Walking into a trap, with my eyes wide open

I am planning to walk into a trap.
It will find me deficient,
wanting,
but life is not about being right
or wrong,
it is about living.
In the past,
in my youth,
i must be right
or there would be terrible consequences.
And so i always sought to have an answer,
ready,
that could withstand initial scrutiny.
It saved me many times.
Now i find i must deal with my lack,
my loss,
my mistakes.
It is troubling me
and i seek to make it okay.
I am walking into a trap
and i will be wrong,
incorrect
and found wanting,
it will be okay.

Valentines Day confession

Valentines Day is a strange "holiday" to me.
It is some what schizophrenic.
For those in good (and maybe not so good relationships) is is a day of performance.
Things are expected and given and taken as a profession of love.
That is not a bad thing, because people need to remember to say I love you at least once a year, but if it has to be forced, why bother.
I have been on that side of the coin and it was not so bad, but my preference was surprising her with sudden gifts or flowers or diners, they were more real to me and said much more.
So yes I am a romantic at heart, but then there is the other side.
This is the side where one is no in a relationship or in a bad one and nothing happens and nothing is expected and if flowers are given, it is all "Pro forma" with nothing behind it.
That is very depressing and if you have no one, you think there is something wrong with you because you do not have anyone and that is depressing. 
I suspect there are some very significant drinking binges that occur at this time because of this situation.
I said, I have been on both sides and now I am on neither.
How?
Love is.
I have 5 very special relationships with the opposite sex and none is romantic.  Three will never be because they are married people, but their husband know and respect me, so it will not go there.
The other 2, I do not know where they are leading.
Both are special people and I am most attracted to who they are (or rather who they have become) in the midst of trouble and will not cause them any more until they are ready for a relationship again (if ever), but they are special.
The more important issue is that, If valentines day is a day to celebrate love (and not what its initials stand for, as we joke at STD clinic) then I have loved many times, some times accepted, some times rejected and some time torn asunder by forces way greater than either of us.
I can celebrate that,
I can celebrate that I look to give a little bit of my self (and in that, it means my love) everyday that I ow live.  I do not need a special day to proclaim that, it is who I am.

A Sunday Morning

Dull skies with clouds scattered and grey,
Dirty snow, not shimmering white,
My heart is not pale tho,
a new hope has wakened,
I am at peace.

Wow! I never knew that fear was such a powerful enemy, I didn't know all of its origins. My heart obviously did. During this, in reality, short Adventure that seems to have lasted a life time, I keep coming into the depths of my heart and soul and awakening new things. And each new thing, I look at carefully, both the good the bad, the facts and the fiction, and the good seems strengthen and the bad seems to fade away. The facts are understood with new meaning and the fiction disappears. I find this amazing.

New learning

I had some extra things to say yesterday, but the outage caused them not to be posted, but today is a new, different day and I may get back to that stuff. Today is a different day because i learned something, yeah, me. As i have posted, there is this beach closure meeting (US EPA's words, not mine) today at 10:30 Am in the Mayor's conference room. The State beach program and out health department will be there with the mayor and the US EPA. The meeting should be all about how we can stop our beach closures (this previously stated from the US EPA head, Ann Rodney). At first i was all excited about going and then I realized it would not be a good idea. I argued with myself, "Self says I, I am the architect of that policy, I did the research, I know most of the problems and nuances of the huge amount of data we collected." I stopped and decided not to go after that triad. Yes, all that is true, I did do the work and helped formulate and refine the policy, but all I needed to do is stop being a hypocrite and share my info and heart with my boss. Some where in all of this the conflict was that i was not doing a good job sharing everything I knew with others. You see any time I pontificate about how data should be shared and not held so tight, that others can't see it. Well, cause of my self importance, I was not doing that and decided I need to change that attitude, pronto. My boss will be there, who is the other third (we have a fourth person, who is equally as important, but she is the office support person and would not analyze things coming into the lab) of an incredibly knowledgeable and powerful team that makes up the laboratory and I trust that.

On other news, yesterday I saw the gerontologist, who had done an endoscopy 2 weeks previous. The swallowing problems appear to all be related to acid reflux, which is curable with the proper medicine. This was an incredible piece of good news and another piece of the puzzle that has been solved. Onward to Monday and the next 2 hour eye exam!