yesterday

it was a difficult one,
but i came out of it before and hour or so.
Today is better by far
and that is the way it goes

still struggling

the good news is that my tumor is not coming back.
the good news is i am in good health,
but sometimes my attitude sucks,
feeling down and not wanting to be here any more.
No not at the farm, but on this earth.
do not fear,
i will not cause my demise, but there are times i wish i was gone.
it comes suddenly with other emotions and so i struggle.
i do not give up,
but this is what it feels like.
I am still not "okay".
Every death reported in the news makes me jealous,
but i do not want a slow death, i want it quick, mostly for my self, but also for those near me.
THe is a dark post cause i am in the middle of one of these episodes.

Inspiration and motivation

I have had to grapple with the differences in these to concepts and emotions as of late.
A bit of an idea comes into my head and it begins to grow and form,
but i am struggling with the emotion of putting it together into a work.
This is happening with many areas of my life;
painting is one, though i think something is coming some.
Cooking something so outside the box for a chili contest is another.
The ideas are there, formed and solid, but i can not get motivated and put the ideas into action.
It is a struggle.
How do you bridge this gap?

After the fun, back to reality

Taken last year during stormy weather

The meme in my last post was a bit of fun
and i think i needed that,
for there is still turmoil in my heart and life.
A movie, The Green Lantern, kinda got me started.
It pits will versus fear.
Human frailtyand the acknowledgement that we are full of fear,
to overcoming that,
but fear and will are not opposites.
Love (real Love, not what most people water down and call Love) is the opposition to fear and it does win - always.
Doubt and shadow can erode Love and allow fear to creep in
and me, i am still in that place.
Still battling the things that would steal that which is most important from me.
People do stupid things, but they are not my battle,
but sometimes i believe those things
and so think i am nothing,
worthless,
useless.
They are lies and i must stuggle to beat them.
And then there is Love,
not selfish,
wanting only the best
and not to do harm.
I seek this,
i thirst for this.

I guess i got a bit deep after being so lite.
This is life tho, it can not always be a struggle,
it can not always be lite.
It must be a mixture of both
or it is not a life.

An old struggle

Kicking and punching and screaming and yelling and fighting;
has filled my dreams as of late.
It is not because of what I see (or can not),
what i can not do (or can).
It is a struggle between who i was
and who i am becoming.
The man, who before the operation,
was meticulous and contoling,
full of fear and angst,
is losing ground, but is trying a desperate atempt to regain control.
The man who is coming...
is a man of Kindness and
in kindness there is no fear,
and no need to control,
and no need to worry.
Something programed from birth is the tool that the frighten man is using.
He is found out and the Kind man will prevail.
For only there will i have peace.

Answers

My Eyes hurt today.
Of course I was working yesterday and If I figure right, I will continue to do so until January,. Sigh!
I go to a conference tomorrow and Wednesday I take off (and I will present something at the conference).
I will give a start to the answers to my puzzle, slowly of course!

Chili
Ground buffalo meat (2 #)
Ground chicken meat (1 #)
Lean ground beef (1#)
Chopped onions (2)
Butter
Diced hot peppers to taste
Diced red bell pepper
Diced tomatoes (canned is okay) about 1 16 oz can.
Chili powder (to taste)
Cumin (to taste)
1 beer (Dos Equis is preferred)
Special addition – one orange cut into pieces (include peel)
Burgundy wine
Course chopped cilantro
· Browning the meat and onions first is best.
· Place into crock-pot and turn on low.
· Add all spices and peppers, except Course chopped cilantro.
· When every thing is hot, add diced tomatoes.
· After 5 hours of cooking add 1 beer
· After 1 more hour add orange and wine
· Add Course chopped cilantro cook one more hour
· Serve with Course chopped cilantro on top.
This can be frozen until the day to be used.

Greek meatballs!
1 pound ground lamb
1 pound lean ground beef
2 course chopped onions
1/2 cup bread crumbs
1 egg
1/2 cup chopped parsley
1/2 cup dry mint leaves
diced garlic (1 tablespoon)
olive oil
oregano
lemon juice
Mixed it all very well
add olive oil to just cover baking pan
make small (no more than 1 & 1/2 inch) rolled balls.
Sprinkle with oregano and lemon juice
Place then on the pan and bake at 350 until just brown.
sprinkle a small amount of salt.
This can be frozen until the day to be used.

It has been a year

Everyday is a struggle.
Everyday is a fight.
Everyday is hard.
I struggle with vision,
that even with prisms,
splits and wobbles.
I struggle to stand and walk. everyday.
To make my body do what my mind wants.
even tho the path is distorted and muddles.
Everyday, not some day, not most days,
Everyday.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


I am not sure, but I think I can almost related to those of you with MS, whose body will not obey the mind. Who watch their muscle deteriorate through a cause they can not control.

Me? I simply have too much information coming in, my mind is not still able to deal with it and it gets confused. while typing letters are switched, keys are missed, doubles of the same letter are moved to the next.
Writing becomes more interesting with 9s becoming 4s and vice a versa. 5s becoming 8 and the reverse.

It has been a year since I came out of the Hospital and I wonder how long I can keep this up.

Sometimes I lose it, get angry, upset and want to give up, but yes I am a fighter, I do not.

Difficult Stuggling Dreams

Last night I had a series of them, I remember the last one.
I know that I have been having them for a number of days (weeks?).
I am in the lab doing something and there is a flurry of activity.
I must finish what I am doing.
A woman, who I do not know walks in demanding a copy of a report.
She is some one important.
The report brought down her Ex.
He was a Senator. He was driven out of office by the report.
She now wants an official copy so she can get money from him.
She is divorcing him.
The copy has a pen line through one result and a hand written values over it.
The typed line would not have been a problem. The written line is.
It does not look real, but it looks a bit like my hand writing.
It is something I would never do.
I demand to be able to finish my work.
My co-worker is not helping and is saying things to hinder me.
Other people come in the lab who have no business there.
They are gawking at the woman.
Some I know, some I don't.
One asks if i think she would be interested in him because she will have lots of money.
I look at him like he is crazy.
I finish what I was doing and go to my computer.
Only it has been disconnected with wires all over the place.
I try to start to put it together and a bunch of gaming disks fall out the back of the stand.
I claim someone is tampering with things.
I call IT.
End of dream.

The emotion of the dream is what is important, the struggles, the frustration, the feeling that nothing ends. That feeling is what has been reproduced in a number of other dreams (not in the Lab or at work) that i do not remember.
I no longer wonder why there is so much stress in my shoulders.

Strangeness

I am some what strange.
I make these giant intuitive leaps and then realize how much work is involved in proving them.
I had one of those today and I posted the thought on Joey K on the environment.
I am getting used to the fact that no one realizes how tired I am by 1 PM, they bring me samples anyway.
I may have to work Sunday for a few hours.
Have a friend, who goes through many struggles in her life, more than I can imagine.
I know what I want from the relationship - a companion.
I ask, is that what she wants?
No answer back yet, but she wants me as a least a friend.
Last week Monday, I sat on my glasses and twisted them up really badly. I tried to straighten them out and even had a friend try to help (he is an engineer and knows a lot), but I was worn down even earlier because you want to talk about distortion!
Wednesday, my friend took me to a local optometrist, who straighten the glasses for free (they are his glasses, the prisms are not his).
I could see again.
I was very worn out and Thursday and Friday were not that good and Saturday was even worse.
Sunday I washed the prisms with soap and things were even clearer and my energy came back.
Saturday I also had a confrontation with someone who was trying to get way too close, way too fast. They left unhappy, but they left.
I know how much of a struggle I am dealing with because sometimes my mind just plain stops.
That is okay, they have to deal with ti.
I have been dropping back everywhere and it is helping.
I do not need to kill myself, but then I am this curious creature who just can not stop asking, what if?
I also have this need to paint soon, but not quite yet.
I know my subject, but my timing has to be correct.

struggles and questions

So I begin this post with an issue, it is actually harder to get around after using the new glasses and seeing singly while working on the computer, then taking them off and patching to get around a large area. It is almost like starting new.
This of course creates confusion and makes it a bit harder to walk around (of course today that does not matter with all the snow).
Then, I got informed of a beach closure meeting being held on the 22nd in the mayor's conference room. I would love to go, especially since I am then architect of the beach closure info and reasons on beach closures and probably know every nuance of why.
I do not know if
1) I can get there physically and
2) if I can be in a meeting for 2 1/2 hours without getting totally exhausted.
I am trying to build my strength, but sometimes just going up and down stairs exhausts me. The question is open.

My Heart Jumps up.
excited with a prospect,
my body says no.

Browsing

As I browsed through the blogs, I have been struck with how many of them deal with coping. Coping with ones own illness, a love ones, a new place, the death of someone or thing close. I actually understand. When I first started, I did not post much, but found out it was an okay outlet. When I had my surgery, it became an obsession. Every post (including the environmental ones) has more meaning. I want people to know what I have gone through and I want myself to be able to go back and see what was happening at the time (not in my memory). I want to share the things I find that are important so that they are there for anyone who might need them. In all of this I remember Sergio and how his courage at worked spoke to so many. Now people are telling me that I am inspiring them. This surprised me for I keep thinking that my struggle is my own, but it is not, it is all of ours. And each one of us has struggles to share and help each other.