traveling back

I finished one book, my memoirs of work and now wait a publisher to like it,
but i am on another journey now and it is more difficult.
I did not think it would be, but recounting "my survival" of the operation of the brain tumor that was against my brain stem has been difficult.
It is difficult because i must go back to re-read my blog entries at the time and there is much trauma.
I have put much of it out of my hear, as if that is difficult to do.
I have noticed gaps in memory, holes I call them.
It is not short term memory loss, that tests very good, it is the collective view of thing over days and weeks and months.
I want to fill the two years that vanished after the problems in the aftermath of the operation, but i can not, so i write about it.
I remember labeling my recovery as "the adventure", it still is.
i wish the problems were all gone, but they are not
and so i write and give meaning to what is my suffering and find peace.

today the weather brought me home

I stepped outside
and it was coolish,
as it often is in New England,
but not like normal for this time of the year.
Late Spring,
mid-may,
in New England it is still cold,
not cool.
It was also damp and humid
and not in an unpleasant way
and i was transported back to another place and time.
I was so young then
and the dew berries were ripe,
those luscious kernels of black sweetness.
I would so out as a youngster
and dare i say it?
Yes, i would go out even as a teen,
the thought of that fruit would draw me,
even when there were more important things to do.
There was always humidity and it was not cool,
for this was the south,
neither the heat,
nor the humidity ever bothered me.
So for but a brief instant i was brought back home
and i smiled a deep rich smile that came from the depth of my heart,
from long ago ...
and far away.

more connections

Yesterday was the memorial service for Art Glowka.
I will miss him.
He was a good friend..
He was 82 and it seems i end up with special bonds with these kinds of persons.
His ashes were scattered in Long island Sound in a simple ceremony that was well attended.

In the midst of this i find myself melancholy,

for connections between one to another are too strong to let go.

Others who have been in my life and now have gone on.

Each deeply special to my heart, 

but now are not here.

A litany of names,

but they were not just names,

they were persons...

with hearts and minds and character.

With each i have learned much,

enjoyed much

and suffered much...

WITH THEM!

Again the lesson is that we are all connected to each other.

It is a good thing.

If we do not remember this,

we will not have peace.

time to remember

my themes have seemed to be stuck,
but this is important,
for the the next few weeks the memories are good, but hard.
My Dad has been coming to me in dreams,
helping me with "projects".
I believe this, but his birthday was on the 18th.
My mom passed, now 2 years ago, on the 26th.
I am torn, because the memories are good,
but i miss the separation.
I would that i was with them.
This confuses some of my closes friends,
who are like brother and sisters and daughters,
but it stands in my heart nevertheless.
The time will pass
and the world will continue to turn
and i will go one...
remembering that which is good.

Dreams of remembrance and love

Today,

while continuing a project of cleaning and clearing,

I came upon a painting.

this was a painting that i had done

and given to one that is now passed.

It came back to me,

with memories that are strong and heart felt.
The places was a quiet seashore in Maryland,

in the early morning.

A placed her grandfather and i had visited.

A place that reflected peace,

which is what she wanted ,

before she passed.

So strong these feeling that hang to a simple painting
Love that some so easily trow around,
love that is strongerthan eath.
Love that is never reserved for just one other person.
It is strong!

the photos

These pictures are from 1961 at Galveston Bay, Texas

For those who have asked

or wondered,

these pictures that i have posted have been wonderful for me.

I can easily follow my Dad's life from just before he came to this country

and my mom's from when she was a little girl.

Then there all these photos of the things we did...

I have not scratched the surface and more will be posted,

as time allows.

This has been a wonderful part of it all...

This was my Mom and Dad in Colorado with friends enjoying themselves...

i know most of the years

remembering

My Dad did not serve in the US military, but was
1) working for British intelligence before we were involved
2) Part of the French underground
3) Flew with the free French air force
4) Trained US pilots at the end of the war.
He was still a veteran, tho not a US vet.
He became a US citizen after WWII.
So i remember him well on this day.

Tumbling

I have had the great attitude,
but some where in the back of my mind,
I knew, i just knew, that there would be some darkness.
Why?  i do not know,
What set it off?
A myriad of little things.
They add up.
Last year, my mom began to get sick and
 i found myself taking care of her thebest i could.
My birthday and Christmas were kind of forgotten in the need that she had.
But thta was only a piece...some one elses bad mood.
Some one else not available.
Some one else who does not remember.
Not truely significant, each one,
but together they amounted to something that was dark.
and i fid myself groping for light.
The morning will come
and i will be okay,
but for this moment, it isdark.

October time

Outside it is beginning to look like Halloween
and Harvest time.
Of the two,
I prefer the latter,
the joys of sharing,
what has been a bountiful year,
of vegetables and fruits and herbs.
I am reminded often,
it was only two years ago,
that I came out of the hospital,
still traumatized from the operation,
still wondering if i would live,
still defiant of anything less than a full life!