The slow, but sure road to getting on with life

I still seem to have a thousand things to do.
I am still waiting for paperwork and such,
but it is only 2 weeks (less by a few hours).
It still seems sureal and i am not sure of anything.
"All is in order, this is the way things are", a therapist says to me,
but it seems so wrong that there is any order at all.
I have found that i have a huge support system and a lot of people who care about me.
It does not seem it is over, but the pieces are coming back together.
This happens to everyone and so it is not strange and yet for me it is....

An Ending

I misspoke earlier,
For I have never been in an earthquake,
Nor a tsunami.

Yet, I have experienced a hurricane and
severe costal thunderstorms.

It began slowly at first,

But the height of the storm,

I could never have guessed.

The lightening and the waves struck with unending fury…

In those very few moments.

I thought I could not bear

And monstrous wave,

Washed me out to sea

And I began to drown.

Tumbling with the shock of the waves,

Pulling me out to sea.

I lost sight of land of land and hope and breath

And when I thought I was done,

Strong hands grasped me and brought me to the surface.

More hand grabbed me and began to pull me back to shore,

While insignificant fish

Nibbled at my toes,

Wanting me to join them in the crushing depths of the sea.

To a sandy shore I was brought and bore up and breath restored to me.

There was now something different about this shore,

For my mother was missing from it,

But I was alive to remember her.

They do not tell you, that when you try to do and prepare for an end, that even if everything is in place. The decisions must be made again. The doctors must hear from your own mouth all that was written and prepared for.

The agony of the end was not at the end, but before, when those decisions had to be made again and recorded.

The result though was that my mom passed peacefully, at 3:15 PM on Saturday, March 26th, 2011.

Standing at the edge

While doing a "caneless" walk around the block where i lived,
I stopped
and stood
awestruck
at the site of the sunset.
A blood red sun sinking in the west.
wispy, thin, dark blue clounds just above,
too close to earth to reflect the sun,
too thick to let light pass througn,
except as they ended,
in thin dark tendrils that faded to red.
"On the edge of the end of the world",
this is what i felt.
So it has been throughout my many "adventures.
The fortelling of the waves i felt early last fall,
were nothing,
 in compaision to the tsuami i now find my self engulfed in.
How well i relate to those in Japan,
but not in the phyiscal,
rather the emotional...

It is not over yet.

Wakening from winter.



People begin to waken

From their deep winter hibernation.

We begin to see each other, greet one another again.

It was such a difficult winter.

There is still snow,

The mountains reduced to mere hills of dirty cold ice,

But the mornings are crisp,

Not cold.

Reminding us that spring is coming again

I think we are all surprised.

The early spring mornings have brought a change in me,

the other day i drove, not far, but enough.

There is a change in the vision, it is more stable.

There is still miuch too much work to do concerning my mom and much is very, very hard.

The family that are hanging on,

 blocking things that must be done,

because it means she is going. if they get done.

This does not make my "job" easier, but i keep with it.

There will be less work soon and i am not looking forward to that.

For a few days the weather confused me...

The beauty of an early Spring,
was blown away by a blustery wind.
Walking in to work,
the bitter wind coming down the river,
froze me yet again.
So much to do,
so very many things to do...
for a day, i "punted"
and did nothing.
One day for me,
so many other days for others,
of course mostly my mom
and that is okay,
but i do begin to show the stress marks after a bit.
"They" say they understand,
but then go after me like a pack of dogs.
i fight them off.
Thay back off for a while,
but it is clear "they" do not understand.
Some times a malasie stikes me,
and i am powerless.
Sometimes those angry dogs bring a spark back into me,
because i do not back down,
i still know how to fight
and fight i do.
Is this the work of my malady,
with which i have contended so long.
I never give up,
ever.

not quite settled yet

While much has been accomplished,
some on the miraculous side,
there is still so, so much to be done.
While my mom is settling into a place with much more care,
i am trying to take care of her buisness.
I do not have that much time
and yes,
i am overwelmed,
even with much help.
i am down many times,
even tho there is much to really celebrate.
What a time is this,
it is not fun.
I am fortunate that the blah snow piles are melting now...

The Curch of the Redeemer (Episcopal), Houston, Texas

They had the last service there this past Sunday February 20th.
I became aware of this church in the early '70's as a "charismatic" church, one part of the church renewal occuring all over the country, but this one was different.
It had been a dieing Episcopal church in a poorer section of houston, Texas, when a small group of people had a "vision".
They described it in a book called Gathered for Power and what they created was something i call Christian community.
Something different, because the center is a group of people bound together seeking God and love and learning to love each other and those around them.  It works with people around them and different beliefs and was not "knock you down with Jesus" kind of belief.  Think a monastic type living.
That the church is closed does not mean the community is gone because it spread in many places, it is what i am still part of.
It is not sad because so much still lives on and grows all over the world.