A Time To Die Or Not

a descriptive narrative of my operation

The problems had become increasingly unbearable,

the sharp, 20 second burst of pain over my left eye.

They left me unable to do anything,

for those long twenty seconds.

They came with almost no warning

and I was a danger while driving,

but sometimes I was able to pull over,

before the sharpness caused my eyes to shut.

On a date,

it became so bad

and scared the person i was with.

A doctors visit,

a can scan,

a referral,

another doctor,

an MRI

and then the news,

a tumor,

pressing against my brain stem,

this is what caused the aches.

It had to come out,

but in 2 weeks.

I was frightened,

as never before.

Frightened of death,

though that was not foretold by the second doctor.

He would remove it

and i would be okay.

A few days of double vision,

maybe some nausea

and a couple of weeks in the hospital.

Back to work in a month at the most.

My fear paralyzed me,

but i could not give it voice.

My friends did not know what to do,

we went to a psychic,

who told me time was not yet.

I felt relieved,

until they handed me that waiver,

before the operation.

In black and white in said that i could die during the procedure.

I was, yet again, in fear.

The anesthesiologist came

and i counted backwards from 10,

then blackness.

Time passed,

but i was unaware.

I hear a voice,

"He's not breathing people!".

An urgency was there

and i found myself in a peaceful place,

surrounded by love,

without pain.

It was timeless

and there was no fear.

I wake,

coughing,

sit up not able to breath correctly.

Something in my lung.

I cough and reach up and find a tube entering my mouth.

I pull it out,

gasping

and choking

and coughing.

A frantic person in a surgical gown,

tries to reason with me,

tries to stop me

and then the anesthesiologist,

injects me again,

i sleep without dreams.

Another awakening,

fuzzy,

I am not coherent.

My mom and some number of friends are there,

but consciousness fades.

Again, i awake,

in a darkened room,

with machines tied to me.

There is pain,

i am alone except for two doctors yelling at each other,

about something thinks the other did wrong,

but it is not about me.

Pain, light, shadow,

all assail me

and i struggle,

not knowing why.

That other place was so wonderful,

beyond words,

but i no longer have time for that.

My site begins to clear,

but it is double.

Everything i see is replicated over itself,

i still can not truly see.

A few days, not weeks, go by

and i am out of ICU,

but still not well.

My head is swollen

and there are poundings in the back of my head,

where they cut me.

My vision,

confused at best,

still doubles the images.

I can not walk,

I can not stand.

Someone must be with me for all activities,

i have no modesty and do not care.

I cough and can not properly swallow.

Days turn to weeks,

weeks into months.

Daily or twice therapy

or was more than one,

teaching me to stand

and to walk

and to see with a patch covering one eye.

I am able to get a lap top

and i am surprised when i remember pass words.

Two months and then they let me go.

I still can not walk with  out a cane,

my head is still swollen.

I aspirate my food often,

but i told them i was okay

or they would still,

have kept me.

One more time under the knife, to help drain the fluid.

This was quick and painless,

not like before.

The swelling goes,

but time passes and i lose one more thing,

cognition.

I can not remember how to cook a turkey,

fix a bed,

my passwords are gone

and i begin to lose myself.

A fall,

a woman sceams,

a fire truck,

a gentle paramedic

are all that i remember

and more time in that white walled place,

thoughts and memories are blurred,

vague images of doctors and nurses.

Now under the knife again to shut off what allowed the swelling to drain.

I wake up me again,

knowing who i am,

but not fully knowing what has happened.

I am awake,

but much is gone,

there are at least two years erased from memory,

maybe more.

I meet people,

who i do not know.

People tell me of things that i have done

and the recollection is not there.

Places I have been from before that,

I remember,

but those two years are simply gone.

Now slowly i recover

and soon go back to work,

only part-time.

It has been 9 months

and i still do not have the energy.

The adventure never ends,

for this is what i call it.

It is not negative, but positive,

for I still remember the place of peace and quiet

and there is no more fear now.