What happens when you retire

at least for me, that is.

It has been a year and i feel busier than ever,

but there is much more to it than that.

I always seem to have some thing to do?

Well not always, but when i need to stop, i can and do.

I do things that might not be absolutely necessary,

but now i have the time.

This especially relates to cleaning.

I do more "things" with others.

More people include me in their after work activities

and rely on me to do special things.

I walk more.

Any time that the weather permits that is.

Do i get lonely or board?

Sometimes i am alone, i am never bored.

I need some inspiration to do some things,

like repair cracks in the kitchen floor or paint a picture

and that seems what i wait for most of all.

Being alone does not mean i am lonely,

but i have been distracted by wanting to be around other people.

I actually get to spend time doing things i really like, such as cooking

and since i am of the "low and slow cooking is the best school",

i am in heaven.

My house smells wonderful most of the time.

Then i get to blog when it hits me,

not when i can make time.

Blogging is important, it lets me share my heart.

a tortured soul?

I have often looked at people

and seen directly into their souls.

Most are good,

a few not.

It frightens me,

because i dare not look at my own.

My worth was always what i could do,

not who i was.

take away what i could do,

made me naked and afraid,

but that is not what and where truth is.

For what i can do,

is both evil and good

and there is barely and distinction between the two,

save that people like when i do good,

but me,

that is a different story,

for i am afraid to be seen,

thinking that it is ugly

and not pretty...

So i hide away in what i can do,

knowing that it can be either evil or good

and let people judge me by my cover,

not what truly lies on the inside.

How sad is this?

People think evil of me for the things i do,

forgetting the good that i have done before.

Yet,

they have never discovered the me inside.

This is what i wish for,

freverently pray for,

tho my mind say no,

no one should ever know me ...

for i am ugly!

no, i am not justifying my actions,

i am looking to justify my soul.

Truly, whom am i to say that i am ugly?

For if my true face is not shown,

if i have not found peace with in my self,

how can i say it is ugly?

For those brave souls,

help me remove the garments of doing

and find the joy of me.

more to it

3 years now...

the last time i saw her here,
but there is not so much a pain of missing,
rather a joy of remembrance.
Is this the way it is?
Is this the way of all things?
My mom loved Christmas
and never took down all the decorations.
Since then, neither have i...

Small Christmas tree always up

Joy, 

seeing, 

reflecting, 

more joy.

I could not have know it would come,

it never felt that it would,

there was only missing her...

It has changed now

and i do miss her,

but there is joy in the memory.

How wonderful.

finally light at the end of a tunnel

And no, it is not an oncoming train.
So much darkness,
i, myself fell into it.
Pain and anger and hate.
We do not want these things in our lives,
but they come.
Sometimes through other people
and we go on the merry go round with them.
Other times we can blame no one,
but ourselves.
The reality is that we all do this
and so there was the first order of business;
pick myself up
and forgive... Me.
Why we act the way we do,
is beyond me,
for we are not always pure,
though i have tried.
Then for those who hate or are angry or even confused with us,
they are each forgiven.
The mistakes i make are my own...
the mistakes you make are your own,
there is no blame,
only moving on.
The rains have come
and like what forgiveness does to our hearts,
it washes away the stains.
Yes warmer weather has come
and slowly the piles of dirty snow are leaving us.
Likewise, my heart feels a renewal.
I have pick myself off,
brushed off the dirt
and continued to walk on.
It is a good day to be thankful.
This is the pattern of living,
we walk,
we fall,
we get up
and then continue to walk.
Isn't it fun?

we are all tired

Mounds of snow...
every where.
As we struggle to make our ways through it.
Has it been worse?
Maybe,
but still it takes its toll.
Deception
and lies
and anger...
still abound around me.
For what was not meant for harm,
has been a root of anger.
It created a deception, so those who would help,
could not.
I walk away with my head shaking slowly.
How sad,
in the middle of this depressing state,
a continuation of bondage occurs.
People are comfortable with that,
i know,
But i am sad anyway
and the snow does not help.

what do you do?

That is the question,

when someone is living in a harmful place,

with more danger to come?

What do you do when the suggestions,

the encouraging words,

the cajoling,

the constant comments

have no effect?

When softness and kindness do not seem to work?

Do you do something,

that you know will be discovered as from you,

even though you know it could be done with out risk?

Do you take that risk?

Do you say, "someone is more important than what is thought of me"?

Do you say; "I will lose this , rather than have them risk harm"?

I did,

i would do it again.

It was not about an adult,

but a child.

Could i have done worse, f i were vindictive?

Yes, for i was told many secrets,

but my action was to move,

not to destroy.

I lose a friend,

a family,

a relationship,

for it is not understood,

but i am certain that it will be for the best

and good will come out in the end,

just without me.

clearing

So many things going on,
some mistakes,
some not.
Some deliberate,
others by accident or in anger.
It will all come out in the wash.
Who am i?
but a tiny gnat to be squashed against the glass?
I do not know,
the hopeful ending of drama has come.
Will i be free?
Or will life continue its hellish ride?
Confusion, why not set it as anonymous?
No, i took ownership of my action
and the results are awful...
or maybe not.
Maybe it is just as it should be,
the ride will get jumpy,
but life goes on.
Questions,
Doubts.
They are apart of it,
but others encourage me.
Too much emotion, i could not acknowledge.
Too much love i could not have.
A friend compared it to a Greek Comedy, where all, but the hero dies.
Too many bodies...
I did not burn the bridge today...
i blew it up,
trying to sever ties i should not have had.
No one will understand,
i do not want them to.
I do not want forgiveness,
i want their life to continue without me.
I lay in a place that switches between peace and anger and despair and all at once.
I will survive,
i always seem to, this i do not understand.

humbling experiences

we have some incredible neighbors...
yesterday, early,
one comes to do his way out of the snow
and cleans my area also.
the snow still fell.
Later some one else from the house,
comes to do our walk, to the door, again.
I am a bit quicker and get him some coffee.
The snow still falls,
later another child comes and does a path to the back yard,
asking only for hot chocolate...
i do make a good one.
Later another child is helping an eighty eight year old neighbor
and i give him Hot chocolate also.
The snow has finally stopped
and my neighbor's wife is cleaning of her car
and mine.
The last storm, one neighbor with a snow blower,
does all the sidewalks on the street.
I am Humbled by their gifts to me.

on my mind for a bit

An odor of fresh brewed coffee,
wafts through my closed door upstairs
and wakens me.
I slow trudge downstairs,
and grab a cup of the hot liquid
and return to my room.
Sitting up with a sip of coffee in my mouth
and the odor still stronger,
i begin to think
or is it pray,
but there is so mush more than mere asking going on here.
I am thankful for each day,
even though i am confused by so much.
It no longer feels like i am alone,
but more like i should not be here.
If i were down in a somewhat warmer place,
would that change?
I think so.
I am still some what withdrawn
and the multiple things i feel i must do,
take a tremendous amount of effort.
I am confused still about the people near me,
what they think,
how they act.
I feel resentment emanating from them
and it is beyond my capacity to under stand this.
A stranger came up to me the other day
and began uttering words that were very soothing to me,
though we did not know each other,
this person spoke of things of me,
as if they did.
I still believe God speaks through anything
and i try to open to listen
and so i received this also.
The coffee is finished
and i am awake and ready for what the day brings.