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Born a Texan, but traveled the US extensively.  Now staying on the East coast.

Monday, May 25, 2009


There are too many strange things going on.
When i have my glasses on and i turn my head quickly, the world seems to spin and then comes back together again.
To avoid this i would need to turn my head very slowly, something i have not gotten into the habit of.
Last night, as i was preparing a plate of dinner for one of the people who lives in the house, but was working, i did that to put a pot back onto the stove. I missed the stove.

There is appropriate anger. I have myself more experienced inappropriate anger where i just blow up and some perceived injustice. Some times i am right.
This morning, during my quite time, i was thinking about the city's board which allocates sick bank time. The wording was interesting. I quote:
" Since you are getting paid, it does not meet one of the requirements of the Sick Bank, that it be “extreme hardship.” ".

This is of course is because i chosen to try to go back to work.
I would love each on that board to have the vision i am experiencing for 5 minutes and tell me it is not an "extreme hardship".
I was angry, because of the callousness of the decision and the strange inflexibility of the rules. It will be fought, but because i have had so much trouble with anger in the past, i had stuffed it down.
Something became clear, ti is not because i have not asked for help, i have. It is that people and boards do not seem to respond to my request. There is more of a lesson to learn here.
Even around the house, it takes several requests before my house mates realize i can not do something, before it happens.
As a teen, there were times i would turn into a seething volcano. I never hurt anyone, but the potential was there. Even as a young adult, that rage would occur and things would get broken.
It was funny to me, but the community i was in (at that point it was more strictly Christian), had no issue with me being angry, i just had to repair what i broke and they tried ( at least the leadership) to help me come to grips with what was going on.
As good as my parents were (and as bad), there was always a portion of ignoring me that happened. Too much other life bearing down on them for them to struggle against for them to also struggle with their only child.
I have trouble being ignored!
As much as i want to be upset or angry, there are times i simply will not.
An important person to me as huge issues with her children, one is 15 and diagnosed with mental illness. The child has been in and out of hospitals and is getting into trouble. As much as I want to see my friend this weekend, i do understand why i might not and really do remember the struggles of being a teen.
Another friend, lives elsewhere, struggles with her daughter, also a teen, who deals with anxiety and panic attacks. Is a brilliant kid, but does not fit in at school. I relate really well.
Back to the pot.
out of the corner of my eye, my peripheral vision sees it falling and my hand shoots out and catches it as it is falling. Nothing is spilled.
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