Struggling to write

I have finished one memoir, "the Joy of Work", which still needs a once more review and editing by a professional.
Oh yes, then it needs to be published, but in the mean time, I am writing another concerning my operation and recovery.  I have titled it "Fear and Recovery, Reflections on surviving a Brain Tumor".
This is giving me fits because there is much memory that is missing or only found in pieces.  Also it is much more emotional and i keep wanting to go into "thesis" or "Scientific observation" mode, rather than writing a story full of emotion and people.
I am determined to do this, no matter how long it takes.
My writing group has taken a holiday for the Christmas season and they have been helpful, so i continue this struggle alone for a time.

Does this every happen to you

Some one asks;
"How old are you?"
You are stumped,
stymied for a moment.
It is not that you do not know the number,
not that you do not know the year you were born,
nor is it because you can not do the math quickly,
but rather that you are mistified.
Bemused because the number that comes out of your mouth,
simply does not match how you feel.
The feeling is not physical,
it is not mental,
it is from deep in your heart.
How could i have so many years,
have so much experience
and be as old as i am?
For some reason i feel this often.

it doesn't seem to matter

Struggling at the beginning of this month,
with the loss of family,
knowing that a cousin on another continent,
speaks more to me than those only a few hundred miles away.
Missing my mom,
missing my dad.
The season started bleak and
thinking of the cold, dreary, weary days of winter to come,
left my heart in grayness.
My sugar was high last night,
through my doings and
this morning,
but none of it seems to matter,
For no reason at all,
I woke up rejoicing.
Happy to be alive,
happy with my extended family,
who are close,
happy with this season.
For no real reason,
the grayness is gone
and joy is present!
Peace to all who may be troubled.

Satisfaction - an introduction

This concept has been rattling around my brain for a bit, but is incomplete and so it will be a multi-part series and I do not know the ending, for that has not happened yet.

I had no conscious goal in life, no list of things I wanted to accomplish, no list of things I wanted to do.  So here is the beginning of confusion, but also the answer for it all.  I believe, in all things, I have been guided by my heart.  Saying that seems strange for someone so immersed in the sciences, yet indeed that was my guide.

I had desires and thoughts and fantasies, so my path was not always clear and the ride that is this life was very, very bumpy, often.

Some where it is written that the heart is deceitful and I suppose that is why my road has been so unusual, yet I would not trade one moment of this life.  To define that I wanted, love and comfort and family would be simple and it was those desires that brought me to a Spiritual life in a small Christian community.  This brought me satisfaction in serving my fellow man, especially those who did not have much.  My seemingly natural ability for math and the sciences, particularly chemistry, brought me to my work, which turned into more than I could ever have imagined.

So I have two paths, so it would seem, coming from my heart and both paths lead to the same place, joy.

hate begets hate, love begets love (King James English)

My heart has been troubled,
for a long time now.
i see the divid getting worse,
those who hate
and those who do not.
All are being drawn to that hate side,
whether through fear
or anger that is not reconciled
or intent of malice,
of harm and hurt.
There will be debates,
again.
there will be calls for action,
again.
The true enemy has not been called out
and so it will happen again
and again
and again.
I dislike seeing the 2 divides so clearly,
yet i recognize that each lives in each of us
and it is up to us to chose,
not daily,
but every moment of every day.
How?
We must love,
even when there is hate.
Standing up to the many forms of murder that live in our own hearts.