in sickness

some who follow me on Facebook now know i had a bout with minor food poisoning,
Camplybacter was my diagnosis, though the source was under cooked egg.
Yet the duration shows i was correct (3 days).
Now for the part no one wants to know, when eating,
i take risks.  I am aware of the risks, but take them anyway.
Consequences such as being sick for 3 days is the by product.
My risk?
I ordered eggs sunny side up...i was thinking of my dad when i  did that,
but the place we were at was down 2 cooks (not known to me at the time or else i would not have ordered them that way) and i saw that the white was not cooked completely, but because we were in a rush and it took and hour to get the meal, i did not complain or send it back.
For most people, getting sick is not because of risk, it is because of poor food handling practice and they do not deserve it.
It could have been much worse because what i should have gotten was salmonella
and i would have been sick for New Years also.
So this is the introduction, now to the meat of this post.
It has been said that men are babies and want to be taken care of when they get sick.
I have seen it true in many cases, i am not one of them...
I want to be left alone,
i do not want to spread my sickness,
I do not want anyone to take care of me,
i do not want others to clean up after me.
That was not the case when i was in the Hospital for 2 months after the brain tumor removal,
i had to learn to let others take care of me
and it was a hard lesson.
Would i let some one take care of me?
Yes, the lesson is ingrained in my heart, i am not that haughty,
but truly only if it is really needed or they really want to.

Switching my mind

There always 2 paths,
often called right and wrong,
but i prefer to call them light and dark.
We approach things that are maybe difficult
and we have a choice.
So easy to go down that dark path,
so easy to become that darkness we do not like.
Yet the other way is actually easier,
cleaner,
fresher.
Yes i miss many people who are no longer here,
but i had so much fun with them!
How many people forget to have fun in the moment?
We did not
and now those memories warm my heart and
they chase darkness away!
How wonderful is that.
Thinking of all the things i have done
and all the joy that i have had,
brings it to now.
Merry Christmas to all
and have a bright day!

How is this for festive?

Christmas time for me

it is that time of year
and the memories i have are full of fun and joy,
but my mood turns dark as i remember most of those people with whom i had such fun,
are no longer in this world
and the persons who are here are in titanic struggles
which make joy a luxury.
This is sadness to me
for i have loved the Christmas message
and the joy it brings.
So i will go away for this Christmas time
and seek quiet and find my joy there.

all i want for Christmas

Is a bit of time
with each one of you.
Doing something of love,
not of activity.
A bit of cooking together,
a bit of drinking something special together,
a bit of going some place that we love...together.
No things,
no money,
no shopping,
just time to do something with each one who is near and dear to my heart.
Something not of the current life,
that is in turmoil,
but of love.
That is all i want.

come into my world

the side of my brain which describes things
and sees things,
well; differently
is active.
I can describe that dark side of my life,
the one i struggle with daily,
more accurately.
Come into my world,
it is not a pretty site,
The vision which i so lovingly call my "special site"
starts me in morning wondering where my glasses are,
I place them in a routine spot,
yet it is new daily.
Dressing without the glasses is necessary.
two of everything, everywhere,
overlapping and confusing,
but if i have the glasses on,
tilting them,
while putting on a shirt,
is still more contorted.
The need for quiet,
is extreme,
except for some background music which helps me to focus.
today, everyone is home
and so there is not enough quiet.
I understand David now,
very well.
He has been doing this all of his life.
The lack of oxygen at birth caused damage
and each day he repeats a rediscovery of how to do things.
He and i need patterns,
it helps, but we reach the same place each day differently.
Dark, light are both challenges.
The dark at night speckled with lines of bright light,
that i know from memory are points,
but my glasses and head,
are now lines streaking across darkness.
Bright light,
the sun.
Washing everything
and even with the light sensitive tinting in my glasses,
i see less.
Indirect light, thru the clouds is best.
And now it is cold.
Walking down the stairs
or up them,
each time i feel a chance,
that i might fall.
turning my head,
the world spins.
focusing on one object to keep myself up,
makes me miss that at my feet
and i still stumble and fall.
seeing things where they are not
and then grasping for them,
is a comedy of errors.
Typing is incredibly difficult,
for i never learned it properly,
but use my eyes.
Spell check helps a lot.
Getting up can cause a head rush
and i am not here for a moment.
That is not so bad.
Then the cough,
which comes for no reason at all,
causing me to lose my bearings yet once again.
I get to watch people scurrying about,
they forget what is important,
they do not even know they are struggling,
yet i see it,
i am so aware of each of my struggles
that it lets me see more beauty.
Yes you heard me correctly
or rather read me.
Struggles are good for us,
they let us see the beauty that is around us.
And so i struggle daily
and see beauty even more.

deceptive appearances

we think we know,
but e don't.
Something
or someone
looks to be one thing,
but it or they are not.
The most common is something like the wolf in sheep's clothing.
But there are more common others...
the snow that seems so beautiful
contains hazards of falling and cold.
I and another member of the house
deal with something else...
we seem "okay",
but that is such a relative term.
Neither of us are.
Dave, presents so well,
he is gracious and kind,
but has significant impairment,
but people think he is faking.
So many thing i used to be able to do,
but outwardly,
it does not look like i have changed,
yet i have.
So many things i can no longer do...
I am vulnerable,
fearful
and to trust some one with my life,
is what i must do.
To often there is over compensation'and under compensation
for what i can and can not do.
People do not realize the effort i must put forth just to do.
To walk,
to get around,
to put things in order,
to not be tired,
but i do.

a cold snowy day

but our road was just plowed!
It is warm inside and
 i am cooking!
Going to bake some of my cookies today -
the fun, simple Greek ones (Kouludia, Kourambiethes).
There is a contest going,
but i can see i won't win because most of those who have tried my cookies are not voting,
sigh.
They are not sweet, but have powdered sugar on them,
so it kind of looks like today!

The recipe is here - enjoy!

if you want to get to know me - read the entire post

in this space,
i have taken the time to share,
 all the different things that go on with
all the different struggles i have,
the pain,
the joy,
new directions,
passion and
all my emotions,
but who i am is not defined by these things or events.
There is deep history in my life,
some 38 years of history
and that is the community i am a part of.
In some sense it is small,
but there have been great things done anyway.
Out of a Episcopal community church in Houston, Texas,
The Church of the redeemer.
The church is no more,
but the community is in many places across the world.
Our little portion came to Stamford, CT.
Our base was Christianity,
but we have never been closed to be around any faith,
and yes there have been atheist who worked with us at times.
We chose an unusual path;
to be completely part of wherever we lived.
We did not separate ourselves as so many "orders" do,
we remain fully part of everyday life around us.
This is not the easy road and it creates the struggles you read about here.
We were best known as "The community at St. Luke in Stamford, CT".
Our distinction was and ornate small silver cross we wore,
based on the caricature of St. Luke's symbol.
while we helped run  an emergence shelter,
a food co-op,
an after school program,
a clothing exchange,
a feeding program,
a counseling center
and a summer camp.
We lived with the people who we "ministered to",
 there was do distinction except that little cross.
We were under the Episcopal church
and had the distinction of being the "true inner city church",
 according to Desmond Tutu , when he visited Connecticut in the 1980's.
We lived and worked there for 7 years before moving on,
Still in Stamford, but in a different place, many times having the mentally handicapped live with us.
My commitment to my community is more real than any vow taken.
We take care of each other, though many times i wish there were more to us.
We look to be part of the struggles of those around us.
It is not easy,
it is a life of service
and sometimes,
just sometimes,
bright lights shine to us and give us hope.

service

i go to a small downtown church regularly,
it is comfortable for me,
as they are Anglican/Episcopal and are welcoming to other faiths.
I happen to have been raised Greek Orthodox
and so the incense and service are always familiar to me.
Today, during the sermon,
the priest cried,
he was speaking from his heart.
The one thing i dislike is that i am not joined by others in my household.
i have always felt that church should be a shared experience,
but this life, as it is,
takes time away from them
and it becomes difficult for them to stop for an hour.
i do not have that luxury,
i have to go.
Maybe it means i am an old man...
you know the joke?
old people go more often to church because they are cramming for the final exam...
but i enjoy it and always have...
it is not that a single day that is important,
they all are and for me,
they all should be lived as if it were Sunday,
some how respecting God and man.
That has been my day so far,
it is a good day.