choices in the struggle

when things do not go the way you hope.
when they ways seem cloudy and misdirected.
when there is pain and suffering.
We have choices,
For we can become bitter,
angry,
complaining of all that is happening.
I have known many people with whom this has happened
and their life is dark and full of hate.
Then there is the other way, no matter how bad it seems,
to believe there is more,
that thee is another chapter to be written.
That what ever has happened is not an end
and we find that which is beautiful in the midst of trouble.
I choose the latter,
for i believe it is a choice,
that no matter what,
we choose between dark and light.

As you may surmise, there are still problems with my eyes and the new glasses
and the doubleness and pain are still there,
but i won't complain,
there is more to come
and i wait with anticipation for the dawn.

still tough

Day three...
as the day wears on,
the reading glasses are tougher to use.
Then suddenly things are clear....
optimum distance is now about 10 inches,
up from 8,
which is still up from 4 at the beginning.
My retirement may be interrupted by a quick training time at the lab....
me training them.
I promised to do it, but it is not easy to think about it.
Mean while some new posts on cooking will be happening

getting used to it

the new glasses came
and the "seeing" curve is great,
so great that i worry that they got it wrong,
but then clarity sets in
and i know it is just the eyes,
just the diplopia,
just my particular adventure.
Fear subsides,
i move on and begin to enjoy the beauty of this Spring...

first rose of the season

NE Phlox

bleeding hearts

Sage flowers

If you ever wish to be scared - look up the definition of Diplopia on Wikipedia...

my doctor says not to worry tho

and so i do not,

just do the best that i can.

learning curve

The new glasses arrived,
but associated with them is something i call the "vision curve.
A learning curve for the eyes, as it were.
for in their absence,
 i tried to make do,
but making do created a problem.
The pain,
the strain,
on my eyes was great,
and i knew there was deterioration.
The diplopia, the doubleness of my vision expanded.
My right eye would collapse, as it were
and move firmly toward my nose.
There is an immediate struggle,
but it is a good on
and i feel the healing returning.
Oh it will take time, maybe a week,
but i know it will return
because it the peak i could see up to 4 feet with these glasses
and not have doubleness.
At this moment,
it is only about 8 inches.
I will be fine,
i will be okay.

in pain

The lack of reading glasses have brought yet one more thing to my plate...
pain.
using the regular glasses too long wears me out,
i now know that using the other glasses for computer work was actually,,,
relaxing.
i have two options,
to rest,
close my eyes
and do nothing
or
take off my glasses ,
have too much input,
not be able to do much
and sit.
I do not know which is best,
but i must hang on for another week
and sometimes the pain in not barable

a "fail"?

yesterday was very difficult,
but it started with a normal routine.
A doctor visit to NY city,
meeting with the head trauma/vision specialist,
whom i have seen for the past 4 years.
Leaving the train at Grand Central,
I apparently dropped my reading glasses.
This i found out several minutes later.
My regular glasses do not help me at close distances (like computer work).
I get around some of that on the internet using [Ctrl +], which increases the size of everything.
The actual visit was very good
and showed still more improvement in the ability to "recover" when my eyes go double.
Then came the big test, the one to check for glaucoma,
Drops to check for pressure and then drops ti dilate the eyes.
I have done this many times,
for at the beginning of the visits, 4 years previous,
there was a diagnosis of possible glaucoma due to the size and shapes of the nerves in the eye.
Two years ago it was reduced to possible pre-glaucoma, because there was no variance in the nerve size and shape.
Yesterday, they removed even that level of diagnosis and declared the size and shape of the nerves as physiological,
not pathological and gave me a clean bill of health,
but the dilation effected me worse than ever and leaving the bright sun caused me much pain.
I was still in pain when i decided to check my "spare" reading glasses,
which promptly feel apart in my had, broken in several places.
I was at this point very upset, angry, hurting and feeling blinded.
I recovered after a nights sleep,
but if this was a test,
i did not do well.
Today i found answers that will take a week to occur, but i am fine with that.
A week and a head ache are all that is left from my trauma of yesterday.

more connections

Yesterday was the memorial service for Art Glowka.
I will miss him.
He was a good friend..
He was 82 and it seems i end up with special bonds with these kinds of persons.
His ashes were scattered in Long island Sound in a simple ceremony that was well attended.

In the midst of this i find myself melancholy,

for connections between one to another are too strong to let go.

Others who have been in my life and now have gone on.

Each deeply special to my heart, 

but now are not here.

A litany of names,

but they were not just names,

they were persons...

with hearts and minds and character.

With each i have learned much,

enjoyed much

and suffered much...

WITH THEM!

Again the lesson is that we are all connected to each other.

It is a good thing.

If we do not remember this,

we will not have peace.

i probably should not go here

But by know you know i will....
A discussion yesterday,
open,
frank,
clear,
but it was missing something.

It missed something i already knew,
already experienced
and knew to be true.
It still is a hunger in my heart to find once again.

There were no lies in all that you said,
but it settled for something less than i want,
something i had experienced before.
I did not let those relationships slip from my grasp,
they were taken,
without recourse,
but each remains extremely precious.

How does one explain a relationship that was so complete,
all at once.
It was not a unique occurence,
it happened twice
and my heart still hungers for the taste.

Persons who connect deep to the depths of the soul,
the emotions,
the activities are only secondary.
The pleasure is in being,
the joy in seeing.

How often can it occur?

the depth of meeting someone on the deepest level possible.
The joy of just being with them.

We are all deluded by one another,
games are played,
special times lost.
The physical and emotional drown out the important.

When i am in a right mind,,
there is no substitute.

sometimes

sometimes...
darkness seems to cloud my mind.
Sometimes...
the depths of despair seem to claw at my heart.
Where they come from...
i do not know,
for the sun is shinning
and the air is clean,
but they creep in like monsters seeking to devour my soul.
Freedom comes with a touch,
a word,
a breath,
a hug.
And it is not sometimes any more
and i see the sun shinning
and breath the clean air.

they are in my life

Persons,
flowing in and out of my mind,
like wraiths or
a hunger.
Those past and those present, but not before me,
invade my mind,
not as a malevolent force,
 but as one beckoning me...
saying, "remember me!  I am here!"
In conversation with others they come,
uncalled,
so i know that they are in my heart, my sol.
A piece of me
and so i i know their struggles and hopes intimately.
We have never been "one",
yet this is so much more intimate.
There is sweetness of knowing a person's heart and soul,
 that can not be replaced by anything else.
There is joy in knowing that you can touch them,
 when they are in trouble by doing the simplest things.
Yes we can be connected,
with bright lines of light shinning,
if we so choose.