Thursday, September 30, 2010

a head code

It was something in did not seek.
It was something I did not invite.
It was something I did not want.
The crept into the house,
Quietly,
With great stealth,
Only a hacking cough.
I did not pursue it,
But I caught it anyway,
This lousy,
Stuffy,
Feverish, Head cold.
It always amazes me,
How something so small,
Can make me feel so bad.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Memories of Childhood - Dreams of Okra

Growing up, I liked many vegetables that other children would disdain,
Broccoli because they were little trees and brussel sprouts because they were baby cabbages.
There were foods i did not like and the top of the list was okra.
I only remember okra being presented to me as a slimy tasteless vegetable in some stewed tomatoes.
That was at home
and at school
and in restaurants.
I was forced to try it each time and my dislike grew, so much so, if i ever saw okra any where, i would gag.
Fast forward some 30 years and some one tells me that gumbo must have okra.
I never knew that, i loved gumbo.
How could this wonderful concoction of seafood and spices have okra?
It simply could not be, but when i looked for recipes, they all insisted that okra be present.
I was now confused and confounded and did not know what i should do.
I tried to cook okra, and failed to eat it.
I made a gumbo and put okra in ti and did not know it was there, but i had found the missing ingredient.
I then began to be curious, this thing called okra could be good?
Down in Virginia, they serve okra battered and deep fried.
I tried it and it was not slimly and was even good.
I met other people with a similar aversion to okra, they liked my gumbo (with okra), but could not like it further.
After my operation, when i was ready and beginning to cook in earnest, I tried to cook okra again.
Not as i had known it as a child, but in a new way.
Julianne the okra with garlic and onions, fry in olive oil.
It was good, very good.
Then my Indian friend told me she had made okra her way, with the great spices that are so common and with hot peppers.
i fell in love.
Okra no longer makes me afraid and i will eat cook with it and eat in restaurants, but no with stewed tomatoes.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Sitting Quitely

My heart still beats.
I still take breath.
A gentle rain falls
and a light breeze blows.
New wind chimes make a quiet sound.
I scribe these words with a pen
and am content.

In this world are people who care about me.
No lovers have I,
but steadfast friend,
who refuse to leave me be in misery,
who will not let go.
How wonderful is that?

Things tickle my throat
and i cough,sometimes violently,
making me lose my breath,
making me lose my breath.
I still live
and breathe
and think.
I have no complaints.

I sit on the porch.
watching to the rain
and the people.
Hearing the wind chimes
and the trafic.
It is a quiet place.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The trouble with vision

There is a down side to seeing things to be done, there is too much of it.
Prioritizing becomes very important and today i decide d it was time to tackle a problem that has been out of control for many years, many more than the issue of my "surgery".
I started reorganizing and cleaning my room.
It is not only a room, but also doubles as an office space and my retreat center and the place where I have my computer, so communications.
Layers of dust where found in various places that truly overwhelmed me.
Straightening out wires and leads, I also tackled.
And boy, did i through stuff out.
Was my work at my mom's place the seed?
No , I had felt its need for a long time, just did not have the energy to attack it, but today i did and feel much better for it.
i took many breaks and just cleared my mind, to go at it again.
It is better, but not finished.
I will need to get some more things.

Today, one of my dearest and trusted friends was at my mom's condo to help out and found somethings i never did find and did not know were missing and so I have some more worries.
I helped my mom downsize from a very large 3 bedroom condo to a 3 room studio apartment.
She is one of those people who could not throw anything out so the task was daunting to say the least. Two months would not have been enough, i had 2 weeks.
What i did find were family photos that date to the early 1900s.
I will share now i have my room in some what of an order order.

That was my "task:" while i was away and if i told you i threw out 20 bags of pure garbage, i am sure you will believe me.\It is one of the many reasons i wish i was "better".

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Still learning

After finding joy and direction again, i am looking for ways to keep it from slipping.
It is the "pearl of great price", that i wish to keep. so look for the whys it slipped out of my grasp.
The first was the lack of awareness of what i had, i did not weigh what i had gained properly against what i had lost.
New priorities become the first step and running, not walking away from the thins which would ring me down,
but some i can not escape.
There are real physical discomforts that i deal with;
the lack of balance and the "wear" and strain on my eyes.
I can not escape these things, yet there are ways to not let them bother me by taking things slow, but oh, this world does not want us to take things slowly.  It wants everything to zoom past us and make us run to get it.
i will resolve to fight that at every step.
Work.
I never quite comprehended the amount of negativity at work, the lack of regard and the back bitting that goes on constantly.  This is very intense and i find my self at odds with virtually everyone else, in almost every aspect.
My solution, to do what i can, the best that i can and let the rest go.
I simply can not afford to get wrapped up in this "stuff" any more.
Again, so much for bloggin once a week, as long as things are active, i will be doing it whenever i can.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

and when a fire burns...

And so much for just blogging once a week, everyday something has sprung up and made me excited.
Tonight, Stamford Bloggers meet at Chinese Mirsch for a food drive.
This was a time I wish my mom was up here when we "downsized" her because she had over 6 transfile boxes of food in cans that were good (that is not to mention the box of items that were bad).
To find hope and light in the middle of things seems so rare and it is important to keep each spark burning.

What else?

The cool winds of autumn showed their face yesterday,
i saw the colors begin to change,
some reds
and oranges 
and yellows.
Not much yet, for today it will be warm again,
but it is coming and the vibrant colors will fill mt soul,
hopefully with enough memory to last the bleak winter.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Vision

Not of vision for my life,
But of my soul.
A fire that catches and burns without consuming,
But of creating.
I have missed it for some time,
I was so down, I was unaware.
Not living,
only surviving.
There is more now again,
The spark that wants something more with each thing you see,
Each place you visit,
Each person you meet.
Creativity,
Another name,
But it runs deeper than a painting
Or a piece of art
Or a meal.
It runs through every breath you take,
Every step of every journey.
Excitement.
It is limitless..
I am alive.

Asleep

I was asleep, not awake.
I do not remember when I feel asleep,
But I became unaware of the world around me.
It was not a peaceful sleep,
For there were dreams and nightmares of war and strife,
Against unknown foes, who I could not reach.
My world was dark and full of fear,
And anger,
And despair.
I could have stayed there for endless nights,
But someone saw me
And shook me.
Slowly I arose,
Shaking off the tendrils of sleep
And of despair
And of anger.
The war was real,
But now I saw my foes,
Clearly in the bright light.
They were outlined,
dark shadows in the luminescence of my waking life.
And once more I could fight,
And breath
And live.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

BACK AGAIN

I have been gone for some time now,
And although some refers to the last two weeks when I was away,
I was away for longer than that.
Did the hat and warm winds of July and August freeze my heart?
Or was I lost in a meandering maze of life?

I have no answers,
But the cool winds of September,
Which caused my skin to feel cold,
Forcing me to seek warmth,
Awoke a fire in my heart.
I am no longer waiting for something to happen,
There is purpose in my mind and soul once again.

Oh work will try to hijack that direction again,
But I am only bidding my time there,
There are much more important things to do.
People will cry the sky is falling,
But it is not and they are only distractions.
Things are as they should be.

The garden bore much fruit,
Soon it will be time to put it to sleep,
But not yet.
Preparation, direction, vision.


As those who follow this blog know, I was very absent for a significant time.
I took time to be away and assisted my mother with a move.
She is okay for an 87 year old with health issues and all the scary reports from friends and family were obviously pushed to a different level and I would say there was fear and misunderstanding on their parts.
Then I took 4 days off from that and truly relaxed and that is when I found vision again.
I call it vision, but in simpler terms it is seeing things to be done and a way to do them.
For all of the 2 weeks, I was not exhausted. Working 2 days exhausted me.
2 years to go and I will leave, I hope I can do this.
I found things of value, old photographs from the turn of the last century and of travels taken before I was born.
Small, silly things that meant nothing to anyone else, but me.
I carefully kept all of those and sent them to a safe place and some I brought home.
Downsizing is a difficult thing for anyone who has accumulated all of their lives and that is what I needed to assist with the most.
Heart felt valuables were saved, other things were discarded, given away.
Furniture was put to better use, with other people who did not have much.
I had to learn to sidestep an Aunt who wished to find pleasure in agitation on various subjects, life is just too short to fight and she was extremely helpful otherwise.
I found many lessons learned and in process of learning and that gave even more value to the trip.
I went down by train, which was a marvelous ride, comfortable, easy and in my mind cheap.
The way back promised the same until an engine broke down in New York, but it was okay nonetheless.

I hope to continue to blog, maybe once a week, maybe more.
I will see how it goes.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Opposites

More learning.
As i come out of a darkness that i now recognize.
that darkness has a name,
fear.
It robs us blind,
immobilizes us
and makes it so we can not see past the darkness.
Oh, there was plenty to be afraid of,
the things i could no longer do,
the fear of trying things that i used to do well.

That which paralyzed me was fear
and it is not a good friend to have.
Away from the things i could do,
i only saw the things i could not.
It left me immobilized and weak,
unwilling to even try.

It is recognized
and with that recognition,
it losses its strength
and i can continue on.