being the best or our way being the best was the truth. That we tried to substitute our ideas with what we believed together as real and would be the best for the people in the neighborhood was a struggle.
I may add more to this but I now need to rest.

Beginings further on

Today was a good day, I do not wear the eye patch at night and for a brief moment when I opened my eyes I could clearly see my feet. It went away, but that was encouraging.
The pain med that they have been giving me gives me up to 10 hours of relief, sometimes (and it aint advil). The Tylenol has been keeping the fever under control, but I still get really tired very quickly. Swallowing is the harder isssue to understand, I can drink some liquids very, very carefully, and swallowing solid foods is imposible, but I can eat a banana.

I do not remember the month St Luke's opened, but the core of the community of St Lukes was formed long before we tore down one piece of sheetrock on Woodasnd Place. We were commited to helping each other (not simply and there were always struggles) . So survival in Stamford was not an issue, but it did not make Stamord a nice to live.

About this time, I was hat my third job in Stamford, an independant environment lab that sent me around the country, where I realized it was not me, it WAS Stamford!
With Dairy Queen, the Terrace club, movie theaters, the sitting room ( a restaurant where Bull's head diner is now), the and the beachonly places to go out(I am sorry the topless places were here then, but not interesting to me) and there are all the summer church fairs, which are small, but nice and the beaches which are also small and nice, there is NYC, much nicer.

So we went to Wyoming with the job for 3 weeks and everything is isolated there anyway and I did my work and didn't notice any thing with my NE, Stamford, NY coworkers.
The we had 2 three month stints in Huntington, West Virgina, and thats when my eyes were opened!

There were poeple in this town and diners and restaurants and my shift started at midnight
We were downtown Huntington and I would get up and go out, eat, see things and talk to people. Go into work, do my job, go to sleep and start over. On my off day, since I was topsy turvey sleep wise, at midnight I would go to a truck stop to talk to the waitress ( couldn't do more, cause the company cars were at the plant), But I got to see Tom Jones in concert ( a true riot) . My coworkers always stayed in the motel-unless they went en mass out to eat.
I actually did not notice, but one of my coworkers saw how I was with the locals and asked me; "you're not afraid?"
"of what I replied, thry're nice people."
They were afraid! So for 6 months, I got to enjoy the hospitality of another town and its people all on my companies money. I know the first part of the job was in early spring and it was not nice weather wise and I stayed in a lot also, but the spring was beautiful!

So what did I learn? That if a stammi(new) is not running some one down either literally or in some power mad scheme, they are to afraid to reach out to say hello. They are afraid of differences, afraid to be friendly because it might cost them more than they can afford. They afraid of even acknowledging someone is saying hello. I think their own fear of not having is costing their ability to be a warm and friendly people.

That was insight on Stamford from Huntington, West Virgiana.

Beginings and new new beginings

Thankfulness
That has been a genral theme in the Hospital, even with the blur of days immediately after the surgery, when I knew really knew nothing I was thankful. I lived through the surgery, I was breathing and doing something akin to eating. My mom was here and was being taken are of the two people who I consider as brothers and my unknown relationship stepped up to the plate and had adopted my mom, so now she is family at the very least.
The people I am in community with, without them, I would not have survived or made most of the right choice when it came to the entire hospital thing and of cource their visits and prayers and calls and just plain support.
Things that I was thankful for that may surprise you - the hospital food - it was flavorful and tho not a kobe burger, what would I expect, kept me very happy. The nurses and staff have been very helpful and I am sure have kept me living many times.
So I am thankful, but there are very many struggles just staying alive, keeping my breath straight and swallowing under control. Sometimes now it is a atruggle to stay awake- I get so very tired.
I see all the petty struggles in the hospital, no different than the real world and I see the people rise above them, the people who cause them and people just caught inside of them.

Frank was always a very passionate person, full of energy and dynamics. The Chapel at St Luke's was the only building that was in okay shape and it was being rented in the evenings to a local Hatian chuch and the building attached had one clean office which housed the eposcople churches hatian ministry with one priest.
There was a karate class they used the "gym", but the floorboards were all warped. And small senior ministry, which I do not remember well next to the kitchen..
Most of the rest of the building was used as a crash pad for homelesss and a shooting gallery by drug users..In other words , a mess.
Frank was working at Greenwich hospital where we got to meet David and his father(a Lutheran pastor).

I have always had it in me to want to help others, if I could, but there are real limitations when you are alone and real dangers as well and truth be told, I would try to help people "my" way and that really isn't helping them, it is only giving something I think they want or that I am able to give them and that really is only me doing something to make me feel good whether it helps the other person or not.

An example is if some one asks for money on the street, it very often to collect enough for booze or cigareetes, so I would not have give it. I as with Franklin's father when someone approached asking for money to eat. He got his wallet and told me to go buy the guy a sandwich fron the nearby deli. The guy waited for me to learn. I learned some small thing that day, and my arrogance was kicked in the ass cause I would not have doneanything about it and would have missed a real opppurtunity to help someone.
I think that is true problem people growing up middle or upper middle class, we think it what we do that helps without ever really knowing the problem.

Comfort, I do like, sometimes to much.
The idea of St Luke's was great - a short term shelter which would have nine rooms, an emergency shelter which the red cross would use, the place had a summer camp(with a bad reputation) and we would try that.
Some form of outreach for the neighbor hood. That sounded okay.
Of course there were 10 of us ? and we all worked full time and most of us had a lot to learn about giving.

Next thing i remember is I was working with Scott (Frank's son) shoveling out derbies and junk with other people: the german (from Houston) Bob and Walter (from the first episcopal encounter in the area), Franklin, and Marie, Penny and Walter's wife Corey. This was hard work and dirty work and it was not easy and not fun and you knew eventually this would help people, but not yet. I do not remember any of the clergy helping.

I notice this headache stops me in mid motion and I drop letters ( which just got corrected in this last couple of paragraphs).

Beginings Stamford

It was a difficult night, things happen that concerned doctors and nurses and my mom' I had a kind of cold seizure before dinner when my mom was here, but I wasn't cold. It lasted 5 to 10 minutes and I could not control the tremors and shaking.
Doctors and nurses thought it was due to a peaking fever. I accept that it might actually be part of the healing process. The medicals attacked the issues with tylenol, ice packs, samples of blood sputum and x-rays and the fever did break. And they do not know the origin yet.
I WAS NOT FRIGHTENED OR WORRIED, i JUST KNEW THINGS WERE PROGRESSING.
It was not easy, but I was okay., And i think there was progress.

The trip from Houston. I barely remember, because it wastraumatic and flilled with problems. I think it took 2 days to drive with a couple of overnight stops, but I really can't remember.
We arrived inStamford at the little broken down farm house from the 1890's memorial day weekend.

There wass lots to do and time was a blur- getting the house ready, unpacking, finding jobs, finding grocery stores, learning how to get along in this coorporate farm town.
Althoug Frank's family lived in Greenwich and his sister lived in Stamford. The people were generally unfriendly by my standards and I was frightened. Marie ,who lived in the Bronx before this, felt isolated. She had a strong Roman faith, but the chuch that brought us here, failed in ther promise. But we did meet on couple from the church who were genuine and after a few months moved down into Stamford and we became a community again.
I had found a job in Stamford as an analytical chemist at a major coorporation, but the car my dad found for me in Houston, died before winter.
Marie had a job at the school of her son and that was set.
Frank found a job, but was spiritually not happy, but we were going to a beautiful Methodist chuch with a lot of good people, trying to make a small difference. To me it was a sanctuary.
And i was not ready to go back. to Houston even though I was struggling immensly and Frank and Marie were worried about me, I hung in there and if you say that was my very stubborn Greekside, you might be correct.
Frank introduced me to a girl who was originally from Stonington, CT, but lived in Bridgeport and worked with Frank.
A very sweet country middle class woman, Penny who was my first girlfriend up here, but was also interested the concept of community even though she came from a very traditional Baptist background.
The first snow in Stamford was the most I had seen in my life in a place I lived. It seemed always cold from then on. I lost my job (I will attribute it to my own emotional immaturity) in the spring.
Money wise we struggled, and we got by and my mom kept in touch with me by mail.
I started getting temp jobs doing accounting, because I was good in numbers and got one in Arnold bakers in Greenwich. They then told me that ther was a temp job in the lab to fill in for a pregnacy/child leave. I took it.
Frank and Maries familties were very supportive and that was different because they were close knit Itlalian families and they accepted us as part of their family.
The arnold job was fun and would last for one year.
Meanttime the charismatic tried to "take" over the Methodist chuch and we went to a small congregational church in North Stamford.
We had spiiritual peace for a while, mean time the Episcopal chuch was knocking again.

Beacuse we really accepted a "Benidictine" type spiritualliy, we worked to pray and prayed while working and the houses we lived in changed and were repaired.
The first house was mostly ready by the first winter, but it was cold and I quickly hated the cold.
But Stamfors it self had very few places to enjoy for recreation, though we would go to the libraries and beaches. But I would say Stamford was a vey dull and dreary place with no entertainment.

We were two households now, with two families plus in each one and we really struggled in Stamford, to just be and survive.
At Frank's suggestion and started adrressing my letters home to my dad and tried to repair the damage of an only son leaving home and the parents were ready for this change.

What the Episcopal church had in mind was a small chapel and buildings in the South end. If something wasn't going to happen they would tear it down and lots of people did not want that.

Meanwhile I can say te nurses in the Stamford Hospital are very attentive and helpng me through this very difficult recovery.

beginings leaving houston

Discomfort - an Idea I don't like but am familiar with.
In the Hospital, I now have a low grade fever and they have discounted UTI, and chest problems, but they ran tests anyways and then some more tests and now I am on an antibiotic.
This is NOT frightening, just uncomfortable, The the now apparent bouts of hacking and coughing and snorting that has been going on. I am not alarmed, but I really did not want this going on at the same time as the problems that I consider serious, but that is not my choice. I want to out to my home pick the clothes I want and come back quickly (Nope, not happening) I would love to go out and eat mexican, ( nope still not happening)
I am still in survival mode and good food, drinks and being out are a far distance. I eat and drink exactly what I am able and I have no Complaints. And I still Struggle not to drown myself.
I am imoroving, but my ability to see is limited, but I know ther is improvement.
I also seem to have been surrounded by the sim,ple peopls of God. Who God bless me as they empty the garbage or clean my room or take me to excersise or a test. For this I am very grateful and I realy do not feel alone, ever.
ne of my struggles in Houston was being alone, I did not want to be and I really wanted to be as well.
In the cource of getting closer to household in Housto, I found that I didn't have to choose. We were together completely, except when we were apart and even then ther were bonds to didnot separate.
Ny girlfriend left me because she wanted the lower middle class life and that life made no sence to me. We fought constantly over stupid simple things and when we did break up, my dad said it really was for the best and was glad.
I was never the most aware kid and I do not know the sequence of things, but at some point
Frank and his wife would move to Stamford, but had no idea how it would happen. There were manythings in the way, a house, a school for his son and jobs.
They approached me. This was very serous and needed to pray, seek guidance etc to see if God would want me ther. I didnot know, I still needed to finish school, This had not offered the last class I needed to graduate and that was first - a "fleece" was laid. because it still wasn't offered in the spring semester.
I was uncomforatable about the unknown and really took my time with things.
They had been going to a large chuch episcopal, in River Oaks. When you think rich uo here you think Greenwich, westport darian etc, in Houston it is River Oaks were the wealth of all those towns I mentioned from up here pall compared to River Oaks. But most people when you met them on the street you would not kn ow it. The church was very traditional low to middle episcopal chuch and had a large congregation with 3 preist.
They helped guide Frank and Marie in their decision making process and supported them in many other ways as well. When the fourth ward clinic closed, they go the congrgation to support paid staff ( doctord, nurses, med techs, etc, to reopen it and it is opened to this day.
I had been a bit tainted by my short stint with the "Fundies" and might have been a bit Jesus freaky. Frank was not, keeping my parents informed, finishing school, seing them regularly if I moved in with them was a priority. I would not be tra-la-ling down any path. His concern for any relationship was strong and would be my main encouragement when I did move. He also Asked if I could stay two years and I was okay with that.
Marie, his wife was just as serious. She really did not want to move.
Franks sister found a house and they got a mortgage using Frank's 70 plus year old Father as a cosigner.

The Whitby school found a place for Scott and a job for Marie.
Then, the class I needed became available...I signed up. Then in December they decided they would cancel it because there were to few Students, but when time came to Start the Spring Semester, they opened again. The First class had 6 people in it and they threatened to close it.
This was my way of seeing if things would or would not happen, so I did not try to force anything and let things happen.
Reality, I was scared out my mind and very uncomforatable, but My life was not in any trouble or danger.
We left after my last test and I officially graduated in May.

Beginings back to Houston

As I have time to reflect and think and pray I seem not have troube keeping ieas in the order

I hate the jumpyness in all computer products because I will be writing a tought and then there is a system or connection shake up and I AM WRITING IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, Caps go on and generaLLY i NEVER CARED HOW CLUMBSY MY HANDS BECAUSE i WOULD CATCH IT EASILT AND GO BACK. Now I do not know how the caps came on. and I am not retyping this.

My eyes focus on the keyboard and not thescreen and that really is enough.

So back to houston

The Epicapol Church I was interested in was dynamic and peaceful and full of dignity and that was good. The Chaarismatic porsion did not over welm the traditional portion and the traditional portion did not overwelm the charismatic portion. I went often, bur my girlfriend would not. it was too different from her traditional baptist backgrpund. And the best part was they never ever pushed anything.

I wanted to join went to a priest and he said I would need to join a household and move out of my parents house.

Who not ready for this, fear of the unknown, scaaared. Heck I wasn't ready to move out of my parents houseonmy own, I was way to comfortabe and I was 20.

So I kept visiting the church, going to school and visiting other places, including the Grek Church, which is very comfortable as a greek, but I did not know greek and it also was a forieghn land. (And the rality if you look a greeks they are fairly arogant especially with their church, but it is theirs and that is okay and I will go anytime)

Then on spring a friend from the "upper class" area of houston invited me over for a swim (think Greenwich) This is where I met Franklin.

He came from this area and had been a dynamic administrator of programs in The NYC Health Department, was Episcopal/headonist/searchingHe heard about the Chuch of the redeemer and what they were trying to do and flew to find out. A bit later he and his wife moved down.The Chuch had a small ministry that they were moving to another episcopal chuch which was trying community. The Ministry was the Four Ward Clinic, In the poorest area of Houston, where health care didnot exist. People came for problems, mini emergencies, vaccines etc and they paid what they could.

The clinic had a full Lab with volunteers and several doctors and nurses ad lab techs and everthing else. They were not paid.

When I saw Frank. he was different, he had passion and a purpose, he wanted to serve God by helping people. I never met someone with so much energy and he was relaxing by a pool!

We talked, he had someone in his household.. a German Athiest, who was volunteering attr the clinic. He asked at some point if I would be interested in volunteering one day at the clin nin if my school schedule would allow.

Oh yes!

He lived in the fourthward where the city gave them an old dynamic house to live in for a dollar a year. The only thing he had to do was keep it clean.

I started volenteering and realized that these people were not special, but had a passion and a focus and there were problem, but the people who came from outside never suffered, they were the priority, no matter what else was happening between personalities.

The job was acceptable to my dad, but he really did want me to make money, but I was at home and every so often I was invited over to Frank's household for an evening meal.

The household had Frank's wafe and son and between 2 and4 other males (including the German) The meals were simple but filling, noone lacked...that was intersting cause they had no income, but things given to one household, was always shared among everyone.

One evvening there was a discussion I over heard that one household had not had meat for weeks. The next day I went to the sroe and got the bigest roast I could.

So that was sacrifice, real sacrifice, not on my part, that was easy. Everything that happened. Their own comfort really took a back seat.

I started staying over one night a weekand would work renovating the place(no just keeping it clean, this was a super historic building that had been left to disappear) We replaced sheetrock and painted walls and did what ever to bring it to its formor glory.(the house was a two story masion wwith huge rooms.)

Things happen, people get in the way and the clinic closed 9 months after I was there'

Frank and his household stayed together, but moved to a place near the galleria. This was a normal house, single floor, a few bed rooms. He his wife his son the german, who had since converted and a foster boy. Frank got a Job, but I do not remeber where, but I think I was medica related. I Started staying over more.

I knew it woould be hard on my parents, I guess If I had gone away to college, it would have been easier, but I was not ready and so the gradual thing happened.

\It was not easy, my relation with my dad was always strained, because he though somewhere I was a whimp. And I was way to smothered from my mom, who always wanted to protect me.

In that summer before I moved in I got a job for the summer at theGettty Reseach Lab and it was fun and paid me and that helped my dad.

Fall I left the lab to continue my studies.
In the mean time thing were happing with Frank and his Household. People wanted him back up in this area to bring his community experience, they did not want to go.

beginings stuck in a mode

As i sit in the hospital with everything at an almost stanstill, I think a lot. y brain is not affected and is doing its usualy inventory, but since thereis niothing to interfer, it is better.
I think of fear and realize I am not afraid, not afraid if I can't work anymore, nit afraid if I will everybe able to see right again(but I really want to), not to afraid of not being ablke to eat things I like again(but that is more and disconfornt) and some what afraid of aspirating on my spit and drowning ( not a pleasant thought)
I am not worried about the people I have taken cae of even my mother , everyting I just relaxed with, gave up gave for God to control what ever you call it. I am actually very peacefulso I know there is no fear.
But before the surgery, I was Irratable, short, would push the people closest to me away. I was very unhappy.
Since I have no conscept in my mind of correct spirituallity, I do accept a lot. . . if it meets the criteria of kind, inclusive, caring and really god centerd...I then went to a physcic fair with a friend, who may have dragged me.
I told the first person that I was needing knowledge on a medical condition ans she never connected talked about blood sugar and eating less meat. I told her you did not connect
They sent me immediately to someone else and I rpresented the same info
She went through the short list of things I know are wrong with me and stop and said I am shaking,, there is so much fear and then she hit the entire diagnosis on the head, where it was what it was. Then she looked at me and the soul has severaal 'outs' in this life, this isnot yours and I believed her.
And was able to into the operation with less fear by far.
I really was afraid of dying.
As a young middleclass boy the nightmare is the odd fears that we face.
I grew up with many of them, I was afraid of not being good eniough or liked or 'suceeding' or meeting my parents expectations.
I was the good boy who was too afraid to be bad.
Yes I was afraid of the pressure keg that was my small family, the pressures at work and the abuse he would bring home and really take out on my mom, but we did survive, not fabulously, but I did not everneed anything to live and we had many good times as well.
So in akk that there was fear in me whihc something translated into rage or depression and that was the complicated boy that I was growing up.
And my internal fear was the most difficult for me to live with cause it meant I was not perfect and I wanted to be perfect.
Here I went into the operation without the fear