While doing dinner,
i had one of those "spells".
This one sets me coughing and i can not stop.
This is one of those things that happen to me...
The esophagus no longer works properly after mt operation,
that is because i was intubated when i stopped breathing on the table
and pulled all the tubes out when i woke.
But i think of all these things that i go through daily;
losing my balance regularly
and sometimes falling.
grasping for something
and missing because i can not really tell where it is.
The coughing during dinner,
so that i can not eat any more.
The strain from my eyes
that makes me want to sleep so much.
The tiredness from just doing regular physical work,
though i am still very strong.
All of these things come to mind and i think
how could i subject someone to this,
to be close to me,
to wonder if i am going to die after one of these "things" that happen to me.
I do not want to subject anyone to this
and so i do remain alone.