cold morning

i woke up to the cold this morning,
yes, it is Autumn.
The leaves will soon turn to brightly colored flowers,
each one,
but there is sadness,
"Things" encroach on my mind,
yet they are not the source.
I make my way down to my exercise bike
and there is the source,
staring me in the face.
The remainder of pictures and memorabilia,
that i have not been able yet to sort.
The truth?
I still miss my mom
and i do not find that strange.

more to it

3 years now...

the last time i saw her here,
but there is not so much a pain of missing,
rather a joy of remembrance.
Is this the way it is?
Is this the way of all things?
My mom loved Christmas
and never took down all the decorations.
Since then, neither have i...

Small Christmas tree always up

Joy, 

seeing, 

reflecting, 

more joy.

I could not have know it would come,

it never felt that it would,

there was only missing her...

It has changed now

and i do miss her,

but there is joy in the memory.

How wonderful.

snowy day

It is white
and it is cold.
That white stuff keeps coming down
and i feel off course.
No only me,
but the whole world;
those near and far,
tumbling out of control.
Illness did not help.
The snow either,
but the cold,
this is the worse.
It reaches deep,
chilling my very banes,
yet in the house i am warm and dry.
No pictures of this,
though to the eyes,
this blanket of white seems pretty.
How easily are the eyes fooled!
It has now been a year since i retired.
Retired, sounds like i went to sleep!
No, that is not to be
and my life,
even in this cold blanket of white,
is busy.
I want to do still more
and that is the crux of the problem,
because i can not.
I am limited,
but not for trying.
It seems strange that there are some things that still stop me,
cold, so as to speak,
my heart tries, but can not forge ahead.
a little bit at a time
and then i must stop
or my heart would break in two.
Continuing
and then stopping.
The cold is not my friend.

yeah, some times i go there, but i am over it

Source discovered,
perhaps i should be more aware,
but i am not.
It is only the second year,
after all
and this was my mom's season.
Every year this is the time we would spend lots of time together,
celebrate and doing things.
Yes, i still miss all of it,
especially her.
Discovering the source is good,
it helped clear my heart for more important things...
like living and enjoying life!

so much that has gone on

I did not realize...
i had to look it up...
It is 2 years since i last saw my mom.
Okay a bit under,
but this was my last trip to see her...
before,
before she left
and went where i can not go yet.
My time will come.
I wondered why,
I felt the way i did,
I thought 3 years at least,
maybe 4,
but no,
it was 2011 that she passed on.
I guess i hold on to things
and so time becomes meaningless.
I don't forget her
and the memories are very good,
but the book is unfinished.
So i guess i will wait for my time,
so that then we can finish that book together!

i was given a flower today

for Valentines day,

but it was not any one who is here

for they used something no person could have done.

a flower bloom,

many times for Christmas

and now once for Valentines day.

I know who did this,

but they are not here,

for me to touch or reach back.

Yet they are here,

always.

i really was not expecting this, not at this time

Thanksgiving was not my time to spend with my mom,
i wanted her to spend it with her once removed family
and i told her often.
It was Christmas and her birthday that we spent together
and those are not due yet.
It has been a year and a half
and yes i still miss her,
but it was not suppose to hit so hard during Thanksgiving!
I became melancholy, sad, upset and depressed
and i could not fathom why.
I told those closest to me (who i consider like brothers and sisters),
that i felt alone
and they felt left out.
I did not want to be "here" any more
but i did not know why.
I spoke and they dragged it out of me,
from a place that i was not expecting, not at Thanksgiving time.
Yes, i still miss my mom.
She came to me during waking hours and rub that spot where the operation was,
as she did those times 4 years ago,
when my head was swollen and sore,
and i was fine.
It will probably happen again,
but for now,
i am fine.

two mothers

one at that "twilight" place between life and death,
the other passed for a yeaar and a half...
David, who mother has been in  a severe Alzhimer's state for 5 years,
not recognizing anyone of her children for those 5 years,
suddenly recognizes David's voice over the phone and calls his name.
He Cried that deep sob, that only comes from that deep place of the soul of missing someone.
He will be traveling to see her, perhaps one last time tomorrow.
Last night in a strange dream,
where i was walking in Stamford and had to make a turn because of the crowds,
found my self in my home town of houston, Texas, in front of my old house.
What a strange site it was, coered in snow,
with a bunch of old cars in the drive.
My mom came and said, no one else likes it this way, but i do.
Then; "I have a plan for getting rid of these cars, it is all written down."
I woke, realizing how much i miss her and it took an hor and a half to fall asleep again.
two mothers, giving their sons a gift, still.

facing mothers day without my mom

this is the second year,
last year was a blur
and no longer in my memory...
it was not pleasant,
but this year i am taking a different approach
for there are other mother who are out there
who are looking after me
in heart and spirit
and so i acknowldge each of them today.
For Marie, mother of one and community member
who has been there with me in all my trials for almost 38 years.
For Margarita, mother of three, co-worker,
who has offered me wisdom and emotional support for 26 years.
For irene, mothere of one, co-worker and friend,
who has distracted me with laughter and companionship for 19 years.
For Jenny, mother of 4 and co-worker,
who has managed to find time to check up on me to make sure i was okay for 10 years.
For Zakiry, mother of 2 and nieghbor,
who is just there with her children sharing stories and coffee for 3 years.
This is an acknowledgement of mothers, who are not mine, but have made my life better.

Good Friday

Easter for most of the western world will be on Sunday, but not yet for us "Orthodox" Christians. 
The difference is all about the moon phase and changing calanders, but it is not a big deal - at this time i celebrate this one, with a smaller celebration next week.
I think it is good to bring to rememberance all that has past, in church history and in my own life, so this is a difficult time because i am remembeering times and things from last year when i could barely think.
Some one sad to me the pain never passes, it just suck at little bit less each daay.
There is truth to that, people pass on and so we no longer see them here, but they are always present in our hearts and our actions.
I have decided today will be a day where i go through more "stuff" of my mom's.
Pictures will bring back memories and memories are not bad, but very good.
So it really is a good Friday.

Turning around and Embracing that which we run from

I simply have no other way to describe it...
we run from thigs that are painful,
but the only way through them is to turn around
and yes embrace that which would hurt us.
They lose their power.
they become something good
or the good in them is now apparent.
There is no more to say...

An Anniversary

She loved our dinners!

She was funny in the cold and that is what i want to remember

But not one i want to celebrate,
for the day i will truely remember my mom,
is the date of her birth,
not the date she left,
but it now has been a year
and so much has happened
and not happened.
Life goes on,
 but i have her in my heart

and will not forget.

returned

not really sure of the day,
a bit dazed from the late night/early morning train ride home
with a companion who could not sleep and talked.
woken to early by the  "girls" who stay over while i was away.
Awash still in the memonries of

photos

so many photos

and paintings

so many paintings

and
other "things"
that i had to review.
They cling to me like a robe and caress my face.
So much beauty,
so many memoriess....

inspiration

I have taken the next few days off to bake.
It is here i am fluent (tho suspect i can't spell) Greek.
On my list is
baklava,
Kourambiethes,
karidopida,
Koulourakia.
I was able to make these only after the operation!
But my inspiration was/is my mom,
she, the old Greek baker, told me my baklava was the best she had eaten.
Since others said the same, it was not just the mother being proud of her son.

visitations

Most of my flowers are salmon colored
 (okay by most i mean, impatience. christmas cactus and Hybiscus),
As shown below,

But suddenly, there is red appearing...


My mom's favorite color was read...
I think she's hanging around...

its nice

Mom's Minis

Texas Farm

Colorado?

Hill Country Texas - Canyon Lake

Canyon Lake with bluebonnets

Cayon Lake with more blue bonnets



Colorado Ranch

Galveston - Winter time

Galveston Summer

The following are "minis" painted by my mom - they prove she was a much better artisit than i, they are all less than 4" x 6"



Still life - Early (1970's)

what set this off

My mom's parents (my grandparents)

my friends were not surprised by what i felt yesterday,
they expected it.
Packages (or rather boxes) had arrived the other day from Virginia...
yes, my mom's stuff,
more to go through.
Three boxes were easy.
The fourth hard,
the fifth, impossible.
Pictures and photos and things.
some brought back memories,
some i had never seen and i was in awe.
I will work my way slowly through those last two boxes
and then i will share.
It is after all, still the first year
and the first year without her.

following me

There is no way to really describe this post...
Yea, my mom has been around,
as best as she can now.
At work there was suddenly a scent that was unmistakably her,
but you all know she passed the March.
The scent was unmistakable...
a bit of lipstick,
a bit of perfume,
a bit of a soap she used.
I have neveer smelled it any where else,
but on her...
and so she was around a bit after my birthday,
jsut watching over me....

A story is in order

Mom

The dark skies
And the snow piled up,
Leaving me dark and grey.
The struggles with for my mom,
Came in rolling waves.
Some where, amidst confusion, there was truth.
No, she has not died,
yet,
But she will.
She continues on now as she has all of her life
And so a story is in order.

She was born of 2 Greek immigrants in Norfolk, Virginia,
So many years ago, I can not fathom, 1922.
Her mother dies when she was 11.
This left her and her brother and sister in the care of an aunt.
There is a story of her,
that she did not know where her mother was,
no one told her that her mother was dead,
Until the funeral.
They brought her in,
to see her mom,
laid out for a burial.
She cried out “Mommy!”, but they hushed her.
What did that do to her, I can not imagine,
But at 16, she got a pilots license, she was still in high school.
A Greek woman doing this? 
Unheard of!
At 17, she went with other girlfriends to New York City, to see the Worlds fair,
Basically unchaperoned. 
That was 1939, for those who are counting.
She went and got a nursing degree and moved to Washington DC.
She visited Cyprus in 1949, for 3 months.
She lived with 3 other girls in DC and while we would not call them wild by our standards,
They knew how to take care of themselves.
She met my dad, who was working at a jewelry shop.
They got married and moved to Houston Texas in 1953.
I was born in 1954 and it did not change too much,
But somewhere she decided she needed to get a drivers license.
A woman who could fly, but not drive makes me shake my head.
Somewhere, during my college years, a passion for painting was reawakened.
Reawakened because she produced beautiful sculptures in high school.
She painted, mostly in oils,
But was not afraid of any media, sculpture or paint.
She was well known in South Texas, she was commissioned and sold many
And she was very good at something I am not, portraits.
When I left for the wilds of Connecticut
And my dad retired,
They moved to Colorado.
When my dad passed,
She continued to live, alone, taking care of herself in Colorado for a time.
I could not convince her to move back to me,
but did manage to get her to move to Virginia.
There she was with the rest of her family.
Oh, I did not tell you that when her father came over, he opened at small grocery store
And was very well off.
He brought over many, many relatives from Cyprus
And so if you are in Virginia Beach or Norfolk
and you run into a person of Greek decent, they are probably related to me.
Headstrong, able to make her own way, willful, these are all traits that allowed my mom to survive and to live,
Why should I expect it to be any different now?
Stage 4 COPD, I was told. The source was probably smoking as a young adult.
She quit long ago, but there was damage.
I will be down there very shortly
And will not be posting for a bit.

Going through stuff...

Quite litterly.
I brought back a huge box full of "paper work" from the storage facility on a recent trip to Virginia.
The storage room overwhelmed me, so much stuff and then i got a huge bax of stuff to go through when i came back home.
I was looking for something specific, but found trash and treasure and something which would end up helping me with what i was looking for.
My mom never threw anything out, so there were reciepts from Golden Corral from 1997.
Then there was here Red Cross First Aid certification card from 1947.
Then there was a photo copy of the Ellis Island record from when my Grandmother (who i never met) came to the US.
Everything was overwhelming and difficult.
So i have been going through stuff and finding much treasure.