The waves crash against my shores,
like the worries that trouble my heart.
The mist rises and obscures the land
and the ground shakes,
making me fall and tremble.
No longer knowing where to go go,
I am fearful.
A light springs forth and
the mist melts away.
My path is clear once more.
My salvation did not come from some distant shore,
it was the must that was within me.
I fall asleep.
troubled no more by nightmarish dreams,
I awake, refreshed in the morning;
and
I
Know
Everything
will
be
alright.
Showing posts with label The Right side strikes again. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Right side strikes again. Show all posts
Monday, January 11, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
A new year?
It is a new year or
is it just another day?
Things do not magically change from one day to the next or
Do t h e y ?
My mind, which now clearly skips and jumps
between knowledge and analysis to
feeling and comprehension.
Between creativity and
cold hard facts.
Can there be magic? One side asks.
In everything we touch! The other portion says.
Thus the war ensues between the 2 parts of my being;
and
___ they
_______are
__________both
correct.
is it just another day?
Things do not magically change from one day to the next or
Do t h e y ?
My mind, which now clearly skips and jumps
between knowledge and analysis to
feeling and comprehension.
Between creativity and
cold hard facts.
Can there be magic? One side asks.
In everything we touch! The other portion says.
Thus the war ensues between the 2 parts of my being;
and
___ they
_______are
__________both
correct.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Waking up
Some how, I was asleep.
Not for very long,
but the colors of life had faded
and a deep slumber had taken place.
Was it the snow,
the first that fell and covered the land?
Was it playing with snowballs?
Or was it just preparation for the coming celebration?
I do know I woke up and
my mind was present again.
There were things to do,
colours to see,
life to live.
Even during the sleep,
people said I was doing good.
Was I?
Can one be good while asleep?
Not for very long,
but the colors of life had faded
and a deep slumber had taken place.
Was it the snow,
the first that fell and covered the land?
Was it playing with snowballs?
Or was it just preparation for the coming celebration?
I do know I woke up and
my mind was present again.
There were things to do,
colours to see,
life to live.
Even during the sleep,
people said I was doing good.
Was I?
Can one be good while asleep?
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Rushed
I have been flat lately,
my posts, shallow;
One dimensional,
about things and events.
Don't leave yet.
The muse is there,
watching, waiting.
Time has gotten the better of me or
rather the lack of it.
The music is in my soul, my spirit.
There is soaring to occur,
but not yet.
Patience, all those who speak in my dreams say.
Yet, I am anxious, nervous for the wait.
my posts, shallow;
One dimensional,
about things and events.
Don't leave yet.
The muse is there,
watching, waiting.
Time has gotten the better of me or
rather the lack of it.
The music is in my soul, my spirit.
There is soaring to occur,
but not yet.
Patience, all those who speak in my dreams say.
Yet, I am anxious, nervous for the wait.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The beginning of the end of summer
It is the beginning of September,
it always becomes cool and you know summer is over.
The flowers still bloom, the vegetables still come,
But there is a finality it all these things.
Soon, the colors will come,
screaming their, reds and yellows and oranges.
The green will be gone and stillness will come.
But there will be an Indian summer yet!
it always becomes cool and you know summer is over.
The flowers still bloom, the vegetables still come,
But there is a finality it all these things.
Soon, the colors will come,
screaming their, reds and yellows and oranges.
The green will be gone and stillness will come.
But there will be an Indian summer yet!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
It Comes
I sit watching people pass by.
Those who think they have lives ignore me,
those who do not look at me with desire.
Why, I have so little to offer,
they can not see, that i do not see.
They walk well and walk past
and I, I sit, waiting.
Patience is not an easy thing.
It is almost a year. since the operation,
That save my life, but took the life I knew
and changed it forever.
It is not easy sitting, but it is what I do best now.
I stand, I stumble.
I walk, I fall.
Those who look with envy, what do they see?
Those who do not look at all, what have they missed?
Those who think they have lives ignore me,
those who do not look at me with desire.
Why, I have so little to offer,
they can not see, that i do not see.
They walk well and walk past
and I, I sit, waiting.
Patience is not an easy thing.
It is almost a year. since the operation,
That save my life, but took the life I knew
and changed it forever.
It is not easy sitting, but it is what I do best now.
I stand, I stumble.
I walk, I fall.
Those who look with envy, what do they see?
Those who do not look at all, what have they missed?
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Softly on a Sunday morning
After all the flurry of fighting,
the monsters are still there.
No longer looming over me, threatening to devor,
They are at a distance.
Those who have fought this battle before me,
stand by my side, giving me rest.
The battle will resume another day,
but not today.
Today there is peace.
the monsters are still there.
No longer looming over me, threatening to devor,
They are at a distance.
Those who have fought this battle before me,
stand by my side, giving me rest.
The battle will resume another day,
but not today.
Today there is peace.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Style
Not what we wear!
Some days the words flow out of my heart,
Other days, it feels stilted and disconnected.
Free form is better when it comes form the heart.
Prose is a rambling mess,
full of sharp edges that have not been shaved.
Piercing no one, but my heart.
Some days the words flow out of my heart,
Other days, it feels stilted and disconnected.
Free form is better when it comes form the heart.
Prose is a rambling mess,
full of sharp edges that have not been shaved.
Piercing no one, but my heart.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
learning
This is inspired by a post by Sweet Mango!
Though the fire and confusion,
in the bed of disaster,
there is learning.
Sometimes we have no clue,
but it is there.
In the "belly of the whale" is our salvation.
In the darkest part of the night, the dawn is coming.
The end is not nigh, but only a new beginning.
Though the fire and confusion,
in the bed of disaster,
there is learning.
Sometimes we have no clue,
but it is there.
In the "belly of the whale" is our salvation.
In the darkest part of the night, the dawn is coming.
The end is not nigh, but only a new beginning.
Drifting
Drifting, not falling.
Flaoting neither up nor down.
The world has been a crazy place,
but i do not seem to be in it.
Trouble for my friends and companions.
It does not seem to touch...me.
This is all I have today.
Flaoting neither up nor down.
The world has been a crazy place,
but i do not seem to be in it.
Trouble for my friends and companions.
It does not seem to touch...me.
This is all I have today.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The prison
I awoke in a sweat.
barely able to breathe.
The walls, which were bars were closing in on me.
There was no escape, I was trapped.
Trapped with pain and misery and hurt,
with no where to go and no way to get there.
I thought that I had made this prison in recent memory, but i was wrong.
Its history stretched back to a time i could barely remember.
It trapped my hear ,suffocating it,
creating a great frenzy trying to escape from a cage, a prison of its own device.
Made to protect itself from hurt,
it became the source of hurt and pain.
I looked to where my arms had been and there were wings!
And I flew and soared far away.
And the cage, the prison, was left broken on the ground.
There is at least one person in my life who has been a source of continued encouragement in my life and especially during this adventure.
I have known this person for some 25 years and when I met her, I felt that I had always known her.
When we first met, this presented a great deal of confusion in me, because she was married and had one child and I liked her husband. She now has 3 children and the same very good man as a husband. We have stayed fast friends with no danger of anything else, despite my own confusion. It is who I am.
The people at the work place did not understand and would say mean things behind her back and I would laugh at their stupidity and shallowness to their face.
At times I would be angry with them, but our friendship remained strong.
Of course, i was still confused and asked for understanding on how 2 people could be so close and not a "couple". One day after she rescued me form severe despair with a visit in the hospital , a "solution" came to me and whether it be correct or not, it brought peace to my heart and put and end to my confusion; she was simply the other "half" of my soul. Not a soul mate, because we were closer in inexplicable ways than that., but actually the other part of me and in this case she was there to keep me on my path for this life.
Where it be theologically sound or not, it brought me peace and she remains forever someone who will be close.
barely able to breathe.
The walls, which were bars were closing in on me.
There was no escape, I was trapped.
Trapped with pain and misery and hurt,
with no where to go and no way to get there.
I thought that I had made this prison in recent memory, but i was wrong.
Its history stretched back to a time i could barely remember.
It trapped my hear ,suffocating it,
creating a great frenzy trying to escape from a cage, a prison of its own device.
Made to protect itself from hurt,
it became the source of hurt and pain.
I looked to where my arms had been and there were wings!
And I flew and soared far away.
And the cage, the prison, was left broken on the ground.
There is at least one person in my life who has been a source of continued encouragement in my life and especially during this adventure.
I have known this person for some 25 years and when I met her, I felt that I had always known her.
When we first met, this presented a great deal of confusion in me, because she was married and had one child and I liked her husband. She now has 3 children and the same very good man as a husband. We have stayed fast friends with no danger of anything else, despite my own confusion. It is who I am.
The people at the work place did not understand and would say mean things behind her back and I would laugh at their stupidity and shallowness to their face.
At times I would be angry with them, but our friendship remained strong.
Of course, i was still confused and asked for understanding on how 2 people could be so close and not a "couple". One day after she rescued me form severe despair with a visit in the hospital , a "solution" came to me and whether it be correct or not, it brought peace to my heart and put and end to my confusion; she was simply the other "half" of my soul. Not a soul mate, because we were closer in inexplicable ways than that., but actually the other part of me and in this case she was there to keep me on my path for this life.
Where it be theologically sound or not, it brought me peace and she remains forever someone who will be close.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Perceptions and music
There is an edge in my heart,
It flashes heat and rage at times.
It sees with a clarity I never knew before.
It now sees oppression and hypocrisy,
that is closer than I ever dreamed.
We do not know how good we have it.
We do not know how close we are to losing it all.
I will not speak any more about this save that the right side of my brain is real active.
It is feeling and seeing a lot.
Today I will talk about music, because growing up I really did not like music.
Even as a teen, the only "group" I could deal with was Simon and Garfunkel and that was it.
Everything else was painful or useless.
I knew some music and even today, I have vague ideas of what and who are in groups I like, but I listen to the music and know precious little about the musicians.
What do i like now?
EVERYTHING!
In my massive CD and record (vinyl) collection, I think I have more than 13,000 songs and just like my massive book collection (where I have read everything), I have listened to it all and kept the ones I liked only.
The music spans from classical to Rap and everything in between. I have a mp3 of Edison's first recording, "Mary had a little Lamb" and some very old 38's of vaudeville music.
I have LP recording releases and remixes of some of the latest music.
It depends what mood I am in to what i listen to, but mostly as I recover I listen to a short list of uplifting piano music from Michael Gettle and George Winston, fisherfolk (unabashedly christian), Nicholas Gunn and Alice Gomez (Native American Flute and drum) predominately. They are what seems to keep me alive. It is not that I do not like trance or Jazz or Peter Gabriel anymore, but those are not what is fighting the edge in my heart at this time. And I need all the means at my disposal to fight that edge or it will take over and it will not be good.
I follow Adam's World to keep up with some of the music that is current and keep in touch with my friend Scott who is still making music after a lot of years.
It flashes heat and rage at times.
It sees with a clarity I never knew before.
It now sees oppression and hypocrisy,
that is closer than I ever dreamed.
We do not know how good we have it.
We do not know how close we are to losing it all.
I will not speak any more about this save that the right side of my brain is real active.
It is feeling and seeing a lot.
Today I will talk about music, because growing up I really did not like music.
Even as a teen, the only "group" I could deal with was Simon and Garfunkel and that was it.
Everything else was painful or useless.
I knew some music and even today, I have vague ideas of what and who are in groups I like, but I listen to the music and know precious little about the musicians.
What do i like now?
EVERYTHING!
In my massive CD and record (vinyl) collection, I think I have more than 13,000 songs and just like my massive book collection (where I have read everything), I have listened to it all and kept the ones I liked only.
The music spans from classical to Rap and everything in between. I have a mp3 of Edison's first recording, "Mary had a little Lamb" and some very old 38's of vaudeville music.
I have LP recording releases and remixes of some of the latest music.
It depends what mood I am in to what i listen to, but mostly as I recover I listen to a short list of uplifting piano music from Michael Gettle and George Winston, fisherfolk (unabashedly christian), Nicholas Gunn and Alice Gomez (Native American Flute and drum) predominately. They are what seems to keep me alive. It is not that I do not like trance or Jazz or Peter Gabriel anymore, but those are not what is fighting the edge in my heart at this time. And I need all the means at my disposal to fight that edge or it will take over and it will not be good.
I follow Adam's World to keep up with some of the music that is current and keep in touch with my friend Scott who is still making music after a lot of years.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The promise of a beautiful day
Sitting Outside in the early morning,
everything is quiet,
except the distant whistle of a train.
The wind is blowing a refreshing breeze,
neither cold nor hot.
The bunches rustle and sway making an almost melancholy sound.
Everything feels good.
Then my neighbor begins working on his wife's car.
I do love the morning. It seems that with my adventure, i have become a morning person. Usually waking before the sun, but not rushing to get out of bed.
I have that first cup of coffee and i think about people in my life, there struggles and how much each means to me. It is pleasant.I go downstairs to workout for 10 or so minutes and then I have my second cup of coffee and on days like this, it is outside.
The lack of activity is refreshing.
I am still pondering what i am currently trying to learn and i am confused.
Yesterday, at the lab, i was in the middle of a number of things when someone stopped in. Thinking no one was up front to help him, i told him i would be a bit till i finished what i was doing.
I finished and he wanted water bottles for testing. My surprise was that my co-worker was upfront and could have helped with this simple thing. She did not.
There is a portion of me that is not surprised because while i was out, very little was done in the environmental water testing area.
You ask what i am trying to learn?
How to be dependent.
How to ask for help.
How not to do, when it really is too hard for me.
There is a degree of stubbornness and willfulness and just "will not give up" in me that does not allow for this much.
I remember when i was in the hospital that i simply let everyone do for me and help me as much as possible because i could not. I had no shame about them helping me with anything.
Part of my therapy for my self ( and encouraged by doctors, nurses and therapist) was to push and try everything.
There are things that i simply can not do still and i need to be able to ask for help.
Part of it is that i think i am a burden on people and that is the part that has to go.
This is my lesson at this time.
everything is quiet,
except the distant whistle of a train.
The wind is blowing a refreshing breeze,
neither cold nor hot.
The bunches rustle and sway making an almost melancholy sound.
Everything feels good.
Then my neighbor begins working on his wife's car.
I do love the morning. It seems that with my adventure, i have become a morning person. Usually waking before the sun, but not rushing to get out of bed.
I have that first cup of coffee and i think about people in my life, there struggles and how much each means to me. It is pleasant.I go downstairs to workout for 10 or so minutes and then I have my second cup of coffee and on days like this, it is outside.
The lack of activity is refreshing.
I am still pondering what i am currently trying to learn and i am confused.
Yesterday, at the lab, i was in the middle of a number of things when someone stopped in. Thinking no one was up front to help him, i told him i would be a bit till i finished what i was doing.
I finished and he wanted water bottles for testing. My surprise was that my co-worker was upfront and could have helped with this simple thing. She did not.
There is a portion of me that is not surprised because while i was out, very little was done in the environmental water testing area.
You ask what i am trying to learn?
How to be dependent.
How to ask for help.
How not to do, when it really is too hard for me.
There is a degree of stubbornness and willfulness and just "will not give up" in me that does not allow for this much.
I remember when i was in the hospital that i simply let everyone do for me and help me as much as possible because i could not. I had no shame about them helping me with anything.
Part of my therapy for my self ( and encouraged by doctors, nurses and therapist) was to push and try everything.
There are things that i simply can not do still and i need to be able to ask for help.
Part of it is that i think i am a burden on people and that is the part that has to go.
This is my lesson at this time.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Attitude
I sit thinking of this long (in my view) Adventure,
I think of the many times i could have slipped into dark despair, but did not.
The images of confusion do not push me into despair, but are a wonderment.
There is not blackness, but light,
God alone knows why, i do not comprehend the positiveness in my own heart.
I think of the many times i could have slipped into dark despair, but did not.
The images of confusion do not push me into despair, but are a wonderment.
There is not blackness, but light,
God alone knows why, i do not comprehend the positiveness in my own heart.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Attitude
How do you describe what seems to an unending torment, with the seeming possibility of ending, with sparks of change, but no completion?
This has been my question as of late
My sick time is running low, the person who is the "gateway" to the sick bank is not seeming to offer much hope as me getting any "extra" time (i have 12 &1/2 days of overage because i did not use it when I was at my maximum). The explanation for this gloomy forecast is because I am working, part time, but working. It almost seems like i am being punished for trying to get back on my feet.
On the other side is that when I wake up in the morning there seems to be improvement. After so much time after i am awake, the vision goes to the old place, but it starts out very good, almost single.
There is much activity in the back of my head, where there has been none previously and it is increasing.
Now my left eye starts to twitch since a week ago Friday.
All of this makes me really tired.
At work, while i am there, it is like it used to be, chaotic, with people coming from all sides with problems and issues for me to solve.
I do.
With the water testing mostly open for business, there is income coming into the lab. not that this was ever a big deal, but it shows the powers that be that we can make money.
I ask "Will this come to an end?"
Patience!
It always gets linked to endurance, long suffering, perseverance and then it gets linked to love.
Love comes from some of my closest friends, at inopportune moments, fro strangers, from people who come to this blog, to people I speak with on the phone.
And there is always Hope, for as much as i act out, i still hope for an end...
"the assurance of things hoped for"
Yes, this is part of it! I hope for an end of this part of my adventure.
"the conviction of things not seen"
Oh, how true! In so many way not seen!
I can say I believe the Doctors. the healers, the Spiritual people in my life and my closest friends.
They all have said it takes time.
"Not by sight"
That reference to seeing again!
Faith, is this what this is all about?
It gives rise to a whole new meaning to that word.
No longer a catch phrase for zealots, who use it as a weapon.
It comes as a word of peace, it brings solace, it brings peace and hope and some where in that journey there is joy.
This has been my question as of late
My sick time is running low, the person who is the "gateway" to the sick bank is not seeming to offer much hope as me getting any "extra" time (i have 12 &1/2 days of overage because i did not use it when I was at my maximum). The explanation for this gloomy forecast is because I am working, part time, but working. It almost seems like i am being punished for trying to get back on my feet.
On the other side is that when I wake up in the morning there seems to be improvement. After so much time after i am awake, the vision goes to the old place, but it starts out very good, almost single.
There is much activity in the back of my head, where there has been none previously and it is increasing.
Now my left eye starts to twitch since a week ago Friday.
All of this makes me really tired.
At work, while i am there, it is like it used to be, chaotic, with people coming from all sides with problems and issues for me to solve.
I do.
With the water testing mostly open for business, there is income coming into the lab. not that this was ever a big deal, but it shows the powers that be that we can make money.
I ask "Will this come to an end?"
Patience!
It always gets linked to endurance, long suffering, perseverance and then it gets linked to love.
Love comes from some of my closest friends, at inopportune moments, fro strangers, from people who come to this blog, to people I speak with on the phone.
And there is always Hope, for as much as i act out, i still hope for an end...
"the assurance of things hoped for"
Yes, this is part of it! I hope for an end of this part of my adventure.
"the conviction of things not seen"
Oh, how true! In so many way not seen!
I can say I believe the Doctors. the healers, the Spiritual people in my life and my closest friends.
They all have said it takes time.
"Not by sight"
That reference to seeing again!
Faith, is this what this is all about?
It gives rise to a whole new meaning to that word.
No longer a catch phrase for zealots, who use it as a weapon.
It comes as a word of peace, it brings solace, it brings peace and hope and some where in that journey there is joy.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Humor me
I actually have been slowly getting my dry whit back.
It popped out now and then, before but now it is fairly regular and comes out at unbeknown times and places.
It isn't nasty or cruel and can be fun.
It was gone a long time and I am glad it is back, it makes my life more fun.
I know that it used to be a way of getting back at someone, that portion seems to be gone and I am glad, this is more fun! It is playing and playful and i say wacky things with it.
It comes in a conversation, so i can not really post with it except in replies.
There is some improvement in my eyes, which actually makes life more difficult and I actually fell down because of it last night and that might explain the rise of this humor.
I can not yet take off the glasses to read, but many times there is a inverse doubling of images with them.
I am enjoying this.
I am working on a gravel walkway in the backyard. i have the memories of my older best friend guiding me a lot. It is interesting how close he is. I do not remember my own Grandfather, I was 5 when he died, but I have no memories of him. I actually have few memories before the age of 8. The ones I do have are interesting - like remembering running away on my tricycle when I was 2 & 1/2 or being baptized in the Greek Church in Norfolk when I was 3 & 1/2. I checked out my memories and they were very accurate except that I had it as a church in Washington DC, but the layout was exactly right.
It feels like freedom is coming.
A wing,
a dove,
a love,
a prayer.
It comes.
It popped out now and then, before but now it is fairly regular and comes out at unbeknown times and places.
It isn't nasty or cruel and can be fun.
It was gone a long time and I am glad it is back, it makes my life more fun.
I know that it used to be a way of getting back at someone, that portion seems to be gone and I am glad, this is more fun! It is playing and playful and i say wacky things with it.
It comes in a conversation, so i can not really post with it except in replies.
There is some improvement in my eyes, which actually makes life more difficult and I actually fell down because of it last night and that might explain the rise of this humor.
I can not yet take off the glasses to read, but many times there is a inverse doubling of images with them.
I am enjoying this.
I am working on a gravel walkway in the backyard. i have the memories of my older best friend guiding me a lot. It is interesting how close he is. I do not remember my own Grandfather, I was 5 when he died, but I have no memories of him. I actually have few memories before the age of 8. The ones I do have are interesting - like remembering running away on my tricycle when I was 2 & 1/2 or being baptized in the Greek Church in Norfolk when I was 3 & 1/2. I checked out my memories and they were very accurate except that I had it as a church in Washington DC, but the layout was exactly right.
It feels like freedom is coming.
A wing,
a dove,
a love,
a prayer.
It comes.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Descriptions
Thrown Deeper into a sea than I had never known,
Down I went till there seemed to be no light,
Only night.
Slowly, slowly,
I began to rise.
My lung thirsting for air,
Seemed ready to burst.
The light, shows dimly.
Will I, to the surface come?
If some times my posts seem disjointed, it is because I keep reaching for a description of how i feel, of what is truly occurring in my heart and mind.
This adventure seems like it has gone on forever, even though I know it has only been a short time and i feel the end is coming, one way or the other.
There is a rush, like i am coming from a deep dive with my lungs burning and i must reach the surface or burst.
This is the best i can offer.
Maaybe my right side of my brain describes things the best.
Down I went till there seemed to be no light,
Only night.
Slowly, slowly,
I began to rise.
My lung thirsting for air,
Seemed ready to burst.
The light, shows dimly.
Will I, to the surface come?
If some times my posts seem disjointed, it is because I keep reaching for a description of how i feel, of what is truly occurring in my heart and mind.
This adventure seems like it has gone on forever, even though I know it has only been a short time and i feel the end is coming, one way or the other.
There is a rush, like i am coming from a deep dive with my lungs burning and i must reach the surface or burst.
This is the best i can offer.
Maaybe my right side of my brain describes things the best.
New Day
Before Dawn's early light,
In the predawn shadows of shades of grey and black,
All images are one and I marvel.
The sun peaks over the horizon and all is lost,
Images split and become confused.
For whatever reason, my heart swells with Joy.
It is a New day!
I know i have not talked of this before, but before there is no light and my "rods" are the only things gathering light, i see single images. Everything is in greys without color. As soon as light appears and there are color images, my sight splits up. This was completely understandable to the optometrists at SUNY, but fairly uncommon.
It makes my life interesting because for a few short minutes, i see normally, then the light comes and i am back to needing my glasses.
Some mornings, i let myself do things without the glasses, with the double vision, just to prove i am not immobile.
Today is a new day and so far things look good.
In the predawn shadows of shades of grey and black,
All images are one and I marvel.
The sun peaks over the horizon and all is lost,
Images split and become confused.
For whatever reason, my heart swells with Joy.
It is a New day!
I know i have not talked of this before, but before there is no light and my "rods" are the only things gathering light, i see single images. Everything is in greys without color. As soon as light appears and there are color images, my sight splits up. This was completely understandable to the optometrists at SUNY, but fairly uncommon.
It makes my life interesting because for a few short minutes, i see normally, then the light comes and i am back to needing my glasses.
Some mornings, i let myself do things without the glasses, with the double vision, just to prove i am not immobile.
Today is a new day and so far things look good.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
A Sunday Morning
Dull skies with clouds scattered and grey,
Dirty snow, not shimmering white,
My heart is not pale tho,
a new hope has wakened,
I am at peace.
Wow! I never knew that fear was such a powerful enemy, I didn't know all of its origins. My heart obviously did. During this, in reality, short Adventure that seems to have lasted a life time, I keep coming into the depths of my heart and soul and awakening new things. And each new thing, I look at carefully, both the good the bad, the facts and the fiction, and the good seems strengthen and the bad seems to fade away. The facts are understood with new meaning and the fiction disappears. I find this amazing.
Dirty snow, not shimmering white,
My heart is not pale tho,
a new hope has wakened,
I am at peace.
Wow! I never knew that fear was such a powerful enemy, I didn't know all of its origins. My heart obviously did. During this, in reality, short Adventure that seems to have lasted a life time, I keep coming into the depths of my heart and soul and awakening new things. And each new thing, I look at carefully, both the good the bad, the facts and the fiction, and the good seems strengthen and the bad seems to fade away. The facts are understood with new meaning and the fiction disappears. I find this amazing.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
reflections
The light streams through the window
clouds, night and snowfall is gone,
The gleaming white reflects
clear!
This was my thought this morning when I woke and reflected on the long road I have been on, some prompted by UNLOADED's post yesterday.
When I first was released to the Van Munching inpatient rehabilitation center after a bit of time in ICU and the regular floors after the initial surgery, I had a hard time doing much of anything. I remembered bits and pieces of the regular hospital stay, but passage of time was confused at best. I could stand, with help and a walker, but had no sense of balance, not internally or externally and was very weak. In a very real way, this was my first lesson in giving up.
I had been physically very strong before the operation and may have been the strongest I had ever been in my life (albeit, overweight also). Growing up I had been very active, bicycling and swimming as the primary exercises for many hours a week. This made my legs and upper torso very strong (leg presses 1200 pounds). I also had practiced Tea Kwon Do/Tung So Do for many years and also had taught it.
As I got older I exercised at home every morning in a routine of stationary cycling and arm and hand exercises and then a few 'Katas' which mostly involved my legs. My outdoor activities would include vigorous walking (for some reason I had no stamina for running), Gardening and stone and brick work (yeah, I know, but they were hobbies and part of landscaping). I think I was pretty proud of my fitness level (except for the weight) and in one day it was all taken away from me.
Even if you did not count the problem I had with the eyesight, I was simply to weak to stand on my own.
I actually did not fight any of this and was told that I was a pleasure to work with (and confirmed by a friend who was a supervisor). It was my first lesson and I embraced it cause I was glad to be alive. I did what i was told to the best of my ability and let them help me in anyway they could.
All of the therapists were great, but 2 particularly stood out, Wendy was one. She worked on my ability first to stand and then to walk and it was hard. At the beginning, as I searched for the ability to stand on my own, I found not one center, but 3 and it confused me. She continued pushing.
Now as a quick aside, my balance was always something I needed to work on because at a very early age,I had damage done to the inner ear and nerve of my left ear, so that area of balance control was missing. I did well, working through that early in my life, but now my vision was not helping me either. Two clear images were being produced in my brain and that made 2 centers, but what was the third? It turns out that the third had to do with time. I had some sort of weird internal clock that would allow me to tell myself when to wake up and I would do it. No alarms. This was missing or off. Slowly this came back and slowly, through the excercises I was being put through, the other 2 'centers' came together, even though I was still seeing 2 images with my eyes. My balance was still off and that did not become mostly corrected till i came home and a home therapist worked with me.
At this point, I do the morning excercises, as I had done in the past, with no problem and even complete the kicking 'Katas' most of the time. It has only been since August since the surgery and December since the one set back.
I will not say that my ability to judge 'location' is really together yet and I still need help at times (especially when I try to put something on the table and miss), but I am extremely thankful for all the help and assistance I have had.
clouds, night and snowfall is gone,
The gleaming white reflects
clear!
This was my thought this morning when I woke and reflected on the long road I have been on, some prompted by UNLOADED's post yesterday.
When I first was released to the Van Munching inpatient rehabilitation center after a bit of time in ICU and the regular floors after the initial surgery, I had a hard time doing much of anything. I remembered bits and pieces of the regular hospital stay, but passage of time was confused at best. I could stand, with help and a walker, but had no sense of balance, not internally or externally and was very weak. In a very real way, this was my first lesson in giving up.
I had been physically very strong before the operation and may have been the strongest I had ever been in my life (albeit, overweight also). Growing up I had been very active, bicycling and swimming as the primary exercises for many hours a week. This made my legs and upper torso very strong (leg presses 1200 pounds). I also had practiced Tea Kwon Do/Tung So Do for many years and also had taught it.
As I got older I exercised at home every morning in a routine of stationary cycling and arm and hand exercises and then a few 'Katas' which mostly involved my legs. My outdoor activities would include vigorous walking (for some reason I had no stamina for running), Gardening and stone and brick work (yeah, I know, but they were hobbies and part of landscaping). I think I was pretty proud of my fitness level (except for the weight) and in one day it was all taken away from me.
Even if you did not count the problem I had with the eyesight, I was simply to weak to stand on my own.
I actually did not fight any of this and was told that I was a pleasure to work with (and confirmed by a friend who was a supervisor). It was my first lesson and I embraced it cause I was glad to be alive. I did what i was told to the best of my ability and let them help me in anyway they could.
All of the therapists were great, but 2 particularly stood out, Wendy was one. She worked on my ability first to stand and then to walk and it was hard. At the beginning, as I searched for the ability to stand on my own, I found not one center, but 3 and it confused me. She continued pushing.
Now as a quick aside, my balance was always something I needed to work on because at a very early age,I had damage done to the inner ear and nerve of my left ear, so that area of balance control was missing. I did well, working through that early in my life, but now my vision was not helping me either. Two clear images were being produced in my brain and that made 2 centers, but what was the third? It turns out that the third had to do with time. I had some sort of weird internal clock that would allow me to tell myself when to wake up and I would do it. No alarms. This was missing or off. Slowly this came back and slowly, through the excercises I was being put through, the other 2 'centers' came together, even though I was still seeing 2 images with my eyes. My balance was still off and that did not become mostly corrected till i came home and a home therapist worked with me.
At this point, I do the morning excercises, as I had done in the past, with no problem and even complete the kicking 'Katas' most of the time. It has only been since August since the surgery and December since the one set back.
I will not say that my ability to judge 'location' is really together yet and I still need help at times (especially when I try to put something on the table and miss), but I am extremely thankful for all the help and assistance I have had.
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