a descriptive narrative of
my operation
The
problems had become increasingly unbearable,
the
sharp, 20 second burst of pain over my left eye.
They
left me unable to do anything,
for
those long twenty seconds.
They
came with almost no warning
and
I was a danger while driving,
but
sometimes I was able to pull over,
before
the sharpness caused my eyes to shut.
On
a date,
it
became so bad
and
scared the person i was with.
A
doctors visit,
a
can scan,
a
referral,
another
doctor,
an
MRI
and
then the news,
a
tumor,
pressing
against my brain stem,
this
is what caused the aches.
It
had to come out,
but
in 2 weeks.
I
was frightened,
as
never before.
Frightened
of death,
though
that was not foretold by the second doctor.
He
would remove it
and
i would be okay.
A
few days of double vision,
maybe
some nausea
and
a couple of weeks in the hospital.
Back
to work in a month at the most.
My
fear paralyzed me,
but
i could not give it voice.
My
friends did not know what to do,
we
went to a psychic,
who
told me time was not yet.
I
felt relieved,
until
they handed me that waiver,
before
the operation.
In
black and white in said that i could die during the procedure.
I
was, yet again, in fear.
The
anesthesiologist came
and
i counted backwards from 10,
then
blackness.
Time
passed,
but
i was unaware.
I
hear a voice,
"He's
not breathing people!".
An
urgency was there
and
i found myself in a peaceful place,
surrounded
by love,
without
pain.
It
was timeless
and
there was no fear.
I
wake,
coughing,
sit
up not able to breath correctly.
Something
in my lung.
I
cough and reach up and find a tube entering my mouth.
I
pull it out,
gasping
and
choking
and
coughing.
A
frantic person in a surgical gown,
tries
to reason with me,
tries
to stop me
and
then the anesthesiologist,
injects
me again,
i
sleep without dreams.
Another
awakening,
fuzzy,
I
am not coherent.
My
mom and some number of friends are there,
but
consciousness fades.
Again,
i awake,
in
a darkened room,
with
machines tied to me.
There
is pain,
i
am alone except for two doctors yelling at each other,
about
something thinks the other did wrong,
but
it is not about me.
Pain,
light, shadow,
all
assail me
and
i struggle,
not
knowing why.
That
other place was so wonderful,
beyond
words,
but
i no longer have time for that.
My
site begins to clear,
but
it is double.
Everything
i see is replicated over itself,
i
still can not truly see.
A
few days, not weeks, go by
and
i am out of ICU,
but
still not well.
My
head is swollen
and
there are poundings in the back of my head,
where
they cut me.
My
vision,
confused
at best,
still
doubles the images.
I
can not walk,
I
can not stand.
Someone
must be with me for all activities,
i
have no modesty and do not care.
I
cough and can not properly swallow.
Days
turn to weeks,
weeks
into months.
Daily
or twice therapy
or
was more than one,
teaching
me to stand
and
to walk
and
to see with a patch covering one eye.
I
am able to get a lap top
and
i am surprised when i remember pass words.
Two
months and then they let me go.
I
still can not walk with out a cane,
my
head is still swollen.
I
aspirate my food often,
but
i told them i was okay
or
they would still,
have
kept me.
One
more time under the knife, to help drain the fluid.
This
was quick and painless,
not
like before.
The
swelling goes,
but
time passes and i lose one more thing,
cognition.
I
can not remember how to cook a turkey,
fix
a bed,
my
passwords are gone
and
i begin to lose myself.
A
fall,
a
woman sceams,
a
fire truck,
a
gentle paramedic
are
all that i remember
and
more time in that white walled place,
thoughts
and memories are blurred,
vague
images of doctors and nurses.
Now
under the knife again to shut off what allowed the swelling to drain.
I
wake up me again,
knowing
who i am,
but
not fully knowing what has happened.
I
am awake,
but
much is gone,
there
are at least two years erased from memory,
maybe
more.
I
meet people,
who
i do not know.
People
tell me of things that i have done
and
the recollection is not there.
Places
I have been from before that,
I
remember,
but
those two years are simply gone.
Now
slowly i recover
and
soon go back to work,
only
part-time.
It
has been 9 months
and
i still do not have the energy.
The
adventure never ends,
for
this is what i call it.
It
is not negative, but positive,
for
I still remember the place of peace and quiet
and there is no more fear now.
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