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Born a Texan, but traveled the US extensively.  Now staying on the East coast.

Friday, July 25, 2014

A Time To Die Or Not

a descriptive narrative of my operation

The problems had become increasingly unbearable,
the sharp, 20 second burst of pain over my left eye.
They left me unable to do anything,
for those long twenty seconds.
They came with almost no warning
and I was a danger while driving,
but sometimes I was able to pull over,
before the sharpness caused my eyes to shut.
On a date,
it became so bad
and scared the person i was with.
A doctors visit,
a can scan,
a referral,
another doctor,
an MRI
and then the news,
a tumor,
pressing against my brain stem,
this is what caused the aches.
It had to come out,
but in 2 weeks.
I was frightened,
as never before.
Frightened of death,
though that was not foretold by the second doctor.
He would remove it
and i would be okay.
A few days of double vision,
maybe some nausea
and a couple of weeks in the hospital.
Back to work in a month at the most.



My fear paralyzed me,
but i could not give it voice.
My friends did not know what to do,
we went to a psychic,
who told me time was not yet.
I felt relieved,
until they handed me that waiver,
before the operation.
In black and white in said that i could die during the procedure.
I was, yet again, in fear.
The anesthesiologist came
and i counted backwards from 10,
then blackness.
Time passed,
but i was unaware.
I hear a voice,
"He's not breathing people!".
An urgency was there
and i found myself in a peaceful place,
surrounded by love,
without pain.
It was timeless
and there was no fear.
I wake,
coughing,
sit up not able to breath correctly.
Something in my lung.
I cough and reach up and find a tube entering my mouth.
I pull it out,
gasping
and choking
and coughing.
A frantic person in a surgical gown,
tries to reason with me,
tries to stop me
and then the anesthesiologist,
injects me again,
i sleep without dreams.

Another awakening,
fuzzy,
I am not coherent.
My mom and some number of friends are there,
but consciousness fades.
Again, i awake,
in a darkened room,
with machines tied to me.
There is pain,
i am alone except for two doctors yelling at each other,
about something thinks the other did wrong,
but it is not about me.
Pain, light, shadow,
all assail me
and i struggle,
not knowing why.
That other place was so wonderful,
beyond words,
but i no longer have time for that.
My site begins to clear,
but it is double.
Everything i see is replicated over itself,
i still can not truly see.
A few days, not weeks, go by
and i am out of ICU,
but still not well.

My head is swollen
and there are poundings in the back of my head,
where they cut me.
My vision,
confused at best,
still doubles the images.
I can not walk,
I can not stand.
Someone must be with me for all activities,
i have no modesty and do not care.
I cough and can not properly swallow.

Days turn to weeks,
weeks into months.
Daily or twice therapy
or was more than one,
teaching me to stand
and to walk
and to see with a patch covering one eye.
I am able to get a lap top
and i am surprised when i remember pass words.

Two months and then they let me go.
I still can not walk with  out a cane,
my head is still swollen.
I aspirate my food often,
but i told them i was okay
or they would still,
have kept me.
One more time under the knife, to help drain the fluid.
This was quick and painless,
not like before.
The swelling goes,
but time passes and i lose one more thing,
cognition.
I can not remember how to cook a turkey,
fix a bed,
my passwords are gone
and i begin to lose myself.
A fall,
a woman sceams,
a fire truck,
a gentle paramedic
are all that i remember
and more time in that white walled place,
thoughts and memories are blurred,
vague images of doctors and nurses.
Now under the knife again to shut off what allowed the swelling to drain.
I wake up me again,
knowing who i am,
but not fully knowing what has happened.
I am awake,
but much is gone,
there are at least two years erased from memory,
maybe more.
I meet people,
who i do not know.
People tell me of things that i have done
and the recollection is not there.
Places I have been from before that,
I remember,
but those two years are simply gone.

Now slowly i recover
and soon go back to work,
only part-time.
It has been 9 months
and i still do not have the energy.
The adventure never ends,
for this is what i call it.
It is not negative, but positive,
for I still remember the place of peace and quiet
and there is no more fear now.
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