Ah, i do not know

Sad,
like the ending of things,
it overshadows my being,
it hugs my shadow.
I wish to make a clean break,
run from everything that pursues me.
To take flight and leave,
oh how i would be happy.
I receive,
i take
and i wonder what i give back.
I try to challenge myself,
but others say no.
They do not even realize they are saying no to me,
but they stop me nevertheless.
I do the thing quietly then
and i wait.
I now have a "bucket list",
a simple one,
for i want to "do" very little,
but there are things to accomplish first.

out of control or not

People come into our lives,
Why?
How?
We struggle to keep them,
but everything flows
and maybe they are there and maybe not.
We have no control,
really no control over what happens to us
and around us.
That is okay,
for we should enjoy each moment,
every good thing as it comes.
I rejoice when i see reconciliation between people.
It does not happen enough.
I rejoice when i see people banding together,
it is so, so important.
Divides are dangerous pits and we all will fall into them if they occur.
Me?
i try to relax the best i can,
enjoy the people given to me the best i can,
and love the best i can.

ruminating

yes, old words for something i do regularly.
think, meditating,
i go back thought the dust in my brain and sort through it.
People who came into my life unbidden,
claiming to know me from a tumultuous time.
I did not remember them and told them to leave.
Things that may or may not have happen longer ago than that,
i do not remember,
but a deep scar was left
and i have limped through life since.
Fear still exists in my life,
but does it control me?
I run at it when i find it,
tackling it with humor,
and i think it looses its hold.
Maybe, maybe not.
Questions i ask myself,
about me,
but there are no answers,
for someone else needs to tell me.
Deep needs or wants or desires,
 that so often are misunderstood,
by even those closest to me.
I shake off the dust of these deep ruminations
and straighten out the porch with all it life
and continue for this day.

reflections

i will admit to being a fairly guarded person,
in the very deep areas of my heart.
I do not want to be touched,
for there is pain.
Most of the time you would not notice,
i share best here,
in black and white,
but in a meeting,
face to face,
the walls stand firm.
There are few people who have breached those walls
and they have found me warm and welcoming,
some have abused that privilege...
and so it becomes more difficult to get through.

Should you find your self inside those walls with me,
enjoy,
for there is great warmth and tenderness.
Above, do not try to change it,
for it was built for you....

together

when you share your heart,
the pain and hurt;
the joy and happiness,
you remind me that i am not alone.
That the pain and sorrow and fear that fills me,
does not separate me from everyone else,
it makes us one, brothers and sisters,
not single entities.
Let us share our hearts,
one with another
and grow stronger with each day.

The Garden 2013

Not as good as last year, but....pictures say it - there are a few omissions:
Thyme, celery, tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, eggplant and basil.

Parsley

Sage

Rosemary

Marjoram 

chives and Tarragon

Swiss Chard

Okra

Red Cabbage

Peppermint, Scallions and Rasberry

why?

Not a question i ask of my self,
of my situations,
but of us
and divides we let grow.
The dream was that we are all connected,
but the cares and troubles caused us not to see it.
we separate from each other,
yet that is not the way it is suppose to be.
We are stronger together.
The illusion that each of us is a single being is not real.
Yet we strive for it often.
The question still remains,
why?

it is early morning again

Yes,
 i love those early morning porch coffee time.
i am almost completely uninterrupted
and my mind wanders freely,
thinking,
praying,
reflecting.
How little people understand me,
that was my thought today,
my needs,
my wants,
my, my ,my.
I broke the train before it got too far.
This is not a time for me,
it is time that few people have;
it is a time of quiet,
it is a time of peace,
selfish reflections do not bring peace.
My soul quiets itself and so i move on.

To reflections that despite my eyesight,
and glasses
and living in an urban area,
i saw a meteor last night.

I thought of the ribs that i cooked and shared last night.

The best?
Playing a short game of catch with an eleven year old neighbor!
That was divine!

the slight interruptions this morning are pleasant,
a mother and child and dog, out early enjoying just being out for a moment.
a good morning for an instant from inside.

There are questions, of course;
simple ones, like what do i prepare for dinner tonight?
More important ones on different relationships
and concerns
and struggles that i witness.
Direction on what and how to do something or
just how to start something that is deep in my heart.

Those deep things surprise people,
they are unexpected
and they are good and as far as i can tell pure.

It will be a good day.

morning

my first awakening is to brewing coffee,
i would wake anyway,
but the smell of coffee awakens me...slightly.
I slowly make my way down stairs,
i do not stumble for i walk carefully.
The first cup is pour; straight black.
I go on to the porch
and am surrounded by the early morning
and all the plants.
It is raining
and humid
and just the slightest bit cool.
To me that is, low 70's.
We had Houston type weather a week or so back,
temperatures reaching the 100's during the day
and i and no one else,
loved it.
This is more typical, except there is a strongish breezy blowing.
My eyes close as i sip my cup of coffee, slowly.
Thoughts of the people i love stumble into my barely awake conscious
and i am thankful for each one.
Each with their own struggles and difficulties to handle.
I wish i could help them all,
but know i can not.
It is early, but there are a few getting ready for work.
Quietly they move passed me on the street.
I take another sip.
The birds are always active
and this is good weather for them.
I sit quietly until my coffee is done and i awake for the second time,
to my life and the daily decisions i must make.

more dreams

I get them often,
long narrative, meaningful dreams.

I had another one last night.
Both my parent were busy preparing for me to take a trip,
a trip real soon.

The meaning is not lost on me,
neither does it worry me.
I live the best i can day by day.

The best part?
It was my dad who was doing most of the work and talking to me bout my up coming trip.

I liked that.

An adventure that is now 5 years old

Yes it now is 5 years since i had that tumor against my brain stem removed...
the memory of waking up to pain and darkness and bright lights is still very vivid.
The remembrance of the peace that surrounded me when i stopped breathing,
the voice of the doctor saying "he's not breathing people", is also very vivid.
The continued struggle i have continues today,
a struggle most would not comprehend.


Pain, it still occurs,
not as before, nevertheless it is debilitating.

People have left my life, involuntarily and voluntarily
and it no long matters.
This is also incomprehensible because i continue my struggle, unabashed.

People have told me that i am,
brave,
i still do not see it.
I just do the best i can do day by day.
I do not think it is enough,
i still feel limited,
sometimes helpless
against this tide that flows against me,
but i continue on,
doing the best that i can...
and the adventure continues.

cleaning

it rained hard last night
and left the air fresh and clear.
I am left with questions today,
but not with out direction.
I may disappear for a while,
i think it would be good.
People judge me because i am not what they want...
i nevr was.
I am this very imperfect person,
with many faults.
Can one love both perfectly and imperfectly at the same time?

Of course we as humans do this all the time;
at one point selflessly, wanting only good for another;
and another selfishly, wanting only what is good for ourselves.
This is the human condition.

But the day is new and i am harvesting my herbs:
spearmint,
peppermint,
oregano,
marjoram,
thyme,
chives,
tarragon
and rosemary.
Drying will be for the winter months
and so i prepare.

Drifting

It is raining and i have done things i needed to for the day,
i cleared cob webs from my soul,
but i wonder if it enough.
Then i started in on projects that have been hanging over my head,
scanning of old pictures,
many pictures older than i.
I am stuck,
there is too much emotion,
i can not continue.
So i drift.
There are things still to do,
projects to finish,
i am stuck.
My mind and heart too full
and so i drift, blogging my heart out again.

clearing cobwebs

Te problem with cobwebs is that they stick to your face,
to what you clean them with.
They try to hold on and make a mess.

Ah, but i digress.
it is all about hope.
What, you do not understand?

The dashed hope leaves behind a residual,
the cobwebs.
Maybe it could not be,
but it brought forth hope
and when hope was was realized,
it brought forth disappointment,
yes, THOSE cob webs.
The problem is they effect everyone else around,
sticking to them and creating problems.
I still have hope
and i try to clean my cobwebs.

It is the very presence of the cob webs that tell me i still have hope and have not despaired.