As I work with the various things going on in my head and heart, these words keep running through my head:
Seek first the kingdom of heaven"...
I truthfully have heard these words many, many times before and I know I did not understand or even come close to comprehend them.
"and its righteousness"...
Only words of a song written by some one quoting words that were written thousands of years ago.
Some how it seems to make sense to me now, for as I want, it seems that those wants have changed.
"And it will be given to you"...
The words are attributed to Jesus and fit with many other things He said,
"Ask and it will be given"...
"The meek are blessed" ...
My radical roommate would tell me these were words used to control the masses by the church.
but to me they are much more powerful for they spell peace for my soul, my spirit and i quest that more than any thing.
And I want, but not the beauty or the power of this world, but the kindness of and in people.
There are times i get to see it and it is these qualities that i pursue.
Showing posts with label Daily living. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daily living. Show all posts
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
My daily tirade as of late...
So today was another mixed day.
We got the snow we have not for a month or so,
but i got into work fine and another person gave me a ride back home.
The machine which gave me fits yesterday, came back to life after I figured the software was messed up ...again.
I am still getting a service visit tomorrow.
My moods have been more frustrated than anything.
I am fairly certain I have been a person who likes to control things and that just is not possible now and it challenges my fears and insecurities. It makes life very difficult for me.
I also think outside the box quite a lot and it bugs me when others do not.
The example is, on a day like this I would like to offer the mail person a cup of something hot as they do their rounds, but others (in this case in my house) are oblivious, the person just does their job and there is no more to be gained from it.
Of course at Christmas time I put a container of the Greek pastries for the mail person, but I can not do the same with something hot (of course silly, it would get cold).
Of well, I will deal and as always get tgrough it and grow some more.
We got the snow we have not for a month or so,
but i got into work fine and another person gave me a ride back home.
The machine which gave me fits yesterday, came back to life after I figured the software was messed up ...again.
I am still getting a service visit tomorrow.
My moods have been more frustrated than anything.
I am fairly certain I have been a person who likes to control things and that just is not possible now and it challenges my fears and insecurities. It makes life very difficult for me.
I also think outside the box quite a lot and it bugs me when others do not.
The example is, on a day like this I would like to offer the mail person a cup of something hot as they do their rounds, but others (in this case in my house) are oblivious, the person just does their job and there is no more to be gained from it.
Of course at Christmas time I put a container of the Greek pastries for the mail person, but I can not do the same with something hot (of course silly, it would get cold).
Of well, I will deal and as always get tgrough it and grow some more.
The good, the difficult and the not so good...
Great day in may ways yesterday, but the evening turned a bit sour.
Felt physically good yesterday.
Walking home I found a bunch of change (and saw it).
An adversary is leaving my work place - that was good news.
I will get back some money from uncle sam.
My shoulder is improving (according to the doctor, but I feel it also).
I will go in today (okay, maybe that is the start of bad news), but the bus does stop very close to where I live and leaves me off directly in front of the government center.
Then came the feelings of being totally dependent...If it had not warmed up to reasonable temperature so I was able to walk, I would have missed the Doctor appointment. It was a long walk in the afternoon, but temperatures were above freezing and the sun was out, so the long walk to the Doctors and back was pleasant.
Because it is not on a bus line, I was in absolute need of a ride to the tax man (and I was afraid I would owe taxes this year (I came close)) and the persons who I am dependent on both were working late, I was being faced with what I could not do.
Then someone tells me I should not go to work today for many really reasonable reasons, but I was not being reasonable. I want to prove I do not need someone for everything I do.
I realize that the statement is stupid, but it is my way of addressing my fears.
My fears that I am stuck having to work another 2 1/2 years under these eyesight conditions before I can "retire".
My fears that I will use up all my vacation time on days and episodes like this,so that when I am able, I will not be able to take time to go down to Va and see my family.
Wanting to go down very badly and being berated in a non-direct way by my mom for not having done so (she can not say it to me directly so she picks a political issue to fight with me about).
Of course during the day the machine went on strike again, this time with a hardware problem, I think we got a lemon.
So again, the good, the difficult and the not so good, all in one day.
I would rather just stick with my muse....
Felt physically good yesterday.
Walking home I found a bunch of change (and saw it).
An adversary is leaving my work place - that was good news.
I will get back some money from uncle sam.
My shoulder is improving (according to the doctor, but I feel it also).
I will go in today (okay, maybe that is the start of bad news), but the bus does stop very close to where I live and leaves me off directly in front of the government center.
Then came the feelings of being totally dependent...If it had not warmed up to reasonable temperature so I was able to walk, I would have missed the Doctor appointment. It was a long walk in the afternoon, but temperatures were above freezing and the sun was out, so the long walk to the Doctors and back was pleasant.
Because it is not on a bus line, I was in absolute need of a ride to the tax man (and I was afraid I would owe taxes this year (I came close)) and the persons who I am dependent on both were working late, I was being faced with what I could not do.
Then someone tells me I should not go to work today for many really reasonable reasons, but I was not being reasonable. I want to prove I do not need someone for everything I do.
I realize that the statement is stupid, but it is my way of addressing my fears.
My fears that I am stuck having to work another 2 1/2 years under these eyesight conditions before I can "retire".
My fears that I will use up all my vacation time on days and episodes like this,so that when I am able, I will not be able to take time to go down to Va and see my family.
Wanting to go down very badly and being berated in a non-direct way by my mom for not having done so (she can not say it to me directly so she picks a political issue to fight with me about).
Of course during the day the machine went on strike again, this time with a hardware problem, I think we got a lemon.
So again, the good, the difficult and the not so good, all in one day.
I would rather just stick with my muse....
Monday, January 4, 2010
tidbits for the new year
The editor over here in goggle blog land gets weird at times and I kind of give up.
So here I am again because there are a few things going on.
My nerves which cntrol my right eye is becoming sporaticaly active.
That means if I close the left eye, everything in sight "swims" back and forth.
This is more than it has been and is probably a very good thing, but it makes me tired quicker.
With the snow (sunsiquent melt and freeze), I have had to be careful walking, never the less, I fell Saturday on black ice. There are very few more helpless feelings than falling on black ice.
The funny thing about it is sometime in October I feel and hurt my shoulder, with the cold weather, it was hurting more.
After the fall, it hurt like the dickens for a moment then felt better.
That reminded me of One of the cop movies that I can not remember the name, where one of them has a trick shoulder.
Our Christmas guest has remain here and more permanant accomidations are going to be soon coming.
I have discovered a thread of thought that i am very fond of continuing through my life as i meet people who truely strugle (I struggle, but not to live or eat).
The thought has been when some one close does not have enought to eat, you make sure they do.
That was my thoughts in college (yes so long ago and idealistic, I guess i still am) when some one told me of a family who was their friend, who had not had meat for a month (not willingly) and i went and bought the biggest side of beef i could for them.This attitude has always been there, I like the attitude.
So while I figure this new dash boaed, while it lasts, from google, I will see you again soon.
So here I am again because there are a few things going on.
My nerves which cntrol my right eye is becoming sporaticaly active.
That means if I close the left eye, everything in sight "swims" back and forth.
This is more than it has been and is probably a very good thing, but it makes me tired quicker.
With the snow (sunsiquent melt and freeze), I have had to be careful walking, never the less, I fell Saturday on black ice. There are very few more helpless feelings than falling on black ice.
The funny thing about it is sometime in October I feel and hurt my shoulder, with the cold weather, it was hurting more.
After the fall, it hurt like the dickens for a moment then felt better.
That reminded me of One of the cop movies that I can not remember the name, where one of them has a trick shoulder.
Our Christmas guest has remain here and more permanant accomidations are going to be soon coming.
I have discovered a thread of thought that i am very fond of continuing through my life as i meet people who truely strugle (I struggle, but not to live or eat).
The thought has been when some one close does not have enought to eat, you make sure they do.
That was my thoughts in college (yes so long ago and idealistic, I guess i still am) when some one told me of a family who was their friend, who had not had meat for a month (not willingly) and i went and bought the biggest side of beef i could for them.This attitude has always been there, I like the attitude.
So while I figure this new dash boaed, while it lasts, from google, I will see you again soon.
Monday, February 9, 2009
A monday morning and how i am doing
High above the clouds,
I soar looking down,
is this mid-winter thaw,
or the beginning of Spring?
Yes, I am tired of winter, but I do not need to say that again. Okay, how am I doing? My answer has been lately, slowly.
My observation include a huge difference in my eyesight between morning and evening (much better in the morning).
A complete need to crash in the afternoon (3ish) for almost an hour.
Enough distracting light bands in the glasses, that I still refuse to try to drive (that really upsets me).
Glasses with a screw that keeps working itself loose and a lens pops out, rendering me blind when it happens. This requires a trip to New York SUNY to replace it.
Eye sight (without glasses) that produces two perfect images that some times (in the morning) over lap a bit (and in the evening seem much further away than they are).
I am pushing my, brain, body and eyesight so I might have the energy that I can function a whole day on.
All the success has been slow as everyone told me it would be.
There are still coughing fits that sound terrible, but I can tell in this case, it is getting better. I am able to eat well.
The eyesight is still confusing because of the variance.
My artistic abilities are still working and it seems that my analytical mind is till doing okay (I was given a brain teaser last night when I was tired and did not solved it, but did get the Algebra equations to solve it).
And I still blog and keep up with the other blogger I link to.
This seems to be really important.
I try to go to a friends on weekends (both days to build up energy) and keep in touch with important people.
I sadly, still have not let go of some bad treatment I received from a supposed "girlfriend" in August. Since I was in the middle of some very intense recovery at the time, the taste in my mouth from this is still very bad. I am a bit unhappy that I have not let it all go and be over with, but she keeps coming in my mind. I would prefer that that space be kept for all the positive people who I know. Of course it might be she intends to visit me (I get these premonitions before they happen) as she has before, with no warning. It would not be welcome. So I guess this is the garbage that still has to be taken out.
I have been promised a visit by some of the positive people this week and I hope they come. It will be a help.
I think I am getting to be a bit lonely, especially since Dave is working a few times this week. I won't get the exercise I need.
Peace to all reading this...feel free to comment.
I soar looking down,
is this mid-winter thaw,
or the beginning of Spring?
Yes, I am tired of winter, but I do not need to say that again. Okay, how am I doing? My answer has been lately, slowly.
My observation include a huge difference in my eyesight between morning and evening (much better in the morning).
A complete need to crash in the afternoon (3ish) for almost an hour.
Enough distracting light bands in the glasses, that I still refuse to try to drive (that really upsets me).
Glasses with a screw that keeps working itself loose and a lens pops out, rendering me blind when it happens. This requires a trip to New York SUNY to replace it.
Eye sight (without glasses) that produces two perfect images that some times (in the morning) over lap a bit (and in the evening seem much further away than they are).
I am pushing my, brain, body and eyesight so I might have the energy that I can function a whole day on.
All the success has been slow as everyone told me it would be.
There are still coughing fits that sound terrible, but I can tell in this case, it is getting better. I am able to eat well.
The eyesight is still confusing because of the variance.
My artistic abilities are still working and it seems that my analytical mind is till doing okay (I was given a brain teaser last night when I was tired and did not solved it, but did get the Algebra equations to solve it).
And I still blog and keep up with the other blogger I link to.
This seems to be really important.
I try to go to a friends on weekends (both days to build up energy) and keep in touch with important people.
I sadly, still have not let go of some bad treatment I received from a supposed "girlfriend" in August. Since I was in the middle of some very intense recovery at the time, the taste in my mouth from this is still very bad. I am a bit unhappy that I have not let it all go and be over with, but she keeps coming in my mind. I would prefer that that space be kept for all the positive people who I know. Of course it might be she intends to visit me (I get these premonitions before they happen) as she has before, with no warning. It would not be welcome. So I guess this is the garbage that still has to be taken out.
I have been promised a visit by some of the positive people this week and I hope they come. It will be a help.
I think I am getting to be a bit lonely, especially since Dave is working a few times this week. I won't get the exercise I need.
Peace to all reading this...feel free to comment.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
boring!
I realize that the blogging of the drudgery of daily life as I try to get better must be incredibly boring to those to come by and read, just think how it must be to me, The change in my life is so incredible that it is very difficult for me to draft. I look forward to these blogging times because it keeps my mind active and there are many things that need to be done and I actually try to fill my day with them. I got to shovel snow today, that was a treat, tiring, but a bit of true physical exertion that was pleasant. Yes, I work out in the morning a minimum of 15 minutes, cycling and other things, but it is not enough and it does make me crazy. I cook, today is my famous chilli that I can actually do right, the right spices (you didn't think I was going to give that away, did you, but it does include a couple of my home grown dried peppers), sauteing that with chopped onions in butter (yes, butter and a whole stick), then Buffalo meat (essential), hamburger, veal and pork (meat loaf mix to you). Sometimes I add ground chicken, sometimes not. Then fire roasted diced peppers (Glen Muir is my favorite) and then a Dos equis. You let that go for 8 + hours and you have my chilli! And yes, it is always best the next day. Sometimes I add a dry red wine to the mix as well, but this is not much effort. By the way if you try this tell me what you think. Oh yea, I guess If have to give up the spices, chili powder ( a cheap brand is fine because you use 2 or 3 tablespoons, cumin (1 tablespoon), fresh cilantro ( to your taste, I use about a half a bunch), paprika for color and salt to taste ( the meat does absorb it so be careful). I serve with sour cream on the side because those peppers from my garden are hot and rice. Enjoy!
Monday, January 19, 2009
A quiet day
The day is snowy again and I kept it slow, especially yesterday. The joy of seeing singly while wearing my reading glasses, doing things that are within about 3 feet of me was having a side effect. I didn't want to take the glasses off, but when i looked at anything out of focus (4 feet maximum), the distortion was intense and it cause some perceptual difficulties when i tried to just patch one eye. This is not a good thing, so most of today, I just patch an eye and kept my life fairly simple. I mean, I did things like strip my bed and wash my sheets and another load of laundry, shoveled the sidewalk, walked Jake (the Dog), cleaned the kitchen floor and a couple of minor things. I know that doesn't sound like a lot and i rested in between each chore, but it beat being dizzy and it made me feel good that i was able to do that much. Now I am finishing with this blog and finishing cooking dinner (no biggy, pasta with a homemade meat sauce). I think I will sleep just fine tonight.
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