ruminating

yes, old words for something i do regularly.
think, meditating,
i go back thought the dust in my brain and sort through it.
People who came into my life unbidden,
claiming to know me from a tumultuous time.
I did not remember them and told them to leave.
Things that may or may not have happen longer ago than that,
i do not remember,
but a deep scar was left
and i have limped through life since.
Fear still exists in my life,
but does it control me?
I run at it when i find it,
tackling it with humor,
and i think it looses its hold.
Maybe, maybe not.
Questions i ask myself,
about me,
but there are no answers,
for someone else needs to tell me.
Deep needs or wants or desires,
 that so often are misunderstood,
by even those closest to me.
I shake off the dust of these deep ruminations
and straighten out the porch with all it life
and continue for this day.