I did not remove this morning post.
There are so many strange things going on and it fit with the strangeness.
I lose short term memory for a short while at times, forgetting peoples names, but not the faces. Have trouble dealing with the large quantity of work, which will decrease in September.
The memory thing is a point of exhaustion and pain - after going through the examination at SUNY, the muscles in my eyes hurt. They are being worked particularly hard and it lasts at least one day. That the tires the rest of me out and my functioning level is one small thing at a time, but i still have to sort it out at work because 5 things are thrown at me at once.
That creates its own confusion and I struggle to make sense of it all as it is coming at me.
I do not get any help.
I am actually looking at a disability retirement possibility.
This is also hard.
For so many years I have been defined by what I do and can do, it does not work for me anymore and I am looking to be free of that trap. I think it lets you be used.
It is who i am that is important, not what I do.
Those crazy free verse prose that come out of my heart, they tell the story.
The inspiration that comes when i see a picture or scene that i want to paint, not the painting itself, but the inspiration, that is what is important.
It is the flowers in the garden I tend and the fragrances of the herbs that are in there that make my life, well happy.
I have peppermint all over my hand right now and it is wonderful.
That I can see the ecological stupidity of paths that progress and the desire for corrective action are creating, well, that is my knowledge.
And that is important also.
5 comments:
hI Whitemist-
I understand your life so well. I too am winding down my career as my M S symptoms are such that I cannot perform my job. I will be re-evaluated on 9/15. I have been in human services for 25 years so this is a difficult transition. I am doing i slowly - and surrendering ot my truth.
I understand.
Love to you
Gail]peace.....
In your position , I guess it takes courage either way (to work or to stop working. You have to do what you feel like doing Joey! You certainly earned your stripes (retirement). After some time you will know what to do. On days like this when we don't feel like ourselves, it's only understandable that we like to quit, but take that decision on a good day (so that later you know it a choice you wanted to make)
When I send someone wishes, it's never for a day of fulfilling work. It's for peppermint on their fingers.
A good, important point to remember about everything. I hope you find the happiness that comes from living every moment.
One of the many doctors I've been exposed to said I probably only have about 10 years left, but nobody has offered me any sort of disability plan. Apparently I'll have to work until I drop dead. The upside is that, unless I get a big raise, I won't live long enough to pay off all my medical debt.
You have shown a tremendous amount of determination, courage and resolve. You may need to fall back before moving forward many times. I'd say overall you have made big strides in the time I've read your blog. I admire the backbone you've shown. Hang in there.
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