dreams

my emotions run high,
this morning,
but i must have patience.
Chaos rules the morning,
as other housemates
and the dog also,
flit about,
creating vortexes and black holes.
It is not peaceful.
I,
I want to go back to my dream,
the one i woke up to this morning.
I was lead there by a younger me,
on a small bike
and the garage door opened
and my dad came home.
It has been twenty years,
since he passed,
but never before,
until this year,
have i felt his presence so strong.
Taller than i,
i looked up to him,
but never knew his approval until after,
when i found all those letters to his family,
about me.
Written in French,
I found i could read them,
tho I did not truly know the language.
He drove in to the drive in my favorite car,'a '55 Chevy
and in the back seat,
hanging part way out the window,
was my dog of many years,
at that address.
Clancy,
we called him.
In this dream,
he was but a pup.
then there were two other dogs,
from now.
One had passed,
one is still with me.
They were also pups.
I note from my mom told us she would be back soon.
My dad hugged me
and i woke up crying.
The tears were but sad,
because I missed him
and joyful,
for i felt loved.

Dreams

too many and i remember them all....
one at the doctors office,
talking about my new symptoms
and they simply say the symptoms are not enough to concern them
or be bother with....
I want to shout,
but it is a dream and i can not,
they bother me!
What is wrong with you?!
But the dreams fades and the next takes its place.
I am marring someone
and Bobby Flay is there and asking me:
"Are you sure you are ready. I mean you don't appear to be ready>"
I assure him I am and the marriage goes forward.
Interesting to say the least.

more dreams

I get them often,
long narrative, meaningful dreams.

I had another one last night.
Both my parent were busy preparing for me to take a trip,
a trip real soon.

The meaning is not lost on me,
neither does it worry me.
I live the best i can day by day.

The best part?
It was my dad who was doing most of the work and talking to me bout my up coming trip.

I liked that.

dreams of...

cooking for my family and friends,
of seeing the same, single image, with and with out my glasses,
Of sharing the secrets to long relationships that work...

This is all good
and they happened
and happen
all through last night.

Cooking has been a recurrent theme as of late,both for now and for the hereafter..

Taking of my glsses
and seeing the same, single image a 3 feet away...
that was a treat, especially since i had just expresed by doubts of such a thing ever happening.

And the thing about relationships -
oh for people who do not know,
it is always work,
there is constant forgiveness
and disscussions
and meeting the other in places we did not know.
and it goes back to cooking,
to know what a perso likes and serving it to them, even if it is not what i like...

it was all good.

The Dream

There was a war on and a large city was besieged.


When it fell, I found myself back o my old street, where I grew up.

I met the son of the king who was the victor, for the king had died in the battle.

I apparently, was the song of the other king, who had also died, but apparently not in battle.

The son and I talked and after a while we said to each other, we could have been friends, if it had not been for this war, for we had much in common.

I said, “We should still be friends.” And so it was.

I then find my self in the house where I grew up.

It was cluttered and a bit disheveled. Half of shoe of my dad’s was lying around.

I found myself on the front porch and there was a plant box, long dried out.

As I poured water on it, dust rose up as it does when the dirt is really dry.

There were dried up cactus in the box and I believed they would come back to life.

I was alone in the house, but it looked the same as when I was growing up.

Did not want to be alone in this house, but I was.

The divides

The lines between light and dark,
waking and sleeping,
Dream and reality,
are blurring!
It is hard for me to know what day it is
or what time it is.
The mange emaciated wolf lay dead at my feet.
I had killed him with my bare hands 
after he had tried to kill my duck and lamb and goose
and would not listen to reason.
They were okay, but I felt sorry for him.
This was but a dream.
She asked if I would marry her,
I quickly responded yes
and she said get a ring and laughed.
It was only in fun for she was my friend.
That was reality.
Mucho viento y mucho frio esta tarde!
There was much wind and it was cold this afternoon on my walk home,
That was reality.
She caressed my face and laughed softly,
smiling, holding me tightly,
so it seemed I had no breath left.
That was only a dream.
Day and times are confusing
and I no longer know
if i am in the dark or the light;
awake or asleep.

Games and dreams

For those of you who were curious about the opening of my last post and for those of you who have experienced "unwanted" attention on your own blogs, they are the same.
The difference?
I sadly have the ability (and yes, I did use some of that ability) to discover and uncover where abouts of unwanted attention.
A person from Sunnyvale, Ca came across too strong and I had a choice to make.
I decided that it did not matter as to the identity they wished hidden and they were not being nasty and I have the last say on this blog if they got so.
I could have played the games i used to and I probably still have ability to shut them down, but I do not want to play anymore.
They are not a bother and as long as they remain so, they can post.
This blog has been about my change and my recovery and part of it is that I do not want to play anymore, it just is not important.
For the people who I serve (i.e. the public) who really do have problems, that is important.
For the people who have become my friends and who live dealing with monstrous problems, they are important.
I had a fun dream last night which almost summed it up.
The location, California.
The place. my "home".
A person comes to the door dressed as a "mock" General Custer, asking for help because the General, in his words, "Was not dead."
I laughed, said "yes he is cause I killed him." I closed the door and continued to laugh, saying; "You got to love this place!"
It was a good dream.

Difficult Stuggling Dreams

Last night I had a series of them, I remember the last one.
I know that I have been having them for a number of days (weeks?).
I am in the lab doing something and there is a flurry of activity.
I must finish what I am doing.
A woman, who I do not know walks in demanding a copy of a report.
She is some one important.
The report brought down her Ex.
He was a Senator. He was driven out of office by the report.
She now wants an official copy so she can get money from him.
She is divorcing him.
The copy has a pen line through one result and a hand written values over it.
The typed line would not have been a problem. The written line is.
It does not look real, but it looks a bit like my hand writing.
It is something I would never do.
I demand to be able to finish my work.
My co-worker is not helping and is saying things to hinder me.
Other people come in the lab who have no business there.
They are gawking at the woman.
Some I know, some I don't.
One asks if i think she would be interested in him because she will have lots of money.
I look at him like he is crazy.
I finish what I was doing and go to my computer.
Only it has been disconnected with wires all over the place.
I try to start to put it together and a bunch of gaming disks fall out the back of the stand.
I claim someone is tampering with things.
I call IT.
End of dream.

The emotion of the dream is what is important, the struggles, the frustration, the feeling that nothing ends. That feeling is what has been reproduced in a number of other dreams (not in the Lab or at work) that i do not remember.
I no longer wonder why there is so much stress in my shoulders.