I walk into work daily, except when raining the a friend gives me a ride.
It is a time to think and see.
My mind is usually fresh and things kind of happen in there,
Before leaving today, I was seeing what weather they thought we would have today and I started flipping around (I know a guy thing), I saw an "Angel" rerun.
I was always attracted to the dark heroes on screen and TV. The more struggles they had within themselves, the more I related.
It was the heart wrenching soul turning, hatred of the themselves and the ripping anger directed at themselves that some how would drive there acts during the movie.
Think "Angel" or "Forever night" or even" Buffy". Think the "Dark Knight". Think Bruce Willis in some of his dark movies and even some of the light ones.
All had tortured souls, struggling within themselves and they did what was good.
I related deeply for reasons I do not know and now do not want to know.
The daemon that pushed me to do good was inside of my heart creating conflicts of longing and confusion, but somehow mostly doing the right thing, without fear or care what might happen to me.
But in all of this, I hated me and so did not care what happened and therefore I put myself on the torture rack.
I was aware of this, but felt powerless to stop it.
There is a side story, many years ago when I had my first (?) spiritual experience, I became in a Charismatic / Pentecostal church and while they would have a wave of the Spirit come over them and would be singing or speaking in "tongues", I would be laughing. Not at them, that was the release I was given for those few brief moments of that torture in my soul.
Anyone who has had a Spiritual experience, knows that everything is just a beginng and that we follow a long Journey of change over our lives and it never stops.
The (?) is because when I was 3, I remember my baptism in a Greek Orthodox Church and that may have really been my first experience because I remember the ceremony and the church vivdly.
So why all of this rambling?
Because while walking to work this morning, I reealized that that hatred was missing, it was not there and had not been for some time.
It does not make me a better person, it makes me a freer one and yes I can blame this crazy "Adventure" on its absence.
The loss of so much over the past year, has helped me lose that anger.
It is good!