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Born a Texan, but traveled the US extensively.  Now staying on the East coast.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

The promise of a beautiful day

Sitting Outside in the early morning,
everything is quiet,
except the distant whistle of a train.
The wind is blowing a refreshing breeze,
neither cold nor hot.
The bunches rustle and sway making an almost melancholy sound.
Everything feels good.
Then my neighbor begins working on his wife's car.

I do love the morning. It seems that with my adventure, i have become a morning person. Usually waking before the sun, but not rushing to get out of bed.
I have that first cup of coffee and i think about people in my life, there struggles and how much each means to me. It is pleasant.I go downstairs to workout for 10 or so minutes and then I have my second cup of coffee and on days like this, it is outside.
The lack of activity is refreshing.

I am still pondering what i am currently trying to learn and i am confused.
Yesterday, at the lab, i was in the middle of a number of things when someone stopped in. Thinking no one was up front to help him, i told him i would be a bit till i finished what i was doing.
I finished and he wanted water bottles for testing. My surprise was that my co-worker was upfront and could have helped with this simple thing. She did not.
There is a portion of me that is not surprised because while i was out, very little was done in the environmental water testing area.
You ask what i am trying to learn?
How to be dependent.
How to ask for help.
How not to do, when it really is too hard for me.
There is a degree of stubbornness and willfulness and just "will not give up" in me that does not allow for this much.
I remember when i was in the hospital that i simply let everyone do for me and help me as much as possible because i could not. I had no shame about them helping me with anything.
Part of my therapy for my self ( and encouraged by doctors, nurses and therapist) was to push and try everything.
There are things that i simply can not do still and i need to be able to ask for help.
Part of it is that i think i am a burden on people and that is the part that has to go.
This is my lesson at this time.
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