persons in my life

Those feelings,
come in waves,
they are not emotions,
i am sensing other things,
i do not know.
It is time to move on,
they were apart of me here and now
and they will be apart at another time,
but not anymore.
It is no one who has a blame,
it is how this life works
with death being the final good bye
...or is it?
almost hand in hand with love,
love does not die,
you did not know that?
Here it is corrupted and twisted,
but there,
it does not die.
you have patterns,
so do i.
Are they helpful
or not?
connection remain,
but you do not know.
you walk away and try to turn back,
you want to turn back,
but something interferes.
You and i do not understand,
but we must move on.
It is okay,
we will see each other again.
My mother strokes the back of my head again.

clearing cobwebs

Te problem with cobwebs is that they stick to your face,
to what you clean them with.
They try to hold on and make a mess.

Ah, but i digress.
it is all about hope.
What, you do not understand?

The dashed hope leaves behind a residual,
the cobwebs.
Maybe it could not be,
but it brought forth hope
and when hope was was realized,
it brought forth disappointment,
yes, THOSE cob webs.
The problem is they effect everyone else around,
sticking to them and creating problems.
I still have hope
and i try to clean my cobwebs.

It is the very presence of the cob webs that tell me i still have hope and have not despaired.

peace

I was given the opportunity to remember some one special yesterday.
The person was not a lover, tho she could have been.
She was not an angel, but she should have been.
This person came into my life after many futile attempts at dating after my first true love past away.
I had tried to "go Out", but everyone had their agendas and goals and I was not significant.
She had goals and I was not part of them, but she stopped, showed me kindness and revived my heart.
If only for a little while.
We parted friends and she showed me nothing but kindness.
If I see her on the street walking, it is a good thing.
I have still another kind person in my life once again and she also reminds me of this person.
Our goals do not match, but she has taken time to be kind to me and bring me into her life for a while.
It is nice...
And it brings peace.

Where do we go from here

Yes that is the title to one of my favorite "Buffy" tunes and it relates in several ways, just as my dreams, which are not clear relate.
The dreams are of struggles,
none are clear,
none seem decisive.
They are in different places and events with different people,
none of whom i know.
Going back to work was a struggle. In once sense i used to breezy in and out of the lab like a phantom, knowing exactly what needed to be done and when and for what purpose. The computer was my toy, that everyone respected and wanted info from, but almost no one would try to get for themselves. People called for general information and received far more than they expected. The last couple of things remain the same, the computer had dust and I had several requests for info last week. The phone rang a few times for info on water and my knowledge has not left me.
As part of my struggle, i had decided to tackle the hardest thing to do in the lab last week, making a cadmium reduction column. I know that means nothing to you guys, but it is a half hollow glass tube filled with activated cadmium that allows me to perform a nitrate-nitrogen test. The column had dried up and oxidized in my absence and taking out the cadmium, reactivating it and filling the tube is not an easy task and yes, I always tackle the hardest thing as first.
There will be media to make, but even the tubed media complexity pales in comparison to this, there is just more of it so it takes longer.
I also struggle with the walk, not because it is hard, but it brings me by the place of work of the lady who dumped me last August. It is not going by where she works that bathers me, it is that I do not want to see her and her syrupy sweet smile (do we call it a saccharin smile?) at this point during another struggle. I simply do not need that deception around me.
Then there is poor David, who worked maybe 5 too many hours last month. Part was my fault cause i had his hourly rate wrong, part because he is getting direct deposit, the pay stubs just were not that important and i did not get them till last night. Most of my projected times were wrong (he got called in too much) and of course i worry that there will be consequences for going over his allotted income and lose his medical benefits.
Of course there has to be still one more thing, one of my long time friends is becoming more affectionate and i do not want to endanger the friendship, it is too precious. So i must step clearly and carefully, because it would be nice to have a friendship and something more, but i do not want something more at the cost of a friendship.
Those are my struggles at this time. We shall see.