cold morning

i woke up to the cold this morning,
yes, it is Autumn.
The leaves will soon turn to brightly colored flowers,
each one,
but there is sadness,
"Things" encroach on my mind,
yet they are not the source.
I make my way down to my exercise bike
and there is the source,
staring me in the face.
The remainder of pictures and memorabilia,
that i have not been able yet to sort.
The truth?
I still miss my mom
and i do not find that strange.

mixed messages

Deep in thought,

of calculations and of scheming

and of Figuring things out;

a gentle cool breeze 

washes over my face

and brings me to another place.

Cool,

not cold

and so it captures my attention

and i rush to capture the moment on this typed screen.

How to explain the subtle changes,

from the working,

grasping mind

to one that flows?

I begin to feel,

not only the breeze,

but the colors of the leaves,

as they begin to turn.

The clear sky

and the sun beginning to rise.

A bee flitting past in search of the last drops of nectar,

from flowers still in bloom.

Those "things" i thought of earlier,

they still exist,

but not in the the cold hard form of equations,

but in gentle nudges of how to continue on.

The Forsythia shows the mixed message best,

the leaves beginning to turn,

yet a yellow flower of spring attached.

I do love Autumn,

for to enjoy it,

 one must not think of the summer that was past,

nor of the Winter that still is yet to come.

darkness

the darkness surrounds us,
yet i am unafraid.
An Angel is up in the tress,
looking down.
I see her (?)
and the angel comes down.
I ask, "where is God?",
demanding,
not pleading.
The angel answers, "He is here.".
I look around
and see the mornings dawn beginning to break,
but not only from the East,
but from everywhere.
"Oh!"
and i begin to laugh!

sorting it out

It has been a busy few weeks,
a new physical therapy seemed to offer more,
but it only answer one simple problem.
I am not really awake yet,
my mind full of clouds
and my housemate starts yammering,
about things i can not comprehend.
i manage not to be irritated,
but i know that can happen.
I do not know when is a good time to talk to me.
"Things" on my mind;
i  can handle them in one of two ways.
So far, i am holding on to the better way,
but barely.
Remembering, helps.
when i first came out of the hospital from "that" operation,
almost 6 years ago,
I did not know
and i was frightened.
I felt an assurance,
not of being restored and healed physically,
but that some how,
everything would be for the best
and God would be glorified.
That is important,
even more now.
I do not know how people with out faith live in this troubled world,
there is so much that seems wrong.
Yet i am assured that our time here is very short,
we just do not see it
and our time after in infinite,
that comforts me.
Little things assure me;
a flower,
a tree,
a smile.
these are the good things,
i will dwell on them.

mixed feelings

Yesterday morning,
brought back clear memories of the past.
The crisp, sunny morning brought me to places,
from a long time ago.
The air smelled of mountain freshness,
tho we are in a city
and i could only remember the times with my parents,
in the New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana mountains,
next to a rushing stream.
It was fresh and chilly then also,
but it was July or even August when we were there.
A fresh caught fish for breakfast,
a nearby lake,

lake in the mountains

but how long ago?
It seems ages...
A shiver brings me back to reality,
it is cold to me now
and the crisp air and my shiver,
makes me remember that winter is coming,
a season i dislike.
For me winter is cold,
i said that already,
and harsh
and i must live indoors to keep my self warm.
Bright memories have turned to foreboding,
forgetting the past
and forgetting that between now and winter,
is my favorite season,
Autumn with all its bright,
shinning colors.
Mix feeling indeed!

Garden visitor

At this moment,

the garden is full of flowers,

but from the herbs i have,

not from the flowering plants.

They are not as "pretty" as the others,

but apparently,

delicious.

Someone i had not seen before,

visited

and enjoyed an afternoon snack.

He (she?) was feasting on the cinnamon basil in full flower!

I think this mosquito hawk,

everyone else knows them as dragonflies,

but the eat quite a few time their weight in mosquitoes

and because of them,

i have not been bitten once!

failed Dreams

I have felt that i have been complaining too much,

that my heart is not settled in the things that have happened

and so,

I explore my heart.

I am surprised by what i find,

for there are a long series of failed dreams,

from the very big,

to the very simple.

There is nothing wrong with dreams not coming to pass.

There is something wrong with holding on to them.

I did enumerate them in my heart,

but they are too many to write down.

To hold on to something that is not possible,

is to become morose,

sulking,

complaining

and even to a level of comatose.

To allow then to go is freeing,

allowing joy 

and the possibility of new dreams.

I choose the later.